Hey everyone, Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm going to show you what you can do when your partner tells
you that she doesn't love you anymore.
And my name is Jeffrey and I'm your relationship and marriage coach.
And my mission here is to give you the skills and the knowledge to enable you to
turn your relationship around by yourself.
And so even if your partner wants nothing to do with their relationship right
now or if they don't want to work on the relationship,
that's okay because when you start changing your approach,
you'll bring about the change in the whole relationship as well because it takes
just one person to break a cycle and one person to perpetuate a more positive
cycle. And so if you want to empower yourself with this knowledge,
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[inaudible]
so those words I don't love you anymore can be very,
very jarring and is basically the last thing you want to hear.
But understand that this is not the end. This is often the beginning.
So to explain what I mean here.
Let's begin to understand why she says I don't love you anymore in the first
place. So if you have been following me for awhile,
then you'll know this thing called the relationship pyramid and on the bottom of
the pyramid here, which is the foundations,
is something called emotional safety and psychological safety.
So if you have some gripe,
if you have some issue that you have in the relationship,
can you actually bring it up to your partner or do you have to hide it for the
fear that it will cost them argument?
It will cause a stir and so emotional or psychological safety is destroyed here.
Then what happens is you're going to continue to have issues in your
relationship.
There's going to be a lot of things that your partner does that really annoys
you, but you can't ever bring it up and because you can't bring it up,
all those stuff gets swept under the rug.
They got really pent up and they kind of stew and making your emotions.
This festering pit of bitterness and when one or both persons has a lot of pent
up stuff like this, what happens is conflicts start to occur, right?
All this pent up stuff eventually explode and when they explode,
it gets the other person angry.
Then that person being angry makes you even angrier. And so a lot of arguments,
a lot of conflicts, a lot of defensiveness,
a lot of just passive aggressiveness happens when you don't have psychological
or emotional safety.
So that's the first thing that happens usually is that the relationship starts
to get very conflicted. It just becomes very difficult.
The second thing that happens is because of all those conflicts,
it makes it really hard for us to feel admiration for each other because it's
really hard for us to look up to someone that we always argue with that we can
never resolve conflicts with.
And so the second thing that happens then is that admiration gets destroyed and
once admiration gets destroyed,
then the third thing that happens is you start to destroy goal alignment.
And so you start to kind of bicker over who's right, who's wrong.
You stop becoming one team and you start living life in separate ways in a way.
And the reason why they concrete goal alignment is that they don't admire each
other. So if my partner has a different goal than I do,
then I'm going to look down on their goals because I generally don't admire my
partner. And without goal alignment,
more conflicts will and eventually that will kill a sexual passion because it's
really hard to feel sexual passion when you have so many conflicts.
And so that's the usual chain of events that happens when I work with a lot of
my clients. And when all five pillars like this are broken,
then that's when someone says, I don't love you anymore.
But there's one more thing here that makes it even worse,
which is the sense of hopelessness when you realize that all these things are
broken but you don't even know how to fix it because the foundations here,
which is safety is broken. So all of these things are broken,
but you can't even talk about it. You can't even express it,
you can't even resolve it.
And that is really the thing that pushes things over the edge to make someone
say, I don't love you anymore and I have all this sounds foreign to you.
This whole pillar thing sounds foreign to you.
Then you want to get access to my four day training series and that four day
training series we'll show you exactly how the mechanics of how most
relationships break down. Um,
and I've worked with many couples and I've seen that most relationships break
down in the same way and once you understand how to break it down,
then it will also show you how you can start to bring it back up and rebuild it
from the ground up.
So if you haven't downloaded that a four day training series,
then I suggest you do because all this stuff will make a lot more sense to you
when you have that four day training series.
And so if you understand this sequence of events here,
then you also understand that the last thing you want to do when your partner
says to you that she doesn't love you anymore is to react badly to it is to get
angry at it,
is to get passive aggressive on it because that's what she feels when she tells
you that she doesn't love you anymore.
She's expressing her most genuine and most honest feelings at this time.
And it goes back to this emotional safety thing where if you react badly to
someone's expressions of their emotions, then that will teach them that, Hey,
the truth, the honest truth doesn't cut it. And so if you react badly right now,
all you're doing is just destroying emotional safety, even more.
