>>> THERE’S NO SECRET FORMULA TO A PERFECT MARRIAGE.
EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT.
EVERY COUPLE IS DIFFERENT.
>> BUT THERE ARE THINGS YOU AND
YOUR PARTNER CAN DO TO TRY TO
KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY
AND HAPPY.
AND HAPPY. WE DECIDED WE SHOULD CALL ON THE
EXPERTS TO SHARE THEIR TIPS.
>> JOHN GORDON IS THE
BEST-SELLING AUTHOR OF "THE
POWER OF A POSITIVE TEAM."
>> KAREN IS A MOTIVATIONAL
SPEAKER AND FOUNDER OF WITH
ENTHUSIASM.
ENTHUSIASM. AND GEORGE JAMES IS THE PROGRAM
DIRECTOR OF THE COUPLE AND
FAMILY THERAPY PROGRAMS IN
THOMAS JEFFERSON UNIVERSITY.
WELCOME.
WELCOME. >> WELCOME, EVERYBODY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> LET’S DIVE RIGHT IN.
YOU WERE SAYING THAT SOMETIMES
IT’S IMPORTANT TO HAVE DIFFICULT
CONVERSATIONS.
CONVERSATIONS. I THINK OFTEN YOU’RE LIKE --
>> WE USUALLY AVOID THEM.
>> WE’LL DISCUSS IT LATER.
KICK THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD.
YOU SAY GET RIGHT IN.
>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS.
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS. WE SO OFTEN DON’T WANT TO HAVE
THEM BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO
ROCK THE BOAT.
THEN YOU NEVER MOVE FROM LIKE TO
LOVE, FROM COMMUNICATION TO
CONNECTION TO COMMITMENT.
WHEN YOU HAVE THOSE
CONVERSATIONS, YOU CAN’T
CRITICIZE THE OTHER PERSON.
YOU HAVE TO CONSTRUCT AND BUILD
UP.
UP. DON’T BREAK DOWN.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY. SPEAK THE TRUTH IN THE SPIRIT OF
LOVE.
LOVE. >> KAREN, YOU TALK ABOUT THIS.
I THINK WE ALL DO THIS.
WE TAKE OUR PROBLEMS FROM WORK,
WALK IN THE DOOR --
>> WITH THEM.
>> YEAH, THEY’RE ON OUR BACKS.
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE IT’S
UNAVOIDABLE IN A WAY.
>> YOU DO.
THIS IS THE SCOURGE OF OUR
TIMES.
TIMES. ANXIETY IS ABSOLUTELY PREVALENT
IN SOCIETY.
IN SOCIETY. IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL.
WE’RE BOMBARDED ALL THE TIME.
IT’S VERY EASY TO COME HOME AND
SAY, I’M JUST GOING TO FWIFGIVE
ALL OF THIS TO DEAL WITH.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE BEEN AT HOME
ALL THE TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN,
TO SAY, HERE, TAKE IT NOW.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I
LIKE TO SAY IS MIND YOUR MIND
SET.
SET. TAKE SOME TIME BETWEEN THE
DAYTIME AND THE TIME YOU COME
BACK TOGETHER AS A COUPLE.
WHETHER YOU CAN JUST TAKE 20
MINUTES OFF AND MEDITATE, STAY
IN YOUR CAR, LISTEN TO A
PODCAST, HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE,
TAKE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.
JUST SHAKE IT OFF.
THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU DON’T GET
TO COME HOME AND SAY, HERE’S HOW
MY DAY WENT.
>> YOU STILL SHARE THE DAY.
>> INSTEAD, IT’S I’M NOT DUMPING
ALL THIS ON YOU.
>> GEORGE, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO
ADD TO THAT?
>> ONE OF THE THINGS I ENCOURAGE
COUPLES TO THINK ABOUT IS THE
RULE OF DISTANCE.
THAT’S THE BIGGEST ENEMY, I
THINK.
THINK. WE LET WORK, OUR CHILDREN,
MONEY, SEX, BAD COMMUNICATION
GET IN THE WAY OF OUR
RELATIONSHIP.
RELATIONSHIP. SO WE HAVE TO FIND WAYS TO MAKE
SURE THAT WE STAY, AS YOU SAY,
CONNECTED BECAUSE WHEN WE DON’T,
IT JUST LEAVES ROOM FOR THE END
OF THE RELATIONSHIP OR
RESENTMENT, WHICH I SEE A LOT OF
PEOPLE GO THROUGH.
>> I THINK THAT’S SUCH A BIG
ONE.
ONE. YOU DON’T EVEN REALIZE IT’S
HAPPENING.
HAPPENING. YOU DECIDE, I’VE GOT A LOT TO
DISCUSS.
DISCUSS. I’M SO TIRED, WE’LL TALK ABOUT
IT TOMORROW.
