- What were you doing that enabled you
to hold those boundaries?
- Interesting.
Self care.
- Ah. - Ah.
Yeah, and it was sort of that. - Full circle.
- Right?
- This was Hannah having a breakthrough moment.
As coaches, we must understand that language
our clients use to create their world
so we can better support their transformation.
Hi, this is Ajit Nawalkha, and today we are breaking down
a live coaching session with master coach, Alexi Panos.
Watch her use effective communication techniques and tools
to create impact and how you can apply them
with your coaching clients too.
- Yeah, so let's talk.
- Wait up, let me remind you first
that we release new videos like this every week.
You don't want to mess any of them,
so hit that subscribe button to get notified every time
a new one goes out.
Now, camera, lights, action.
As a coach, you want to understand how your client
is building their world through language.
Our client's language is the key.
They are clues we use to get into their world.
In this video, I'll be highlighting the different effective
communication techniques Alexi uses to coach Hannah.
This live recording coaching session is part
of Coaching Mastery, our perpetual training program,
where you can learn from master coaches, themselves,
how they create extraordinary results for their clients.
What's you're about to see is one
of the sessions inside that program.
- So, let's talk about what's most alive for you right now.
- I think for me,
there's a relationship in my life
that I feel I'm ready to let go of.
But, there's still something
that keeps me attached to it in some way.
So, even if I'm not speaking to that person,
I think emotionally I'm still very connected to it.
- Got it.
What do you think is the deepest connection and pull or draw
to that person?
- I think it's probably the idea of what could be
or could have been.
- The potential.
Okay, got it.
So, how long ago have you split?
- It's been very on, off, on, off.
- So, are we currently on or off?
- We are currently off and exercising our boundaries.
- Great and is that feeling for you?
- Good. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Are you feeling that there's
a particular need getting met under that?
- Yeah.
Self care. - Self care.
Beautiful. - Integrity.
- Great.
So, you're feeling slightly out of integrity
by being on with him. - Yes.
- Got it.
So, what feels out of integrity
when you're with him and in his space?
- Not caring for myself and not allowing myself
to be treated the way that I know on paper
or in theory that I deserve to be treated.
- So, tell me more about that.
- I think for me.
I think about it like if I were a friend of mine looking
at the situation from the outside,
I would think why on earth am I allowing myself
to be treated that way?
When I'm in the situation, there is something,
I guess deep within me that allows it to happen.
And my standards for myself while in the interactions
and in the relationship, they're incredibly low.
Although I know, in theory, my worth.
I know in theory how much I have to give
and how well-intentioned I am.
But execution can sometimes fall apart for me.
- It can be challenging for a lot of people, for sure.
You're not alone in that.
But, let's talk about the payoff
because we only ever do things
because there's a payoff, it feels good,
there's a need getting met.
So, when you're with him,
even though you have all these shoulds
about how it should be,
and you know that something's slightly out of integrity.
What need is being met when you're with him?
- I would say validation maybe, safety.
- Communication is the key to successful coaching.
Alexi starts her coaching conversation using
the non- violent communication approach.
This has four steps.
Observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Observation is about the facts.
What we can see, hear, or touch.
Feelings are the emotions or sensations
that emerge for our clients.
Needs here addresses the universal human needs
each one of us have.
What needs are our clients having
that are either not being met
or being met in a way that's not serving them.
Keep in mind, all feelings stem from unmet needs.
Requests are the specific actions they need to ask for
to address their needs.
This is not a demand.
It's a request.
As you can see from the clip,
this approach allows her to go straight
into the heart of the issue within the first three minutes
of the coaching conversation.
Notice the kind of questions she uses.
What's most alive for you right now.
What about the situation makes you feel this way?
Tell me more about that.
What need is being met?
What's the pay out?
Some tools she covers here are asking clarifying
and open-ended questions, listening deeply,
and cultivating curiosity.
Through these, you can get an understanding
of your client's world and work
with them to find solutions and insights for them.
Now, this next clip is one of my favorite parts
where Hannah has a huge aha moment.
It's a longer clip, but bear with me, it'll be worth it.
- Self-connection I heard you say.
Self-reflection, tapping into your feelings.
