[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's how the game works.
In front of us are two envelopes containing --
or on-velopes -- containing confessions.
One of the envelopes -- or on-velopes --
-What do you think the Internet is for?
-Look it up.
-It's something that actually happened to us --
[ Laughter ]
We just found out. It is "envelopes."
"Envelops."
These are things that have actually happened to us
in real life.
And the other envelope is a lie.
So there's a lie and a truth.
Once you read the confession, either way,
the two other players have 60 seconds to interrogate you.
And they each have to guess
whether you've been lying or telling the truth.
Steve, you go first.
Martin, which envelope should Steve open?
Let me let me shuffle them first.
-Well, since they're numbered...
[ Laughter ]
-They are numbered, yeah. -Wow.
-I can turn them this way.
-I would say top.
-Wait. No. Which one?
This one? -That one.
-Okay. -It's the one he wanted.
-All right.
"I slept with Brigitte Bardot."
-Ooh! [ Laughter ]
-Around what time did this happen?
-This would have been 1968.
-Where was this event?
-I'll fill in a few details.
I was a writer on "The Smothers Brothers Show."
I was 23.
And we won an Emmy.
And -- What are you looking at me for?
-Oh, I just remember that famous Brigitte Bardot appearance
and the Smothers Brothers.
-No. She wasn't on the Smothers --
-Okay. Go ahead. -And we won an Emmy.
-She was on Steve Martin. [ Laughter ]
-She what? -Sorry.
-She -- No.
So three writers and I went down to Cabo San Lucas.
At a hotel. -Mm-hmm.
-And -- What are you looking at me for?
-Because. -I don't tell you everything.
-I know.
-Oh, wait! Yes, I do! -There's no way
after a 50-city tour you wouldn't have told me this.
-And I'm walking down the beach -- Sorry.
I got to move it along.
I was walking down the beach,
and it was an empty part of the beach
and there was one of those gnarly trees.
And there was a woman lying there.
-[ Growls ]
[ Laughter ]
-I don't know.
-I didn't realize you were gonna make fun of me.
-No, it's not a roast. But I don't know.
-You know what?
I'm no big sleuth, but I'm gonna say that's a lie.
-I think it's a lie as well. Steve?
-Well, I did. How's that?
[ Cheers and applause ] No, I didn't!
-We got him, but that was good! -No, I-I didn't.
I didn't. But I didn't want to lose.
[ Laughter ] -There are losers here.
-Oh. Well, there's three of them.
[ Laughter ]
-All right. It's my turn. Which envelope should I open?
One or two?
-You go. I picked the last one.
-Okay. Number two. -Okay.
-Ooh.
-"I once got into an argument with Regis Philbin
on the way to see 'Cats.'"
[ Laughter ]
-Well, uh, can you spare me the details?
[ Laughter ]
-Wait a second. Explain this to me.
-I was walking down the street. I didn't know Regis Philbin.
I was in high school, and we went to go see "Cats."
It was a New York City trip.
And I happened to see Regis Philbin,
and I yelled something about, uh,
"Where's Kathie Lee?" or something.
And he said, like,
"You never hear 'Where's Regis?'" or something like that.
And I go, "Well, where's Regis?" He goes, "Who are you?!"
And I go, "Who are you?!"
And we yelled, and we yelled back and forth,
and that was the big deal.
And I turned around. I was embarrassed.
But that was kind of cool
I got into a screaming match with Regis Philbin.
-Was Brigitte Bardot on the street at the time?
-Well, there was a gnarly tree.
-I'm gonna say that is a true story.
-I'm gonna say... because you added --
-Time's up. -No, no, no.
Because you added the fact that it was indeed you got --
I think it's true.
-That, in fact...is a lie. I did not --
[ Cheers and applause ]
No, no, no! Not -- No. No one loses.
Stop! Stop! Stop! -We're going.
We're leaving. -No. No one leave.
There's no losers. There's no losers.
-You're nothing but a liar!
-No. It's fun game. It's a fun game.
-You lied. -You lied.
-Mm. -You don't care about me. Mm.
[ Laughter ]
-By the way, thank you for telling us it's a fun game.
-Yeah. All right. Let's go.
-That fills in a lot of blanks for me.
-[ Laughs ] Well, it's fun for one of us.
-You go first. -Okay. Here we go.
I think number one.
-Mm. -We haven't chose that one yet.
Number one.
-And the winner is... Oh. Oh.
"When I was in college, to pick up girls,
I would sometimes pretend to be an exchange student from London.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
-How -- How does that pick up girls?
-[ Cockney accent ] Hello.
You're a pretty bloke, aren't you?
[ Laughter ] I mean a bird.
-Whoa! -A bloke. Whoa.
-Breaking news! -Whoa! [ Laughs ]
-Breaking news! -Breaking -- [ Laughs ]
-Okay. Let me try it again.
[ Cockney accent ] You know, hello.
