EVERYWHERE ON THIS BIG BLUE MARBLE THAT WE CALL THE EARTH,
THE PRO-DEMOCRACY DEMONSTRATIONS ARE GOING STRONG.
IN HONG KONG THERE'S A HUGE ONE GOING ON.
MILLIONS IN THE STREET. LAST NIGHT TRUMP WEIGHED IN, TWEETING
FIRST OF ALL, "QUICKLY AND HUMANELY" MAKES IT SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE PUTTING THE FAMILY PET TO SLEEP.
"I'M SORRY, KIDS, HONG KONG HAS HIP DYSPLASIA.
AND THOSE TANKS ARE JUST HERE TO TAKE IT TO A FARM UPSTATE."
SECOND, ENDING THE TWEET WITH "PERSONAL MEETING?" MEANS WHAT?
(AS TRUMP) "MY COUSIN'S A CATERER IN A VERY
TOUGH BUSINESS AND IF YOU WANT A TUXEDO, HE CAN GET IT VERY
SAFELY AND HUMANELY.
WEDDING?" (
LATER, IN A RARE TWEET CORRECTION, THE PRESIDENT
CLARIFIED THAT HE DIDN'T MEAN INVOLVED, TWEETING, "IF
PRESIDENT XI WOULD MEET DIRECTLY AND PERSONALLY WITH THE
PROTESTERS, THERE WOULD BE A HAPPY AND ENLIGHTENED ENDING TO
THE HONG KONG PROBLEM.ñ I HAVE NO DOUBT!"
(AS TRUMP) "YES, AUTOCRATS SHOULD MEET
WITH THEIR ANGRY PROTESTORS.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO HOLD A RALLY WHERE ANYONE WHO
BOOS WILL GET CARRIED OUT IN A STRETCHER."
BESIDES, THERE ARE 500,000 PRO-DEMOCRACY PROTESTERS.
HOW IS THAT MEETING GOING TO WORK?
(AS XI) "HI, EVERYBODY, I'M XI,
PRESIDENT FOR LIFE.
THIS IS THE TALKING STICK.
WHOEVER HAS THE STICK, GETS TO TALK.
THIS IS THE HITTING STICK.
ANYONE WHO TALKS, GETS HIT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVEN MORE DISTURBING, IN THE RUN-UP TO THE G-20 SUMMIT, TRUMP
SURPRISED HIS AIDES WHEN HE TOLD XI THAT HE WOULD NOT CONDEMN THE
CHINESE GOVERNMENT OVER A CRACKDOWN IN HONG KONG.
(AS TRUMP) "AND I'M PROUD TO BE THE
PRESIDENT, AND TO HELP MY BEST BUD XI, AND IF HE CRUSH
PROTESTORS, YOU WON'T HEAR SQUAT FROM ME, AND I'D PROUDLY SIT'c■
DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND IGNORE THE PROTEST CRIES, 'CUZ THERE AIN'T
NO DOUBT I WANT A DEAL FOR CHINESE-MADE TRUMP TIIIIES! "e1
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
DOESN'T MATTER.
OPPORTUNITY MATTER.
>> Jon: WOW.
WOW.
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
THANK YOU JON.
>> Jon: THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> Jon: WOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZE
DONALD TRUMP HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S SOMETHING HORRIFYING:
IOWA REPRESENTATIVE AND MASTER RACE BAITER, STEVE KING.
YESTERDAY, AT A CONSERVATIVE EVENT IN IOWA, KING ARGUED IN
FAVOR OF AN ABORTION BAN WITH ZERO EXCEPTIONS.
AND HIS JUSTIFICATION WAS...
UNIQUE.
>> WHAT IF WE WENT BACK THROUGH ALL THE FAMILY TREES AND JUST
PULLED THOSE PEOPLE OUT THAT WERE PRODUCTS OF RAPE AND
INCEST?
WOULD THERE BE ANY POPULATION OF THE WORLD LEFT IF WE DID THAT?
CONSIDERING ALL THE WARS AND ALL THE RAPES AND PILLAGES THAT HAS
TAKEN PLACE AND WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CULTURE AFTER
SOCIETY.
I KNOW I CAN'T CERTIFY THAT I'M NOT A PART OF A PRODUCT OF THAT!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW -- YOU
KNOW -- UH, SHOCKING, IT'S SHOCKING, BUT
LISTENING AT STEVE KING, I CAN BUY HE WAS A PRODUCT OF
INBREEDING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW...
HERE'S SOMETHING I MIGHT BE SAYING FOR THE LASTfá TIME.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND PHANTOM OF THE
BREW PUB, JOHN HICKENLOOPER.
LAST NIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT HICKENLOOPER WAS CONSIDERING
DROPPING OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I WAS RIGHT.
TAKE A LOOK AT HISc >> A LITTLE OVER SIX MONTHS AGO
I ANNOUNCED MY RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
IN ALMOST EVERY REGARD, THIS JOURNEY HAS BEEN MORE EXCITING
AND MORE REWARDING THAN I HAVE EVER IMAGINED.
ALTHOUGH OF COURSE I DID IMAGINE A VERY DIFFERENT CONCLUSION.
>> STEPHEN: YOU DID?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THIS IS GOING ABOUT HOW
THE REST OF US EXPECTED.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SHAME TOO, BECAUSE I
NEVER REALIZED HIS NAME WAS SO CLOSE TO CHICKEN COOPER.
( LAUGHTER ) A JOKE I'LL NEVER GET TO USE.
BUT NOW IT'S COME TO AN END, AND IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO LEAVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, IT PROBABLY
WASN'T JOHN HICKENLOOPER.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, NOW, IN HONOR OF HIS
DEPARTURE FROM THE RACE, WE BID A FOND FAREWELL.
♪ ♪ I WILL REMEMBER YOU ♪
♪ WAIT -- ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU ♪
♪ I REMEMBER YOU HAD A FUNNY NAME ♪
♪ I WANTfá TO SAY HOPPINGSCOTCH.
AM I CLOSE?
♪ >> I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR TWO
WHOLE YEARS --e1 ♪ WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
♪ REMIND ME ♪
>> WHAT A NIGHT.
I LOVED IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.