Can spiders lay eggs under your skin?
100%. And here's now.
Spiders lay eggs in soil, on leaves, and in their web.
A spider would never confuse a human body
for one of these environments, unless that spider was drunk.
Yes, some spiders drink alcohol.
They confuse it for stinky water.
And your spider has been living in your recycling,
slurping on your discarded IPAs,
and now it's addicted to the sauce.
It crawls out one night, fiending for booze.
You're passed out, office party, you're the boss,
but even you need to cut loose every once in a while.
The spider spells the alcohol emanating from your pores,
crawls up your leg, and falls into a scrape on your knee.
You scratched it earlier,
when you swore you could do the Macarena at double speed.
This spider is a long-bodied female cellar spider,
which means she transports her egg sacs between her jaws.
Yearning for a taste of your boozy blood,
she opens her mouth and drops the eggs in your knee.
The human body is incredible,
and the keratinocytes in your epidermis proliferate,
and seal your knee overnight. And now, it's morning,
and your legs are full of spiders.
But don't take it from me,
take it from arachnid expert Gus Johnson.
Welcome, Gus.
Thank you. Always been a big fan of the void.
Scientists say that it's a myth
that spiders can lay eggs in your skin.
Wrong. It's a fact.
Spiders will lay eggs in your skin,
and there's nothing you can do to stop them.
Myth, bodies don't make enough oxygen
for spider eggs to survive inside the skin.
Fact, it's your birthday, you get a gift card to a spa.
You don't normally do this sort of thing, but why not?
Skincare doesn't have to be just a girls' thing.
The lady at the spa recommends you get a facial,
and based on your dry skin, she recommends the oxygen mask.
She pumps your face full of O2,
and you come home feeling beautiful
for the first time in your life.
You go to bed, completely relaxed.
You sleep through the night, no scaries.
You're in such deep REM that you don't even feel a spider crawl
into one of your recently hydrated pores,
and lay her eggs in your oxygen-rich cheek.
Spiders just laid eggs under your skin.
Myth, spider mothers are very protective of their babies,
and would never leave the eggs unattended.
Fact, if a spider is a teen mom,
it's much more likely that it will leave her babies,
overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood.
Myth, baby spiders' teeth are too thin
to ever break through human skin and crawl out.
Fact, our nation pumps our water supply with fluoride.
A mother spider falls
into a basin of fluoride-potent water moments
before dropping her eggs into a cut in your skin.
That fluoride seeps into the spider eggs,
and the spider children are born with a full set of human teeth.
Let's say you don't have any scratches.
Your body is an immaculate temple.
You cover it in lotion on an hourly basis.
But people are jealous.
They make fun of you for being a square,
for not taking any risks.
You know you shouldn't let them get to you, but they do.
Desperate to prove that you're a wild man,
you color your hair green.
It's November, wolf spider mating season,
and wolf spiders are attracted to the color green.
That night, they swarm your hair,
use it as a spider orgy bacchanal.
The males beat their bellies like drums.
The females lay their eggs everywhere,
especially your ears.
Come December, you're celebrating Christmas
with your new family, spiders.
Let's say you live in the one place uninhabited
by spiders, Antarctica.
You haven't seen a spider in years, much less a human being.
Desperate for attention, you invite a friend to visit.
All expenses paid.
You can do it, you're a scientist
and you make a billion dollars a year.
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Your friend arrives, he's an ax thrower.
Very cool friend, congrats.
He wants to impress you, so he brings you a handcrafted ax,
made from the wood in his forest.
You spend the evening happier than you've been in months.
You laugh, you reminisce, you throw the ax around,
and nobody gets hurt because he's a professional,
and you're a scientist with laser-like aim.
That night, you go to bed holding the ax
close to your chest. Right as you doze off,
out of the ax crawls a pack of baby wood spiders.
They love wood, it's where they live, hence the name.
But spiders aren't used to being in Antarctica,
so they're freezing.
Desperate for warmth, they crawl in all of your holes:
face, belly button, your little butthole.
The next morning, you wake up.
Turns out, your body is 80% spiders.
So yes, spiders can lay eggs in your skin.
It's just a matter of when and how.
I'm expert Natasha Vaynblat.
And I'm arachnid expert Gus Johnson.
And your worst fear has been confirmed.
How do I get out of here?
I'm not sure, I've always been here.