♪ There she goes like a shooting star ♪
♪ She got fireworks in her heart ♪
♪ Lighting up this world... ♪
(women laughing)
(woman) You guys. You never slept with him.
You don't know what you're missing.
(woman 2) No way!
It's crazy.
Hi.
Are you lost?
Um, I'm sorry.
I just-- I love all of you, I can't--
(laughing) I can't believe you're here.
You're, like, literally my heroes.
(Julia) God, you look familiar.
Are you that girl from the television
who talks about her pussy all the time?
Yes!
That-- Yes, thank you.
Please.
Yeah.
Come talk about your pussy over here.
(Amy giggling)
Is it-- Is it someone's birthday or--
Oh.
Kind of the opposite.
We're celebrating Julia's last fuckable day.
(Julia) Yes, salud.
Woo! Woohoo!
Um, I'm sorry, did you say Julia's last fuckable day?
Mm-hmm.
What is that?
In every actress' life,
the media decides when you finally
reach the point where you're not believably fuckable anymore.
But-- I mean, how do you know?
Who tells you?
Well, nobody-- Nobody really overtly tells you,
but there are signs.
You, like-- You know how Sally Field
was Tom Hanks' love interest
in "Punchline" and then, like, 20 minutes later,
she was his mom in "Forest Gump"?
Or you might get offered a romcom
with Jack Nicholson where you're competing
with another woman to fuck him.
You're kidding me.
You did?
(Julia) You did?
Hey, who got that?
(gasping) Oh, she'll be good.
(Julia) Really good.
Or you go to a movie set,
you go to wardrobe and the only thing
they have for you to wear are long sweaters,
like cover you up head to toe kind of thing.
Right, or, like, the poster for your movie
is just, like, a picture of a kitchen.
With these very uplifting and yet vague titles, like,
"Whatever It Takes" or "She Means Well."
That kind of thing, right?
Another common sign is when they start remaking your best movies
with younger, more fuckable actresses.
I guess they're making "Boyhood" with Selena Gomez in my part.
That's gonna make a lot of money.
I don't understand. You're all so fuckable.
Like, believe me, no one was more surprised than me
that they let me stay fuckable throughout my 40s
and the fact that it continued into my 50s.
This was just like, thanks, but...
I thought that US Weekly had made some sort of
a clerical error or something.
Tell me about it. If you shoot a sex scene
the night before your birthday,
everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up,
we gotta get it before midnight,
'cause they think your vagina
Uh-huh.
Well, is there anything you can do to delay it?
Yeah, I mean, you can try, but it only makes it worse,
like those Real Housewives.
They try to look young,
but then they end up looking like a purse
Yeah.
They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand.
But what about men? Like, who tells men
when it's their last fuckable day?
(all laughing)
Never.
Well, they're fuckable forever.
They could be 100 and, like, nothing but white spiders
coming out, but they're fuckable.
I didn't get this commercial last week for AARP
because the director said I was too old
to play Larry King's wife.
I heard that Bruce Willis
just got engaged to a girl who is 24 years younger than him
and I heard that she's an actual baby lamb.
What? Really?
Mm, Google it.
So, wait, are you guys, like, bummed at all?
(Julia) What? No.
Are you kidding me?
I'm thrilled.
Ecstatic.
I mean, I don't have to deal with this,
maintaining this anymore.
I mean, it's just such-- It's a godsend.
I can grow my pubes out, it's--
Look at this.
See this ice cream?
It's been sitting out here for an hour.
You wanna know why?
Watch this, baby.
(all chanting) Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
(Amy chuckling) Oh, my God! Woo!
(belching)
Whoa! (laughing)
(farting)
(Tina) Hilo !
(all laughing)
(Julia) All right.
You know what's next.
Let's go do this thing.
Where are we going?
To do the ritual.
And then we put her in the boat
and we push her out into the water
and we drink champagne to salute how fuckable
she was for so many years.
It's nice.
(Julia) Yeah, It's really nice.
(all shouting) Cheers.
(laughing)
And where is she going?
Home.
Wait, what?
Tina, no!
Seriously, relax.
She's just going to her house.
I gotta get clothes that I've got to get out of the dryer.
Okay, I was right.
She's an actual baby lamb.
Oh.
(Julia) Can I see it?
Oh.
Good for them.
I'm out.
Okay, bye, I'll see you.
(kissing)
What are you doing?
I'm just gonna, um, go home and wax my beard.
When does that start?