So understand now, just accept that that's how she feels right now.
Humble yourself and accept that your partner doesn't love you right now,
and there's nothing you can say right now to convince her to logically convince
her otherwise because the feelings of love, emotions is a very emotional thing.
And you can use all the logical arguments that you want,
but all the logical arguments, we'll do nothing to transform her emotion.
In fact, you'll usually make it worse.
And also don't follow the advice of having the no contact rule. You know,
there's a lot of other coaches out there who say, you know,
if your partner doesn't love you anymore, then take away yourself, you know,
have the no contact rule and make her miss you again.
Make her want to come to you again.
But the problem here is not that she's not missing you.
The problem here is that there's so much baggage,
there's so much emotional healing that needs to take place,
that what she needs from you is not no contact.
What she needs from you is emotional healing.
And the second thing you must not do is to start fixing things.
So there's two ways that people fix things.
One is people start justifying themselves. So to tell their partner, like,
how can you not love me? I've done all these nice things for you. I've done a,
I've done B, I've done C, what can I do more?
So just start justifying themselves, hoping to fix the situation.
The second thing people do is they try to kind of come up with solutions to
become this coach and they want to come up with some solutions. So they say,
well, what should we do? What can I do? What can you do? Right?
So they start to come up with all these solutions.
But there are two problems with this approach.
One is that you know when you come to solutions right now,
both of you are on edge and the likelihood of having an argument is very,
very high right now.
And understand that if you have one more argument that's just going to kill
safety even more. The foundation's here even more.
And when you kill this foundations,
that one argument can make things a lot more hopeless and a lot more difficult
for you to recover from in the future.
And the second thing is that often you don't know what to fix because what
happens here is that you haven't talked about your problems enough.
Both of you have a lot of pent up feelings inside your hearts that you haven't
expressed. And so if you talk about solutions right now,
all you're going to talk about are the solutions that don't really matter
because neither of you really understand the situation as well as you should.
And it's just going to make the conversations a lot less efficient and very,
very frustrating.
And so the last thing you should do is to start fixing this thing right now.
Instead,
what you want to focus on is just simply healing your partner's emotional
baggage. And so again, understand right now that she doesn't love you,
she cannot love you because of all this emotional baggage.
And you need to heal that emotional baggage first before you can do anything
else. And again, you heal that emotional baggage not by fixing things,
but by simply letting her express herself and for you to simply understand and
listen to her express herself. And as I do this, another thing happens too,
which is that once you start listening to your partner,
you will realize a lot of the things that was killing the relationship.
You know, all this stuff that you didn't know about,
all of these gripes that you didn't know about,
you will start to understand that when you start to listen here and it lets you
understand the situation better and it lets you understand how to fix this
situation a lot better. So it has a lot of benefits. You know,
the expression here is not just emotionally healing for your partner,
but it helps you understand what you can do better as well.
And that's very crucial when you want to fix this relationship.
So how do you actually open your partner up? Well,
there's three things you can do.
So number one is you want to start in a nonverbal way usually.
So a lot of people,
when they try to start a conversation to start to understand or resolve this
issue, they instantly start talking.
They ask a bunch of assumptive questions and you start like this,
then it really gets people's guards up. And when people's guards are up,
they will close off.
So what you want to do is to simply walk over to your partner and simply hold
their hands or embrace them. And start there and stay there for five,
10 seconds or even a minute sometimes. And just let that warmth flow inside you.
You know when you have physical touch,
what happens is oxytocin gets released and oxytocin really coms normally you
down, but also your partner down as well.
And that really opens up people to express more of themselves.
And once you feel both of you calm down like this,
the second thing you want to do is to start with a very open ended question.
And a lot of people when they ask questions, they ask very assumptive questions.
So they ask like, uh, is it because I do this? Is it because I do X?
Is this what happened? Right? So those are questions for sure.
But those are really assumptions disguised as questions.
So what you want to do instead is ask the question like, Hey,
tell me how you're feeling. Tell me what you're thinking.
Tell me what's bothering you.
That's a very open ended question that allows your partner to start where it's
most painful. So all these pent-up stuff that she has,
she will kind of reach back into her mind.
