Hi! I'm Nicholeen Peck. I'm a relationship expert
and I'm most known for teaching people how to master themselves. So,
self-government. But I've got to admit something.
I have actually nagged before. The person I would be the most inclined to nag at
would be my husband and I'll tell you why because
sometimes he just doesn't listen to me. So, that's what we're going to talk about
in this video. Why nagging happens and then
how not to nag your husband because that's something I learned
and it brought me great peace and freedom for myself
and my relationship.
So, why do we nag our husbands? I'm guessing that mostly ladies are
watching this video. But if you're here as a guy,
hopefully you'll get some insights as well. Because maybe you've been doing
some nagging too. We all can nag people when we feel like
the person doesn't care or isn't listening or they get
distracted and they're not following through.
My husband is classic for just not hearing me sometimes. And I don't
think there's anything wrong with his hearing. I think he's just
not focused in sometimes. But I also know
that there are a few of those times when he's feeling a little
oppositional. And maybe he just doesn't really want to talk about
whatever that is or he doesn't want to do it whatever it
happens to be. This used to really bother me. And I
would say again and again. "I need you to do that,
are you going to do that? Are you listening to me? Did you hear me?
What did I say to you?" Those are nagging things.
Guess what? Your husband is not your child.
Let's get that through our heads. I know that women joke about it and they say,
like say, the woman has3 children she'll say,
"I really have four children because my husband is one of my children." No, he's
not. He's not one of your children. He's your
husband. That's totally different which means you
have to treat him like an adult. Not like a child. And even though he has
given you rain over a lot of the scheduling
and and how the home runs and stuff like that,
because usually the woman's brain is better at it
and he knows it. Then what happens is you think that you need to run
him the same way that you run the children. But you can't do that. And I
know because I made that mistake for a while.
And you know what happens is they start to do less and less
be involved less and less and sometimes even talk to you
less and less. So, what we need to do is we need to bond with them, we need to
understand them. Why is it that they are
sometimes not listening or not doing? Are they distracted because they've got a
lot of things on their mind? Or do they have something they really
would rather do instead and they're trying to balance how
they're going to tell you. They don't really want to do that, they're not
in the mood, they had something else planned?
They don't want to let you down yet so then they're just not doing it?
Have you thought of that? Sometimes we put so many demands upon
a person that that person doesn't really know how to tell us no.
And maybe we need to tell them, "It's okay to tell me,
honey I know you want me to do that but i don't have time right now."
Because wouldn't you rather hear that than have nothing
happen and no one respond and then you keep saying it again
and again and again? Of course you would. So, have those types of discussions with
your husband. Ask him to just communicate with you
what he would like to have happen. And if you say to him, "Honey, can you do
this for me, please?" And he really doesn't want to, have him
tell you that he doesn't want to. In a way that's
respectful and kind. We use a skill in our marriage called
disagreeing appropriately. In this skill, you look at the person, you
keep a calm face voice and body. You say that you understand the other
person's point of view then you share your point of view.
You listen to what they have to say and you say okay
and drop the subject. There's another skill that's
vital for having good husband and wife relationships
and conquering this nagging problem. That skill
is accepting a no answer. If somebody doesn't talk back to you,
they are giving you a no answer. My father always said when I was young, "A
non-answer is a no answer." Now, it's true that's poor
communication. In fact, it's a little bit manipulative
and definitely concerning to other people sometimes.
But if you recognize that it's a no answer,
because you can't make the other person communicate with you in a certain way
if they aren't your child, then you can do the steps to accepting a no answer.
And there's 4 steps. You look at the person, keep a calm face
voice and body. Say, okay you're asked to disagree
appropriately and then drop the subject which means you don't
think about it anymore. So, if you say, "Honey, could you do this?"
And nothing happens, he doesn't say anything.
Then say, "Okay. Well, I guess that's how it's going to be." Now, you can't carry bad
feelings about it. That just messes you up inside. And that's probably
why you're nagging because you don't want to carry bad feelings about it.
You've got to just let it go. Drop the subject.
And then there's another no answer you're going to have to accept because
you chose to accept his no answer. That other no answer that you are going
to have to accept is whatever it was you wanted him to do
is not going to get done. And you have to be
okay with that. You have to say, "That's okay." Either you do it yourself or it
doesn't get done. And you just look at the situation, keep
a calm face voice and body which means you don't take it personally.
Say okay and then drop the subject. When you can learn how to do that, your
relationship will improve. He'll actually start talking to you more.
Here's the other thing: Sometimes just start doing more. I know
there are some people that are lazy. There might be lazy husbands out there.
But even if they are, does your nagging really make a difference
in their laziness? No. It doesn't. The most important thing is your bond or
connection that you have with each other. And that improves when you stop nagging
the other person. So, keep that in mind. That bond and
connection is really your top priority not whether
they did something or didn't do something. I've
heard of people getting divorced just because somebody won't
help out with housework. That's not the biggest problem. The
biggest underlying problem is the communication isn't
happening right. And because of that, the love is waning.
So, focus on the love, the relationship and the communication. And you'll have
greater success in your marriage overall. Well, now you know how not to nag your
husband and how to not treat him as a child.
But if you do have children and you like this video,
you'll probably enjoy my next video which is linked to
in the corner here called How To Raise Happy Healthy
Self-Confident Children.
you