Can you dedicate that hour, or even a half hour,
to a practice that has you doing that?
- Definitely. - Okay.
Do you have a current practice that helps you connect?
- I flirt with many different practices
and I think I'm the kind of person,
I almost look to people like yourself
or others who are really advanced in this
and say tell me what to do.
- Yeah. - You know?
I almost feel like I need a prescription
to know how to move forward in that
because it is quite unfamiliar territory to me
or I haven't done anything consistently.
I do a lot, but again, it's like going to the gym.
Do I stick to it?
No, maybe I find something else I find interesting.
And then something else,
but it's kind of flailing in a way to meet a need.
- Can I reflect something back to you?
- [Client] Yeah.
- So, I'm noticing a pattern that's showing up with that
where you're saying I'm looking
to others to essentially tell me what to do.
- Yeah. - Same pattern
that's showing up with this guy.
You're looking to him to fill the hole.
Say, I don't know what to do.
Can you do it for me?
It's unconscious, but it's happening at the body level.
Right?
You're going just fill it, please.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I feel like I'm flailing.
I feel like I can't do it, but I feel like you can.
So this pattern of looking externally,
'cause it's my belief, personally,
that you have everything you need, everything.
You have all the information you need.
You have all the insight you need.
You have all the access you need, you have all the tools.
We just have to kind of peel back all the programming
that has kept us blind to ourselves and our magnificence.
And I feel like that is a huge piece of this
is you actually going, you know what, let me tune in here.
Let me check in here first and foremost,
even before your car ride
where you're taking in amazing content.
Have your own foundation first.
So, what do you think your practice could be in that?
- I really like setting intentions for the day.
- [Alexi] And that's great.
- There's a course I'm doing right now
and it's starting with the philosophy
of how I occur for myself.
How I occur for other people.
How the world occurs for me. - Yes.
- I really, I really enjoy that.
- And how often are you doing that practice?
- I try and do it most mornings.
- [Alexi] Great.
- But, when I really think about it,
what do I need?
That's the question for me? - That is the question.
- What do I need?
And you're right.
In a way I have a habit of saying, tell me what I need.
You tell me, he can tell me, my boss can tell me.
- Make it easy for me. - Totally.
- 'Cause I'm very busy. - Right.
- Same reason why you don't check the voicemails.
- Yeah. - Very busy.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- So, when you say to me, well, what do you need to do?
What do you need?
I'm like, tell me.
- So what could the practice be?
- That's the question.
- Don't make this more difficult.
The answer's right there.
The question is what do I need?
What's the practice?
- Well, what came into my head
was the idea of asking myself, what do I need today?
- That.
That's it.
- Right. - That's it?
'Cause every day the answer is going to be different.
Every moment. - How am I
going to serve myself today?
Ooh, I've never thought about serving myself.
- I love that.
- [Client] I'm always about serving other people.
- Yeah.
- So, that came up. - Yeah.
And I think that is where you start.
Because it's, again, about getting into
a relationship with yourself.
Sometimes the answer, what do I need to serve myself
is going to be around your self care.
- Wow, so many golden nuggets here.
Let's start talking about the effective communication tools
Alexi uses repeatedly.
It's alright.
I feel like you can.
You have everything you need.
It's my belief.
These are some examples of how she applies
the seven principles of effective communication:
assertiveness, authenticity, open-mindedness, compassion,
curiosity, clarity, and listening.
These principle help create a safe space
for clients to express themselves freely
and build rapport with you at the same time.
Effective communication is largely based on trust.
So, being extra conscious about your language choices
and tools can go a long way.
Another technique I want to highlight from this clip
is assertive reflection.
Assertive reflection is communicating back what your client
is saying with clarity and confidence.
Some phrases you can use are,
can I reflect something back to you?
I'm noticing a pattern.
What I'm hearing you say is.
Have you ever considered?
This technique is useful to repeat
what your client is saying using assertive words
that make your client more self aware
and less self conscious.
It also helps frame your views in open
and honest communication without offending your client.
Then Alexi asks her client to explore options
and ideas of practices she can nurture in her daily life.
This technique is called action initiation.
