(happy bouncy music) (zipping)
(click) (ding)
(buzzing)
(murmuring)
(thump)
- (Sigh) I was supposed to drink the coins, right?
- Maybe.
(building hip hop dance music)
- Oh god dammit.
A bunch a good looking people just walked in.
- Why is that a problem?
Is it because you're gonna be self conscious
about your looks?
- Is it because they're bad at conversation
because they never had to learn?
- Ooh, they remind you of unattainable social standards.
- No, it's 'cause now I'm gonna have to go over there
to try to fuck all of them!
- Grant!
- Hey, I don't like it either.
Trying to fuck good looking people's hard work.
- Can't you take a night off?
- Yeah, can you imagine?!
Let me know if I owe someone money for the beer.
- Hey, I'm serious!
- If I don't do this tonight, I'm gonna regret it tomorrow!
- There will always be hot people, okay?!
They're a renewable resource.
- Yeah, you're right.
You guys are my friends.
Friends are more important than work.
- Okay, tryin' to hook up with people isn't work.
But good.
(clattering)
(ding)
- Are you on Tinder right now?
- And Bumble and Grinder.
(scoff)
Well, you know these apps make it
so you never get a night off.
You know--
- No.
- In alotta ways--
(groaning)
- Our connected world means we're less connected than ever.
(groaning)
- I hate how focused on this you are right now.
- I hate that you hate that I love to love!
- What?!
- And loving, in this case, means trying to bag attractives.
- Oh, awful.
- Is it awful to work hard at what you love?
I am, in the immortal words of John Lennon,
a working class hero.
- Again, not work.
(whoosh)
- And couldn't the workers use a hero these days?
- Please stop.
- Just as Davinci never slept,
so too will I never shrink from my duty
of trying to stick it in some quality wet.
(groaning)
- Gross!
- What separates the dreamers from the achievers?
- How about having the self respect
not to go and bother a bunch of strangers in public?
(swhoosh)
(whoosh)
- Drive.
- Why are you like this?
- Gosh, ya know, I guess it's because I'm from the Midwest,
where we believe in hard work.
We believe in this nation of possibilities.
This is America.
(dramatic uplifting orchestral music)
In America we roll up our sleeves
and say "What can I do, how can I be of service?"
- Oh, not another monologue.
- And what I can do is try to ball
good looking young people, because the only thing harder
than going after what you want to achieve
is looking at yourself in the mirror if you don't even try!
So while I may want to stay with you, my friends,
my comfort and my safety, I am duty bound
to try to hump those probably models.
For may I never be too busy to try
to eat out a stranger at their apartment,
too tired to teach a college student how to give
a hand job, too proud to daisy chain.
May I always be American.
(clapping)
- (Man in checkered shirt) Rootin' for ya, Mike.
(kiss)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Oh, wow!
(clack)
(cheering)
(clapping)
Thanks brother.
- Oh yeah, no, I hate him.
- Yeah.
He always ends up doing this, too.
- 'Preciate it.
- Hey, what happened?!
- Oh, they heard me talking.
They think I'm a creep.
(thump)
(low sonic wave)
(click)
(whizzing)
- Hi, I'm Shavonne from College Humor.
Click over here to subscribe, and click here
for more fun stuff ya filthy animals!
I was abandoned in this office
when I was 10 years old by my parents.
I've only eaten pizza for such a long time.
I think I have scurvy!