IT TOMORROW. IT’S A CRACK.
THEN A CRACK BECOMES A CANYON.
YOU’RE LIKE, HOW DID WE GET TO
THIS PLACE?
THIS PLACE? SO HOW DO YOU, YOU KNOW --
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE THAT’S
THE WAY LIFE GOES.
YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE KIDS,
TALKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
>> IT’S CLICHE, BUT I SEE IT
OVER AND OVER IN MY OFFICE WHERE
CLIENTS COME IN AND THEY’RE NOT
SPENDING TIME TOGETHER.
THEY’RE NOT HAVING THAT COUPLE
TIME.
TIME. I’M NOT JUST SAYING ANY ORDINARY
COUPLE TIME.
COUPLE TIME. I MEAN INVESTED TIME WITH YOUR
PARTNER WHERE YOU GET TO KNOW
THEM.
THEM. >> IT DATE NIGHT ENOUGH?
>> I DON’T THINK SO.
MY WIFE AND I, WE TAKE WALKS
TOGETHER.
TOGETHER. WE PRAY IN BED TOGETHER BEFORE
WE GO TO SLEEP.
THAT HAS BEEN HUGE.
WE WERE STRUGGLING YEARS AGO.
WE STARTED SAYING THIS PRAYER
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.
>> WHAT WAS IT?
>> GOD, WE INVITE YOU INTO OUR
MARRIAGE, TO LOVE US, TO UNITE
US, TO HEAL US, AND TO
STRENGTHEN US SO WE CAN GO
STRONGER TOGETHER AND SERVE YOU
TOGETHER.
TOGETHER. >> THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.
>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, KAREN?
ANYTHING ELSE?
ANYTHING ELSE? >> I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.
I’M TAKING THAT.
I’M TAKING THAT HOME WITH ME I
LOVE IT SO MUCH.
I COMPLETELY AGREE.
I ALSO FIND THAT THE MOST
SUCCESSFUL COUPLES THAT I’VE
EVER SEEN IN COACHING ARE THE
ONES WHO DON’T JUST PLAY
TOGETHER BUT ARE ACTUALLY
INVESTED IN EACH OTHER’S LIVES.
THEY TAKE A DEEP, FUNDAMENTAL
INTEREST IN EACH OTHER’S WORK,
NO MATTER WHAT THAT WORK IS.
THAT KIND OF GROWTH THAT YOU
EXPERIENCE TOGETHER IS VERY HARD
TO UNTANGLE FROM.
>> WHAT IF YOU’RE WITH THE WRONG
PERSON?
PERSON? SOMETIMES YOU ARE.
>> I’M DIVORCED, I KNOW.
>> SO WHAT ADVICE THERE?
SOMETIMES YOU TRY ALL THOSE
THINGS AND REALIZE, WOW, MAYBE
THIS ISN’T RIGHT.
>> I BELIEVE THAT IT
FUNDAMENTALLY COMES DOWN TO THE
INTENTION WITH WHICH YOU GOT
MARRIED.
MARRIED. MANY OF US HAVE WALKED INTO
MARRIAGES FROM THE WRONG PLACE.
SOMETIMES THAT’S INCURABLE.
IT’S OKAY.
IT’S OKAY. IT’S FINE TO UNDERSTAND THAT
THIS IS AN IMPASSE.
THEN PLAYING TOGETHER, FINDING
AN INTEREST IN EACH OTHER’S
LIVES IS GOING TO BE COMPLETELY
ARTIFICIAL.
ARTIFICIAL. IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE LOVE FIRST.
>> JOHN, YOU TALKED ABOUT TOO
MANY COUPLES COMPETE WITH ONE
ANOTHER.
ANOTHER. TELL US ABOUT THAT.
>> IT’S NOT ABOUT COMPETING.
IT’S ABOUT COLLABORATING.
IT’S ABOUT CONNECTING AND
COMMITTING.
COMMITTING. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE COMMITMENT
WITHOUT CONNECTION.
WITHOUT CONNECTION. SO DON’T COMPETE.
WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THE
MARRIAGE BETTER.
MARRIAGE BETTER. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.
IT’S ABOUT WE.
WHEN YOU FOCUS ON THE
RELATIONSHIP FIRST AND THE
MARRIAGE FIRST, THEN YOU BOTH
GET STRONGER IN THE PROCESS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT ONE BEING BETTER
THAN THE OTHER.
BE BETTER TOGETHER.
>> YOU GUYS, THANK YOU.
>> APPRECIATE IT.
>> I FEEL BETTER, YES.
THAT WAS GOOD.
TOMORROW WE’RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT SECRETS TO A GOOD SEX LIFE
AND HOW IT COULD IMPROVE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP.
RELATIONSHIP. >> WE’RE GOING TO BE BACK RIGHT
AFTER THIS.