- Hey I'm Nick Kroll.
I'm here at Buzzfeed,
and I am here to read your thirst tweets,
and I'm thirsty for them tweets.
(jazzy music)
- "My New Years Resolution is the make out with Nick Kroll."
This is from December 2012,
so (laughs) it worked.
I'm not gonna say who it is, but it worked.
"Nick Kroll is funny as (beep), but hot as hell."
I don't know why they have to be mutually exclusive.
"Yes I'm a girl.
"Yes I find Nick Kroll more attractive than Shawn Mendes.
"We exist."
(laughs) I don't.
I definitely think Shawn Mendes is hotter than me.
What if that was Camilla Cabello?
"I want Nick Kroll's beard to (beep) me."
Can I watch?
This is from 2015.
That was when my beard was in full effect,
and my beard ended up (beep) this person,
and then they ran off together,
and all I was left with was this scruff.
And they're very happy together, so what can I say?
"Nick Kroll is such a strange mix of beautiful,
"sexy and adorable."
I wrote that tweet.
"Now I'm not saying this is something I think about a lot,
"but Nick Kroll splitting his pants on Jimmy Kimmel Live
basically proves that Gil Faizon is thicc."
That's with a double c.
Yeah, it's true.
I got a big ol' romper, and I love it.
"I've been drinking and watching videos
"of Nick Kroll for hours.
"He's extra sexy when he uses the Hormone Monster voice."
Keep drinking, sweetheart.
Something that's so creepy about that.
Like if you don't know Big Mouth,
you just think I'm a total (beep) creep.
Or if you know Big Mouth then I'm still a (beep) creep.
"It's so damn cold in my house,
"but still number one on my brain
"is how badly I want to kiss Nick Kroll."
That's very flattering, but also like,
you should really get the heat looked at in your house.
You deserve warmth,
whether you make out with me or not.
"I want to make sweet love to Nick Kroll."
I want to make sour love to you.
Then we could have some sweet and sour sex.
Like a hot, asian soup.
"Nick Kroll, let me suck your toes."
(laughs) Okay, I'm here for it.
I'm here for you.
I'm like, all of a sudden, I'm like thinking about my toes.
Do I have a fungal infection?
I don't, so we're good.
And even if I did, maybe that's what you're into.
Like I want that fungal infection.
"Nick Kroll is my celebrity crush,
"and I don't care who knows."
I'm honored.
"One of my favorite things is that
"someone once cited Nick Kroll as their celeb crush
"because he keeps it tight,
"and now I will never, ever mention Nick Kroll
"without sidebarring that he keeps it tight."
I genuinely don't know what that means.
Like I don't know if it's physically, like
oh he's keep, I keep it tight?
Or like, I just keep,
I'm like, I'm constantly clenched?
Or I have a tight circle of friends around me?
And I would say all three are true.
"So it seems this sexual attraction to Nick Kroll
"isn't going away, and I have to say,
"I'm not mad about it."
Neither am I.
It would be a bummer if you were like,
I used to be attracted to Nick Kroll and now I'm not.
"Help, I wanna make out with John Mulaney and Nick Kroll
"at the same time."
This was written by Mike Birbiglia.
Mike, you can just tell us this in person.
You don't have to do it on Twitter.
"I've decided Nick Kroll is dirty hot
"in a way I could really get behind.
"Or rather, he could really get behind me."
I like that wordplay.
That's sweet, dirty hot.
Like a guy wears like a big,
like shearling jacket indoors,
that kind of dirty hot?
"Nick Kroll is attractive,
"but Nick Kroll in an apron hits differently."
At heart, I'm a homemaker,
and I think that's what people are attracted to.
"Nick Kroll got thicc lips and thicc hips."
That's thicc with two c's of course.
First time I've heard I have thicc hips,
but I'll take it.
I think I'm gonna become a Fashion Nova model.
Can you imagine all of sudden
if that was my vibe on Instagram?
In like yoga pants and like a weird tube top,
promoting Tummy Tea?
"Why does Nick Kroll lick his lips all the time
"when he could lick mine?"
I don't have access to your lips,
and I'm not insecure about your lips being dry.
"Watching the Kroll Show,
"I honestly can't tell who is more attractive:
"Nick Kroll dressed as a woman, or Jenny Slate?"