Uh, I'm from London, and -- I'm a bloke from London.
I was wondering if you want -- want --
Now, by the way --
-Wouldn't an upper-class accent be better
if you're trying to pick up girls?
-Sometimes I'd do that.
[ British accent ] It's so nice to see you today.
I'd do my Cary Grant.
Or sometimes I'd do... [ British accent ] Hello.
-Did anyone ever believe you? -Yes!
They'd say, "Oh, my God. Isn't his accent cute?"
-And would they sleep with you? -No.
-Then I think it's true.
[ Laughter ] -Wait. Wait, wait.
We have more questions to ask.
-Well, doesn't that verify it?
-[ Laughs ] No. No.
He tried -- truth or lie.
To pick up girls, he used an accent.
Yes. I'd say... [ British accent ] Hello. Hello.
-Let me go around.
[ French accent ] And sometimes I'd do French.
No, no. I would do English. I'd do my English accent.
-I think it's true because I think everyone --
The Beatles were really cool and all those rock stars --
-Yes. Absolutely. -And Mick Jagger.
-And there's one other thing.
-Oh. I was interrupting? -No, no.
Then I'd tell them I was doing an English accent,
and then they'd laugh, you see, 'cause I was a "bit player."
-Yeah. I have a problem here because I've already lost.
You have won.
If I agree with him and I'm wrong,
that means you have won.
But if I say I think it's false,
then you'll only have half a win.
[ Laughter ] And is that a win for you?
This is like a math thing that I've worked out.
is half a win for him a full win for you?
No. Just being with him, I'm losing.
All right.
I'm gonna say that sounds true to me.
-That is completely true. -Oh! You guys!
[ Cheers and applause ] You're a match made in heaven!
Martin Short and Steve Martin, everybody!
-Chadwick and I are about to play
a game of deception called True Confessions-s-s.
♪♪
First, we're gonna need another player,
and we found a good one.
His new comedy special "Woke-ish" is on Netflix now.
Please welcome Marlon Wayans, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow! That was...
That was smooth. That was smooth!
-That was smooth? -That was smooth as silk.
-Hey, I'm sitting here with Black Panther.
I gotta have my black excellence on.
[ Laughter ]
You know we both went to Howard University?
-Yeah. That's right. -H-U!
-You know! -Yeah, I didn't know that part.
I left after three years. -Oh, man.
-Alright, here's how the game works, okay?
I went to college, too.
[ Laughter ]
In front of each of us
are two envelopes containing confessions.
One confession is true. The other is a lie.
Once you read your confession,
the other two players have 45 seconds to interrogate you,
and they have to guess if you've been lying or telling the truth.
Marlon, you'll go first. Chad, which envelope
should Marlon open -- One or two?
-Hmmm.
-Yeah, this is tricky.
-He's hiding something up under number one.
-Hey. -Number two.
-Number two. -Two?
Alright. No problem. -Yeah. Number two.
-Do I open it? -Yeah.
-Jimmy, I want a witness. -Why?
-Because every time I come on this show, you win something.
I don't like this. This game is rigged.
-It's not rigged. You haven't even played it yet.
-Alright. -Alright.
-I once made out with Madonna.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Alright, so -- -How old were you?
-How was I when I made out with Madonna?
-Yeah, yeah. -Which time?
[ Laughter ]
No, this was -- Alright, this was just about
five -- five -- five years ago.
-Five years ago? -Five years ago?
-Yeah. -Okay.
And where was it?
-Where were you, at a party?
-Where was we? -Yeah, you and Madonna.
-At a party. -Yeah. That's funny.
-You sound like you're just saying what he said.
-No, we was at a party.
-Or maybe that's his move, though.
-What was Madonna wearing?
-She had on red, a red outfit,
and then, like -- but it was tight,
'cause I seen Madonna ass, and I was...
And it was -- it was at -- Okay.
-Yeah, whose party was it?
-It was an -- an -- an Oscar party.
[ Buzzer ]
It was a Puffy afterparty. -No.
-Yeah, a Puffy afterparty, and everybody was drunk on Cîroc,
so things happened.
[ Laughter ]
-I don't know. -I don't know, man.
'Cause I feel like -- You're gonna say a lie?
-I'm thinking lie.
-I'm gonna say...
"I made out with Madonna."
I mean, good for you, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna say...
it's a lie.
-I done made out with Madonna, man!
[ Audience "Oh"s ]
Yes, I did! Yes, I did!
♪♪
-Whoa.
-Yo! Yo! -Yes, I did.
-Yo. -Whoo!
-Yes, I did. -Wow!
-And I tasted Britney Spears, I tasted Drake --
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no. -Hey, hey, no.
You only got one envelope.
-It was a goodbye kiss, and it was awesome,
and I don't think she remembers it,
'cause she was kissing somebody else by the time I left.
But it was awesome.
[ Laughter ]
-Tasted Britney Spears.
