MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN THAT YOU CAN SEE AT THE
COMEDY CELLAR RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.
PLEASE WELCOME JON FISCH!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> THANKS.
THANK YOU, GUYS!
NEW YORK CITY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE ALMOST 15
YEARS.
AND I FEEL LIKE I'M BECOME REALLY ENTITLED, BUT I'VE ALSO
HAD TO LOWER MY STANDARDS.
IT'S A WEIRD YIN-YANG THING IF YOU COME TOW NEW YORK AND YOU
COME TO MY APARTMENT YOU'RE IMPRESSED.
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT, YOU'RE LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU AWARE YOUR MATTRESS TOUCHES THREE OF THE WALLS IN
YOUR BEDROOM?" ( LAUGHTER )
I'M STARTING TO THINK I GO TO THE SUSHI RESTAURANT IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD TOO MUCH, BECAUSE WHEN I GOT THESE NEW GLASSES,
THEY WERE THE FIRST ONES TO NOTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) I USUALLY GO BY MYSELF, BUT I
THREW THEM OFF ONE DAY.
I CAN COME IN, THEY'RE LIKE "TABLE FOR ONE?"
I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M MEETING A FRIEND."
AND I SWEAR TO GOD THE GUY GOES, "HE HAS FRIENDS!"
TO THE WHOLE RESTAURANT.
THEN I HAD TO WAIT FIVE MINUTES FOR MY FRIEND AND I'M LIKE,
"GREAT, THEY THINK I HAVE AN EMERGENCY IMAGINARY FRIEND."
OTHER WEIRD STUFF HAS HAPPENED TO ME AT THIS PLACE.
LAST CHRISTMAS, THEY GAVE ME A PRESENT.
I'M SITTING THERE EATING, THEY BROUGHT ME A WRAPPED BOTTLE OF
SAKE AND THEY'RE LIKE, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM EVERYBODY
AT WATAWA."
I THOUGHT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS SADDER, THAT A RESTAURANT JUST
GAVE ME MY ONLY CHRISTMAS GIFT OR THAT THESE PEOPLE, WHO I
GUESS ARE MY BEST FRIEND, KEEP FORGETTING THAT I AM JEWISH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE A BROTHER.
HE IS ALSO JEWISH.
( LAUGHTER ) HE MARRIED AN ITALIAN CATHOLIC
LADY.
AND THEY HAVE TWO KIDS, TWO LITTLE GIRLS, AND THEY DECIDED
TO RAISE THEM BOTH JEWISH-- TOTALLY IGNORING MY SUGGESTION
OF RAISING ONE OF THEM JEWIS ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE OTHER ONE CATHOLIC, AND THEN WE'D GET TO SEE WHO WINS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LOVE MY NIECES.
THEY ARE ADORABLE.
MY OLDER NIECE IS 11, SHE'S VERY FUNNY.
SHE IS ALREADY A LITTLE JADED SOMEHOW.
SHE CAME UP TO ME OUT OF NOWHERE ONE DAY AND SAID, "SO, WHERE'S
YOUR FAMILY?" I'M LIKE, "WELL, YOU'RE MY
FAMILY."
SHE GOES, NO, YOU'RE REAL FAMILY.
I SAID, "DON'T YOU THINK IF I HAD KIDS, I WOULD INTRODUCE YOU
TO THEM AT SOME POINT?" SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW, "AND
JUST WALKED AWAY.
"I DON'T KNOW.
DON'T NEED AN ANSWER.
JUST WANTED YOU TO THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
WE'RE ALL NOT IMPRESSED."
( LAUGHTER ) MY LIFE IS WEIRD TO HER.
I GET THAT.
I'M 43, I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
I KIND OF THOUGHT I'D BE DIVORCED BY NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE BEEN DATING DIVORCED WOMEN
LATELY, WHICH HAPPENS IN MY AGE BRACKET.
AND THERE'S THAT SAYING: "ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN?"
GOOD NEWS, EVERYBODY-- THEY'LL BE BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
EVEN MY BUDDIES ARE GETTING DIVORCED.
WHICH IS WEIRD.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIVING THE SAME LIVES AGAIN ALL OF A SUDDEN.
BUT WE GOT THERE SO DIFFERENTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN ON A DIRECT
FLIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) SITTING IN FIRST CLASS.
MEANWHILE THEY'VE BEEN ON A GREYHOUND BUS FOR 12 YEARS, JUST
STOPPING AT EVERY CRACKER BARREL.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I HAVE LEARNED A LOT OVER
THE YEARS.
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU.
FROM NOW ON, WHEN A GIRL TELLS ME THAT SHE IS A MESS AND AN
ALCOHOLIC, I'M GOING TO TAKE HER WORD FOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS CHEERED ME UP.
I'M AT A WEIRD PLACE IN MY LIFE.
I TOLD YOU, NOTICE GIRLFRIEND, NO WIFE.
ALL MY FAMILY LIVES IN MASSACHUSETTS.
I LIVE HERE.
I REALIZED RECENTLY JUST HOW ALONE I AM, BECAUSE MY EMERGENCY
CONTACT IS GOING TO BE SURPRISED.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT?
YOU GET THAT CALL AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WAIT, WHAT?
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!" MY PERSON IS GONNA BE LIKE,
"WATAWA SUSHI, CAN I HELP YOU?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HIS ALBUM IS "HE HAS
FRIENDS."
JON FISCH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.