Come on game,
Just let me play.
Let's just go-
o- oh, joining!
Nope.
Come on you fucking piece of shit, you-
Here we go, this is a good match.
One guy with three bots.
Alright everybody, let's team up on the only actual guy.
[snickering]
Got em'. This game is fucking awesome.
The fuck? How you all gonna team up on me?
Bulllshit. No, this is stupid!
This game is fucking stupid.
Hahaha! Jackie Chan!
You cannot face me.
Oh shit!
Ooh, is getting interesting now.
Alright, everybody kill em'.
Every- [laughing]
Finally, a fair fight.
Now it's getting interesting.
Huh?
What is this?
Is this a feature?
Oh, it's that.
Fool! [laughs]
You cannot-
Are you fucking kidding me? What-
Who makes this?
[dramatic sound]
I am just blowing this guy's mind right now.
I-I'm just holding up on the analog stick, man.
See what I'm saying?
It beats the whole game for you, look.
They give me the spaghetti sauce right off the bat.
Now sh-
Spagehetti
Spaghetti (x2)
Spaghetti (x3)
Spaghetti Punch!
Told you guys, this game is fucking easy.
Spaghetti throw!
De Santis is down!
Spaghetti Punch!
Spaghetti Punch! (x2)
Mission complete.
"Are you in any way retarded, mister?"
"You need to tell me right now."
"Y-" [splat]
Yeah.
I'm retarded.
WOMAN: "There's a strange man carrying a weapon."
AGENT: "Do we have a description?"
WOMAN: "Bald guy, white, scary eyes."
WOMAN: "He was in a white buttoned shirt and black trousers."
AGENT: "Stay here, it's safe. I got this."
DUNKEY: [snickers]
AGENT: "Command, this is Big Dog, do you copy?"
No no no no.
This guy looks fucking stupid.
There we go. Now he's fixed.
Dammit, Richard be careful with that.
Oh, now look what you did.
Now look what you did.
[laughing] He's got a fucking big spear coming out of his-
Okay, he's got bigger issues now.
SNEAKYADOLF: "Dunkey, press E on the dodo."
DUNKEY: What is this, a chicken?
DUNKEY: Thank you, man.
DUNKEY: This guy is adorable, I love him.
SNEAKYADOLF: "I-I'm so glad you like it." DUNKEY: Yeah, man.
SNEAKYADOLF: "It took twelve hours." DUNKEY: Wow.
DUNKEY: Alright, let's cook him up. [laughing]
SNEAKYADOLF: "No! My precious!"
Wow.
Looks just like Yooka-Laylee!
If it was made by a fucking...
...six-year-old.
NARRATOR: "Press WASD," DUNKEY: Oh, that's cool.
NARRATOR: "same stuff as always to move around," DUNKEY: This guy talks over the entire game.
NARRATOR: "and mouse to look around or use left-" DUNKEY: That's-that's a nice feature added.
NARRATOR: "Press the space bar" DUNKEY: -fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
NARRATOR: "or the A button to jump." DUNKEY: Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
NARRATOR: "Press Caps Lock on the keyboard," DUNKEY: Who the fuck wants to watch some fucker
NARRATOR: "or Select on a controller," DUNKEY: talk over a video game?
NARRATOR: "and click on DJembe the meerkat."
DUNKEY: That's not who that is.
NARRATOR: "DJembe is so light-"
Good news, guys.
He stopped talking now
and now I can concentrate
on how fucking ASS this gameplay is.
Assuming Yooka-Laylee is a big,
open, empty nothing of a game,
it will be three hundred times better
because it doesn't have this mother fucker
talking over the whole
FUCKING-
NARRATOR: "In this beautiful world," DUNKEY: Look who came back!
NARRATOR: "you will have to find more than..." DUNKEY: [splutters]
NARRATOR: "...twenty golden ingots." DUNKEY: SH-SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WOMAN: "The game is now done."
DUNKEY: When I first came to you,
I was but the learner.
Now I am a
fucking DINOSAUR in Star Wars.
Darth Tyrannus.
You're gonna have to shoot better than that
to shoot me, kid!
[laughs]
Jump down here.
See what happens.
PADAWAN: "Oh shit." DUNKEY: [laughing]
PADAWAN: [screaming in pain] DUNKEY: Not like that, though.
