(piano music)
- [Kati] I think it will kinda be like-
Hey everybody!
Today were gonna to talk about trauma boding.
What is it and how can we heal from it?
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome!
I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays
so make sure you're subscribed and have your
notifications turned on so that you don't miss out.
But let's jump into today's topic.
Now the term trauma bonding was coined by a
councilor by the name of Patrick Carnes,
and is defined as the misuse of fear,
excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology
to entangle another person.
But what that really means is that traumatic bonding
is a strong emotional attachment between an abused person
and his or her abuser, formed as a result of
the cycle of violence.
When I first started reading and researching this topic,
I found myself thinking that trauma bonding sounded
an awful lot like gaslighting or even Stockholm syndrome,
ya know?
Because, gaslighting is when we are manipulated
by someone, by them telling us that what we
thought happened, or how something happened,
like our perception, isn't right.
And that can make us question our own expirence,
or even our own sanity.
And, if you know what the cycle of abuse is,
there's this tension building phase,
where you feel like you're walking on eggshells,
then there's the incident phase where the
abuse actually happens,
and then it's followed by this reconciliation period
where they're apologetic and I love you,
and didn't mean to do it.
And then there's finally this little calm period,
which we know as people are in abusive relationships,
and it goes on and on the cycle continues,
that calm period can go away.
But, the most important thing is that
that reconciliation phase in that cycle
may just make us think that we didn't remember
the abuse correctly,
or that it may not have been as bad as we actually thought.
Or that they really do love us and that's just
the way that they show it.
You know, you can see how this could relate,
in some ways,
to gaslighting.
And therefore to trauma bonding.
Now Stockholm syndrome, on the other hand,
is when we have feelings of trust and connection
with our kidnapper or abuser.
And they say that we do this because it's our
best chance of staying alive and its sort of like
a survival instinct.
And again, you can see that if we're bonding
with our abusers, it could look and feel
very similarly to Stockholm syndrome.
Oh and I have a video about that if you didn't realize,
I will link in the description,
so if you want to learn more you can
check that video out.
Okay, now that we know what trauma bonding is,
and how it's defined,
lets get into why they think it happens.
Now, research shows that bonding actually occurs
because we can become addicted to the hormonal
and emotional rollercoaster that the abuser
has put us on.
Isn't that crazy to think of?
That we can become--like our brain can become actually
addicted to it.
What this really means is that
even though the abuse is terrible, we hate it,
the love and attention that we get afterwards
is so good that we slowly forget how bad the abuse was.
Our brain can get so used to this up and down
emotional ride that it craves it.
And the rush of the stress hormone cortisol,
if you didn't know that's what happens when
we're super stressed, our body releases cortisol.
And then, when that stress of the abusive situation fades,
and they like shower us with love,
and they apologize for everything that's happened.
Then, we get a flood of that feel-good chemical, dopamine.
And that can even trigger the reward center in our brain.
So in a way, we feel like by engaging in this relationship,
and allowing ourselves to be abused,
we're actually, like getting something out of it.
And I know that just sounds really crazy
but its really important to understand.
And also, we know that dopamine makes us feel
really good, right?
We can really become addicted to that feeling.
And that can cause us to even think that
we're in love with our abuser.
Especially if we're really, really young
and less mature.
And so, many of my patients who were in
abusive relationships for years,
have told me that they've tried leaving,
and dating someone else.
But it was just too boring,
or they didn't get excited to see the new person
like they did their abuser.
Or they miss their abuser just too much
to really move on and even attempt to
date someone else.
And the draw that we can feel towards
the abusive person in out life can be
really hard for others to understand or accept.
And that can cause us to be even more isolated,
which we know--I've talked about this before--
but in abusive relationships,
when we're isolated,
it's easier for them to manipulate us
and so it kinda leaves us in a more
vulnerable position.
And I say all of this just because if you are
a friend of someone who may be going through this,
do your best to be there
and be as understanding as possible.
The last thing you want to do
is make someone, who's already in a horrible
position or situation, feel even worse.
So just try to listen and support as much as you can.
And I actually talk a lot about this,
toxic relationships, abusive relationships,
within my new book Are u ok?
That is coming out December 11th.
And it's within the chapter all about toxic relationships,
and its available for pre order now
so click the link in the description
to order yours today!
Now, the sort of trauma bonding that I'm talking about
can really take its toll on our physical health as well.
Many of my patients have developed stress induced Eczema,
I'm being serious you guys,
all through our scalp, onto our face,
on our arms, or acne.
And research even shows that some people
develop high blood pressure as a result,
and others even autoimmune diseases.
So, lets get into how we can know it's
happening to us so we can move through it,
heal from it,
and escape as quick as possible.
