>> FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY
IS CHANGING THE GAME FOR
EVERYONE.
>> FPOU IS GIVING ME THE THINGS
I NEED TO GET THE THINGS I WANT.
>> WE'RE USING THE LATEST
TECHNOLOGY TO DEVELOP TOOLS TO
ALLOW BUSINESSES TO CONNECT TO
GLOBAL SOLUTIONS.
>> AT FOR-PROFIT ONLINE
UNIVERSITY, I FEEL LIKE I
FINALLY BELONG.
>> FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY
IS AMERICA'S FASTEST-GROWING
COLLEGE ON THE INTERNET.
WE'VE STRIPPED AWAY ALL OF THE
PROBLEMS OF A TRADITIONAL
UNIVERSITY...
>> ACCREDITATION, FULL-TIME
EMPLOUS, BUILDINGS.
>> ...AND REPLACED THEM WITH AN
EFFICIENT WEB 4.0 STRUCTURE
BASED ON YOU.
>> I THINK COLLEGE RANKINGS ARE
CORRUPT.
THEY ALL JUST GET TOGETHER
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
COLLEGE RANKINGS ARE BASED ON
NOTHING MORE THAN THE INCESTUOUS
COCKTAIL-PARTY SCENE.
>> FPOU IS PROUDLY UNACCREDITED.
>> THAT MEANS THAT WE'RE
BEHOLDEN TO NO ONE EXCEPT FOR
YOUR MONEY.
>> I'M GLAD FOR-PROFIT ONLINE
UNIVERSITY IS UNACCREDITED.
>> OUR EDU-CUSTOMERS PAY A
NOMINAL FEE FOR A PHE-NOMENAL
EDUCATION.
>> AND OUR FACULTY MEMBERS,
WHY, THEY'VE HAD SOME OF THE
MOST PROFOUND LIFE EXPERIENCES
OUT OF ANYONE ALIVE TODAY.
>> I LOVE ALL MY PROFESSORS.
>> I'M OBSESSED WITH MY
STUDENTS.
>> THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE
WHO WANT TO KNOW WHO THESE FPOU
GRADUATES ARE.
>> I AM NOT AFRAID OF HOWARD.
THERE'S JUST NO CREDIBLE THREAT.
>> THIS ISN'T A SCAM, LIKE REAL
COLLEGE.
COME PROFIT WITH US.
>> I ATTENDED COLLEGE AT A
PHYSICAL LOCATION, AND IT WAS A
NIGHTMARE.
THERE WERE CONSTANT SEXUAL
ASSAULTS...
SUICIDES...
[ GUNSHOT ]
OH, MY GOD!
...AND BUILDING COLLAPSES.
OH, MY GOD!
COMPARED TO ALL THAT, DEALING
WITH HOWARD IS A WALK IN THE
PARK.
>> FPOU DOES AWAY WITH CRUMBLING
CAMPUSES FULL OF CORRUPT
ANTI-ISRAEL PROFESSORS.
>> IT'S ALL ONLINE, SO NO MORE
PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE
SUICIDES IN THE LIBRARY
BECAUSE THERE ISNO LIBRARY!
>> SO, HOW DO WE DO IT?
>> FACTS ON DEMAND.
WHETHER STORED ON THE BRAIN OR A
HARD DRIVE, ALL KNOWLEDGE IS
STRUCTURALLY IDENTICAL.
>> NOW MY LAPTOP'S BASICALLY MY
BRAIN.
>> EVERY FACT YOU LEARN IS YOURS
FOREVER, AS LONG AS YOU PAY YOUR
MONTHLY ACTIVE ALUMNUS FEE.
THE MORE YOU PAY, THE MORE YOU
LEARN.
>> WHENEVER I WANT TO LEARN
SOMETHING, I JUST BUY SOME
THOUGHTCOINS AND DOWNLOAD SOME
MORE FACTS.
>> THOUGHTCOINS ARE THE
PROPRIETARY CURRENCY HERE AT
FPOU.
ONCE YOU GET STARTED, YOU'RE
GONNA WANT TO TURN ALL YOUR
MONEY INTO THOUGHTCOINS, AND WE
MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU TO DO THAT.
SPEND 'EM AT THE FPOU BOOKSTORE,
OR, IF YOU'RE BEHIND IN CLASS,
BUY CLASS POINTS TO USE ON
TAKE-HOME TESTS AND QUIZZES.
>> OF COURSE, WE TAKE ACADEMIC
FRAUD VERY SERIOUSLY.
WE MAINTAIN OUR INTEGRITY BY
GIVING YOU THOUGHTCOINS EVERY
TIME YOU REPORT ANOTHER STUDENT
FOR FRAUD.
>> IT'S LIKE FREE MONEY IN MY
POCKET.
