Alright, now, I was a pretty good kid in school
I didn't get into too much trouble, was just kinda minding my own business most of the time
But I did get suspended in the high school once
I was a junior and I was in my sixth-hour class
Mrs. Topola's Design and Color
It was a painting class, that focused on..
Well, it focused on design and color, I guess..
Obviously, I didn't pay too much attention
Because here I am, drawing craphole stick figures for the internet
I'm no Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel, that's for sure
So I'm sitting there, just making a mockery of whatever project we're working on
And I'm a complete mess!
I got like, white paint all over my pants
Like I was an odd one out of a bukkake
And there was this girl, sitting next to me, Kayla
And she was staring at the mess, that I made on my pants
Now, I thought she was just staring at my booty
My.. my derriere.. the ol' caboose, if you will
So naturally, I said, "Kayla, stop staring at my ass!"
And right when I said it, the teacher from all the way across the goddamn room
She's like: "Excuse me!"
My head pops up: "There's no way she's talking to me, right?"
"How the hell did she hear me?"
"What does she got, a.. goddamn buffalo horn held up to her head?"
"Picking up the subtlest of frequencies, like a Soviet spy? What the hell?"
"Excuse me, what did you say?!"
"Uhhh.. I said, Kayla, stop staring at my ass!"
I said it proudly, like I'm not in the wrong here
It's obviously Kayla's fault, she's the pervert staring down my crack
What do you want from me?
I mean, it's just a word "ASS" and ass can mean an animal, for Chist's sake!
It's a donkey!
"Sorry, Mrs. Topola, let me fix this for you!"
"Kayla, stop staring at my donkey!"
"There. Is that better? No? Yeah, that actually sounds worse, doesn't it? Shit"
"Go down to the dean's office, young man! We don't use that language here!"
So I walk out of the classroom
Everybody's looking at me, like I'm Charlie Manson all of a sudden
- Oh my God, he said the A word... - He's the DEVIL!
So I go to the dean's office
And our dean was a guy, named Mr. Haldwell
He's this bald guy, that was, like, 5'4
I could never tell how old he was
He was, like, somewhere between the ages of 29 and 68
And he had the shiniest head I've ever seen on a man
*Ding*
Now, Mr. Haldwell was an asshole, there's no way around it, it was part of his job
He's there to be an asshole to kids, because those kids are being assholes in the first place
Fair enough
And he'd call everyone "baby boy", when he was talking to them
Which just made about everybody on the planet uncomfortable
"What brings ya daan here, baby booy?!"
"Uh.. could you not call me that please?"
"Wait, wait, don't tell me.. you said 'Ass', right?"
And I'm like: "Oh, Christ! Is that what I'm known for now? I am the Ass-kid?"
"What a reputation!"
So right off the bat, I get suspended from school for a day
*jail door closes*
But not only that, I also had to go down to the lunch room and help clean up
So there I was, got a goddamn hairnet on
I'm pushing the garbage can around
- Woah! Why is Tyler dressed up like a lesbian? - I don't know, that's weird!
"Are you finished with your tater tots? Allow me!"
"I have a foul mouth, and this is my penance"
Now, it's worth noting, that this suspension wasn't a normal suspension
It was a little bit worse
I didn't get to stay home at school the next day
And watch "The Young & The Restless" with my mom on TV, no
Instead, I had to go to a church, that was down the street from my school
And sit in the basement all day with a police officer
And it wasn't just me, there were a bunch of other derelicts there
Just a bunch of psychopaths, all crammed into a room
They all got, like, dirt moustaches, eye patches and shit
So they make you sit there all day
And they force you to do these behavioral worksheets
They ask you pretty simple questions, like:
[Little Timmy is being bullied in class. What should little Timmy do about that?]
[A. Tell the teacher or B. Set the coat room on fire]
And I got this weird kid the whole time sitting next to me, trying to talk to me
"Hey, hey you! I never seen you here before, what did you do?"
"Uhhh, I told somebody to stop staring at my donkey"
"My.. my ass, I mean.. my ass. What about you?"
"Oh, I just filled my locker with a bunch of dead puppies"
"Anyways, hey, what did you get for question number 1?"
"I was thinking it's A, but all these voices in my head keep telling me it's B"
I'm like: "You know what, I don't need to make any friends here, I have enough friends in life"
"I'm gonna stop talking to people"
So I sat there and did my worksheet, and I turned it in
Aaand.. you know what they did? They gave me another one
"Holy hell! How many of these do I got to do?"
"ENOUGH TO FIX YOUR BRAIN!!!"
"Okay, well, I think I got a pretty normal brain, alright?"
"I'm not, like, Jeffrey Dahmer over here"
"Starting a puppy Holocaust in his locker"
This was one of the longest goddamn days of my life
I just sat through all day
Stared at the clock
Listening to the psycho stick next to me mumble to himself
Even the cop over there's uncomfortable
He's got, like, his gun out on the desk, just so everybody can see it
Finally it's 3:15, we're allowed to leave
I'm overjoyed
"Ah, yeah, we get to leave?!"
"I don't have to talk to a parole officer or anything? I'm out of here? Ah, sweet!"
I show up to my art class the next day, and I'm on my best behaviour!
I'm not going back to jail, God damn it!
I'm over there talking like an English gentleman from here on out
"I beg your pardon, Kayla, but if you could avert your eyes.."
"From the crevice of my rump, I would just be overjoyous for your patronage"
"Uhm.. what are you talking about?"
"It means, I'd appreciate it, if you'd stop staring at my ass crack, okay?!"
"Excuse me!"
"Ah, God damn it!"
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[Martin Ceja 2 weeks ago] Tell a story of when you got suspended or got detention
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