NC: I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you,
cause let me tell you, it's not always easy.
The stupid ass shit I have to sit through is JUST...
Well, it's not always fun.
I mean, a bad movie is one thing. That's like two hours.
But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured pwecious shit,
or pweshit as I like to call it,
Quite often, it's just more than I can bear.
The only upside I have is that I can share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place.
With that said:
Full House.
♪Whatever happened to predictability?♪
For those of you blessed without the knowledge of this show,
I'll fill you in.
Full House ran in the late 80's and early 90's on ABC's Friday lineup, TGiF.
Which usually had about four family-friendly sitcoms
that always got called back to our depressing reality by ending with 20/20.
Thank you, Hugh Downs.
Full House often started off the lineup, with it's cutesy-wootesy, non-threatening
as well as not-funny humor, and actually ended up lasting for eight seasons.
Eight Season.
That is SHIT!
I can't last eight minutes watching this trite, how the hell did they last eight seasons?!
I mean, it's a genuine mystery! Nobody liked the show, so how the hell did it do so well?
Well, let's...
Swallow our dignity and tried to find out.
So we get a typical mid-80's opening, where people at the time just love to fold their arms,
laugh, and smile, hoping coincidentally for their credits to appear below them while a gender-confused
doo-wop band sings about the quirks of life.
♪Everywhere you look, (everywhere you go) There's a heart (there's a heart)♪
Ahh, those were the days.
I especially love this image of a cutesy scenario going on while we stare at a gigantic prison.
If that's not symbolic, I dunno what is.
So, what's the story you're pleading me not to tell you?
Well, the world's raunchiest family icon, Bob Saget, plays a character named Dan,
who just lost his wife to the always horrible...
[Insert name here] disease.
He lives in San Francisco with his three daughters,
DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle,
played by the pair of twins often mistaken for talented, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
But raising three girls is tough, so Dan calls upon a guitar-player who's not cool and a comedian who's not funny.
The mullet-bimbos here are known as Jesse, played by John Stamos, who's also Dan's brother-in-law,
and Joey, played by Dave Coulier.
And if you think there's anything odd about three prissy guys living in a house with no women,
you've clearly never been to San Francisco.
So how bad is this show?
Well, let's take a look at the very first joke in the very first episode...
Woman: *sighs* The baby's sleeping like a baby.
[Laughter]
And it's all downhill from there.
I mean, I've watched several episodes and not one of these jokes made me laugh. NOT ONE!
I didn't even giggle at the sheer stupidity of them! Isn't that like, statistically impossible?!
I should've laughed at least once!
But talking about it doesn't help. Let's take a closer look at these characters.
Jesse, for example, is a tough guy
(well, as tough as a pile of Fonzie's hand-me-downs can look).
Michelle: Let's play "ballerina!"
Jesse: How do you play "ballerina?"
Michelle: Catch me!
Oh!
Jesse: Oh! Okay?
Michelle: Turn around.
On your tippy-toes!
Jesse: Tippy-toes, right.
NC: This was written, people.
Joey is a silly comedian always making wisecracks and punchlines that, quite frankly, make you want to castrate yourself.
Joey: *Imitates Popeye*
*Imitates cartoon sound effects*
[Laughter]
NC: You know the guy from the Police Academy movies? The one that did all the incredible sound effects?
Dave Coulier is nothing like that guy.
Joey: *Imitating Kermit* Hi, Michelle! It's me, Kermit the Frog.
*Imitating Pee-wee Herman* Hi, it's me, Pee-wee Herman! Haha! Do you wanna go to my playhouse? Ha! Ha!
[Laughter]
NC: He's like the man of 1,001 impressions!
And not one of them right.
Joey: *Imitating Bill Cosby* If you move back into the house, you can a big juicy bowl of JELL-O®. Muauauauaua.
NC: *Imitating Bill Cosby* I figure if I imitate a funny, successful comedian, I myself may one day become one.
Oh, and did I mention he has a puppet of a woodchuck brilliantly named...
Mr. Woodchuck?
Joey: Well, I'd be nice to hold something warm and cuddly that didn't always talk about wood.
NC: I'm above that joke.
Then you've got Dan. His gimmick, I guess, is that he's just...clean.
Dan: Okay, Steph, first thing you do when you get to the dance is locate all the fire exits.
Keep an eye on your coat the entire night and if the punch smells funny, don't drink it.
NC: Oh, and he's a little prissy, too.
Dan: Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean hugging machine.
NC: Okay, he's a lot prissy.
In fact, knowing Bob Saget the way we know him now, this is actually really funny to watch.
Anyone who watches Bob Saget's stand-up know that he is a raunchy, raunchy man.
And you know that saying all this family-friendly bullshit is probably just killing him.
In fact, let's compare Dan Tanner and Bob Saget for a second, shall we?
Dan: I know exactly how you feel.
And I know how much you girls miss your mother.
Bob: I've banged half the girls in the room, and that is fucking--
Not true, I have not banged anyone here, I stuck my pinkie in your butts, a couple of you.
Dan: She was devastated.
It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.
Bob: Fuck that shit.
No thanks, I'm good.