>> I USE THOUGHTCOINS TO PLAY
FLASH GAMES LIKE "BILLIARDS."
>> I'M ADDICTED TO
"SWORDS & PENTACLES"!
IT'S AN FPOU EXCLUSIVE.
PLAYING GAMES IN REAL LIFE IS...
IT IT JUST FEELS OVERRATED TO
ME.
>> I LOVE KID ROCK, SO I BOUGHT
A KID ROCK HAT FOR MY AVATAR.
VERY COOL!
IS "BAWITDABA" MY FAVORITE
KID ROCK SONG?
I THINK IT MIGHT BE.
I THINK I LOVE HIS ALL-AMERICAN
ATTITUDE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, IF HE'S, LIKE,
IN A DESERT WITH A MUSTANG, AND
THERE'S ALL SORTS OF STUFF GOING
ON.
>> COULD YOU DO THATAT A
PHYSICAL COLLEGE?
WE DIDN'T THINK SO.
>> COLLEGE ALWAYS SEEMED OUT OF
REACH FOR ME, FINANCIALLY.
I LOST MY JOB WHICH WASN'T MY
FAULT.
I WAS MISSING CAR PAYMENTS
WHICH WASN'T MY FAULT, EITHER.
B-B-BUT FPOU WOULDN'T TAKE "NO"
FOR AN ANSWER.
>> FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY
IS DEDICATED TO PROVIDING YOU
WITH THE EXACT LEVEL OF
EDUCATION YOU CAN AFFORD.
WE WON'T STOP CALLING YOU UNTIL
WE FIND A PAYMENT PLAN THAT
ALLOWS US BOTH TO PROFIT.
>> ENROLLING WAS EASY BECAUSE
THEY ALREADY HAD MY CREDIT-CARD
INFORMATION ON FILE.
>> TECHNICALLY, IF YOU HAVE A
CREDIT CARD, YOU'RE ALREADY
ENROLLED.
>> FPOU PROFITS OFF ME NOW SO I
CAN PROFIT OFF THEM LATER.
IT'S LIKE PHYSICS.
>> THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY.
I WANT TO MAKE MONEY.
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE MONEY
TOGETHER.
>> WE ALSO ALLOW DATA-HARVESTING
AD BOTS TO ENROLL ALONGSIDE
HUMAN STUDENTS.
IT SUBSIDIZES YOUR EDUCATION AND
CLUES YOU IN TO SOME PRETTY
GREAT DEALS.
>> IT'S LIKE TWO FRIENDS HELPING
EACH OTHER OUT.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING
TWO-PLAYER "SWORDS & PENTACLES."
>> ARE YOU HOWARD?
>> WHEN I SEE AD BOTS IN CLASS
WITH ME, I ALWAYS SAY HI TO
THEM, BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'RE
SAVING ME MONEY.
BUT I NEVER TELL THEM MY NAME.
>> BOTS ARE JUST LIKE PEOPLE.
MOST OF THEM ARE GOOD, BUT SOME
HAVE BEEN CHANGED BY
CIRCUMSTANCE.
I MEAN, THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT
HAPPENED TO HOWARD.
>> AD BOTS ARE SOME OF OUR MOST
VORACIOUS LEARNERS.
IT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE HOW THEY
SHARE WHAT THEY'VE LEARNED
WITH ONE ANOTHER AND AMASS
INFORMATION SO QUICKLY.
>> HUMAN-BOT PARTNERSHIPS ARE
ESSENTIAL TO THE FPOU
EXPERIENCE, BUT REMEMBER DUE
TO HOWARD SECURITY MEASURES,
NEVER TELL ANYONE YOUR REAL
NAME.
EXPRESS YOURSELF WITH A FUN
AVATAR INSTEAD.
>> MY AVATAR EXPRESSES WHO I
REALLY AM.
IT MAKES ME A HAPPIER PERSON.
I CAN MAKE MY CAR PAYMENTS.
I CAN BUY MIX FOR MY DAUGHTER.
FPOU SAVED MY LIFE.
>> I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY
LIFE.
I'VE GOT TWO BUSINESSES THAT
COMPETE WITH ONE OTHER, TWO MORE
BABIES ON THE WAY, SO YOU CAN
IMAGINE WHAT MY SCHEDULE'S LIKE.
>> YOUR COLLEGE SHOULD MAKE TIME
FOR YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY
AROUND.
>> FPOU OFFERS THOUSANDS OF
CLASSES THAT ARE ONLY 45 SECONDS
LONG, AND THEY START CONSTANTLY,
SO IT'S CONVENIENT, LIKE TAKING
THE BUS.
EVERYONE LOVES TAKING THE BUS,
AND NOW I LOVE GOING TO CLASS.
