[Music]
the original Ninja Turtles is one of the
most annoying games I've ever played you
first play it and think well this can't
be too bad the controls decent it's fun
killing things the sound effects are
cool you may even think I'm trying to
compare it to the sequels which are far
superior to player arcade action beat up
a bunch of foot soldiers good stuff
but this first one is garbage and you
may be like you know come on it's the
first of its kind be easy on it but no
it sucks it sucks ass from a straw and
you want to know why well where do I
begin that beeping sound when you're low
on energy I mean that's so annoying
now look at that now how the hell am I
supposed to get up there that's
impossible and who is that guy with the
chainsaw anyway remember him from Ninja
Turtles I sure don't the only way I can
get up there is with Donatello the
turtle with the longest weapon come on
get over here you [ __ ] nut alright okay
all that just for a pizza pizza [ __ ]
okay here's a trick I think everybody
knows when you're fighting Rocksteady
you jump up onto these crates with
Donatello and you just keep hitting them
with your bow now what's really weird is
the timing I mean you have to hit him
when he sort of ducking not when he's
standing up I guess that would make too
much sense so it's obviously a game flaw
then there's that level where you have
to save the dam April O'Neil says you
have my support okay
what the hell does she ever do for you
stupid banana raincoat wearin [ __ ] so
you have to swim around and deactivate
all these bombs and there's so many
things out there to kill you and you
have a time limit so naturally you're
rushing to make it through as fast as
you can and all these electric plants
hurt you so you need a lot of patience
but how could you have patience when
you're in a [ __ ] hurry [ __ ]
level threes like a maze during the
turtle van going around and there's
steam rollers coming at you from
everywhere and you know what I always
thought was really weird why does the
turtle van have the same energy bar as
the turtle that you have selected like
shouldn't it have its own since it's
like a vehicle and not you know the
turtle nevermind so here's a pop quiz
who are the target audience for this
game kids kids who were fans of Ninja
Turtles now you think they would have
actually had put more Ninja Turtle
characters in the game like Baxter
Stockman the Rat King Krang I mean it's
not like Krang was like a minor
character that came in the fifth season
the show Krang was right there from the
beginning so like there's no excuse
there was no excuse not to have him
there I mean instead make way for the
missile balloons flying robot hey those
little butterfly things mr. fireman and
why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles
theme song anywhere in the game what a
piece of [ __ ] you know what I hate the
[ __ ] jumps in the sewer if your
accuracy is slightly off you're going
down so you really got to take your time
and watch what's coming up
ah
you son of a [ __ ] and you know what
pisses me off they're Turtles for [ __ ]
sakes they can't even swim and look at
this [ __ ] right here these spiked walls
come out at you like an Indiana Jones
booby trap
and some game designer who's laughing
their ass off just decided to put a
pizza down there okay well what's the
point I mean are you gonna be suicidal
enough to go and try to get that pizza I
mean who's gonna do that it's impossible
what a joke
and speaking of hard to reach pizzas
look at this come on oh you [ __ ] Pratt
this is just a bunch of caca Dookie this
is bull [ __ ] Jesus Christ Almighty
holy [ __ ]
[ __ ] oh my god oh man why is this game
so hard it's for kids have mercy
why does this jump have to be so close
to the ceiling [ __ ] this game and you
know what pisses me off every time you
fall down you have to walk through the
entire room all over again all the
enemies come back so you have to fight
everybody all over again
now if you get the pizza the pizza
doesn't come back only the bad guys you
want a shitload of [ __ ] I mean you can't
even develop a strategy because the
enemies keep changing it's completely
random I can't get over this [ __ ]
jump if only those two extra platforms
weren't there it wouldn't be a problem
God can I get up can I get up no god
[ __ ] damn get the [ __ ] up there get
up there [ __ ] whoa dudes this games like
a total bummer what a joke
[ __ ]
we can just walk over it you can just
walk over it
you are stumble Cowabunga cow a [ __ ]
piece of [ __ ] this game is diarrhea
coming out of my dick this game is as
appealing as a [ __ ] who's infested
dirty [ __ ] sewer rat [ __ ] I've had
more fun playing with dog turds
shredders my ass and splinters my balls
this game is an inside-out [ __ ]
regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter
I'd rather [ __ ] yank all the hairs
out of my scrotum I'd rather drink
diarrhea vomited out of a buffalos anus
it sucking [ __ ] it [ __ ] sucks it
[ __ ] blows it's a piece of [ __ ] and I
don't like it