Do not-- Kids, do not fuck that shit, you'll get an infection. you listen to me.
NC: Dan Tanner? Blow me.
Bob?
(impersonating '89 Joker) You...are my number one...guy!
Then you got DJ, who I have to admit, as she got older did get consistently hotter.
but that didn't change the fact that she had little to no personality.
DJ: Wow, you have a date and a dress.
So far, my prom's looking like a bag of chips and a remote control.
NC: Life is hell.
There's Stephanie also, but she's sorta on the same boat of blandness.
Neither characters really make an effort to stand out.
Dan: Stephanie, what are you doing?
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
NC: GOD.
And then of course, there's the Gremlin babies themselves, the Olsen twins as Michelle,
who I think literally just had the job of spewing catchphrases.
Michelle: What'll it be, Comet? Kibbles or Bits?
NC: Aw!
Michelle: You're goin' down!
NC: Aww!
Stephanie: You're supposed to keep your cards close to your body.
Michelle: You're supposed to keep your eyes close to your head.
NC: *smack* AWWW!!!
I guess this was the character that stole the show, or would, if there was anything of value to steal.
For some reason, the Olsen twins really took off and made a video series that literally transformed them into millionaires.
I swear it also transformed them into Barbie® dolls, but to be fair, I think the dolls are a little less plastic.
Michelle: You look just like Sleeping Beauty.
Except you're awake.
NC: The cash-cow goes...
[Mooing]
But when it started out, they were just exploitable babies.
and the studio took advantage of every friggin' frame they were in.
For example, one episode was about changing a diaper!
*Sarcastically* Ooh!
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse: Good.
[Laughter and applause]
NC: That got an applause, people. That gives you an idea of the kind of humor they deal with on here.
But that's not the only pressing issue this show addresses.
There's a lot of other gut-wrenching dilemmas that this show dares to challenge! Like:
Who's gonna do the dishes?
Is the hammock gonna be put up okay?
And of course, Who can limbo the lowest?
Michelle: Let's get ready to LIMBO!
NC: But that's not all! Here's a list of some of the other episodes to give you an idea of how truly exiting this show was!
"The First Day of School", "The Return of Grandma", "Sea Cruise", and "Daddy's Home".
You know what this is?
This is the life of people in picture frames.
No issues, no real dilemmas,
just a series of cuddly inconveniences.
This family makes Norman Rockwell look butch! GROW SOME BALLS, WILL YA?!
There's other characters who eventually evolved into the show.
Like Becky, who fell in love with Jessie and eventually married him.
Again, she's pretty dull, but I'd be lying if I didn't say she was kinda hot...
Stephanie: We're doing that balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Becky: You know, I did that play in junior high.
Wasn't a lot of fun though.
Well, I went to an all girls school.
In fact...
I was Romeo.
NC: Rather than, oh, I don't know, move out of the house,
Jessie and Becky stay together and give birth to twin boys.
Yeah, because one set of annoying bad acting twins just wasn't enough.
Twin 1: Do you know what he said?
Twin 2: No, just keep nodding.
NC: These boys are no actors as you can clearly see.
You can practically see the cue cards they're reading off of!
Twin 2: You're no fun anymore.
NC: There's also DJ's friend, Kimmy,
the white female Urkel of the group.
Kimmy: (in Scottish accent) I'm practicing the bagpipes for the Scottish music festival after school.
NC: You know, every time a joke from Full House is uttered, a poor soul commits suicide?
Kimmy: Don't get your kilt in a knot McGreasy.
(gunshot)
NC: You see?
There's also DJ's boyfriend, Steve,
whose voice you may actually recognize.
Steve: I know exactly how you felt,
like someone punched you in the stomach and knocked the wind out of you.
Aladdin: Perfect timing, Abu, as usual.
NC: That's right, it's Aladdin from, well, Aladdin.
That's an interesting bit of trivia for you.
But what the hell's he doing on this show?
I recently caught up with the actor who played in this role and I asked him why he took a part in this godawful show.
He had this to say:
♪Got to eat to live, got to steal to eat, tell you all about it when I got the time♪
Yeah.
It's from our talk.
We flew him in to Chicago, did an audio interview, and he chose to answer everything in song.
He's quite quirky that way.
Oh and there's also a dog named Comet because this show just wasn't cute enough yet.
All that is missing is a little fairy named 'Pretty Prissy Funhead' and this atom bomb of cuteness will be complete.
Set your adorable levels to '10'.
Now most shows often have a theme or pattern,
but in 'Full House' case, it's more of an overused manipulative plot device.
And trust me when I say they have several.
Like how the corny music that would play whenever a speech is being made.
What is it, honey?
It's just not fair.
I didn't even know what love was until I met you.
Where's mom?
How right of it was I?
You were here sweetheart, but it was like one part of you is missing.
It's not like the actual emotion of the scene is enough to carry it,
so we have to play shitty ass music to let you know when the feel's on it.
God, wouldn't I give to hear this sappy ass music over a scene that didn't require it.
Stephanie,
there's a time that every girl is like when she might be noticing some changes.
That might seem strange or bizarre to you, but it happens to every young woman.