Once goals and intentions are set,
your client will need to take action to get to those goals.
Simple yet powerful questions
to open up this conversation could be,
what practices can you do to reinforce this action?
What do you think your practice could be in that?
What do you need in order to solve this situation?
Asking your client to create their own game plan increases
their commitment to it, and thus,
their follow through.
There is one more thing I want to highlight from this clip
which is the power of words and being specific.
As a coach, shining a light in specific words
your clients use can bring insights they hadn't seen before.
Are you loving this coaching session with Alexi
as much as I did?
Comment wow below if you are
and you're ready for more 'cause here it comes.
- I want to share something with you
that I think could be a powerful reflection.
There is something called the DISC method.
Are you familiar with it?
- I've heard of it.
- So, it's essentially a personality profile
and we've all got a profile
and we all have our first and our secondaries.
There's the dominant, the influencer,
the steady, and the conscientious.
You, in my opinion, are a steady dominant.
So, steady priority is relationships.
Priority is support.
Priority is acceptance and security.
So, you're getting your acceptance and your security met
by supporting this man through his process.
It's also why you're interested in being a coach, right?
Because you really love supporting people.
You love reaching out and feeling the security
of like, I can help, right?
- [Client] Yeah.
- Your dominant shows up in your work
where you're results oriented, you get it done,
you move quick, you're too busy
for all the connection things and all that stuff.
But, you're steady is why you keep coming back.
So, the question is what are the relationships in your life?
So, feel the acceptance and security
that you're getting from him.
- Alexi uses the D-I-S-C method, our disc method,
to identify her client's personality profile.
Method like the D-I-S-C, or DISC,
help you understand how to speak to each of the profiles
so you can customize your approach
and language to their style.
It also allows them to understand who they are better
and thus create leverage for themselves to make changes.
Last, but not the least, we have the summarizing
and paraphrasing technique.
Let's see how Alexa uses it in her session.
- Every day, between the hours of 8:00 and 8:30
and then will you take action on that answer?
- Yeah. - Okay, great.
- Yeah.
- How do you feel about scheduling those into your phone
after you've checked in? - Great, that's what I need.
- Okay, great. - That's definitely
how it has to be. - Perfect, okay.
And who are you reaching out to for support?
- My friend, Jody.
- What are your two requests from her?
- My two requests for her to check in
as to whether I'm being consistent
with asking that question. - Yep.
- But also, to hold me accountable in terms of walking away,
permanently, from the relationship that isn't serving me.
- Yep, exactly.
And here's what I would love to do
because again, you're a steady,
so you're relationship focused,
you're support focused,
and you get approval from these relationships.
So, the temptation for you to go back is strong.
- Yeah. - Right?
- Right. - That's what's shown up
in the past.
So, instead of pretending like that's not there,
let's acknowledge that and let's face off with that.
So, I want to give you a 60 day check-in.
You're going to stay to this self practice.
You're going to be in your self care.
You're going to check in every single day.
You're going to be focused on you.
What do you need?
How can you fulfill those needs?
And then set a date literally in your calendar for 60 days
from now and check in with yourself, do a deep dive.
How am I feeling about him?
How am I feeling about myself?
How am I feeling about how I feel with my self trust?
Do I feel like I'm fulfilling my commitments?
Do I feel like I'm honoring my self care?
- Ask your client to summarize their insights,
key takeaways, and set specific action steps.
Summarizing and paraphrasing can prompt further reflection
from your clients and help them see things differently.
They will feel more ownership and commitment too
as they embody their new mind shifts
and intentions to move forward.
My wish for you is that you continue learning
and practicing these techniques
to improve how you communicate with your clients
and level up your coaching skills.
My wish for you is that you create your world with powerful,
positive words and empower your clients to do the same.
Now, you know the six effective communication techniques
and how to use them with your clients
to create an even better result for them.
But wait, there's more,
Alexi breaks down each of these techniques
and other effective communication elements
in one of our highest rated programs, Coaching Mastery.
You can test drive it today for a very small fee.
Find the link in the description box below
to learn more by Coaching Mastery.
What is your favorite effective,
communication coaching technique?
Share it with us in the comments section below
so we can all learn from each other.
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