- Hello, love...
(Jessica laughs) - Sorry.
- No, that was sexy, continue!
- Trying to make myself look less ill.
- Oh, baby.
Claudia's not feeling her best today.
Hello, lovely people.
Today we are making an LGBTQ plus advice video.
In association with Switchboard,
a UK charity that provides calm when you need it most.
Switchboard is a confidential listening
and support service for anyone
who wants to talk about gender identity,
sexuality, sexual health, and emotional wellbeing.
They operate a telephone line,
instant messaging and email service 365 days a year.
This August, Switchboard are launching
a virtual Pride.
Because although in person Pride events
have been canceled due to COVID-19,
Pride is needed now more than ever.
Contacts to the helpline are up 35% compared to 2019.
And their IM and email contacts
are at the highest they've ever been.
So we're gonna be giving some much needed advice
that was submitted to our Instagram, @jessieandclaud.
Oh yeah, I should've done a thing like, hey,
if your new here, I'm Jessica, this is Claudia.
You should really subscribe to the channel
and follow us on Instagram, @jessieandclaud.
We each have our own Instagrams,
Jessica Out Of The Closet and CloudFoz.
- And we're married.
- We're married.
- And we live in a house.
- We do live in a house.
It's currently a building site.
Don't let whatever's behind us
lie to you.
- Well, I mean.
(Jessica laughs)
The magic of studio setups!
- Alright, we have a good range of questions here.
It's all anonymous, don't worry.
- Okay. - I will be sharing no names.
First section is coming out.
I would love some advice for coming out
when you're a bit older to family,
especially those who have demonstrated
they might feel negatively towards the news.
There's one basic rule with coming out.
- Is your family like your husband,
or is it your parents?
- There are so many different options here, Claudia.
Let's try and narrow them down.
I think that when coming out,
there is just one very basic rule.
And that is that if coming out is going to
in some way, negatively impact your safety,
whether that be physical safety, emotional safety,
mental safety, it is okay not to do it.
Don't feel like you have to come out
and thereby put yourself in a position
where you could be in danger.
Oh, financial safety. I didn't say that.
However, if you feel safe and secure enough to come out,
then you can do it on your own terms.
I think that's just the one ground rule, right?
Probably best to broach the subject
using some form of media.
Watch a movie with your family.
- Oh, okay.
- Where someone comes out and then be like, goodness,
how would we react as a family to this situation?
- And then your family might be like,
we know you're gay.
Or you could do what I did.
I mean, I wasn't actually trying to come out to anyone.
If you came into my bedroom,
you probably would've guessed.
I had all the Sarah Waters novels, I had like,
classy pictures of nude women on the walls.
What else was I doing?
I was watching The L Word all the time,
listening to Brandi Carlile...
I mean, all the signs were there.
- Yeah, I never actually came out to my family,
but I think they could have guessed
by the 162 pictures of Eliza Dushku I had on my wall.
It was a mural.
If you come out as teenager,
no one's really got any preconceived ideas
about who you date. - You don't have any history.
Yeah.
- Whereas if you come out in your 20s, 30s, 40s,
and older, they're like, but you dated that boy!
For 20 years!
- I mean, I came out when I was like 24
and I had had boyfriends
and a long-term relationship before.
And my dad's response to me was,
but you went out with so and so for that long.
I'm like, yeah.
And then my sister's response was, well,
one time when we just got drunk together,
she just like started crying and said,
that it was really sad because she had imagined us sharing,
family holidays together in the future.
- Which we still do that, by the way.
- Which we do anyway, but like, yeah.
They had both had this, yeah, like you said,
this vision for me in the future that then I'd changed.
And then they were both like,
that's not what we've seen in our heads.
If you're sure of yourself,
then you just have to make them realize that.
- Maybe you also don't need to be 100% sure.
Because it's okay to be slightly like, you know what?
Right now I'm just not straight.
I can't tell you whether I'm bisexual, gay, pansexual,
what, I'm just, I'm not straight.
That's coming out, too.
- I mean, I think that would have just blown my dad's mind
if I'd said something like that.
(they both laugh)
- Right. How to handle coexisting with homophobic family.
Well, as I said before, if you're not safe to come out,
don't come out, protect yourself at all costs.
However, if you are in a position
of quality or power, drop them!
You don't need homophobic friends in your life.
- Yeah. That's true.
If it's your friends.
It's different if it's your family
and you're a minor still living at home.
- Of course.
- But you know, what makes you think
that they're homophobic?
'Cause sometimes people say passing comments
that are homophobic, like in jest, you know,
or they think it's funny.
And actually on a deeper level, ooh there's a big fly.
Maybe they're not actually as homophobic
as you might fear them to be.
