When it comes to love and attraction, INFJs have a particular need for long-lasting harmony
and deep emotional connection.
They desire to be intellectually stimulated, understood, and cared for in all parts of
their relationships.
As a result, they tend to have a very idiosyncratic attitude towards dating and sexuality.
While most hate to be limited to an identity, there are many INFJs that might identify with
the notion of demisexuality.
It’s not a term that is widely known, but demisexuality is a sexual orientation like
any other, that can apply to people from all over the world.
It differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before being intimate
with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection
forms, at which point the attraction extends only to that person.
Many INFJs might never have heard of this term before, and there might be some that
won’t relate.
However, for those that might, here are 7 Signs You Might Be an INFJ Demisexual.
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Demisexual INFJs don’t like physical touch
INFJs are particular about their environments.
They tend to only let their guard down and are comfortable when they feel trust and safety.
They are very selective about who they allow into their personal space.
As a result, although it won’t apply to all INFJs, it is a surprisingly common INFJ
trait to hate physical touch.
This is rarely to do with the act of physical touch.
For example, these INFJs don’t hate hugs, it’s more about the person hugging them.
When they meet someone new and they go in for a hug, their thoughts are; you don’t
know me, in fact, we just met so why are you comfortable hugging me.
For these INFJs a hug indicates closeness, and without that, it will feel inappropriate
to them, and they’ll want to escape.
This is a common overlap with demisexuality.
Before establishing an emotional bond, demisexuals will find making out, dancing too close, even
extended hugs a major turn-off.
For the INFJ demisexual, physical intimacy, even with someone they’re somewhat familiar
with, can cause them great discomfort and anxiety.
They would rather sit down and have a conversation with someone across a table than feel them up.
When someone tries to initiate the latter, it can be quite overwhelming and unbearable
for them.
Demisexual INFJs grow up feeling different
It is incredibly hard for introverted feelers like INFJs to grow up in a world made for
extroverts.
They so often feel misunderstood and find it difficult to relate to most people.
This is often the case when it comes to experiences of dating.
Long before hearing the word demisexual, some INFJs will probably have felt like their intimate
lives were different from most other people.
From a young age, they would have realized that their interests didn’t really correlate
with their peers.
They might have felt alienated when their friends talked about how cute someone was,
or their various hookups.
It is a familiar experience for demisexual INFJs to have grown up feeling like there
was something off, or that something was seriously wrong with them.
Demisexual INFJs don’t recognize flirting
Flirting is a very individual practice and people’s definitions of what it consists
of will tend to vary greatly.
However, society has specified certain behaviors as signaling attraction to a person.
For example, giving prolonged eye contact.
Whilst having a standardized understanding might be helpful to some, it can make things
slightly trickier for others, such as those with the INFJ personality type.
INFJs don’t tend to conform to societal norms.
People generally enjoy having meaningless chit-chat with strangers at bars or dating
apps, cracking jokes, and largely making playful suggestions, all in an act to move towards
something very specific.
Demisexual INFJs will never understand the fake pretense of this cultural ritual.
They see the world's obsession with it as an obstacle to truly connecting with people.
They often need friends to point out when someone is flirting with them, as they usually
have no idea.
The prolonged eye contact they would have had with said person would’ve just been
them showing respect in their conversation, and nothing more.
Demisexual INFJs see emotional bonds as oxygen
An emotional bond is an intangible experience.
A bundle of subjective feelings that come together to create profound unity between
two or more people.
As Intuitives who tend to reside in an internal world of thoughts and feelings, having an
emotional connection for an INFJ is akin to breathing in oxygen.
A necessary sustenance to feel alive whilst moving through a world made to misunderstand
them.
A deep emotional bond is therefore a necessary requirement in almost all INFJ romantic relationships
and even close friendships.
However, for demisexual INFJs this extends and is a prerequisite for them to feel desire
for someone on a sexual level.
Trust, openness, and emotional bonds are aphrodisiacs for demisexual INFJs.
The sharing of personal stories and the emotional intimacy it creates gives them a euphoric
high incomparable to anything else.
Where most people get a thrill out of casual dalliances, demisexual INFJs get their jolt
of satisfaction from hours across a coffee table, discussing their dreams and hopes with
another.
Demisexual INFJ does not mean asexual
Dating can be the epitome of an emotionally "all or nothing" series of attachments for
an INFJ.
To most people that signals a preference for exclusively serious relationships, but that’s
not always the case.
Most INFJs can and do engage in casual flings, but it’s usually not preferable or sustainable.
However, this general apathy and aversion towards engaging in surface-level liaisons
can cause INFJs to be misidentified as asexual; people completely repulsed by sex.
Demisexual INFJs do not hate sex, nor do they have a particularly low drive for it, just
because they’re demisexual.
They just don’t feel driven to ogle and chase after someone, regardless of how aesthetically
appealing they might be.
Feeling this way can make it hard for these INFJs to identify in overly sexualized cultures.
This is especially the case for demisexual INFJ men who are attracted to women.
They find the objectifying banter most peers tend to engage in extremely uncomfortable
and alien.
They often feel confused by how hot and excited the rest of the world seems to be about hooking
up.
They view the way some people will blow up their marriages or spend huge sums of money
and vast amounts of time to try and get someone into bed, as literal insanity.
They can never feel that same compulsion.
However, demisexual INFJs do feel attraction and can enjoy being with people intimately,
but only if very specific conditions are met.
They need to feel a strong emotional bond with someone before they can even think about
enjoying getting down with them.
Demisexual INFJs like to fantasize
INFJs have dominant introverted intuition.
This can cause them to have very intense feelings, thoughts, and emotions.
It’s almost like they’re living in their own secret inner world and the intensity of
it can sometimes overwhelm them.
But it’s this introverted intuition that makes INFJs such incredibly creative people,
with sometimes overactive imaginations.
This is the reason a lot of demisexual INFJs have active sexual fantasy lives.
For them it's not just imagining the physical act that’s appealing to them, it’s the
whole context of the person they’re imagining being with.
For them, there will always be a key emotional component to these fantasies.
Those that read also tend to really enjoy erotic fiction.
Demisexual is a relatively new term having come into the public consciousness in the
mid-2000s, but it’s an orientation that more and more people are identifying with,
particularly INFJs.
There seems to be a growing overlap between the INFJ personality type and demisexuality.
For INFJs who already form such a small part of the population, this will hopefully come
as a relief.
There should be no shame in having unconventional attractions.
While INFJ demisexuals might not feel like they don’t fit in with our hypersexualized
society, they should be rest assured there are many other demisexuals out there, even
if they don’t know the word for it yet.