in measurement you've probably heard the term and you may have even wondered
was my family of origin enmeshed or do am i enmeshed in my current relationship
right so today's video i'm going to go into the definition of enmeshment as it relates to
relationships in general and then specifically how it develops in families which is where we learn it
and i'd like to differentiate for you the difference between a close-knit family right
a healthy connected family and an enmeshed family we'll then talk about why it's such
a problem if a family is enmeshed and then also what you might need to work on
if you come from an enmeshed family and you are ready to start living a more authentic joyful life
so enmeshed relationships are ones in which the boundaries are very intertwined between the two
people or the larger group where boundaries are messy unclear people aren't really allowed
to individuate who's responsible for different things and what emotions each person is feeling
it's all blurred together now enmeshment exists on a spectrum right there are very very severely
enmeshed relationships and families and then there are relationships in families that are enmeshed
but just a little bit really sort of within the boundaries of what might be normal for the society
and our societies and cultures have different levels of enmeshment but remember as i alluded
to in the intro in measurement and closeness are not the same thing so let's take a moment
and look at the merriam-webster definition of in mesh so in mesh is to catch or entangle
so really thinking about that like catching and entangling that is not the same thing as
closeness right other synonyms for in mesh are to trap to tangle to snare so enmeshed
relationships are like a tangle like a web that you can't really get out of
some of you might be having a very visceral reaction to thinking of the word in that way
but that is sort of how it feels when we are in an overly enmeshed relationship or family so healthy
relationships can be seen as ones that navigate that space of togetherness and individuation
health for an individual could be seen as both self-actualization self-differentiation
and closeness and connection to others so those healthy dichotomies are not possible in an
enmeshed family the concept of family enmeshment was introduced by a family therapist named
salvador minuchin in the early 70s and his work has been developed and researched and built on by
others so an enmeshed family is one which exerts enormous control over family members to follow
the same belief systems share the same emotions share the same hopes and desires for the future
really loyalty to the family becomes the most important thing now often in an amish family
there is one or just a few people who really dominate the family and everybody else kind
of couch house to them tries to make them happy tries to follow what they want right so there's
one or just a few people who have enormous power and everyone else is supposed to toe the line
in enmeshed families the emotional boundaries are not clear who's responsible for different
emotions right is just not made clear and there are certain people in the family who take a lot of
responsibility for everybody's emotions and then there's usually other people in the family often
the ones with the power who take no responsibility for their own emotions but often when people grow
up in an enmeshed family they don't even know what their own emotions are and this is supported and
sustained by the family system now family system is a concept in family therapy but it's a good
one to begin to understand because systems have certain patterns that are really challenging to
change and those patterns get passed down from one generation to the next to the next so if you grew
up in an enmeshed family most likely your parents grew up in an enmeshed family and there and you
know beyond and beyond every generation since then in an enmeshed family the behaviors of each
individual are seen to reflect on the whole family and that's why the family can come down
on somebody who's not behaving properly or not exhibiting the values they want in the outer world
right like you represent me i am not separate from you if you aren't doing what i think is right
then i feel shame i feel anxious so hopefully with this description you're getting a sense of how all
the emotional boundaries are just that tangled web people can't peel themselves out right and then if
some people go into therapy and they begin to work on this and they begin to say hey i do want to
individuate i do want to express who i truly am in the world and they begin to set healthy boundaries
well they'll get a lot of pushback they'll get a lot of resistance they might be put down a very
common thing in an enmeshed family would be to make fun of the person setting healthy boundaries
or really be disrespectful to them for trying to set those boundaries tell them that they're
weird or get furious at them or all of the above so setting healthy boundaries within an enmeshed
family system can be extremely hard and even understanding what a healthy boundary is that is
really hard for people from enmeshed families that take significant work and self-help and possibly
therapy so while i'm talking about boundaries i want to interrupt this just very short and let
you know that i do have a free quiz your boundary personality type and this quiz actually kind of
highlights the positive side of your personality that might be causing problems with your boundary
setting and under that positive self-concept or positive belief there might actually be a negative
core belief that again is interrupting your ability to set healthy boundaries and have healthy
relationships and i'm going to talk a little bit about this concept at the end of this video
how a negative core belief can underlie boundary difficulties and how negative core beliefs can
come from an enmesh family but anyway the quiz it's a short quiz i believe it will give you some
good insight i'll put the url right here and then the link is also in the notes to this video
all right well back to the topic but basically in an enmeshed family system people can be punished
and excluded for being individuals for having autonomy for expressing who they are you know as
individuals on this planet so having said this hopefully the difference between enmeshment and
closeness is making sense to you because sometimes people will feel like well i want a close family
i want people who care about me and ask me lots of questions about what's going on with me right so
the difference there's a number of differences in a close-knit family there may be a fair amount of
cohesion cohesion meaning we share the same values we share the same approaches to the world perhaps
