-With President Trump down by a wide margin in the latest polls,
his campaign has landed on a closing argument --
Spread coronavirus to as many people as possible
and threaten to leave the country if he loses.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
As of Saturday, more than 26 million people
had already voted in the presidential election,
breaking records everywhere from Alabama to Georgia to Texas.
People lined up for hours across the country,
including at some iconic sites that have been converted
into polling places like Fenway Park.
-The enthusiasm was high among voters casting their ballots
at Fenway Park. -I wanted to vote at Fenway
because we have all been cooped up inside for a little bit
and I got my Dunkies
and I'm ready to vote for Joe Biden,
but I wish I was voting for Bernie Sanders.
But it's a team sport.
-Fantastic.
Even after the pandemic is over,
I hope Boston holds every election at Fenway.
I'd love to see the exit polling afterward.
"Well, Wolf, I'm a little shocked by these numbers,
but apparently 58% voted for "Ya motha."
Usually the only election at Fenway
are landslides in favor of Jeter Sucks.
And if you're wondering what that one dot is...
[ Boston accent ] So, my uncle, who is a big wig at Fleet
got me the bank's tickets on Saturday,
so I invite Marty Snakes, and he's all,
"Can I bring my friend?" And I say, "Sure."
'Cause I owe him from that time his cousin, who's a statie,
helped me out with that DUI.
But Marty doesn't mention his friend's a Yankee fan.
Kid shows up with the hat and everything, and on top of that,
when Marty asks if we want beers, the guy says,
"I'll take a IPA," and I'm like, "IPA?
How about a Bud Light and you shut the [bleep] up?"
That was like a little play.
So, tens of millions of people across the country
have already lined up to vote or mailed in their ballot.
Now, we don't know what that tells us about the outcome
except that it can't be great news for Trump
since he is currently trailing in national polls
around 10 points, and he's running out of time
to make up the gap, which might explain why he has been making
a series of increasingly bizarre threats
about what he'll do if he loses.
-If I lose to him, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I will never speak to you again.
Can you imagine if I lose, my whole life, what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna say, "I lost to the worst candidate
in the history of politics."
I'm not going to feel so good.
Maybe I'll have to leave the country?
I don't know. -Oh, I don't know if you heard.
But we can't go anywhere!
And I know everyone got excited about that last part,
but even if he did leave the country,
I'm pretty sure he would go somewhere that had the Internet.
I only want him to leave the country
because he'll be so broke he'll have to backpack
through Europe with a Eurail pass and sleep in cheap hostels.
[ As Trump ] E-Excusez-moi, ou est le,
eh, oh, McDonald's?
[ Normal voice ] Also, I didn't think I could be
any more motivated to vote against Trump until I heard him
say if he loses he'll never speak to us again.
I would give anything not to hear Trump's voice any more.
He's everywhere -- our phones, our TVs.
He's even my GPS voice now.
[ As Trump ] We love to head northeast on Main Street
and then turn left in 1,000 feet, don't we, folks?
And you're hearing it more and more.
Jug handle. It's a jug handle, folks.
Don't we love our jug handles? You know what I always say?
Why do they call it a jug handle?
Who drinks out of the jugs anymore? Am I right?
We don't drink out of the jugs.
What I'm saying, you understand,
but the fake news, they'll never report it.
Oh, they love their jug handles. Crooked streets!
[ Normal voice ] Why are we in the middle of a lake?
Trump never shuts up in part because he wants to make us
feel he's inevitable, like he's an immutable part of our lives,
that there will never be a day when we don't have to wake up
and 12 different psychotic news stories that say something like
"Trump accuses Eiffel Tower
of working with Bigfoot to give him COVID.
Republicans say they haven't seen the tweet."
We can't have that.
We can't have a country where we don't have to listen
to the most irritating man in the world every goddamn day.
If Joe Biden is elected, it'll be like
having your retiree dad in the office.
He'll talk to you for about five minutes a week
and then say, uh, "You need any money?
Alright. Here's your mother."
So, tens of millions of Americans are filling out
mail ballots and pouring into polling places as we speak,
and you can tell which constituencies
Trump is doing especially poorly with because he is not subtle
about pandering to them. For example,
He's added a very pathetic refrain to his rallies --
begging women who live in the suburbs to like him.
-I saved your suburbs. Women!
Suburban women, you're supposed to love Trump!
Suburban women, they should like me
more than anybody here tonight.
So can I ask you to do me a favor?
Suburban women, will you please like me?
-Two weeks left in the campaign and he's starting to sound like
late-'70s Woody Allen.
[ As Woody Allen ] Suburban women don't like me very much.
Once I went on a date to a strip mall.
I thought -- [ Winces, chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Can you guys remember how good
the Boston accent was?
[ As Allen ] Yeah, I was supposed to show --
[ Laughs ]
[ Normal voice ] Just go, just go.
[ Sighs ] By the way, remember --
[ Laughter ]
You guys remember when this wet sandwich over here
wrapped up one of his speeches with, "Please clap,"
and everybody on both sides of the aisle made fun of him
until he disappeared forever, and yet Trump begs people
to, "Please like me," and 40% of the nation
still thinks he's some kind of unstoppable warrior king?
Seriously, our president is so desperate
for the votes of suburban women, he's starting to sound like
a divorced dad on the prowl.
"Suburban women, will you please like me?
I don't know any restaurants in the city.
Do you think suburban women were maybe just maybe just turned off
a smidge by the affair you had with a porn star?
You should try pulling that one at Ann Taylor.
[ As Trump ] Now, before you answer, my wife
had just given birth, and Stormy was a 10.
[ Normal voice ] And then were are seniors,
a group Trump won handily in 2016
that he's now struggling with in key states like Florida.
Last week, Trump held an indoor event with seniors in Florida
where he touted a last minute and likely illegal scheme
to send cash cards for prescription drugs
to every senior before the election.
-I'm honored to be here in Fort Myers to reaffirm
my solemn pledge to America's seniors.
It's so important to me. I happen to be a senior.
[ Laughter ]
I will protect you, I will defend for you,
and I will fight for you with every ounce of energy
and conviction that I have.
-He can't even say the words "energy and conviction"
with energy and conviction.
He sounds like a pastor reading rap lyrics
at an obscenity hearing.
Face down, ass up.
That's the way we like to eff.
Whenever he reads off a script,
he sounds like his COVID meds just kicked in.
[ As Trump ] They gave me an experimental cocktail
of Regeneron mixed with NyQuil, Valium, and Lunesta.
Let's have a hand for the Lunesta moth, folks.
He's a true patriot. Suburban women love him.
[ Normal voice ] Also, you don't have to say
"I happen to be a senior." We know you're a senior
from, you know, everything about you.
Your tweets are like e-mail forwards,
your preferred method of transportation is golf cart,
and you grip that podium the way my grandma
grips a steering wheel.
You look like you're going 5 miles an hour
in the passing lane, but hey,
at least you dance like a young person.
[ Chuckles ]
[ As Trump ] I call this move, "Roach called in a glue trap."
[ Laughter ]
[ As Allen ] [ Speaking gibberish ]
But no. [ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] I thought maybe if I snuck up on it, you know?
I thought if I didn't think about it, and just jumped --
But no amount of pathetic pandering is gonna magically
turn Trump's numbers around, mainly because we're now heading
into a third wave of the coronavirus pandemic
which scientists are warning
could be the worst yet, and Trump is doing nothing.
He's letting a deadly virus rip through the country unabated.
Worse, he seems like he is doing everything he can to spread
the disease after appearing to catch it himself
at a White House superspreader event,
and even acting like it was a good thing,
calling it "a blessing from God,"
suggesting he's immune now,
and that he feels powerful like Superman,
when if anything, he has the grammar and syntax of Bizarro.
[ As Trump ] Women suburban like no Bizarro.
[ Normal voice ] That one was for all the seniors
watching this on Tuesday morning on their iPhone 6.
For example, at that same Florida event
as hundreds of Americans die every day
and 10 states recorded record-high COVID cases,
Trump once again told seniors that the virus
was on the verge of disappearing.
-The light at the end of the tunnel is near.
We are rounding the turn. I say that all the time.
Some of the media doesn't like hearing it,
but I say it all the time. We are rounding that turn.
-You've been saying that for months.
If you're always rounding the turn,
then you're actually just going in circles,
which is something Trump has experience with
since he spends a good chunk of his time
mindlessly wandering around the White House lawn.
Like he's looking for a Frisbee in a neighbor's yard.
[ As Trump ] Mind if I look for my disc?
Me and some buddies were playing Frolf
and I accidentally let one rip.
[ Normal voice ] Trump keeps going from state to state
holding superspreader rallies
where people are tightly packed in
without masks or social distancing,
even in states experiencing surges in hospitalizations
and case loads like Wisconsin.
He keeps spreading lies about masks,
and his events repeatedly been linked to outbreaks
from Tulsa to Minnesota, just today, once again
attacked the nation's top infectious disease expert
Dr. Anthony Fauci, calling him a disaster.
