hey everybody today we're going to talk
about keeping healthy boundaries with
those toxic family members many of you
requested this so here it is now before
I even get into this topic I think that
it's important to address the fact that
not everyone's family is happy and
healthy I know that that goes without
saying but a lot of people assume that
family is happy and exciting and people
will honestly think that you're going
home for Christmas and you're excited
about it when you're really not and I
think there's a lot of work that can be
done in therapy to work on accepting
that fact and coming to terms with what
that means for you and knowing that
family may just mean their blood-related
and that's it the first thing that I'll
always talk about when it comes to
boundaries is we have to first figure
out when we know our boundaries have
been crossed how does that feel for us
to give you an example a lot of people
when their boundaries or cross become
angry other people withdrawal some
people feel extremely anxious or
uncomfortable and they don't know why
and so those are all things you're gonna
have to figure out for you because
everybody's different but figuring that
out lets us know where our boundaries
need to be because our bodies almost
already telling us hey I don't like this
and that's like our natural boundary
another thing that I think is important
to address is how pretending their
behavior is okay or not a big deal is
terrible and it ends up only hurting you
it also sends in mixed signals because
they think that the way that they're
acting is something that is fine with
you and that pushing over what may be a
normal boundary for someone else
doesn't apply to you gives them more
room to be an [ __ ] and so when we
stop pretending it's okay and we don't
allow it sends the right signal and
hopefully stops it from happening
because this video is geared more
towards family members I think it's
important to talk about how we can
actually still give ourselves permission
to not have a relationship with them now
I have a video link in the description
where I talk about five ways to deal
with toxic people and all the ways we
can communicate this to them and then if
things don't work out we end up not
being able to be around them we can cut
them off I think that this is a really
important thing to remember with fam
- because toxic people are toxic it
doesn't matter if we're related to them
or not or if they're a friend of a
friend we just have to hang out with
them that doesn't really matter at the
end of the day all that matters is that
they're not healthy for you to be around
they make you feel bad they may be
passive-aggressive there's lots of put
downs it can be really terrible and
toxic to you therefore we don't have to
have a relationship with them and I
think it can be really empowering and
kind of also give us like a sense of
relief to know that we can give
ourselves permission to not be in a
relationship with them and that's okay
and that doesn't make you a bad person
and I also think it's important to add
in here that toxic people aren't like
bad people
to everybody oftentimes just a bad
recipe you plus them is bad neither
person may be bad in general I know a
lot of you are concerned about being the
toxic person but it may just be that
relationship or the way that that like
attachment has cultivated itself and now
it's really unhealthy and that doesn't
mean either person is bad it just means
that this relationship is toxic and we
have to get out of it or work harder to
make it healthy another important thing
to remember about toxic people and toxic
relationships is that they thrive on
passive aggression what is passive
aggression it really means that instead
of directly communicating what's
upsetting or what they may need from you
they do it in like an offhanded way
where they may say something to someone
else so you overhear it without directly
saying it to you that's
passive-aggressive behavior they may
also bring something up out of the blue
and say well yeah I mean I didn't invite
you because you never invited me the
other thing that's passive aggression
that's not directly communicating in the
moment it's after the fact where it's
like kind of you know you hear it off to
the side and it's not said to you
anything that's not directly
communicated to you is passive
aggression and they thrive on it and the
way to remedy that and to fight against
that behavior is to call them out on it
if something's upsetting if you overhear
them talking to someone it's okay to say
hey I heard you mentioned that I didn't
know that you were even upset I didn't
know you were in town how come he never
told me wait for it force them to
respond adults and humans in general not
even just adults we're all accountable
we
should talk to one another we should
tell each other when were upset and
what's upsetting us being silent or
trash talking you to someone else isn't
going to make anything better and so I
would encourage you to hype yourself up
and hold your ground talk to them bring
it up if you hear them or if they're
doing something that's upsetting and
passive-aggressive call them out on it
force them to communicate use your I
statements and the way that you can
express what's going on with you and
wait for them to respond they may not
respond well but hopefully they will and
this can be something you can build on
and this toxic relationship me become
healthy but if not then we may have to
cut them off and it's perfectly okay to
have to do that too I hope you found
this helpful this video got so many
votes on patreon so I know that a lot of
you deal with this so that means that
you can leave in the comments things
that have worked for you let's share in
our experience that's what makes our
community so wonderful so please share
give this a thumbs up and I will see you
next time
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