SCP-001-J Keep Calm and Apolly On - Object class Apollyon
Notice from the Records And Information Security Administration
In light of the events of Incident-OO1-Omega, the following document has been made public
to all Foundation staff to ensure the peaceful and effective execution of Contingency Schubert-9.
Item #: SCP-OO1-J Object Class: Apollyon
Special Containment Procedures: As of Incident-OO1-Omega, there is no longer any feasible way to contain
SCP-OO1-J or to prevent the coming of Scenario XK-OO1-J.
To maintain calm and ensure a smooth transition of the human race into the wide variety of
customized and readily-available afterlives1, Contingency Schubert-9 is to be enacted immediately.
Description: The description of SCP-OO1-J is a lethal cognitohazard, and as such, is
available on request for all interested personnel.
Addendum - Contingency Schubert-9: Contingency Schubert-9 is comprised of an auditory alarm
system at all Foundation sites.
The following alerts are to be played constantly.
Threat Level Alarm Meaning Epsilon-Green Foghorn SCP-OO1-J has been stopped,
because miracles are real.
Delta-Green Klaxon No activity from SCP-OO1-J. Delta-Blue Klaxon but slightly higher in pitch
SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes (unconfirmed).
Delta-Yellow O5-11 imitating the Delta-Blue alarm SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes (confirmed
with photographic evidence).
Delta-Orange "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones SCP-OO1-J has opened its eyes and is looking
at Earth.
Delta-Red "It's Not Unusual" Norwegian black metal remix by Dr. Naismith SCP-OO1 has opened
its eyes, is looking at Earth, and Dr. Naismith wants to promote his band.234
Gamma-Green Klaxon, Foghorn, Buzzer at the same time Civilian casualties have begun.
Gamma-Blue The entire soundtrack of David Lynch's Dune Civilian casualties continue.
Gamma-Yellow Same as Delta-Orange, but with air horns Civilian casualties continue, but
with more of an aggressive subtext.
Gamma-Orange Same as Epsilon-Green, but with a muffled eagle cry in the background SCP-OO1-J
is targeting your site, prepare for death.
Gamma-Red "Don't Sleep In The Subway" by Petula Clark This site has been destroyed by SCP-OO1-J,
ergo, I can enjoy Petula Clark as much as I damn well please and only corpses will judge
me.
Beta-Green 10 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically.
A species has gone extinct as a result of SCP-OO1-J.
Beta-Blue 14 seconds of an old woman sobbing hysterically.
A city has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J. Beta-Yellow 14.3 seconds of an old woman sobbing
hysterically.
A country has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J.
Beta-Orange Beta-Yellow, but "Nearer My God To Thee" plays in the background on an accordion.
A continent has been destroyed as a result of SCP-OO1-J.
Beta-Red Beta-Orange, but backwards.
The old woman we recorded is still very sad about the whole affair, and could use a hug.
Alpha-Black-Omega-Death-Death The entire discography of Toby Keith "Good goin', OO1-J, you destroyed
our civilization.
This is your reward, an eternity of Toby Keith.
Was it worth it?"
Actually, I'm deaf.
It is believed that proper execution of Contingency Schubert-9 will maintain good morale, ease
suffering, and relieve stress.
In addition, testing prior to Incident-OO1-Omega has found that the volume of these alerts
is directly proportional to the level of calm during times of stress.
Therefore, usage of additional amplification assets, as well as maximum volume, is encouraged.
Does the black moon howl?
'Actually, it's more of a low-pitched, wheezing kind of short mumble, like, do tapirs make
any noises?
- It's a tapir sneeze.'
- 5/OO1-J clearance accepted.
To whom it may concern:
I've received word from various site directors that Contingency Schubert-9 actually worsens
the level of stress during Scenario XK-OO1-J. Allow me to address some of your concerns
to the best of my ability:
1.
These concerns are absolutely valid and correct.
2.
In fact, I can assure you that the purpose of Schubert-9 is to make things as unbearable
as possible for everyone, and, hopefully, drive us all to kill each other.
3.
I really don't like any of you, and frankly, I'm very upset that SCP-OO1-J is dealing with
you before I could.
On a related note - find your own victims, you gutless amateur.
Thank you for your understanding during this trying time.
Regards,
The Administrator