Why am I so insecure in my relationship? There might be some reasons for that. I
can help dig into the psychological aspects of that in this video.
Relationships are a place where we want to feel secure, confident like we've got
it and we don't very often. There's a reason for that and it has to do with
our focus. You know how in other videos I've talked about metacognition.
Metacognition is kind of a fancy word. But all it means is a higher level of
thinking, okay? Cognition means thinking. if we put that at this level,
Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking and notice that
you can do this. When you think about your thinking, you're in position to
learn some really powerful and important things about how your own mind is
processing this relationship and I think you'll see exactly what I'm talking
about as we go to this graph. In this box is our focus, alright? so think about your
thinking for a minute and think about where your focus is when you're in a
relationship. Is my focus on how I feel? That's this column. Or is it on how you
feel? 2 possibilities, right? So in this... In this relationship that you're
concerned about, there's you and there's the other person. I've written the
labels here in first person so that you can own it. Ask yourself. "Okay, is my focus
on how I feel? Or out with that person feels? That's what we're talking about
with the columns. Now, forget about the feelings for just a minute. We're going
to go to the rows about me or about you. That's what our rows
represent. So in addition to the feeling, we're getting to the content here. So
we've set up a little quadrant system. Now, as we look at this quadrant system,
you're going to be in one of these 4 boxes. And you probably bounced around a
little bit. But check out that relationship where you're feeling a
little insecure and let's just see why that's happening. When we're in this
first quadrant, I actually call this one the red quadrant, okay? And I color it red
in some of my presentations because this is where we don't really want to be. In
the red quadrant, my focus is on how I feel about me. See, it's all about me. Am I
good enough? Have I got this? Am I prepared? Do I know what I'm doing? Do I
think that I'm ready? Okay, these are all those red kind of thoughts. If we call it
the red quadrant. But it's just where our focus is all on how we feel about
ourselves. It's all about me how do I feel about me. See, how selfish that seems?
And what is the impact in a relationship? In your other relationships for example.
Think about how it feels when somebody else is all tied up in how they feel
about themselves. It's like, "Hello, anybody in there?"
The lights are on but nobody's home. It's like I'm unnecessary here because you're
so tied up in how you feel about yourself. how do you feel when you get
into that red quadrant? when you're focused on, "Oh, am I good enough? Do I have
this? Am I ready? Am I prepared? Am I good enough? Am I cute enough? Am I smart
enough?" Whatever, right? This creates self-consciousness.
If you're feeling self-conscious... Now, I'm not talking about that healthy sense of
self-awareness or mindfulness. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about
that anxious self-consciousness that happens anytime our focus is on how I
feel about myself. You don't even have to change it but notice it. Now, what if we
shift over here to this quadrant? Now, my focus is on how you feel about me. On how
you feel about me. Do you think that I'm good enough? Do you approve of me? Do you
think that I'm cute enough? Smart enough? Do you think I'm prepared? Do you think I
can do this? Do you accept me? All right, that is our second quadrant here. What's
the effect? Insecurity. That's where insecurity comes from. You're wondering
why you're insecure in this relationship? Is on how other people feel about you.
Just check it out and see if that is accurate. Welcome back to junior high
folks. I mean, do you remember feeling that anxious, insecurity about, "Oh, do I
fit in? Are they going to like me? Are they going to
approve of me?" This is where it comes from. And there's different levels of
that, that's granted. But I just want you to see that when your focus is here in
this quadrant, that's when you get the insecurity. That's where it comes from.
Either way up here on the top, we create anxiety. It's either that judgmental-self
judging-anxiety over here in the first quadrant or it's that insecurity of, "Oh,
do people like me? Am I going to fit in?" of the second quadrant. Either way, we
feel anxiety and nervousness and apprehension. Okay, let's move on. How
Now, my focus is on how I feel about you. Do I like you? Do I
approve of you? Do I think you're making good choices? Do I accept you? Okay, even
if it's positive, can I just add that? Even if it's positive, it creates
criticism. So we've got self-consciousness here, we've got
insecurity over there. We've got criticism here. I said even if it's
positive. Check it out. How does it feel if I approach you and
I'm like, "Oh, I approve of you. Pat you on the head a little bit." How condescending
is that. What gives me the authority to approve of you or not? It's like I'm here
and you're there, right? Doesn't feel right. And people will feel criticized. So,
when my focus is on how I feel about you, that leads to criticism. We got one more
box. This is where we get out of our own way, okay? It's not about me and how I
feel is only secondary. My focus is now on how you feel about
yourself. When I can get to that quadrant, this is the one that I have labeled the
influencer quadrant. We can also label that confidence because I think that's
going to fit as well. We get out of the insecurity and the anxiety of this top
row where it's all about me. We get out of the judgment and the criticism that's
characteristic of these two over here in the first column. It's not about me, how I
feel is only secondary. That's what gives me the influence and the confidence in
the relationship that I crave. You know, if you're feeling some insecurity in
your relationship, that's okay. There's not fun, I know. And you're trying to
change it. Just notice where it's coming from and I'm guessing that if you're
feeling insecurity, you're in that second quadrant where your focus is on how
other people feel about you. Just notice it. As you notice it, it puts you in a
higher level of choice and control. Because maybe you want to do something
about this. Now, really quickly before I let you go today.
I want to give you 4 hacks. 4 brain hacks to get you in to that influence,
confidence quadrant. Notice where your focus is. That's going to help. And then
to hack your way into that quadrant, give social gifts. There's 4 of them that I
would recommend. The first one is gratitude. You express gratitude to the
people in your life that you want to be in a relationship with. In a way that
you're focused on how they feel about themselves, that's a gift. And they will
love it. Be specific. Tell them what you're
grateful for. Not just, "Oh, I appreciate you." For what? Tell them what you like
about them. What you appreciate about them or what they've done for you. That's
the gratitude one. The second one is information. It's a gift. You give them
information. It's like enlightenment. Like something
they didn't know before. It usually starts with, "Hey, did you hear? Or you know,
what I heard today?" And then you give them a gift of information. We've got
gratitude, we got information. The next one is common ground. Common ground is
something that you share with someone else. So you point out how you're similar,
how you're alike. What you have in common. It's a social gift. And then the fourth
one is good cheer. Good cheer has to do with positivity and actually being
cheerful. And using a smile on your face. People are going to wonder what you're up
to. Don't worry about that. Give this social
gift elevates people and raises their mood. The gift of good cheer. Those 4
social gifts will help you to hack into that influence and confidence Quadrant
in your relationships. There's a whole positive relationships resources
playlist here at Live On Purpose TV. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Please
share it and check out that other playlist.
We got a lot of other good stuff.
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