- Or as they come across, yeah.
So they might be repeating jokes
that they've heard somewhere else,
but it's not a true reflection of how they feel.
That's true.
Yeah. - You could find a YouTuber
who happens to be gay, who also does up cars.
- Or a race car driver. - Or whatever, yeah, exactly.
And you could just like subtly be like, oh,
these people like all the same things you like,
they just happen to be gay as well.
That's a good, and then that would, you know,
and then you'd find out maybe if they were
just a bit ignorant to things
and that was coming across as homophobic.
- I'm changing schools this year
and I want to start my new school
as out and not in the closet.
How do I do that?
I don't want to go around
and tell everybody the first thing I do,
but I still don't want them to be surprised
when I tell them since I've gotten bad reactions before.
Well, I changed schools many a time in my teenage years.
And I always found that the best thing to do
was reclaim words and take power from them.
So I went to a school where, before I joined,
they always used the word lesbian
as just an insult like, oh, she's a lesbian.
Didn't actually matter if the kid was gay or not.
However, when I came, everyone always asks you,
my experience, everyone always asks you about your dating.
Like, do you have a boyfriend? - Who do you fancy?
- Who do you like? What's going on?
Do you have a boyfriend in your old school?
And I was like, oh no, well, I'm gay but I'm single.
- Yeah, and just put it out there.
- I'm a lesbian, but I'm single, they were like, oh.
- Yeah, if you just don't make a big deal out of it.
Like it's a bit like when I start at new workplaces.
I mean, it's easier now that I'm married
because I can just be like, oh my wife.
But again, you just sort of throw it in.
- It's hard when you're single.
- You throw it in casually, yeah.
But when you're single, it is a bit harder.
Or, you could wear, you could put a rainbow pin
on your rucksack.
- And then the people who notice
are gonna be the ones that you want to notice.
- And then people think you're either just
an ally or maybe you align with one of those sexualities.
- Or you're a really happy person.
If you hold something as power and if you say it proudly,
then the idea that someone can hurt you with it,
isn't there so much.
Kids would like, yell lesbian at me,
I'd be like, yes. - But this is different.
'Cause you were very like confident, extrovert
and just like water off a duck's back with you.
I worry too much about what other people think all the time.
So I'd be in the same situation of like,
I just wish everyone knew I was gay.
And like, it wasn't a thing.
- But also that no one knew.
- Carry on with your life, maybe have subtle things
like, oh, I find her so attractive.
- Who's your celebrity crush?
- Yeah, who's your celebrity crush?
Yeah people with that kind of stuff,
so it might be a month before you actually outwardly say.
- Before the news gets out.
- Oh no, I'm actually gay.
And then like, you know,
just do it at your own pace is what I think.
If it was me, I would feel the same.
I wouldn't immediately tell people.
- That's fair, there's an important note,
the extrovert versus the introvert.
I'm very much, hello!
This is me!
- Jessica doesn't need to read the room.
She's like, this is me!
Accept it, do what you like with it!
I'm like, I wanna read every single individual here
and grasp how I think they're gonna react
before I tell them anything about myself.
- Hi, it's definitely the same day.
- Yeah.
- How to come out to an Asian family,
especially the extended family
who refuse to believe you are gay,
no matter how many times you've told them
to their face, and you're over 30.
- Oh God, yeah, that's kind of awkward, isn't it?
I mean, just be persistent.
Just keep saying, you know,
eventually they will be like, okay.
- How did you come out to your family?
Or did you just wait until I was around?
- I just wait until you were around, yeah.
- Oh I see! (she laughs)
- I've got an extended family,
I just took Jessica to Malaysia
and were like, this is my fiance.
And they were like, oh.
- A girl. And I will marry her.
- But some of them had already seen
on Facebook and things.
- Do it on social media. - Yeah, you know, family talk.
- Did you not tell anyone
before we announced it on social media?
- Extended family? - Yeah.
- No.
- Okay. You go for it.
I guess also are the great thing about social media
is that they can see how many other people are liking it.
- Then yeah can see like-
- And they're like, wow, this is amazing, congratulations.
- We didn't even know she was gay,
but if all their friends, like, you know,
you've got a hundred likes and then friends being,
oh, you guys are so cute together.
Then they're like, oh.
Especially if also then Julia was endorsing it,
my sister and been like, you know.
Maybe do it through food.
All Asian families like food.
You could just- - They do. (she laughs)
- Invite them all to a big sit down meal,
and just be like, this is my coming out party!
And then put on a really good spread of food.
And everyone's like, I mean, she gay,
but this is really good food.
(they both laugh)
- On dating.
I don't understand how you get women
to understand that you are flirting with them.