the same religion or politics or we have similar personality traits right so there can be a lot
of cohesion in families that can be healthy and healthy families with cohesion are seen to really
be tied to the individual mental health of each member so that can be a good thing in a close-knit
family people can be individuals they can have different interests right they can have different
personality quirks they can move to places in the world that they need to move to to fulfill their
mission in life or to follow a loved one that doesn't mean people won't be sad and upset but
they won't be manipulated and made to feel guilty for really going for something that's going to
improve their own life in a close-knit family people can share what they're going
through emotionally and receive support which is a wonderful thing in an enmeshed family people might
feel like they can share what they're going through but if it doesn't fall in line with
those people who are in power the information they share could be used against them they could be
put down for that information they could be told they're wrong no you really don't feel that way
somehow the inner world of the individual can be a threat to the entire system that's what
an enmeshed family will look like so what are the problems that come from an enmeshed family
there's a number of them one that i've alluded to already is that the enmeshment pattern can
get passed down from generation to generation so what does this mean this means that somebody who
perhaps took on the caretaker role in an enmeshed family might grow up and marry an abuser or marry
somebody who wants to dominate the world the way that the family member dominated the caretaker's
role when they were little right so it can cause people to repeat unhealthy boundaries enmeashment
can also make people feel really lonely because they are never comfortable letting people know
who they really are to let your true self shine in enmeshed family means to be abused basically to be
corrected to be told you're not okay to feel a lot of shame shame and guilt are predominant emotions
of many people who come from enmeshed families and another problem that comes out of enmeshed
families is that people can't emotionally regulate emotional regulation is a key sign of health
emotional health mental health being able to calm yourself down when you're anxious or lift yourself
up when you're feeling low regulating your own emotions not getting overly angry right all of
that is within the realm of emotional regulation and if you grow up in an enmeshed family and you
don't even know what your emotions are versus somebody else's emotions whose emotions are you
feeling how are you going to be able to regulate them and you're taught to basically regulate your
emotions by picking up on what the main people in the family are feeling or the overall family
you have to join in with everybody else or you may even just simply do it automatically
so emotional regulation is extremely difficult i think i'm on about the fifth reason that
enmeshed families are problematic but they have been linked to abuse right if a family
system is so strong and it is dominated by a certain power balance it can facilitate
abuse within a family and this could be many different types of abuse but there is a link
there the sixth reason that enmesh families are a problem is that you're not allowed to
individuate you can't achieve what you want to achieve you can't express your individuality
right that's really at the core and this actually leads to something called cut off so in
measurement and cut off are the two sides of the same coin an enmeshed family does not always have
all the family members close usually there's like uncle joe we haven't talked about or talked to
in seven years or you know aunt susie nobody in the family can talk to her or there's a couple of
people in the family that if you talk to them then your main family will reject you or criticize you
so the individuation the lack of individuation forces people to actually totally leave the
family system and then get excluded from it so those kind of go together that it's both
hard for you as the individual to individuate and then also it causes all this cut off in
family systems another problem is that people do end up with really negative core beliefs about
themselves and the world and they may not feel that the world outside their family is safe even
though they kind of know on some level that the fam that the world inside their family isn't safe
but there really might be a feeling that the world out there is not safe for you so the
negative core belief could be around not feeling safe or really could be around i'm bad because
any opinion that i have like i know i have these opinions but if i say them then i'm bad within the
family system so it can lead to some pretty deep negative core beliefs and then lastly obviously
lack of healthy boundaries that can follow you through life so okay what do you do about it this
will be a process this will be a journey you might already be you know three quarters the way through
your journey or half of the way or you might be at the very beginning but this will take time
it will take support probably from other people any work you can do to allow yourself to really
get in touch with who you are what you want what makes you happy what makes you shine let yourself
explore those things you don't have to share with your family system that you're exploring
these right you can do this exploration on your own strengthening your self-concept might require
working with a therapist or a coach some people can do a fair amount of this work with self-help
but a lot of people really do need assistance and then of course learning to figure out
what are healthy boundaries and what's a healthy relationship look like and if you feel like you'd
like some more assistance on this for me if this approach the approach that i have is resonating
for you i have developed a course which really is about boundaries for people from enmeshed families
if you grew up enmeshed or parentified if you tend to be a caretaker in most of your relationships
and if you struggle with boundaries in all sorts of ways this course is for you so the link for the
course i'll post it here on the screen there's information on it below and then as i mentioned
earlier i do have a quiz on what's your boundary personality type and this quiz actually identifies
what the negative core belief is underneath the difficulty you have setting boundaries so i'm
really hoping that these resources can be helpful for you and help you move forward bringing your
unique individual beautiful gifts to the world all right see you next week