-Guys, this weekend is Daylight Savings Time
which means we all get to sleep in an extra hour on Sunday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
We all gain an hour and then lose that hour trying to
change the clock on the microwave.
Should I press Start? I already pressed Clock.
I pressed Clock!
And this is fun, Sunday is also the New York City Marathon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or as it's also known, the Super Bowl of chafing.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news here, in a new interview,
Gayle King said that she's still encouraging Oprah
to run for president in 2020.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When he heard that, Joe Biden was like,
[ Laughter ]
Get this, one of Hillary Clinton's advisors say
that it's more likely that she wins the Powerball
than runs for president again.
[ Audience "Aw"s ]
And Vladimir Putin said,
[Russian accent] Matter of fact, we control that too.
[ Laughter ]
We'll give it to North Carolina.
[ Normal voice ] Well, the midterms are on Tuesday,
and as of now, republicans are favored
to keep control of the Senate, while democrats are favored
to win the House, but today, President Trump said,
[As Trump] "I'd give it all up if I could have Kanye back."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Hey, I saw that this week at the White House
Trump gave a big speech about immigration.
I know.
Like when your drunk friend grabs the mic at a wedding
you don't know what he's gonna say,
you just know you'll be apologizing to everyone later
he'll go, "Ah, you really wanted to say something?"
[ Slurred ] "I slept with her."
[ Normal voice ] "All right, man, get out of here."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new poll, 40% of vo--
[ Horn blows ]
Oh, guys you know what that sounds means.
-What?
-It's time for "News Break Dance Break".
♪♪
The midterm elections are two days away.
♪♪
Trump's endorsing Canada, as he's got a lot to say.
♪♪
If you want to make a change, voting is quicker.
♪♪
Plus, you'll get an "I Voted" sticker.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God!
-Listen to this, KFC gave a family $11,000
for naming their baby girl after Colonel Sanders.
[ Murmurs ]
They say the money will really help the new baby,
along with her siblings, Long John Silver
[ Laughter ]
What a cute baby.
Cute baby.
That's right, KFC gave a family $11,000
for naming their baby girl after Colonel Sanders.
It's a crazy story, actually inspired me to
get out my guitar and write that baby a "Tonight Show Tiny Song".
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
♪ You're the Colonel Sanders' baby ♪
♪ Will you need therapy? Maybe ♪
♪ Now we know what your parent's price is ♪
♪ To name you for 11 herbs and spices ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the Colonel Sanders' baby ♪
♪ You're the Colonel Sanders' baby ♪
[ Thunderous cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
She wanted to take it. She wanted to take it.
-Yeah, man, you gotta do it.
-Guys, the news is so crazy lately
it almost feels like someone blended
a bunch of stories together, so we thought,
"What if we took some real headlines
and blended them together, would the new stories
be any crazier than the actual news?" Let's find out.
If you blend the stories, "Star of RuPaul's Drag Race
On Broadway," "Mike Pence Warns About Losing Seats,"
and "Runners End Up Gaining Weight After Marathon,"
you get, "Mike Pence Gets Lost Running Marathon,
[ Laughter ]
I'd watch that. -Yeah.
-I would watch that. -Why not.
-Next up, if you blend the stories,
"Axl Rose Screams 'Get Out And Vote,'"
"Woman Claims She Has Sex With Ghosts,"
and, "Can't Believe It, Apple Unveils Bagel Emoji,"
you get, "Ghosted By Woman, Axl Rose Has Sex With Bagels,
[ Laughter ]
That's a little weirder.
Here is the last one. -Oh!
-If you blend the stories, "China Goes Nuts Over Trump's
Growing Tariffs," "Drunk Baggage Handler Falls Asleep In 737,"
and "Man Throws Extra iPhone Into Nuclear Power Plant,"
you get, "Donald Trump Falls Into Nuclear Power Plant,
[ Laughter ]
Wild story. -Wild.