I have literally told some people
that I liked them to their face
and they don't get it, please help.
- I think we've both been in that situation.
I think unfortunately,
I think if you think that they don't understand,
like they're just not getting it,
it's probably because they don't fancy you
because- - And they're not going to.
- Yeah, 'cause if they did,
you know, have any inkling of,
they would've already been checking you out
or like they would, I just, I just think.
- Yeah, this is true. This is true.
Anything you say to me I'm like, oh, she's flirting!
- If you've already been looking at someone.
- Because I already like you.
I've had plenty of male friends
who thought we were having a conversation
where they told me how much they liked me
and I was just, like, yeah, dude, you're cool too!
Did not occur to me.
Because yes, unless you're actually interested yourself,
it just doesn't twig.
- Yeah, but now I feel like we've been a bit harsh.
- We are being harsh, I'm so sorry!
You're probably fantastic, you just need
to find the people who also believe
and know that you are wonderful.
What advice do you have for moving in together?
You and Claudia have very different styles
when it comes to home design,
how do you compromise and make sure all your needs are met?
- Oh, well we have really different styles.
- We're currently renovating our house, so.
- We have different styles in terms of what we wear,
our styles in our home are actually exactly the same.
Well, not exactly the same.
- Very similar, to the extent that
when we first moved into our first house together,
we had a housewarming party.
And all of my friends went around going,
wow, this house is so you, Jessica,
did you let Claudia have anything of her own?
Did she make any decisions?
- My friends went round and said that
they could see both of us.
- The thing we've most disagreed on,
I think, out of everything. - The sofa.
Is what sofa to get.
- Oh, I was going to say the windows.
- We've ordered a sofa now.
After- - Oh, yeah. (she laughs)
- Windows took us a few months to choose.
Like not even a few months, a week.
- The sofa, it's taken five years.
- Yeah.
Anyway, let's not start this argument again.
(they both laugh)
- We don't actually have arguments in our relationship
because we just see who is the most passionate
about the topic, and then the other one just goes, okay.
Never mind.
- Yeah, that's true.
Right, we kind of just listen to each other's point.
Like, we'll never just be like,
if someone says, I really, really like this,
the other one doesn't just go,
oh no, that's disgusting,
and dismiss it. - I don't like it that much.
- We're always a bit like,
why do you like that one so much?
Oh, because I like this bit,
and it really goes with this kind of style,
and I think it matches the color of this.
And then you pick something out that you like,
say, if you like the color of that
and you think it matches that,
what about this one?
It's a different style, maybe more to your taste,
but has the same sort of things that they like.
- It's they things they like. - And then you're both like,
hmm, and then you kind of look between the two
for a while, and then you're like, yeah,
let's go for that one instead.
- Compromise. - That's how we,
yeah, but it just happens really naturally.
I think the whole point is just
you're meant to communicate with each other
and not be dismissive of each other's-
- Never dismiss
someone else's feelings. - Likes and dislikes.
Yeah, just be like, okay, interesting.
- How do you ask or learn the sexuality of others?
I think you can bring up queer celebrities, TV shows.
- Yeah, that's a good idea, yeah.
Who's your favorite character in Sex Education?
- I mean, - Why?!
- I'm pretty sure cis-het people can like-
- Why was that your favorite character?
Did you feel like you related to that person?
- On what level?
- Maybe don't be too intense.
- Alright, next question.
There were a lot of these,
and they have been consolidated into,
can you talk about disability and sex?
And my answer as the person with the disability
is just be very open about your needs,
what you like and what you don't like,
which you should probably do
when you first have sex with anyone.
- I was gonna say, irrelevant of whether
you have a disability.
- Indeed.
Be more open about funny things
that your body might do.
Like, sometimes my hip dislocates.
That's not a nice thing for a person
to find out halfway through.
Probably tell them beforehand.
Or if you feel like it's about to happen,
FYI, my hip might dislocate in a minute.
- Maybe like, you can back me up,
but, I would say, it's probably quite good
to maybe explore your own body
before you maybe let someone else get involved with you.
Especially if you have a disability,
because then you know what positions
are more comfortable for you,
or what position maybe you get more pleasure in.
If you need to have aids to help you, you know,
with certain things.
So it's probably best that you feel quite confident
going into it or at least a little bit more aware
of yourself before allowing someone else
to feel like they're taking charge.
Or also, maybe that's the wrong word.
- No, no, it's okay, I get what you mean.
I also think,
and maybe this isn't like the most modern opinion,
but I always think that you shouldn't have sex with someone
unless you can have a full and open
and honest conversation about your needs.
Like, if you feel a bit embarrassed
talking to someone about, yeah,
I have this body thing and it does this
and you might find it a bit awkward,
then don't crush that down.
