>> HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "LATE SHOW"."
FOLKS, OUR NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HER
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "9 LATE SHOW," SAMANTHA RUDDY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO LEGALIZE WEED SOON.
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH!
YOU KNOW, ENOUGH WITH THIS ROSS AND RACHEL, WILL THEY/WON'T
THEY?
LET'S JUST DO IT.
ONE OF THE ONLY ARGUMENTS YOU'LL HEAR AGAINST LEGALIZING WEED IS
THAT IT WOULD BE BAD FOR FAMILIES.
BUT I THINK CIGARETTES ARE WAY WORSE FOR FAMILIES.
BECAUSE, LIKE, A TON OF PEOPLE HAVE DADS WHO WENT OUT TO GET
CIGARETTES, AND NEVER CAME BACK.
( LAUGHTER )
NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE.
( APPLAUSE )
SHE'S GREAT.
WE'RE FIGHTING.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M 26.
MY FRIENDSES ARE LIKE, "WELL, MAYBE SHE'S TOO MATURE FOR YOU.
YOU SHOULD TRY DATING SOMEBODY YOUNGER."
BUT I'M 26.
I'M NOT GOING TO DATE A 19-YEAR-OLD.
DATING A 19-YEAR-OLD IS LIKE OWNING A GUN IN NEW YORK-- IT'S
TECHNICALLY LEGAL.
BUT YOU CAN'T BRING IT ANYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IF MAYBE WE WANT TO HAVE KIDS ONE
DAY.
I DON'T THINK I'D BE A GOOD MOM.
I RECENTLY ADOPTED AN OTTER FROM THE AQUARIUM.
AND WHEN I WENT TO VISIT, I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S MY OTTER.
I WOULD KNOW MY OTTER ANYWHERE."
AND THE AQUARIUM GUY WAS LIKE, "ACTUALLY, THESE ARE THE SEA
LIONS."
( LAUGHTER )
TO RAISE MY SON!"
"HE IS AN OTTER."
ALSO, HAVING A BABY IS SUPER EXPENSIVE FOR LESBIANS.
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION COSTS $5,000.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.
I'M LUCKY, THOUGH, BECAUSE ONE OF MY GUY FRIENDS IS, LIKE, IN
LOVE WITH ME.
( LAUGHTER )
ME $5,000?"
A LOT OF LESBIANS DON'T LIKE IT WHEN MEN ASK THEM OUT.
I DON'T MIND IT.
I WAS GETTING HIT ON BY A GUY THE OTHER DAY AND HE JUST WASN'T
PICKING UP ON SOCIAL CUES OR OUTFITS.
( LAUGHTER )
TO ME AND HE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S PRETTY SEXY
WHEN A WOMAN ASKS ME OUT."
I WAS LIKE, "ME, TOO."
( APPLAUSE )
FAMILY, BUT THEY TRY HARD TO BE ACCEPTING.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS SAY THE RIGHT THING, THOUGH.
LIKE, THE OTHER DAY I WAS SITTING WITH MY DAD AND MY
GIRLFRIEND DISPP MY DAD KIND OF JUST COCKED HIS HEAD AT US AND
HE WAS LIKE, "SO WHICH ONE OF YOU WEARS THE PANTS?"
AND I HAD TO BE, "WELL, ACTUALLY, IN A SAME-SEX
RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE NOT BEHOLD TONE RELATIONSHIPS WHERE ONE IS
THE SUBMISSIVE ONE AND THE OTHER THE BOSS."
AND I LOOKED OVER AT MY GIRLFRIEND AND SAID, "THAT'S
WHAT YOU SAID, RIGHT, BABE?"
"IN THAT ARTICLE YOU MADE ME READ."
I READ IT.
I'M FROM A BLENDED FAMILY, SO I HAVE, LIKE, A BUNCH OF
HALF-SIBLINGS AND WHATNOT.
WE GET ALONG REALLY WELL.
ONE TIME, THOUGH, I WAS ARGUING WITH MY DAD, AND MY DAD WAS JUST
BEING A TOTAL KNOW-IT-ALL.
AND OUT OF ANGER I IDEAL, "I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD."
AND HERE'S THE THING-- HE IS MY REAL DAD.
( LAUGHTER )
THOUGHT I KNEW SOMETHING THAT HE DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
SO I WON THAT ARGUMENT, YOU KNOW.
I'M TRYING TO DRESS BETTER.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S APPROPRIATE TO WEAR ANYWHERE.
THE, DAY I WAS WEARING A SHIRT THAT HAD THE "F" WORD ON IT.
AND A MOM CAME UP TO ME AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT
SHIRT OFF BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO MY SON
WHAT THAT WORD MEANS."
AND I WAS LIKE, "LADY, FITAKE THIS SHIRT OFF, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO EXPLAIN A LOT MORE THAN THE "F" WORD."
( LAUGHTER )
WITH MORE OUTFITS IF I WAS IN BETTER SHAPE.
I'M NOT IN GOOD SHAPE.
BUT I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE.
AND I KNOW THEY ARE BECAUSE THEY POST ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK ALL
THE TIME.
LIKE, THERE'S THIS APP THAT TRACKS YOUR RUNNING STATS.
IT WILL SAY THINGS LIKE, "JOHN RAN FOR FOUR MILES TODAY AND
EARNED HIS CALORIE INCINERATOR BADGE.
WHY DON'T YOU ALL CONGRATULATE HIM."
I WISH THERE WAS AN APP THAT TALKED HOW MUCH NETFLIX I WATCH.
( APPLAUSE )
EVERY EPISODE OF 'TINY HOUSE HUNTERS'.
EARNED HER 'HADN'T GOTTEN OFF THE COUCH IN TWO WEEKS' BADGE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER TO HER HOUSE AND SEE IF SHE'S OKAY."
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEADLINING AT THE VELVEETA ROOM IN AUSTIN TOMORROW.
SAMANTHA RUDDY, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.