PADAWAN: "I'm getting the hang of it."
PADAWAN: "This jump, over here..." DUNKEY: There you go.
DUNKEY: Yup.
DUNKEY: Nope.
DUNKEY: That's wrong.
PADAWAN: [screaming in agony] DUNKEY: [laughing]
PADAWAN: "Alright, I'm coming up."
DUNKEY: [fanfare]
PADAWAN: "Thank fucking god"
PADAWAN: "This took so fucking long, dude." DUNKEY: You did it.
DUNKEY: You did it, man.
DUNKEY: Now get the fuck outta here.
DUNKEY: Don't you ever come back.
PADAWAN: [screaming] DUNKEY: [laughing]
PADAWAN: "What was THAT shit!?"
DUNKEY: Okay, just stay there fluppy?
DUNKEY: Bye-bye.
HAN CHOLO: "What!?"
DUNKEY: Nonononononono.
DUNKEY: W-w-w-w-w-whoawhoawhoa.
DUNKEY: Nonono-whoawhoawhoa- [laughing]
HAN CHOLO: "What?" DUNKEY: God dammi-
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fu-
Are you fucking kidding-
Are you fu-
Are you fucking-
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fu-
You fucking ki-
Fuckin-
Are you fucking kidding me?
Now this one is even harder than Donkey Kong.
Because in this one, you only get one life.
Then it's over.
Then I-I guess you have to restart the whole game.
So you gotta be careful.
You really gotta-
"I don't feel too well..."
[dies]
Aw fuck.
That it?
Oh, there's continues.
[click]
Okay, here w...
huh?
"J-Jermaine?"
"Oh my god!"
"Well, there was nothing we could have done."
"Let's just hope the cops get the bastard who did this."
"Right." DUNKEY: Can I play now?
Do I get to play anymore?
"You're hereby under arrest for the murder of Jermaine Neilsson."
Yeahhh!
"I swear, he just walked into me and then fell down dead!"
"I didn't do nothin'!" DUNKEY: Yeah fucking right.
Tell it to the judge.
Alright, let's restart now.
[barely stifling laughter]
There's no, uh... there's no continue button anymore.
Can I refresh maybe?
Get to p-
[laughing]
DUNKEY: Ah, yes.
It appears we are on a...
...a pirate ship of sorts.
Ah, yes.
It appears we've been fired upon...
...by another pirate ship!
Ah, yes.
Don't worry, boys.
This is an unsinkable ship.
Just like the Titanic.
CAPTAIN: "Well..."
CAPTAIN: "It's not gay if you're at sea for several days."
CAPTAIN: "And you need some companionship."
Ah, yes!
It appears we've been boarded by another ship!
[slurps] Aah, yes.
It appears pirates are coming on board
and killing all of us!
Interesting indeed!
[ ♪ Snake Eater from MGS 3 ♪ ]
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how can I help you?"
DUNKEY, SINGING TO THE MELODY: ♪ I'm ordering pizza toniiiight ♪
"What a thrill..."
♪ I'm ordering from Papa John's... ♪
"No, this is Pizza Hut."
"What a fear in my heart..."
"But you're sooooo"
"supre-e-e-eme"
"♪ I'd give my liiiiiiife ♪"
"♪ Not for honor ♪"
Smoke break.
Why did the guards...
...cross the bridge?
To get to the HELL on the other side!
[laughs]
I'll be here all week, ladies and gentlem-
Aw fuck.
What button is it again? Can I ju-
Well, it's not circle.
[with Australian accent] Gotta be careful, mate.
Crocodiles all over this swamp-
POW!
Fucking mother fucker croc-
Wait a minute, I'm a genius.
I just put this on.
The guards see me, they go, "Oh."
"That's just some black guy."
How the FUCK did they see me?
Doesn't make any sense.
Impossible!
He's back!
Night-night.
Good night.
Night-night time.
Naptime.
Good night.
Bye-bye.
What's this?
What, are you hungry?
Here, eat this.
[muffled explosion]
[cracking up]
♪ I Wanna Take You For a Ride ♪
Is this it?
Is this the entire game?
Can you at least pet the dogs?
[dog barking] [dog whining]
Nope.
At least it's better than WATCH_DOGS 1.
[ ♪ Outro: Sonic R - Menu ♪ ]