-Alright. -Alright, here we go.
It's my turn. That was fantastic.
-I'm scared, I'm scared now.
-Which one should I open?
-I would go for -- Hmm -- one.
-Hmm. -One.
Why he dressed all cool and me and you look like
a broke-ass "Men in Black"?
[ Laughter ]
-Is that black or is that navy?
"Men in Navy." "Men in Navy."
-The remix.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you wish you made that movie?
"Broke-ass Men in Black."
I would do it. I'd do it with you.
Alright.
I once performed at a "Def Jam" comedy hour
under the name Jeffery Smollen.
♪♪
-A "Def Jam" comedy hour?
-Did they have any white people on "Def"?
-I don't remember none. -I don't remember none.
There was a couple, but I don't remember you being one.
This is like early on?
-Who was on the bill with you?
-Uh, that dude that says -- -Hopefully Bernie Mac.
-No, the guy that says "hamburger." You know the guy?
-[ Laughs ] He might have done it.
I mean, "hamburger," yeah.
-You know ham-- Alonzo...
-Yeah, haaaaamburger. -Haaaaamburger.
Hamburger was there. -Like, he would just
tell a long story and nobody laughs,
and he goes, "Hamburger."
Aaaaaaah! -Then everybody laughs?
-Hamburger was there. Kid Capri was there.
-Okay, Kid Capri. Was Russell there?
-Russell was not there. -Russell was not at a "Def Jam"?
-I don't believe that. No, no, no.
-Aw, this sounds shady.
This sounds shady. Okay.
-Did you show up when, like, Shaq --
[ Buzzer ]
-How did you do?
-I did well. -Hmm.
I -- Look, man... -Ugh!
-...I'm gonna be real with you.
[ Laughter ]
I like you, Jimmy, but Jeffery Smollen,
that don't sound like a real name to me.
I'm calling it a lie.
-Yeah, I call a bluff, too.
-It is true.
-What?!
[ Audience "Oh"s ]
♪♪
-Never told...
It was a "Def Jam" -- -Pull up the table.
-It was a "Def Jam" tour.
It was a "Def Jam" tour, and it was to enter the contest --
If you won this contest, you can get in and perform
on the bill that night in Albany, New York.
And I was 18.
So, you had to be 21 to enter the contest,
so I used a fake I.D., and then I ended up winning the contest.
I'm like -- -With a name like
Jeffery Smollen, was it a black guy?
-No, I wasn't a black -- But, yeah.
Jeffery Smollen performed at the show.
Introduced as Jeffery Smollen.
-I still don't believe you. -Yeah.
-He got this show rigged, y'all. It's the "Fallon" show.
-Come on! No!
Alright. -Chadwick, it's your turn.
-Mm. -Okay.
You grabbed for that one.
-No, I didn't grab for anything.
-Mm-hmm. -Oh, interesting.
-You look shady, brother.
-Yeah. Already, you're shady, man.
I don't believe it already. -Mm.
-No, I do. Just kidding. No, I don't.
No, I do. -I don't.
-Number two? What do you think?
-He's sweating in the beard a little bit.
I think the boy lying.
-Yeah, your beard is glistening a little bit.
-Number two? -Number two.
-Number two. -Here we go, here we go.
-I once went on a date
with a Colombian model and her twin sister.
[ Audience murmurs ]
♪♪
-And did, like, it both -- the Doublemint twins.
Was it rock?
-Is that a question?
[ Laughter ]
-Did you go -- See -- Did you -- -I just got so excited.
Like, two Colombian sisters that look alike?
-What years was it? -This is a dope date.
-This was...2011.
-Was it in Colombia?
-No.
-Where were you?
-I was in -- -Answer him!
-I was in -- I was in Mexico.
-Was both of them fine, or was one of them like, ugh?
[ Laughter ]
-They were identical. They were identical.
-But one's a model, an identical twin, model twin.
You went on a date with two identical Colombian models.
[ Buzzer ]
-And what city did he say he was in?
-He was in Mexico. -I was in Mexico.
I didn't say city. I didn't say the city.
-I think the boy lying.
I'm sorry. I -- Look...
-It is true.
-I say true! I say --
-You said true? -I did now.
-Can't do it! -I did it now.
-Unh! -I did it now.
I could see it happen.
I think I believe that could happen.
A lot of stuff. We got a lot of stuff --
-I should've said it was you. You are Black Panther.
-I was going... [ Laughter ]
-Two of my sisters want to date you -- at least two of them.
-I wanted to go on a date with the model.
I didn't know she had a twin sister.
Her English wasn't as good.
My Spanish wasn't as good, so she said,
"Let me bring my sister."
She shows up, it looks just like her.
But her sister is a doctor,
so I'm talking through her for half the night.
-That's when you pick up your phone and you call Marlon.
-Call your boy. [ Laughter ]
-Our thanks to Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans.