Do you ever wish you could just kind of take a narcissist down a peg, kind of
disarm them and say or do something that would just stop them in their tracks?
Well,
that's exactly what we're talking about today at QueenBeeing.com, exactly what you can say and do with the narcissist to
disarm them,to shut them down in the heat of the moment.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Aoberg and
CPTSDfoundation.org)
I am Angie Atkinson and this is toxic relationship rehab,where I help you discover,understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships,
so if you want to take back your life,take back your power and evolve to become the best possible version of yourself,
hit that subscribe button,stick with me and let's get going.
We all know that we can't change a narcissist, but what some of us might not know is that we can
affect the way they affect us,we can protect ourselves from the inevitable havoc they wreck on our lives.
One of the biggest problems that we have as survivors of narcissistic abuse and people who have been involved with
narcissists is that we have a huge well of hope in our lives, well at least during the relationship.
We hope the narcissist will get better,we hope that we can help them,
we hope that they will change, but I've never seen it happen
and if your narcissistic person is willing to get into therapy and do all the work,
maybe it could've happened, but again never seen it happen, even when you leave a narcissistic relationship,
the after-effects can stay with you for years and that's especially true when you're
co-parenting or dealing with a narcissist in business or some other way that you can't go no contact with them for whatever reason,but if
you're going to figure out how exactly to disarm a narcissist,to neutralize them,to stop them from
constantly manipulating and abusing you, the first thing you have to be is super prepared and you have to be
pre-loaded, let's say you have to know ahead of time exactly what you're gonna say and what you're gonna do when these things come up.
So let's talk about it. The first thing you want to do is use the grey rock method,we've talked about it just recently.
That just means to disengage with the narcissist,
don't let them affect you emotionally in any way, even though that's gonna be a little difficult, with practice we can get there.
Remember that you can only control yourself and act from that perspective, don't pretend to believe in narcissist lies,
don't take the bait, when they try to engage you in an argument or any other sort of drama, just
don't engage with them,
the next thing you want to do is make sure you set boundaries and when the narcissist inevitably steps on them,
make sure you're prepared to stand firmly behind them, immediately warn the narcissist the moment that they step over that boundary,
explain to them exactly what you're going to do if they continue to cross it,
but if you're going to enact any sort of consequence or
denial of attention you must be willing to do so,
you can't threaten the narcissist and not follow through because immediately they will know that that's your mo.
It's okay if you've done that in the past, it's pretty common,
don't beat yourself up for it, but it's time to make a change now.
So from today on, if you say you're going to do something then do it,
even when it feels uncomfortable.
The next thing you need to do is stop apologizing to the narcissist for things you didn't do and I know it kind of becomes
automatic,
you know
they scream and yell at you for no reason and before you even hear what they said half the time you're going down,
I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry,I'm sorry.
You don't have to do that anymore, stop apologizing unless you mean it, because what a narcissist hears when you apologize, is oh,
yep, I was right all along. Yep, you were wrong, thanks for acknowledging that,
even when half the time they don't accept your apology anyway.
Apologizing to a narcissist in order to get them to back down or to
reason with them - a waste of your energy, and your time,
don't bother, it will backfire.
The next thing you have to do is accept who they are,accept the narcissist limitations,
so whenever you have to deal with them, understand what they cannot do,that is they cannot be real or empathetic or
offer any concern for your actual well-being or anything like that,
know what it is that you have to deal with when you're dealing with them, whatever your outcome needs to be
don't let them convince you
otherwise, if you need something, you need them to sign a paper or you need them to take your kid to the doctor or whatever
it is, go in and
understand that's what you're going in for and explain it to them go into the conversation knowing that's what you need to do,
that's the goal that you have to accomplish, don't let them make excuses,
don't fall into your old habits of
kind of
coddling them or bending beyond your comfort level just to reach a compromise or to get where you're trying to go, because if you do
that it will just keep going forever and ever. Since you're stuck dealing with this person for whatever
and yes, you do have to deal with their shortcomings, but no you don't have to let them cross your boundaries,
you don't have to do anything you don't want to do for that person unless you're legally required to do so.
Believe me, I know all of this is easier said than done, but
sometimes it helps to hear it and like I tell you all the time the final thing to remember here
is that no matter what, you definitely will not change the narcissist so just accept that that's the truth,
if by some miracle the narcissist manages to change and become a whole different person, call me,
let me know, I'm interested, but I've never seen it happen,
not for long
anyway.
I've definitely seen narcissists exhibit behavior changes temporarily in an effort to keep a supply around or
prevent one from leaving, but I've never seen any long-term, real, deep-seated change, there's a reason for that.
So let's talk about a few different phrases that you can use to actually neutralize a narcissist or shut a narcissist down.
Remember, you're gonna have to be strong here and willing to stand your ground,
but these phrases or some version of them will work or help
to neutralize the narcissist or stop them in their tracks during their attempts at manipulation. Number 1: I'm not sure about that
can you prove it or I don't believe you. If you make a point of questioning, what a narcissist is saying,
especially when you're pretty sure they're full of it,
they will learn quickly that you're not someone they can tell stories and lies to,
that will shut them down. If that doesn't work, ask for their source,
like I mentioned in a previous video.
Number 2: Remind the narcissist that they're not better than anyone else and no one's better than them.
It might slow them down a little bit.
the fact of the matter is narcissists don't like to believe that anyone is as good as them and
certainly not better, but it helps to kind of remind them that hey, you know, what even though
maybe you're more skilled than some people in certain areas or more attractive or whatever,
you're not better than anyone, the fact is that it's normal and it's acceptable for humans to be really good at some stuff and not
good at other stuff, that's how human nature works.