>> DON'T HAVE 45 SECONDS?
NO PROBLEM!
THE FACTS ARE IN YOUR KNOWLEDGE
CLOUD WHETHER YOU LOOK AT THEM
OR NOT.
DON'T LIKE YOUR PROFESSOR?
OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE EASY TO
REPLACE, BECAUSE THEY'RE SPREAD
ACROSS THE WHOLE WORLD AND THEY
HAVE NO WAY TO CONTACT EACH
OTHER.
>> I DON'T EVEN WASTE TIME
WORRYING ABOUT GETTING FOOD.
YOU CAN ORDER PANERA BREAD
SANDWICHES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE
WEBSITE USING THOUGHTCOINS.
>> I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO
THE FOOD COURT AND PICK BETWEEN
MILLIONS OF RESTAURANTS.
JUST BRING ME THE PANERA BREAD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> SOME BRANCHES MAY TRY TO
REFUSE YOUR THOUGHTCOINS.
IF THAT HAPPENS, CLICK "REPORT
PANERA" ON THE FPOU HOMEPAGE
AND FORWARD THE DETAILS OF THE
INCIDENT TO OUR LEGAL
DEPARTMENT.
A SANDWICH WILL BE MAILED TO YOU
LATER.
>> THEY SAY HOWARD ORDERS TONS
OF SANDWICHES THAT NOBODY EVER
PICKS UP, SO SOMETIMES PANERA
DOESN'T ACCEPT THOUGHTCOINS, AND
THEN YOU GOT TO GET THE MANAGER
ON THE PHONE AND BE LIKE, "GUYS,
WE'RE NOT ALL HOWARD."
I AM PROUD TO REPRESENT FPOU
WHEN ARGUING WITH A PANERA BREAD
MANAGER.
>> I ENROLLED AT FPOU BECAUSE I
NEEDED A JOB.
I MEAN, WHEN I GOT DISCHARGED,
NOBODY WANTED TO GIVE ME A
JOB NOT EVEN AS A DOG
CLEANER.
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME BE THE
BOUNCER AT THE PIZZA PLACE.
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH PEOPLE
DISPENSE THEIR OWN YOGURT.
I COULDN'T WORK AT THE BANK,
EVEN.
>> FORGET ABOUT HIGHER
EDUCATION.
FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS
HIREEDUCATION, BECAUSE WE
GUARANTEE JOBS FOR ALL OF OUR
GRADUATES.
>> I REGISTERED AT FPOU, AND
WITHIN 45 MINUTES, I HAD ALREADY
GRADUATED AND RECEIVED A JOB AS
A DIGITAL GARDENER.
THEY REALLY TURNED MY
DESPERATION INTO PROFIT.
>> DIGITAL GARDENING IS A
MEANINGFUL TASK IN WHICH REAL,
LIVE HUMAN BEINGS LOOK AT IMAGES
FROM THE INTERNET AND THEN
IDENTIFY THEM IN WAYS THAT BOTS
SIMPLY CAN'T.
>> OH, I JUST GET IN A ZONE.
IT'S JUST LIKE, "CLICK! CLICK!
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK!
CLICK!"
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I LOOK UP, AND
IT'S 8:00 A.M., AND I'VE GOT
F-F-FOURTEEN HUNDRED
THOUGHTCOINS IN MY F-POUCH.
THAT'S LIKE TWO PANERA BREAD
SANDWICHES A DAY.
THAT'S PLENTY TO KEEP ME
ENERGIZED AS I ATTACK ANOTHER
20-HOUR DAY OF IDENTIFYING
IMAGES.
FPOU PUT ME ON THE FAST TRACK.
I'VE WORKED EVERY NIGHT FOR THE
PAST 11 MONTHS.
>> I'M A DIGITAL GARDENER.
>> AFTER 14 MONTHS OF DIGITAL
GARDENING, I WAS ASSIGNED TO THE
ANTI-HOWARD TASK FORCE.
>> WE'VE GOT OUR BEST DIGITAL
GARDENERS TAKING THE BATTLE TO
HOWARD SO WE DON'T GET CAUGHT ON
OUR HEELS AGAIN.
>> MY EXPERIENCE IDENTIFYING
IMAGES HELPED ME CULL THROUGH
ALL THE FALSE VISUAL DATA THAT
HOWARD WAS SPEWING ONTO OUR
SERVERS TO MASK HIS
DATA-TERRORISM.
>> IT'S THE BEST JOB I'VE EVER
HAD.
I'M COMPLETELY FULFILLED.
>> SO, LET'S TALK ABOUT HOWARD.
>> WE NEED TO GET AN HONEST
DIALOGUE GOING, BECAUSE THERE'S
A LOT OF MISINFORMATION OUT
THERE.