And so the signs that we may have
fallen victim to trauma bonding are:
Number one, you feel stuck in the relationship
and you don't really see any way out of it.
Number two, you find yourself walking on eggshells
around them, worrying that you may do something
that'll set them off.
Number three, you know that this person is
doing things that hurt you,
but you're afraid that they may hurt themselves
if you leave.
Number four, people around you have mentioned
that you need to get out of the relationship.
Number five, When you try and leave,
you immediately feel an intense longing
to see that person again,
and the pain of that longing always brings you back.
Number six, you're punished
or given the silent treatment by your partner
when you say or do something
that they considered to be wrong.
And seven, friends and family are disturbed by
some things they've said or done to you
in your relationship,
but you don't really feel like it's that big of a deal.
Now those are just a few of the red flags,
or things we should notice if they're going on
in our relationships.
But if you think I've missed some,
please add those in the comments down below.
The more warning signs we have, the better.
If after hearing those warning signs,
or reading through the comments you suddenly realize
that you've been suffering from trauma bonding
don't worry!
We can get you out and you can heal.
So lets get into those very important,
and hopefully really helpful,
techniques and tools.
Oh and before I get into this--
know that it is very, very normal
for us to miss our abuser when we leave.
People around us may expect us to feel anger, pity,
or disdained for them.
But, we may just really miss them terribly.
And so were gonna need to give ourself
the time to grieve.
And be patient with yourself while you're doing this.
I encourage you to share the struggle,
this missing them, and the upset that you feel,
with your therapist so that they can help you
process through all you've been though.
But again, feeling like this is very normal.
I just want you all to know that because many people
express to me, from our Kinion community,
as well as my own patients,
that they haven't told anybody about that forever.
And it's always prevented them from healing and moving on.
And so, just know it's normal to feel sad and upset,
but that doesn't mean that we can't get out
of the unhealthy relationship and heal from it.
Now my first tip is obviously start therapy.
Even if you aren't sure of what you want to talk about,
or if you're even strong enough to talk about at all,
please reach out, preferably to a trauma specialist,
but if that's not available to you,
any therapist that you like and connect with will do.
Because just having someone we can talk to
where there's no judgment and there's
compassionate understanding
it's just so helpful during this time.
And it can be the difference between us going
back into that unhealthy relationship
and being stuck in that abuse cycle again,
and getting out and feeling a little bit better
about ourselves and more confident that we
made the right decision.
And number two, grieve.
Just like I said,
we may not want to leave,
or we may miss them terribly when we finally do leave.
Give yourself the time to grieve the
loss of that relationship and what it meant to you.
I know logically we can know that it wasn't good,
and that we were hurt, and it was just
bad altogether.
But, just make sure that you allow yourself
to feel how you feel and be sad about it.
It's okay to feel that way.
I find the more that we ignore it and push it down,
the longer it will bother us.
And also, just because something doesn't make sense,
doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel it.
Number three, Write about the abuse.
When you feel safe enough to do so, obviously,
write about what happened.
When it started, maybe how you felt during it,
and this just gives your brain another chance to process it.
And this could be something that you could do
if you don't hace access to therapy right now,
this is something we can start today.
And it will allow us the chance to vent honestly
about the situation.
We can talk about how hard it was
and when we fell in love with them.
Or, just all of it, right?
It gives us a place to vent,
and to kinda process through all the situations
we've been in with this person.
And remember, there's no judgment
when it comes to journaling.
Just write it out, use bullet points,
scribble down portions of thoughts as needed.
If doesn't have to make sense at all,
it doesn't have to be a cohesive sentence.
You can misspell, you can have horrible penmanship.
It doesn't matter, there's no judgment
when it comes to journaling.
And number four, join a group.
Being in a group can get us out of that
feeling crazy experience that being gaslit can cause.
When we hear other peoples' stories,
and they have similar experiences as us,
it can be so healing,
and remind us that we're not alone in this.
Which we all know is something that we may have
thought for a really long time.
And also, Facebook groups will work too.
I hope you found this video helpful,
I know many of us in this community have been abused,
or are in abusive realtionships,
and are maybe struggling with trauma bonding.
And overall, I just hope that this reminded you
that you are not alone.
And it offered some helpful tips
to start the healing process.
And as always, if you think I left something out,
or you want to add in your own experience,
please leave it in those comments down below,
and I will see you next time, bye!
Now, this sort of trauma bonding that we're talking about
can also play a toll
play a toll, its pay--
play a toll?
- [Man] Take it
- Take a toll.
I'm like that's not even proper english.
Now this sort of trauma bonding that I'm talk about--
yeah, I know, play a toll, its not-- (laughs)
Now this sort of trauma bonding (mumbles)
I don't know why this is so hard.
Almost done Kati