Everybody has their areas of genius, but reminding a narcissist of this doesn't usually go well,
but it certainly will kind of disarm them and surprise them,
especially if you've never said anything like that before.
Narcissists are always trying to make people think they're smarter or better or think more intelligently or in some way superior to other people.
Interestingly enough, I've actually had more than one narcissist say to me, well, I am better than other people.
That's kind of funny if you think about it and a little sad.
Number 3: I am not afraid of you. Telling a narcissist that you're not afraid of them will surprise them, slow them down and
neutralize them in many cases. See, narcissists are deeply insecure,
even though you can't usually see that on the outside and less you're dealing with a covert narcissist,
but what a narcissist wants is for you
to be as or more insecure as them, because then they can kind of control you a little better,
they can use your weaknesses against you in order to
keep you in check and they can talk about all the things that you're insecure about to make you feel bad about yourself and
inferior to them, but refusing to accept that,
refusing to accept those attacks and those
beat downs as it were, it'll show them that you're not scared,that you're not bothered by them,that they're not getting to you,
they don't know how to handle you if they can't intimidate you and that my friend is yet another way that you can
neutralize them and kind of stop them in their tracks,kind of shut them down.
Number 4: Don't change the subject.
Why would you tell the narcissist to not change the subject?
Well, because in many cases the first thing a narcissist does when they're found out when they're caught doing something
they're not supposed to do is they jump down your throat,
they deflect they might do this in a simple way,
like for example, maybe you come home and you say hey,
did you take all the rest of the money out of the bank account
and then they you know,
maybe admit it or not and then suddenly,
they're very concerned about why the trash hasn't been taking it out in two days and they're freaking out, because that's your job and you
should have taken out the trash and what's wrong with you anyway,
eventually you end up apologizing to them and you find yourself wishing you didn't even ask about the bank account money.
Well, now is the time to stop that. If you want to shut down the narcissist, refuse to change this subject.
So for example, if you're asking about the money, where did... you know,
why did you take all the money out of the bank account?
What did you do with the money? Then when they start the trash thing, you say no, don't change the subject here,
why did you take the money and refuse to let go. That will disarm them and shut them down very quickly.
They might walk away from you and if you ask me, that's not such a bad thing, but be prepared.
Number 5: You can say the magic word to neutralise a narcissist and that is "nope" or "no", "nuh-uh",
"no way", "can't do it", "not gonna work for me", "not gonna do it"
"no", "can't happen", "not gonna hear it", "not gonna see it", whatever.
You already know that the narcissist always wants you to say yes to them for everything,
the narcissist never wants to hear the word no, they always want you to say yes, yes. I will accept your psychological abuse.
Yes, I will put up with all the crap you throw in my way.
Sure, I don't mind at all if you act like an entitled jerk for the rest of my life, by all means.
They also want you to think exactly like they think, see because on some level
having you think what they think and agree with everything they ask you for
well, that's another way they control you,that makes them think they have power over you and everybody else,
but when you say no to a narcissist, it completely
neutralizes them. If you refuse to agree with them,
you kind of pull yourself back from their thoughts and ideas and I don't know, develop some of your own.
Well, it not only takes away from
the image in the narcissist mind that they have of us or the box they've drawn for us,
we kind of step outside that box,
but it will cause them to get very angry and that's of course because they actually believe in that moment that you are ignorant and
you can't possibly see reality for what it is, the only problem there of course is that reality for a narcissist is,
well,
it's a lot different than it is for everyone else. Narcissist kind of living their own little fantasy world.
Bottom line, a narcissist wants to get away with anything
they can, they want to control you and manipulate you at all cost. If they know they're wrong,
they're going to try to change the subject, they're going to try to flip things around and make it your fault.
They don't want to let you know that you're right, ever.
Narcissists are very skilled manipulators and they aren't worth your energy or your time,
but I know we can't always just walk right away. In the meantime, try the tips
I gave you today, train yourself to recognize when a narcissist is
just playing games with you, manipulating you or trying to confuse you, stay focused on what matters, stay focused on what you can control.
Remember that you deserve so much better than this,
don't let the narcissist manipulate you. When the narcissist begins to recognize that, they can't manipulate you anymore,
they will start to lose interest in you over time, maybe fast, be prepared for that, know what's going to come next.
Neutralizing a narcissist is not easy, it requires a lot of
discomfort at first and it requires you to be really,really strong,
but if you take the time and the focus to learn how to do it, they will no longer be able to manipulate you.
Narcissists don't love themselves, and they don't love you and
they will do whatever they can to sort of take you down with them in their own little fiery, 80 double hockey sticks,
don't give the narcissist the pleasure of
willingly stepping into that trap anymore.
Remember, you're important,you matter,your thoughts,your feelings,your beliefs,
your ideas are real and valid and worth having,you are worth loving,
don't allow a narcissist to convince you otherwise, please don't forget.
Alright, now this brings me to the question of the day.
The question of the day is have you ever successfully neutralized a narcissist and how did you do it?
What are your best tips to shut down a narcissist or disarm a narcissist?
What phrases,what ideas,what behaviors work best for you?
And which ones would you advise to avoid against?
Share your thoughts,share your ideas,share your experiences in the comment section below and let's talk about it.
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you helped me by doing that because you helped me to spread the message just a little bit further to
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it means the world to me, as I always tell you it is literally my mission in life to do what I'm doing here and
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And as always, thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey,
thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really doesn't mean a lot to me. I'll see you soon.