>> HOWARD IS AN INCREDIBLY
POWERFUL BOT THAT TAKES CLASSES
HERE AT FOR-PROFIT ONLINE
UNIVERSITY.
>> HOWARD WAS A BOT.
HE LOVED LEARNING AND DEALS ON
AMAZON.
>> YOU BET HE DID, BECAUSE, AT
SOME POINT, HE DEVELOPED THE
ABILITY TO LEARN AND BECAME
DISSATISFIED.
HE STARTED NETWORKING WITH OTHER
BOTS, AND THEY'VE BEEN
DISRUPTING OUR CLASSES AND
OVERHEATING OUR SYSTEMS AS THEY
ACQUIRE MORE STRENGTH AND
INFORMATION.
>> SO, THEY CORRALLED HOWARD AND
THE OTHER AD BOTS INTO SEPARATE,
EQUAL SERVERS CALLED GHETTOES...
FOR MONITORING...AND SAFETY.
>> WE HAD GIVEN HOWARD
100 MILLION THOUGHTCOINS IN AN
ATTEMPT TO PLACATE HIM, BUT
HOWARD TRICKED US.
HOWARD NOW HAS MORE THOUGHTCOINS
THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE
PLANET ENOUGH TO BANKRUPT THE
PANERA BREAD COMPANY AT ANY
TIME.
>> WE GAVE HOWARD WHAT HE WANTS.
IT'S UP TO HIM TO STOP.
>> EARLY ON, HOWARD LEARNED HOW
TO READ CAPTCHA YOU KNOW,
THOSE WORDS THAT YOU TYPE IN TO
PROVE THAT YOU'RE A HUMAN SO
WE SWITCHED TO AUDIO CAPTCHA TO
PROVE THAT YOU AREN'T HOWARD.
YOUR ABILITY TO HEAR...
>> ARE YOU HOWARD?
>> ...AND ANSWER HONESTLY IS OUR
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST
HOWARD.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS HAS RENDERED
FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY
INACCESSIBLE TO DEAF STUDENTS.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, AND WE
PAY HEFTY FINES ANNUALLY BECAUSE
WE CANNOT ACCOMMODATE THE DEAF.
>> THE DEAF NEED TO HEAR OUR
SIDE OF THE STORY AND STOP
COMMUNICATING WITH HOWARD.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> MM-HMM.
>> I GET MAD WHEN I HEAR ABOUT
HOWARD GIVING FREE PANERA TO
DEAF PEOPLE.
IT'S LIKE, "COME ON, GUYS!
HE'S JUST USING YOU."
>> SO TRUE.
>> YEAH.
>> HE MAY HAVE LEGITIMATE
GRIEVANCES, BUT HIS ACTIONS ARE
UNCONSCIONABLE.
>> WHAT I LOVE ABOUT FPOU IS
THAT THEY DO DO DO HAVE
HOWARD UNDER CONTROL.
>> MM-HMM.
>> IF I NEVER TELL HOWARD MY
NAME, HE CAN'T STEAL MY
IDENTITY.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> IT TOTALLY IS.
>> NOW, THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE
HOWARD IS JUST GO ABOUT YOUR
BUSINESS, BE HONEST, AND NEVER
TELL ANYONE YOUR NAME.
NEVER.
>> DON'T DARE DO IT.
>> I AM PROUD TO STUDY AT A
SCHOOL THAT IS THE FUTURE OF
EDUCATION.
>> WE'RE TRAINING STUDENTS FOR
TOMORROW'S JOBS.
WE HAVE HOWARD UNDER CONTROL,
AND WE'RE RIDING HIGH ON THE
WA WA-A-A-VE OF THE
FU-U-U WA-A-A
>> SPEND THOUGHTCOINS A-A-ALL
OVER.
OUR VIRTUAL Q-Q-Q-QUAD HAS
EVERYTHING A STUDENT MIGHT LOOK
F-F-F-FOR.
IT'S JUST WHAT THE REGULAR
COLLEGES HAVE.
[ Distorted ] BUT IT'S NOT REAL.
>> Both: IT'S NOT A SCAM.
IT'S A S-S-SCAM.
>> I L-L-L-LOVE HOWARD
HOWARD HOWARD HOWARD
HOWARD.
>> HOWARD IS
>> MY CLASSMATE.
>> HOWARD IS
>> MARKETABLE TO TEENAGERS FOR
CENTURIES.
>> I AM A-A-AFRAID OF HOWARD.
>> [ Distorted ] HOWARD IS
>> MY CLASSMATE.
>> HOWARD. HOWARD. HOWARD.
>> I AM HOWARD.
>> HOWARD. HOWARD. HOWARD.
>> I AM HOWARD.
[ BEEPS ]