(sighs) We were dating for six years before I found out that she was cheating on me.
And, uh, then we did it for two years after that.
(Light music)
(sighs) My first breakup?
Man wh...
Oh worst breakup.
Okay.
(Heavy sigh) The worst breakup?
She was the love of my life...
We were dating for two weeks.
I got really mad,
and I try to push him out of the car on the freeway
But, like, my arms were too short?
She would do this thing where she would fart and then blame it on the turtle.
We used to make each other laugh a lot.
Like, I used to do this thing where I'd fart and then I'd blame it on our turtle.
So I pulled over, I asked him to get out and lay down in front of the car so I could run him over.
And I was like, yo you need to stop acting crazy or this is over
We were in line for Space Mountain when he told me it was over.
No. Why would we leave?
Like she'd always always ask me how my day was.
Crazy.
I...left...in the middle of the night.
I just packed up all my stuff and then I was like, screw it!
I packed up her stuff too.
And then she tell me she miss me
Crazy
So the first time we broke up was the worst,
but, then it started to get a little easier??
Then it got a little harder around breakup 15 or 16.
Then she show up to my house with some cookies.
You ain't my grandma!
Full on crazy!
But we're back together...
For now.
She wanted to take the turtle with her
So I suggested that we share the turtle and she freaked out on me.
He wanted to split the turtle.
Like not share it!
And then every other week
She'd take the body and I'd take the shell!
Wait...
They wanted to what?
The shell is literally part of the turtle.
She wanted to take the whole turtle?!
It's just like child custody cases, I've watched it on TV.
I'm not crazy!
He wanted to take the shell while I took the little turtle body.
Like how sad is that?!
But it wasn't just the turtle...
She would always just take and take and take until there was nothing left.
You know, he did that kind of stuff all the time.
Like if Justin can't have something then nobody else can.
Some people make soup out of turtles :)
I'd come home from work in a good mood,
and then she would just dump all her problems on me and just bring me down.
Yeah, f*ck me for expecting my boyfriend to be there for me instead of acting like a little brat.
I just wanted to come home and play Fortnite.
It's already hard enough to floss in front of the TV when I'm already going through so much.
I come home from a hard day of work.
My boss yelled at me, again.
And then you're hitting the woah,
*voiceover* or nae nae-ing or whipping or whatever the next Fortnite dance is.
And f*ck me for thinking that I'd be enough to make you happy!
Well, you know what you weren't enough and you never were enough you'll never be enough and no one's ever gonna love you!!
*gasp*
Ohhhhhh....
That felt incredible.
Don't even know why I'm doing this...
Having my pain exploited for your entertainment
Wow you're probably loving this, huh?
The more pain I feel, the more views your little video's gonna get?
So wait, is this whole video just you guys asking personal questions to reopen old wounds?
You are sick.
You disgust me.
Gross
Y'all are crazy.
You're a bad person.
What you're doing is exploitative and wrong.
This is digusting. I-I'm so done.
I would leave right now...
If I had any self-respect.
Because I like attention, duh!
How does my hair look?
No, I-I definitely still wanna be in the video.
Wow, I can't believe that he cut that lizard's tail off!
Okay, I'm pretty sure turtles don't have tails
So, if we want to get technical here...
*BEEP*
She said the turtle laughed once but I didn't think that turtles laugh...
or fart.
But, I-I don't know, we had we had a lot of trust.
*BEEP*
So then, one night she took me out to dinner,
then took me out to the movies to see Lion King,
and then, you know what, I met Drake, my favorite rapper.
That was crazy!
*BEEP*
I mean, I-I'm not an expert in relationships, obviously.
You know, my girlfriend was cheating on me with a swim instructor and the entire rest of the swim team
*BEEP*
Are you happy to see a man cry like this?
Is this enough internet for you?
Really?
I look good?
*is satisfied*
*voiceover Ian* Wow such sad stories comment 'F' to pay respects.
*voiceover Ian* And if you wanna see what dating is like in 1999 vs 2019, click that box on the left.
*voiceover Ian* And if you haven't seen the insanity that is Smosh Summer Games: Apocalypse this year, click that box on the right.
*voiceover* It's a good. time.
(music)