- Hello there Vanity Fair, I'm Madea.
Now don't go pretending you don't know me
or you ain't heard of me.
You know who the hell I am.
This is the Madea universe, and I'm gonna get you caught up.
Okay? Check it out.
Now you might have met me
around back when my granddaughter Helen was splitting
from my husband Charles.
He was bad news dragging her
out of the house by the hair, replacing her
with some whore that he already had two children with.
After he threw her out, she makes her way over
to my house, and when I heard what Helen's husband did,
well, we might have just gone back to his house,
allegedly, ripped up the whore's clothes, allegedly,
took a chain saw to cut up all the furniture,
allegedly, okay?
That wasn't the first time
I got an ankle brace, and it won't be the last time,
but I'm working on it.
On the other side of town,
Helen has started dating a fine man.
His name is Orlando and eventually he gets up the nerve
to propose to her one day.
Girl, I listen to him,
but the moment that Helen sees the news
that Charles had got shot up in court
by a man who was defending, well,
- I have to go.
- Her momma Myrtle tells, "Baby, you got to forgive"
and Charles started having his own change of heart,
and he apologized for treating me like trash for so long,
so Helen literally helped him get back on his feet,
but later on Helen tells Charles that she's in love
with somebody else, so they got divorced.
They signed the papers, and then she run out the door
where Orlando is working, and she tell him,
"I love you please take me."
And the boy asked her to marry.
She jumped in his arms. It's so beautiful.
You all just got to see it you just gotta see it.
On the other side of town my niece Lisa,
she getting ready to get married to this man Carlos,
a man who looks good on the outside,
but is just a nasty son of a bitch on the inside.
He likes to hit on women and Lisa most of all,
and when her sister Vanessa brings her over to my house,
and tells me what's been going on, I tell her straight up
I know how to deal with a man who hits on a woman,
so I cook a big old pot of grits then I throw those grits
right in his face!
And as you throw it, you swat Ppsht.
Throw it and swat, you hear me?
Throw it and swat.
Come to find out the girl's momma Victoria
has been working with Carlos to drain my niece's trust fund,
and she doesn't really care that he beats on her daughter,
now, Vanessa's got a bus driver named Frankie,
he's so fine, who is sweet on her,
and the two of them start dating.
The day Lisa wedding come around,
Lisa is in my kitchen,
and with Carlos come knocking, my niece took all
of my advice about giving that men them grits
and then this is what she did.
- [Man] Ohhh. Ahhh. - Is everything all right?
- It's fine and I know that scream from anywhere.
Come on, let's go to church. Praise the lord.
God is good.
When did she get over there to the church,
and she tell the family there's not gonna be a wedding.
Frankie stands up and proposes that day to Vanessa,
and they take advantage of that day and all that money
they spent on that wedding and it was just beautiful.
It was a beautiful wedding.
Out in Chicago, my niece Brenda who didn't know yet
that she was my niece was living paycheck to paycheck
with her three children in the projects
when she got a letter saying that her daddy died,
and there was four bus tickets for her to come to Georgia
to attend the funeral, but just before they leave,
a recruiter named Harry come to her door looking
for her son Michael who is a high school basketball star,
and he wants to talk about Michael playing pro,
but Brenda doesn't have time for that,
and she gives him all the cold brush off.
So she and the kids head on down to Georgia,
and they met up at the bus station with Leroy Brown,
my baby daddy and my daughter Cora, well sorta my daughter,
but I'll explain that later, so Brenda and the kids meet
all of their newfound kin
and guess who lives in the same town?
Harry that fine recruiter, and he's got a thing for Brenda,
and they start getting friendly,
so the family just come together round them,
and then in front of the reading of the will,
and it turned out that Brenda's daddy left her a house.
The house looked like its falling apart,
but she and the kids need to get back to the big city
where they from.
Once they get home, Michael starts thinking
he really needs to provide for his family,
so he hits up a friend and starts selling them on the block,
you know what that mean, but things go south real fast,
and he ends up getting shot in the back.
Yes he did drama in this movie baby.
While he's healing, Brenda decides to move down to Georgia,
and when they get there, the run down shack
that her daddy left her had been replaced
by a gorgeous new house.
Harry put up most of the money,
who also signs on to be Michael's manager,
so Brenda gets real suspicious that Harry is only after her
because of Michael's potential to make him a lot of money.
They get into a fight, but when Michael signs his pro deal,
she finds out that Harry was only there
to help guide his career, and he's not making a dime.
Turns out he was a good man and wasn't an opportunist,
and Brenda got to eat a little crow and apologize to him.
That ain't all she did.
[laughs]
Listen, anyway,
they get back to talking, and they confess
how much they love each other, and bam!
We had another wedding, and all this loveliness is happening
while I'm on the run from the cops.
Turns out, the po-po didn't know how to Mirandize to me,
so they had to let me go.
Judge sent me free,
but not before slapping on another ankle bracelet,
and ordering me to attend anger management,
a DA named Josh, he was trying this case for solicitation,
he recognizes this little girl named Candice,
so he helped her out.
His fiance Linda wasn't too happy
that her man clearly had a history with a girl
who was a corner worker, you know what I mean?
Now on the other side of town, my daughter Cora was getting
her hair done, now I'm on house arrest, but I was hungry,
and I'm a grown woman, so I should be able to go
where I want to go, so I took myself to the Kmart,
now I'm about to pull into this parking spot,
and this white woman just comes speeding in my space, right?
And I took a fork lift and I picked her car up,
and dropped it off about twenty feet in the air.
- Old woman? Put my car down now!
- Okay.