It's called 'having a period'.
It's gross, disgusting, and unnatural,
but, it something that all females go through.
You may see your body as something possessed, horrifying, or despicable,
and that's because it is.
Stop it.
Right now.
But that's not the only pattern.
Every single show has a relatively harmless problem that always seem to be solved within a half-hour time limit.
Or, in most cases, a one-minute speech.
But you still got ME.
You got me too.
And me.
Linkara: And me?
Benzaie: And me?
Googles: And me.
Angry Joe: And me?
I'll move back in.
(applause)
Yes, you all can find that the studio audience from this show is VERY easy to impress.
For example, here's what happens every time somebody kisses...
(Whoooo)
Oh my God, a kiss!
That must mean they like each other.
I bet how they kiss, they'll move on to holding hands.
(Squee)
So we all know how the show begins,
but you're like me, you're wondering how the hell does it all end?
Well unfortunately, a killing spree isn't involved.
However, one of the characters does get injured.
Michelle is involved in a horse-racing competition.
As it turns out, Dan and another girl's mother get WAY into their daughter's if she wins.
Could you come out my little girl's...
I'm a parent, not a groomer.
Oh I'm sorry, you just have the air of stable help.
NC: Excuse me, I'm Snobby von Persnickerdy Bitch.
I don't know if you saw Michelle riding out there, but if she entered the competition, she could win.
Enjoy you little fantasy,
because in reality, my Elizabeth wins this competition every year.
Did you know that I actually eat 'Good' for breakfast and regurgitate it as 'Evil'?
It's a delightful practice.
This is why you don't go to public school.
NC: God, these scenes are so bad, even the horse looks like he's suffering. My only wish is that he can talk back to half of these morons.
You know what? I think you missed a spot.
NC: (impersonating a horse) This is so demeaning, I wish I was glue.
What do you think, Peppermill? You like the idea, just stand there.
NC: (impersonating Peppermill) You're a insipid twat.
He loves it.
Alright Peppermill, I'm gonna tell you the same thing my beloved track coach taught me right before my very first big track meet.
Tanner, you keep those water bottles filled.
NC: (impersonating) Your humor is like my balls: Old and non-functioning.
While that's going on, Jesse and Joey are trying to put together a show about how they're going to wrestle...
Okay...what mental asylum did this a-hole break out of?
Put my foot around your neck like this...
This was a family show, right?
So Michelle and the other girl decide to go out and practice when suddenly tragedy strikes.
NC (as Peppermill): Off you go, bitch.
Free at last. Maybe I can be a stand-in on Seabiscuit.
She fell off her horse.
Oh my gosh. What happened?
NC (as Joey): Should I do my Popeye impression?
So Michelle wakes up, but unfortunately has a horrible case of amnesia.
Actually, what am I talking about? That's not unfortunate at all!
I wish I had that right now.
Well, memory loss is very common with head injuries.
How long's gonna last?
Well, it's usually just temporary.
One episode, twenty minutes tops.
So everyone tries to get Michelle to remember who she is.
Dan, Jesse, Joe...
Seriously dude, which hospital?
So, you all live in the neighborhood?
No, you're gonna love this...
We all live in this house.
Oh...
I hope it's bigger than it looks from the outside.
Well, through the magic of studio sets, plot holes, and inconsistent writing,
YEAH!
So her memory does finally return in a weird existential moment where the two sisters are finally shown on screen together.
I'm your memory.
Where the heck have you been? I've been looking all over you!
I hope I didn't cause you any trouble.
Duh...
Psychology for dummies, by dummies
Gee, I sure hope there's an overwinded speech with shitty music to close us out...
Well, we stuck it out and we got through.
Just like we always do.
Just like we always will.
THIS SHOW IS THE WORST!
It's like if a Hallmark card pissed all over your family album and that's somehow mutated into a sitcom.
It was never funny, never clever, never endearing,
so why do we keep watching it?
Eight seasons?! Hello...
that's...a long time to watch untalented hacks severed around a pair of unfunny female troll goblins.
It's almost as if they were sending us a subliminal messages or something.
In fact...
what happens when you play the Olsen twins' dialogue backwards?
You look just like Sleeping Beauty.
Watch our shows and make us money.
OH MY GOD!
And what's that scene there?
OH MY GOD...
The Olsen Twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination!
I knew it all along!
The people have to know!
Come play with us, Critic.
Come play with us...
Come play with us, Critic.
Forever and ever and ever and ever...
TWINS!!!
(gunshots)
I did it.
They're dead.
Can you believe them?
Trying to take over the world?
Of course.
Well, seeing how they are in fact dead, I would just turn around and go to my normal duties.
Cause you know, they're dead. They're not like they're going to pop up anywhere...
Anywhere else...especially on my way back to my room.
So, I'm gonna make that turn I told you about a second ago...
and here I go.
You see? Nothing there.
Uh huh...
So I'll just get back to work and...
(jumpscare)
It's just a dream all along.
Well, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember...
(jumpscare)
I'm the Nostalgia Critic
(jumpscare)
I...
(jumpscare)
You know what I do and you know why I do it...
(jumpscare)