-I don't think people fully appreciate
how many jokes you generate... -Yes.
...to then have the jokes you do for the Globes.
You have some that you chose not to do
that you're gonna -- you would like to read now.
-Yes, I mean, only because there's so little time to --
and you've got to choose wisely and...
-Yeah, you don't get a lot of time.
-But there were a lot of jokes we really loved
that we didn't get to cover.
And I thought, if it was okay with everyone here,
we might -- I would just bang through a bunch
that we didn't get to do.
-Yeah, all right, great. -Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
So -- So, just imagine that I'm onstage at the Globes.
[ Light laughter ]
Around 1,300 people attended the Golden Globes this year...
and only one will leave.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. -Yeah.
"Crazy Rich Asians" is up for two awards,
and "Crazy Rich White People"
are up for the remaining 200.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
Should have done it. -Yeah.
-The International Ballroom where the Golden Globes are held
are divided into three tiers of seating --
libtards, snowflakes, and cucks.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
We wanted Sandra to say that one.
[ Light laughter ]
Would have been so dope. All right.
"Roma" was nominated for best director and best foreign film.
Guys, do yourself a favor --
go out and watch this one on the biggest phone you can find.
[ Laughter ]
It's on Netflix.
[ Laughter ]
"Roma" is such an emotional experience, when it was over,
I literally sat there and cried for a full five seconds
before Netflix started blasting a new movie
where Kurt Russell plays Santa Claus.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I got it. I dig that. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
"Green Book" nominated,
which is, of course, a poignant biopic
about Dr. Seuss struggling to finish the title
of "Green Eggs and Ham."
[ Laughter ]
-It was originally just called "Green Book."
-Yeah, it was just "Green Book,"
and he was like, "How do I crack this?"
[ Light laughter ]
"BlacKkKlansman" was nominated, and judging by
the upper- and lower-case lettering in the title,
it is also a Wi-Fi password.
[ Laughter ]
That's a John Mulaney joke. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
-He wrote it!
[ Laughter ]
-As you do. -As one does.
-[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Love him.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
The best.
Spike Lee's third time being nominated for a Globe,
and I got to say,
it's disappointing to see so few Knicks here supporting him.
[ Light laughter ]
-That's my favorite one. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-He goes to a lot of Knicks games.
[ Laughter ] -Whoo!
-By the way, you would have done that in L.A.
This is actually in New York, and that [bleep] tanked.
[ Laughter ] -I'm so glad we didn't do it.
-Yeah.
-To the time machine!
[ Laughter ]
-All right.
[ Laughter ]
-"The Good Place" is nominated.
It's a philosophical afterlife comedy
that asks complicated questions,
like, can Ted Danson still get it?
[ Laughter ]
Not that complicated -- the answer is yes.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
Julia Roberts' Amazon show "Homecoming"
was adapted from a podcast...
would be a good sentence to confuse someone
who just woke up from a coma.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-Whoo!
-Again, we had very little time. [ Laughter ]
"The Americans" is nominated tonight
for Best Drama, Lead Actor, Lead Actress,
and Most People Getting Boned
in Front of Portraits of Ronald Reagan.
[ Laughter ]
"Pose" is nominated for best television series
from creator Ryan Murphy.
So, if you love drama and you love Ryan Murphy shows,
you have 37 different options.
[ Laughter ]
This Rachel Brosnahan -- it's her second time being nominated
for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy
for her role in "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
Unfortunately, not nominated this year
is "Mrs. Maisel's" other lead actor, brisket.
[ Laughter ]
-There's a lot there.
They make... -They talk --
-They are often making a brisket on the show.
-And I can't front.
It makes me want brisket. [ Light laughter ]
It looks good.
They take time with the brisket on that show...
-They do. -...and it hits close to home.
-Their prop master makes that good brisket.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-All right. There's more.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoo!
[ Chuckling ] There are so many more.
[ Laughter ]
The -- The writers did a bang-up job, is my point.
-They did a bang-up job, yeah. -All right.
Netflix beat out Amazon tonight
as the most nominated streaming service,
while the best streaming scene
was Bradley Cooper wetting himself in "A Star is Born."
[ Laughter ] Seth wrote that one.
-Did I? -Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Sent it to me, like five minutes before the show.
I was like, "What?!"
If Beale Street could talk, I think it would say,
"Ouch, stop driving on me!"
Seriously, we agreed to host this
super last minute, you guys.
[ Laughter ] That was the full joke.
Okay, and this one was a back-and-forth
with me and Sandra. -Okay, yeah.
So, will you read her parts?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay.
-The all-female franchise reboot trend
continued this year with the movie "Ocean's 8,"
and there are many more on the way.
-Hey, you know what they should do --
a female reboot of "Magic Mike," but with all ladies.
You know, now, that I would watch.
[ Light laughter ] -Jesus Christ!
-Hey! The line starts right here, Seth!
Thank you. This has been my audition for "Green Book."
-Oh, that was really good. -Yeah, thank you.
-That was really good. That was --
Those were excellent.
-There's one more. -Great.
[ Laughter ]
-Don't cut any of these when you air this episode.
-Well, here's how you'll know if we cut any.
This one on the card says number 18.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, if there are less than 18,
that means there were ones worse than the worst one you saw.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, my God.
Please cut it down to one joke now.
-Yeah, right.
-All right, last one --
There were some amazing performances
by fine young actors this year --
Lucas Hedges in "Boy Erased" and "Ben Is Back"
and Timothée Chalamet in "Beautiful Boy."
And if you didn't have time to see them all, fear not,
'cause we conveniently smushed them together and made
"Boy Beautiful Ben Is Erased Back Boy."
[ Laughter ]
-Bravo! -There you are. Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ] -That's the way we do it.
-Of course.
This was -- Right?
-Thanks to our writers.
-They did a great job. -They did a great job.
-Sandra did a great job, as well.
-Yes. -And it was really cool
because you and Sandra were great together,
and you really only knew each other
from presenting together at the Emmys, right?
-Yeah. No prior relationship other than that one time.
-It was so much fun to watch you guys together.
It was very... -Thanks.
-...very fortunate that you guys found each other at the Emmys,
because they were lucky to have you.
-Well, that's nice.
-I have one last thing to talk to you about,
which I'm thrilled --
"Brooklyn Nine-Nine" is coming back,
and it's an NBC show now. -Coming back.
[ Cheers and applause ] -So exciting.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
It's the best! -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause continue ] Thanks, guys.
You know, you saved it -- The Guardians of the Nine-Nine
saved the show. -There were -- Yeah.
Me, Guillermo del Toro... -Yeah.
-...Lin-Manuel, Mark Hamill... Yeah.
Astin. -...Sean Astin.
We all started tweeting, and then that's --
that's five -- that's just too much power to be ignored.
-Too much star power to not make a show keep going.
-But it is really amazing, because I feel as though
people are often heartbreaking -- heartbroken
when shows get canceled,
and they say, "Oh, maybe another network will pick it up."
It happens so rarely. -Yeah.
-And you just must be so -- it must be so nice
for you guys to still be doing this for your fans.
-It's incredible. -Yeah.
-And with each other. We love each other so much.
You know, coming back after a near death of the show,
like, everyone appreciates it so much more,
where we're like, "Oh, man, we get to keep hanging out!"
-Yeah. -You know?