She was lucky she wasn't in it, okay [laughs],
that's all I'm saying, so I ended up going to prison
for a long time. She and I were sitting in there
writing me and Candace, but I was in there long enough
to whoop some ass, take care of a couple of bullies,
and become a prison mother, and get some sweet cornrows.
Girl, I looked good. Right around that time,
Joshua discovered that his jealous fiancée has been adding
crimes to people's sentences
so that the judge would convict 'em.
He dumps her at the altar, and hallelujah Candace and I
are set free, and then Josh reveals
that the reason he fought so hard to get her out
was that he loved her. He wanted some.
Anyway, they fell in love, and it was the sweetest thing.
But back at home, my niece Shirley went to the doctor,
and the news wasn't good. Her cancer's back,
and she has less than a couple of months left on this earth.
She rounds up all her children to tell them the bad news
over a family dinner, but Shirley's family got a lot
of bad blood between them especially
between the sisters Kimberly and Tammy,
and her son Byron, he ain't doing too great.
He's just out of prison with a need to yearn a friend,
and a baby mama with a voice
that could bust a God's eardrums wide open.
When they finally all get together for dinner at the table,
Tammy and Kimberly get into a screaming match,
then Tammy reveals that their brother Byron is actually
Kimberly's son that she had when she was only thirteen.
Honey, it was so tense, I don't even know what to do
at that table, and while all this is going on,
my baby daddy Leroy Brown, he goes to the doctor
because he's not feeling well, probably just a little gas,
but anyway, they ask my daughter Cora to donate some blood,
and then she finds out that she might not be actually his.
- [Cora] Madea, who's my daddy?
- Arruh?
I don't want to talk about that,
but that's what happened.
Later on, Shirley takes a turn,
honey, and everybody's gathered around her to say goodbye.
We had a beautiful service for her,
but when we get back to Shirley's home,
I take the gloves off, and I say, "Everybody,"
straight like a good grandma would about
how they not only did their momma wrong,
but how they're messing with their own lives.
Kimberly's marriage is about to end,
because she is mad at the world,
and Tammy and her nasty little son,
I can't stand him little jokers walk all over her
and because he's too soft, now then Byron,
he ditches his baggage with his girlfriend
and his baby mamma.
Go get a job and provide for his son.
Sometimes you just need a little tough Madea love.
Later Cora and Mr. Brown drag me onto the Maury Povich show,
honey and they read the results of the DNA test.
- [Maury] Brown, you are not the father.
- [Crowd] Oooooh
- [Cora] Madea! Why did you have to do this?
All of my whore days have caught up with me.
Back in the city, my nephew Brian, his daughter Tiffany,
she's seventeen, she thinks she's full grown, right?
So her and her friends decide they going
to a Halloween party at a frat house,
so Brian he calls me up and asks me to come over,
and watch his daughter while he's gone,
and I'm like, "Hell no, I ain't gonna come over there."
but then he says that I'll pay you
so I be I'm like I'm on my way, I'll be right over there.
Me and Bam and Tammy and Joe drive over,
and once we get there, Tiffany doesn't waste any time
pretending to go to sleep,
then she sneaks out of the damn house,
so we go over to the frat house and try to find out
what's going on, but it's just mayhem and chaos
and all these horror fests just going on.
Just these children just in costumes crazy,
so we call the po-po on them, but when we get back
to the house, all sorta scary stuff starts happening.
The floorboards started creaking, writing messages
on the mirror, big scary clowns coming out of the attic,
so we get the hell outta that house,
and that's what we did, that's the first thing we did,
got the hell outta that, got back in the car,
and got on the road, and the car breaks down,
zombies come out of everywhere.
Honey, we running straight to the church and find out
that this was all them boys that had been scaring us
all the time, so Brian comes home,
and finally puts his foot down with his daughter,
and tells her that if she can't abide by his rules,
she out of the house, but right after that,
the po-po show up, and tells us that Aday is missing,
so they head to the frat house, and there she is
in the basement, dead, she dead, and them and Tiffany
and all her friends get arrested and thrown onto this bus
that takes them to the prison, but turns out,
I'm the true master of the prank
because it was all fake, except for the police officers
at the end that realized that I wasn't legal,
and that was real as hell so I got the hell out of there.
Fast forward one year after the boys at the frat house
are throwing another Halloween party, but this time,
out at the lake where a bunch of people got murdered.
Stupid stuff like that children do,
and Tiffany plans on going, seems like
she didn't learn her lesson from the first time,
so Brian isn't planning on doing anything about it
this time, so I drag Bam, Hattie, and Joe out there
to the lake to you know see what's going on,
so I can whoop some ass or go out on my niece,
or whatever I need to do or drag her back home,
and it's just mayhem and chaos and horrificishness
out there in the woods, with all these youths,
but the party started going south real fast
when a bunch of terrifying little demon kids
and big dudes with chainsaws started running around,
and the car breaks down in front of one of them
creeper houses where all these teenagers were hiding,
and just when we're forming a plan,
one of them little demon kids comes at us
from out of the shadows, and we run screaming
out of the house all of a sudden to the road
where Brian and another father are standing there
waiting for us, turns out that was all a prank
they had plotted to teach them teenagers some lessons.
We got caught up in the middle of this.
Brian is lucky nobody got hurt. He'd better be lucky
he didn't get hurt, okay? Cause he would have been dead.
And now you're all caught up
on everything that's happened in Madea's world until now,
so you won't have any questions when you go to the theaters
to see my movie on March 1st, A Madea Family Funeral.
Thank you and don't forget to go see it.
I'll see you later, I'm doing the cover of Vanity Fair.