The road is smooth.
Gonna be there by 11:00.
Sadly, however, the road had other ideas.
(ENGINE REVVING)
The Madagascans call this the RN5.
JAMES: Christ, this is proper rock crawl.
JEREMY: But there's a better name.
Hell.
JAMES: Right, what do I do?
I can't decide. I can't decide. I'm gonna go that way.
-(HEAVY THUD) -Oww!
Oww! Oww! Oww!
(THUDDING AND CLANKING)
The problem is, I can't see the road ahead.
The bonnet is just like a football pitch.
It's like a fat man trying to look at his penis.
Ohh! Crike all bloody mighty!
RICHARD: Having found my keys, I was now wishing I hadn't.
Oh, my God.
What I'm gonna try and do is get it up and out of these ruts.
It might mean some unusual angles at times.
Come on, little pirate. Keep pushing.
(CLANKING)
Urgh!
Oh, shit.
I daren't look.
Aargh!
The track was completely mangled.
And as a result...
Votre voiture, c'est...là-bas, oui?
...I was now blocking the road.
I think what's happening here is people are getting a bit cross.
I'm holding them all up, there's obviously a traffic jam building.
This is the Route Nationale, it's the main road.
The mainest of main roads.
On the plus side, silver lining and all that, I met an actual pirate.
However, having chatted to him for a bit...
Un petit plus lentement, s'il vous plaît. Français...
...I realised I couldn't have been more wrong.
I've discovered something.
This guy's getting married today.
It's his wedding. That's what all this is.
He's not dressed as a pirate.
He's a groom.
And I was holding up him and his entire wedding party.
Oh, God!
Meanwhile, up ahead...
OK, I admit it. This is the worst road in the world ever.
Mary was correct.
Mary will probably turn out to be a prop forward
who drives a JCB for fun at weekends.
(THUDDING AND CLANKING)
Gaargh, that is a horrible noise!
JEREMY: I think this is impossible.
I mean, we need some blasting equipment to get through here.
If you come round this way, you can see from down here,
there's no way in hell you can get a Bentley up that.
Sadly, James and I didn't have any blasting equipment.
So we had to do something radical.
Work together.
Tiny bit of left-hand down. Now you'll have to go for it.
Please!
JAMES: Gently. There you go.
JEREMY: As we were struggling with the terrain,
our colleague was having to deal, in bad French, with his held-up wedding party.
Je m'excuse.
Maintenant, je...aller...
Je vais... And you can do the same. Sorry.
To speed things up, I decided to ditch the tracks
and put the focus back on wheels.
And because they wanted to get to the church on time,
the groom and his mates were more than happy to help.
More wedding people.
JEREMY: Up ahead, our cars were still taking the punishment.
(REVVING AND CLUNKING)
JEREMY: How in the bloody hell is it doing this?
You are watching a Bentley Continental coming up here.
Woo-hoo!
JAMES: However, the big surprise of the day
was the two-wheel-drive Caterham.
Get up there, car. Come on. Go on.
Is that wheel up in the air?
Jesus, it did it.
Did you see that? It did it.
This is a track car. It's a racing car.
-(CLUNK) -Can I just remind you of that?