At this point, it's impossible to conclude
anything other than the fact that Trump and his allies
are actively trying to get people sick.
What more could he be doing at this point,
letting people crowd surf at his rallies? Check.
And then chucking hats he touched into the crowd
right before testing positive for COVID? Check.
Soon he's gonna travel with a mascot named COVID Larry
who will hand out kisses to whoever cheers the loudest.
That's the story most voters are laser focused on.
The president and his party are actively getting people sick.
Trump and the GOP clearly do not care
how many Americans die from this disease.
They're more upset about Facebook and Twitter
not letting them spread obvious [bleep] about
a "New York Post" story even the "Post"'s own reporters
didn't want to put their names on.
The out-of-control pandemic that is once again spiking
across the country and the economic misery
that comes with it are the stories that matter most,
and Trump and the GOP can't just
talk them away no matter how they try.
That's why they're unraveling, inciting violence against
their opponents and spinning wild conspiracy theories.
Over the last few days, Trump has repeatedly called for
Joe Biden, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,
and Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan,
to be thrown in jail even after a right-wing terrorist plot
to kidnap Whitmer was uncovered.
And this weekend, two of his most obsequious toadies
floated a psychotic and vile charge against Hunter Biden.
-There is further analysis of the subpoena's handwriting,
and it suggests that the subpoena was served
by an FBI agent whose name is Joshua Wilson,
and over the last five years,
he has been working on child pornography issues.
Connect the dots. If an FBI agent is working
on child pornography issues for five years,
why is he subpoenaing the laptop of Hunter Biden?
Is there a connection here?
Should this suggest that there is a child pornography issue
here on that laptop?
-Well, I think you just made the connection.
Again, this is what the FBI I think has to come clean about.
-So, was the FBI agent who served the subpoena
investigating child pornography, Senator?
-Well, you just read the news report.
I can't comment any further.
-These rotten, soulless husks are just doing Pizzagate
all over again, and they didn't even add any new details.
They just did a search and replace
with Hunter Biden in for Hillary Clinton.
I mean, at least punch it up a little bit.
Come on. It's season four.
Add an evil twin or a talking cat.
You know, everyone is focused on Wisconsin cheese turd
Ron Johnson here, and rightly so,
but let's not forget Maria Bartiromo,
who is also a true crazy person,
and you can just tell from the way she talks.
She's got that vibe of an aunt who spends all her time
reading about alien autopsies on Internet message boards.
"They're hiding the bodies at Fort Knox!"
I'd say Fox should fire Bartiromo
for spreading such a baseless and grotesque claim,
but then Fox would still hire the replacement,
so it's not like it would be better.
Like, how it's a good idea for the Jets to get a new QB,
until you remember the Jets would be in charge
of picking the new QB.
"We like this kid, strong arm. Good speed.
Gets skittish when he hears loud noises,
so don't boo, you guys, please! If you boo, it's bad!"
The reason they are trying to slime the Bidens is because
they can't actually talk about Trump's horrendous record,
and now with two weeks until the election as millions of people
line up to vote early and Biden widens his lead
in national polls, the president has been as erratic as ever.
He's concocting a harebrained scheme
with his Italian Dracula lawyer to spread disinformation
about the Biden family, calling for political opponents
to be thrown in jail, inciting violence against
the Governor of Michigan, laying the groundwork
for his sequel to Bush v. Gore,
begging suburban women to like him,
threatening to leave the country if he loses,
suggesting on Twitter that Biden had the members of SEAL Team Six
murdered after failing to kill Osama bin Laden,
who is according to this theory, still alive,
and claiming the military had some sort
of secret aquatic weapon.
-Everybody is envious.
We have the hydrosonic missiles that you used to hear about.
We didn't have them because other countries
were stealing our plans from the Obama administration,
but we now have hydrosonic missiles.
-Are you sure you don't mean hypersonic? Not hydrosonic?
Are you confusing the US military with Aquaman?
[ As Trump ] We have hydrosonic missiles, folks.
They can talk to dolphins, fish.
That's how we recruited the Navy SEALs.
[ Normal voice ] We're watching a deeply dangerous man
supported by a deeply dangerous party
unravel at the prospect of losing power.
They don't seem to care who they hurt
or who gets sick in the process,
but it's in our power to stop him
by voting to repudiate him in overwhelming numbers.
And if we succeed, this time next year,
he'll be going country to country asking people...
-Will you please like me? -This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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