Tell them first, and then-
- Why is that old fashioned?
Because you don't believe in like, a one night stand?
- It's not that I don't believe in a one night stand,
it's that I think you don't want to be
caught in that position,
so you don't want to suddenly, something happen.
And then they're like, oh, that's weird.
Bye! And leave you with your dislocated hip.
So if you don't have an open and honest
line of communication with them,
how can you get things like consent?
Any couple, regardless of disability.
- Yeah, you know, my hip could dislocate.
Are you gonna just leave me?
Gonna be like, Foz,
it's never happened to me before, Christ!
- I don't know what it looks like from the outside,
this is really weird!
- Jessica feels very uncomfortable talking about sex.
- I do! I'm dying inside.
Oh, so the next question is,
did you ever find in past relationships
that your gender expression, femininity to masculinity
changed depending on who you were with?
- Mine does, I'm quite like, I'm very...
- Malleable.
- Malleable, sometimes I have, even now to this day,
I sometimes I'm a bit like, oh,
I'm having an identity crisis!
Because I'm like, what's my voice?
- Every six weeks. - What's my style?
Who am I?
And that's just who, I've just learned to accept
that that's just who I am.
And I have to have a good person
for me to feel comfortable.
But whoever I'm with
does strongly influence how I maybe express myself
and carry myself because I'm very influenced.
- Yeah.
I think at the start of our relationship,
you definitely fed a little bit off me.
- Well, yeah, because Jessica's always like
in dresses and things and her ex was way more femme,
and she did, she wasn't even,
you weren't even sure what you really wanted either,
so she kind of maybe projected
that she wanted me to be a bit more girly.
When I met her, I was still wearing a lot more dresses,
but I wore jeans and T shirts more,
but I still was wearing dresses and skirts, occasionally
and earrings and things like that.
And when I wore those things, Jessica would be like,
I really love it when you wear this dress,
or your dress, you look so pretty in this.
And then you bought me, I think you bought me a dress.
So I was just like, okay, I'll do it
because you know, you like me in it.
And I don't mind either way.
- When we were at home
and you were wearing clothes
that made you feel more comfortable.
There was definitely a response from me.
- Yeah, well, that's the thing.
I think if I was at home I would just
bung on my tracksuit bottoms and a jumper
or a hoodie or whatever.
- And I'd be like, oh my God,
you are so hot right now.
- So my choice of clothing, my choice,
when I'm not thinking about anything,
is just those things.
And then I think you realized I was more confident,
I carried my body in a different way.
- Okay, these two questions are kind of aligned.
I'm moving to a new city in a different country,
any tips on how to find other queer people?
And the next question is how to find
sober LGBTQ plus places.
So I kind of think those two are tied together.
- Well, there's other kind of apps.
When I first came to Brighton,
there's some apps called Meetup.
You can meet up with people through hobbies
or just like social events, like meet up for a coffee.
So that's already set up as more of a friend level.
- I think you can also explore other interests
that align with queer communities.
I mean, I'm being super stereotypical here, I realize, but.
- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
I was like, I don't want to say anything specific.
- Join a sports club.
- Roller, what's that called?
- Roller derby? - Roller derby, yeah.
- You trying to say roller derby? Roller derby.
- Climbing. - I don't think we have
roller derbys. - Climbing, I think is quite.
- Climbing, we've met a lot of lesbians who climb.
- I mean, they're not all gay, but.
- Really into that one.
- They've kind of got that more down to Earth
kind of thing about them. - So cool.
- Dating app.
You could be quite like open on them
and just like, I met some good friends
through just a dating app.
So you can make it kind of clear that,
that you would like to meet just more of like a,
hey, let's meet up.
If you kind of build up a bit of a rapport,
just chatting on the app, depending what app it is.
- Just because your date doesn't end
with a romantic connection doesn't mean
that you have to end that connection entirely.
What do I do when I don't want to answer questions
about being of the LGBTQ plus community,
but I don't want to discourage them from learning more?
Well, the wonder of the internet.
You can send people YouTube videos.
Thank you so much for watching,
and remember that this year Switchboard is celebrating
their 46th anniversary.
And they're open from 10:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.,
365 days of the year for your LGBTQ plus concerns.
Again, thank you so much for watching,
subscribe if you haven't already
and we will see you in our next video, bye bye!
- Bye!
- Oh, and if you were wondering, yes,
this is a face mask that I decided to wear as a headband,
so it could match my dress.
- That is clever!
- Yeah, so when you're out and about,
and then you suddenly need your face mask,
you just pull it down from your head.
Here it is, good to go!
- So clever.
(relaxed jazzy music)