You're really in need of a nice vacation, but travel today can be so expensive, so you
opt for the next best thing.
You read about this company, Union Aerospace... something, and they've got openings for security
on some super secure research lab they've got set up on Mars.
Well, looks like someone's beat Elon to the punch after all.
Your interview with the UAC recruiter goes pretty smoothly, does he does seem to ask
the same question multiple times: have you ever had any exposure to paranormal evil,
possibly hellish, entities.
You think back to your failed vacation in Romania where you had to fight off Valuk the
evil nun, and your camping trip in the US where you had to set an entire state on fire
just to defeat the Blair Witch, and lastly to your outing in Japan where the angry ghost
of one of your dead girlfriends tried to strangle you with her hair, and you very quickly shake
your head- no, sir, no evil or hellish experiences in your life.
Hey, you need the job and what they don't know surely can't hurt them.
Next thing you know you're on your way to Mars, and immediately upon arriving you get
sent to find some egghead doctor who's gone missing.
You find the wayward scientist lurking in one of the old communications labs, ranting
and raving about having to send a message before it's too late or something like that.
You don't get a chance to make out what nonsense he's babbling on about though because suddenly
the light goes out, and a weird red pulse of light seems to sweep over the base.
You shut your eyes and you swear you can see... well, evil things dancing before you, even
with your eyes closed!
You snap them open again and realize in horror that the good doctor you were sent to find
is now a flesh-eating zombie, and you're about to be dinner!
You fumble for your weapon but in your panic you can't quite bring it to bear, when suddenly
the door behind the zombie opens up and you hear a loud roar before the dead doctor's
head explodes like an overripe melon, covering you in hot, sticky gore.
You look up and spot him, standing there holding a double-barreled shotgun- it's the Doomguy,
the Doom Marine, the Doomslayer, whatever you want to call him, it's the man, the hero,
the legend.
And as he raises his shotgun at you you realize too late that covered in gore like you are,
you look exactly like one of the walking dead he's been busy exterminating.
So how in the world are you going to fight and defeat the Doomguy?
The Doomguy, or Doomslayer, has possibly one of the most confusing backstories you've ever
heard of, and to this day his exact identity- or origins- are pretty well unknown.
With some clever sleuthing though, we think we can piece his identity together for you.
Also it helps that we played literally every doom game ever made, including the original
when it came out in the 90s.
So buckle up because it's time to learn about how hell got its ass kicked multiple times
over the last thirty years.
Doomguy got his start as a regular marine, stationed on earth and sent to Mars as a punishment
after striking his officer and refusing to follow an order to shoot civilians.
In our world that's pretty much what soldiers are expected to do when given unlawful orders,
but in doom guy's world, well, let's just say things work a bit differently.
In Mars, UAC scientists discovered the remnants of an ancient Martian civilization which suddenly
went extinct.
Further excavation revealed that the Martians had developed teleportation technology, but
that the teleportation process actually crossed through the realm of Hell itself for brief
moments before depositing its traveler or cargo at its destination.
With some refinements, a portal directly to Hell could be opened, and this led to Doomguy
being caught in the first demon invasion.
To save humanity, Doomguy had to enter Hell and destroy the mastermind of the invasion,
blowing the giant brains of the Spider Mastermind to tiny pieces.
Doomguy then took a portal back to earth, but because time works differently in hell
than in our dimension, he arrived weeks after a full-blown demon invasion of earth had already
occurred.
Doomguy fought to a nearby starport so he could deactivate the force field keeping humanity's
last survivors, which had been packed into space ships, on the ground.
As the ships left to colonize planets elsewhere, their sensors discovered the source of the
invasion, and Doomguy once more headed into the heart of hell to stop the invasion.
Destroying the giant Icon of Sin, Doomguy returned to earth and helped rebuild our planet.
Demons though are like bad mold, if you don't eradicate all of them, they'll just keep coming
back.
Military ships detected demon activity on Mars's moons of Phobos and Deimos, and bombarded
the former military and UAC facilities with radiation to kill the demons off.
Something survived however, and began resurrected the demon horde in preparation for a new invasion
of earth.
Doomguy once more was called up to service and lead a squad to destroy the new demon
threat- only this time, he entered a portal into hell and decided to seal it up from the
inside, ensuring the demons could never leave again.
Trapped in hell, doomguy decided that he would spend eternity working on his favorite hobby-
killing demons in brutally awesome ways.
And since if you glory kill a demon it spills out health and ammo, Doomguy could basically
keep killing for eternity.