I'm assuming this is in reference to
me and Jenny in PubLIZity,
and I'll be honest, like yeah.
When I'm dressed as Liz, I'm a hot-ass (beep).
"Nick Kroll should host the #OscarsHost,
"and I'm not just being a kiss ass
"because I think he's hot as hell.
"I think he'd do great."
That's actually very nice,
because you know most of the time,
I get the gigs I get because of how attractive I am,
and not because of any of my comedic abilities.
So this means the world to me.
Unfortunately it did not work.
They so didn't want me,
and/or me and John to host the Oscars,
they have gone without a host.
That's how much they didn't want us to host the Oscars.
"Watching Oh Hello on Broadway.
"Nick Kroll and John Mulaney so sexy to me
"in old man costumes."
Thank you!
This was clearly not written by my girlfriend,
who does not find me,
I get it, like you don't wanna go to bed with someone who,
during the day, looks like an old man baby.
You know?
But this person does, and God,
you know God bless.
"I have a lot of dreams where I make out with Nick Kroll,
"and they're always a little weird,
"but my parents walking in on us making out
"is by far the weirdest.
"And this is a peek into my psyche, folks!"
It really is!
I only make out with people
when their parents can walk in the room.
Which makes it hard when you make out with someone
who have like old parents,
'cause then, they're like, you have to like figure out a way
to make out in their hospital.
And the look of shock and excitement
on that hospital bedridden, old parent's face,
is what turns me on the most.
"Nick Kroll can suck my (beep) any day." (laughs)
Honestly, thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Because like some people wanna suck,
they only want you to suck their (beep) certain days,
so the idea that this person wanted me to
suck their (beep) any day, leaving that option open for me
and what works with my schedule?
I'm very grateful.
"OMG, Nick Kroll, Thank You Very Cool is so funny.
"This guy is so funny, I wanna (beep) him.
"Which is odd, so hilarious it gets me horny."
Little smiley face, "lol."
This tweet is from 2011,
so I guess I missed the boat on that one.
That was the one person that watched "Thank You Very Cool"
my special on Comedy Central. (laughs)
I'm grateful.
"Hey Hulu, how many episodes of Kroll Show
"do I need to watch before I have a weird sexual thing
"for Nick Kroll?
"Oh just one?"
I think this person knew the answer to this question
before they wrote this.
"Nick Kroll, let's go smoke a bowl,
"and then you can suck my mole,
"maybe lick my hole." (laughs)
Not only is this person a talented rhymer,
but they know what they want.
"Nick Kroll is so hot to me.
"(beep) Why can't I be 35 and in the industry
"so I can hit on him?"
35 is an appropriate age for me to date,
but in the industry?
I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
are you in the industry?
You're not?
Then you can't hit on me.
"I would let Nick Kroll eat my (beep)."
Thank you.
Before I eat anyone's ass, I get their consent.
Hey kids out there, if you're trying to eat ass,
make sure to find out if that person wants you
to eat that ass.
"Whenever I look at Nick Kroll,
"my monkey brain goes horny caveman like,
"you know that man would suck hog like a mad man."
But I like that it's "my monkey brain goes horny caveman."
So it's the evolution where the monkey is becoming the man,
and that's when this person is like,
I want Nick Kroll to suck that (beep).
Nick Kroll says nothing,
and then "Me" this person says,
"(beep) me, (beep) me, (beep) me, (beep) me, (beep) me,
"(beep) me, (beep) me."
I'm mean, I'm gonna be honest,
I would like a little more say in the matter.
You're taking away my voice,
and I think for a great sexual relationship,
there needs to be some back and forth.
"Nick Kroll makes my bussy tingle."
Yeah I've heard that before.
Bussy.
I know I've,
'cause I've watched a few of these videos,
a couple of the dudes come in and their like,
bussy?
What's a bussy?
And I'm like, oh no it's a bussy,
and I know what it is. (laughs)
The Ladybug on Big Mouth loves talking about bussy.
In fact, there are people with the Ladybug tattoo,
and it says bussy on it.
The idea that someone would (laughs)
put that on their skin permanently makes my bussy tingle.
I'm Nick Kroll, and this has been thirst tweets,
and boy have they been thirsty.
You can watch me in "Olympic Dreams"
on demand and theaters right now.
(jazzy music)