And look at what is the most painful thing that I want to say right now.
And that's what she will say first. And once you say something,
then what you want to follow up with is what I call the repeat paraphrase or
clarify. And it just sounds like this. So if your partner says that she's angry,
all you're gonna say is, Oh, so you feel angry. Can you tell me more about that?
Can you say more about that? Oh,
so you feel like I don't care about this relationship anymore or you feel like
I'm a very difficult person to live with. Can you say more about that?
And as you keep repeating this,
you're discovering more and more and more of what is really bothering her.
What is really the seeds here that is causing her to say I don't love you
anymore.
And you might have to be in this phase of discovery and questioning for awhile.
So you might have to repeat that repeat paraphrase and clarify for awhile.
So I've had some instances with couples who have done it for three days
straight.
Some couples have done it for a week straight because depending on how much pent
up stuff you have, this process could take awhile.
But the most important thing is that you keep discovering.
So even though your partner says something that doesn't make sense or you don't
agree with, just keep discovering and deferred the solution for later.
Because what you want to do in right now is to simply understand things from her
perspective.
And you don't want to get into the solutions mode because her guard is still not
down.
She still has a lot of pent up stuff and once she has expressed all depended up
stuff, all the confusion you have,
all the district government you have usually goes away.
Because once you have this full picture, you realize, Oh,
I understand why my partner felt that way.
And you also have to realize here that your partner had a very good reason for
feeling the way she did. So if you don't understand,
if you're really confused still,
that means you still haven't understood the full extent of all that baggage.
So keep asking questions and keep being in discovery mode until you reach that
point. And three tips here to keep in mind is that you should never force a
conversation.
So you should always let your partner decide when and understand that as you
keep listening to her, as you keep giving her this emotional healing,
then she will want more and more of her attention because she will slowly
realize that Hey, talking to you and communicating with you is actually okay.
It doesn't end badly and I can express myself and actually feel better after
talking to you. And the second thing is focused on zero arguments.
You want to have no arguments at all,
so you simply want to ask those questions and just listen to your partner and
don't try to react and try to cause this argument by proposing a solution or
telling her how wrong she is and so on. Just simply listen again,
remember if you argue right now all you're doing is destroying emotional safety,
which will destroy this whole pillar again.
And the third tip is make sure that all conversations are in person.
So no calling, no texting.
If your partner calls or texts you saying she wants to chat,
then don't chat right there. Just say, Hey, when are you free to talk?
Can we talk tonight and defer to another time when both of you can be fully
present and fully present in the conversation and actually talk face to face,
belly to belly. And at some point when you discover more and more and more,
you will get to a point where you will totally understand.
You have this Eureka moment,
this lightning bolt hitting your head that will show you exactly, ah,
here's what's going wrong. Here's what I'm doing that's wrong.
Here's what's happening in the relationship that's really bad.
And they'll give you a lot of clues as to how to fix the relationship. And then,
and only then should you be talking about solutions and talking about what to do
next. But again, when you talk about what to do next,
you have to do it in the correct way. So again,
you want to download that four day training series to make sure that you have
all the details that you need. And slowly but surely as her emotions heal,
your partner will begin to solely get those feelings of love back for you and
that's the guarantee.
You just need to keep doing this and preventing the arguments from happening in
the first place and from you destroying emotional safety in the first place or
psychological safety. That's crucial and again,
if you want a detailed resource that will teach you how to create psychological
and emotional safety, which are the foundations of the relationship,
then you want to get access to my four day training series that will teach you
exactly how you can build that solid foundation in your relationship and making
sure that you have the right foundation for your relationship to really,
really thrive.
And this program is completely free and if you want to download it,
it's in the description box below this video.
And if you have a question or concern about your relationship,
then you also want to join our secret Facebook group where you can post your
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And I'd love to hear from you if you have any more questions or concerns that
are not addressed in this video.
Then leave a comment below and I'll try to respond to you as quickly as I can or
I try to make a new video out of your question. And as always,
thank you for watching this video and remember that you have the power to
transform the relationship by yourself.
And so don't ever underestimate your own power here, but bye for now.
And I'll see you in the next
video.