Deep in the bowels of hell though, Doomguy came across survivors from an ancient world
overrun by the demons long ago.
These alien warriors were known as the Night Sentinels, and they helped craft Doomguy's
legendary Praetor Suit, incorporating pieces of his existing body armor.
Time and reality flows differently in Hell, and thus while mere years passed in our reality,
thousands of years passed in Hell.
All this time, Doomguy kept up his crusade against hell, basically ensuring that the
demons would be too busy dying from shotgun blasts to the face to plan another invasion
of earth.
After the demon's mightiest warrior- the Titan- was defeated by Doomguy, the desperate forces
of hell plotted and eventually managed to trap Doomguy in a magical stone sarcophagus,
sealing him away forever.
Or at least until humans from an alternate earth opened a portal into hell and let the
demons loose again.
In an act of desperation, Doomguy was set loose, and despite having been dragged into
an alternate earth, this earth too was worth saving.
It was time once more for the demons to die.
So how in the world are you going to defeat an immortal soldier from an alternate dimension
who's spent countless eons battling the hordes of hell itself?
First, forget about weapons.
Doomguy's Praetor Suit is a huge upgrade from the old standard issue body armor he used
when he first went into hell.
His armor has been upgraded by the Night Sentinels, who before their planet was consumed by hell,
were extremely technologically advanced and could wield magic.
This technocracy allowed them to incorporate magical enhancements into materials, resulting
in the Praetor Suit, armor so tough it's pretty much invulnerable to earth-based weapons.
Sure, you could try and get your hands on some of the UAC's advanced weapons tech, and
let's face it, even the Praetor Suit isn't going to stand up for long against the legendary
BFG 9000.
But there's a whole other problem when it comes to fighting Doomguy, and that's namely
the fact that Doomguy only shows up when there's demons around.
Lots and lots of demons.
Who all want nothing more than to rip your head off your shoulders, possess your soul,
and make you roam around for eternity as a flaming skull.
So even if you manage to track down some heavy duty UAC weaponry, you're probably going to
have to fight off hordes of demons to get your hands on it.
Then there's also the fact that Doomguy is like, well, pretty lethal with guns.
Like, extremely lethal.
The guy has spent thousands of years battling demons in Hell after all, so getting into
a good old fashioned mexican standoff with him is probably not going to be prudent for
your health- even if you're packing some whopper plasma firepower.
Also, while we're at it, forget about getting into a fist fight.
The guy literally punches through demon heads with ease, imagine how fast he would turn
your face into a crater.
Oh, and Doomguy can also run super fast, so running is pretty pointless too.
How fast?
Well, just shy of about 57 mph (92 kph), and without tiring.
Yeah, guess he got a lot of cardio fighting demons for an eternity in hell.
So seriously, how are you beating Doomguy?
Well, you could try the tried-and-true Aliens approach and just nuke the site from orbit...
to be honest nuking the site from orbit is our favorite way of dealing with most of life's
problems.
But there's just one tiny problem with that strategy, and that's namely that even if Doomguy
dies in our world... well he's spent so much time in Hell that he's sort of attached to
the place.
His soul will return there and simply reincarnate in a few years, so unless you want to live
the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for a demon portal to open up behind you,
killing is definitely not an option.
You really only have one chance here, and that's basically to join forces with hell.
The demons could never defeat Doomguy, but they did manage to trap him in a magical stasis
that lasted for a while, giving them a nice breather for a bit from the constant genocide
Doomguy was causing in hell.
How you do it is up to you, but you're going to have to get on the demon's good side and
help them trap Doomguy back in his magical sarcophagus, and you better do it quick too
because we can't stress enough just how much of an unstoppable killing machine badass Doomguy
really is.
Question is how do you get the demons on your side?
Well, you could try and offer them teleportation technology secrets, they seem to be pretty
interested in the tech, since it allows them to invade different worlds.
But it's actually much simpler than that- all you really have to do is get a part-time
job at T-mobile, and then parlay that into a full time position.
After a year apply for their management course and become store manager, then work your way
up to regional manager.
As anyone who's ever had to suffer using their cell phone service knows, T-mobile is literally
hell, and it turns out that the demons were here with us all along.
We admit it, we put you up against an unstoppable force in this episode, so let us recommend
a more fair fight- watch our episode now on how to defeat Pennywise, or perhaps you'd
enjoy this other video over here instead!
Either way, click now, because any day now the demon invasion could begin!