Accountability is a huge issue in our society now
and today we're talking about how to teach kids accountability right from the beginning.
-Today we're going to give you some kind of philosophical ideas to help teach
that accountability. But then we're going to finish up with some more practical things. So stick around.
-Okay, let's jump right in. Because the most powerful parenting tool that you have is YOU.
Because kids are always watching. In fact, this gets in our way sometimes. -It does, you know,
just a quick little. I remember one time when my two or year old went and hid in the other room
and I said, "What are you doing why are you hiding those?", "I just don't want to be an example right
now for my little brother", and it's kind of like that as a parent we are always being watched.
So the best thing that we can do is to model the behavior and the mindset right from the start.
-Accountability, so what does that even mean? I think as we look at the definition of accountability.
It's the opposite of blame. Can we start with that? In a blaming mindset we're always
looking for that thing or that person that we can blame for whatever's going on. Who's to blame?
You hear this in the media all the time too. Now, accountability is not blaming ourselves.
I think that's still kind of a victim sort of a way of thinking.
But it is taking responsibility. I remember years ago, I was driving to see a client
in Southern Utah as I'm cruising down the road. Have you done this before? You get lost in your
thoughts and you go right past your exit, just blow right on by right and I knew I was in
the wrong place when I looked up and I saw this big colorful sign that said, "Arizona Welcomes You."
Arizona, this isn't even the right state. Now, accountability in that setting is look down and
see whose hands are on the steering wheel and I realized, "Oh, I'm here because I drove here now."
I'm not blaming myself. -No, it's taking ownership -And the bad news is also the good news because
if my hands are on the wheel, what can I do now? See now, I have the power to take it somewhere and this
is what we want to teach our children. If they're blaming or avoiding responsibility. If they're
not taking accountability. They also don't have the power to move this thing forward the way that they
could otherwise. -And I think that's where modeling in your own behavior and language comes in
such a big play. Because if I say, "Oh, you make me so mad." Where's the ownership right? I've suddenly
put all of the blame, all of the responsibility, all the ownership from my feelings on you and
so and you know who isn't guilty of having said that even to a child. You know,
you make me crazy, you make me... You know we've said it before but let's start becoming more aware of
that and take ownership in our language and our behavior. Because we're showing our child's like,
"Wow, I am starting to feel so frustrated." Okay, I mean, let's be real, we are, own it, be real, and
then and you're modeling that, and you're going to work through it and you're still
owning it and so, you're teaching your child right from the start they get to be accountable. -And did
you know that parents can take a time out? -You bet. -In fact, that's a good time to do it. The
example that you shared Vicky, and we've done this in raising our kids where. You get a little steamed
-And I'm just gonna walk away for a minute. -And own your feelings it's okay to say, "Look, I'm feeling
a little tipped over right now. I'm going to take a moment and then I'll come back and we'll
continue this conversation." So that's more of the accountability approach. We talked a little bit
about blame but another word is fault. -Whose fault is this? -Or it's my fault. -My fault, it's your fault.
-Fault, we live on a fault. Here in the State of Utah where Vicky and I live.
We live on a geological fault line. That's where two tectonic plates come together and if they
shift you have what's called an earthquake, alright. So, I think of fault and I think of,
"Oh, what's going to get shaken up here?". But it also means imperfection okay. So if there's a fault in
something then there's there's an imperfection or a flaw right. We are not flawed okay,
we're imperfect. But I tell my clients all the time we're perfectly designed to be imperfect. It's how
people are and I don't know any people who aren't imperfect. So, the word fault gets in our way it has
multiple meanings. What if we were to shift that? Instead of it's my fault, that's my responsibility.
Does that feel a little different? Our vocabulary matters. So let's get away from
blame and fault. Let's go to things more like ownership, accountability, responsibility, and use
that in our own language. -One of my favorite disney shows is "Meet the Robinsons", I love that one and I
think one of the reasons I love it is because they have created a family culture. Where you celebrate
mistakes and what you can learn from it and then it's a whole process and I think
that's something we can do as a parents is to develop this culture, mistakes are okay.
Matter of fact, in my school a couple of years ago I think it comes originally from Walt Disney but
our principal had put up on the walls FAIL. It stands for first attempt in learning fail,
and it just makes you feel not quite so bad about things not going the way you thought they would go.
Because you're going to learn something from it. -Right, this culture that you're talking about.
What we're really trying to do here is establish an environment where it's okay
to take accountability. -Well, not only okay but it's really the only way. Because if you could
do everything perfectly from the beginning. Then who's growing, who's learning, who's changing, and so,
if we are not allowing our children to fail. We're also really not allowing them to strive.
-Or to succeed for that matter. The failure becomes part of a process of learning. -Yeah, it's
not the outcome and maybe that's part of the culture we're trying to establish is that
that there's always more growing to happen. It's not an out that whatever didn't work out is
not the final piece of the story. That that's all that failure is just in the process. -One of the
things that you can do to establish this culture. Obviously, the language that you use your own
modeling of it, all of that is important. It's also okay to talk about this. I have a friend who's
a mortician an undertaker is what he calls it and he says, "Talking about death won't kill you."
Which is kind of funny because he does pre-plan funeral arrangements for people and
they have to actually talk about it. Well, the point I'm trying to make is
you can talk about these things with your kids, this is not a secret.
It's not something that you have to know as a parent and then you have to somehow magically
find a way to instill it into your children. Talk to them about it even when they're little.
You can start using language and vocabulary that helps them to understand the principles
of accountability, responsibility, moving from blame to ownership. Talk to them about it you'll
be surprised at what they can pick up on. Hey, we've got two more points for you but before we get to those.
Would you go down and click that subscribe button. That way, you can get new parenting
resources brought to you. Especially if you take a minute to click on that notification bell. So we
promised Vicky, that we'd get more practical here at the end and there's a four-part process
that we talked to a lot of our parents about when we're doing our coaching programs. That starts with
give your kids a task that they can handle. Now, how can you tell if your kids can handle it?
-Don't ask them. -Don't trust their opinion on this. Because they may try to mislead you, "Oh God, it's
too hard", whatever. Now, if they've done it before that's a dead giveaway. But we also encourage you
to use the 5k test. Which is if I were to offer my kid 5,000 to do what I just asked him to do.
Now, five thousand dollars in the equivalent of your child's currency. -Yeah, whatever that
really means to them. -If we take motivation out of the picture. Are they capable
of doing this thing and we have to give our kids responsibilities or they will not learn
their accountability. They have to have the responsibilities.
So, without sheltering them from it or withholding it because we're afraid they won't do it right.
Give them a task they can handle the next step is you're going to hope. Now that you've given
them the task, you're going to hope that they blow it. -See, that part always surprised
me, wait what? -I originally got this from Jim Fay and Foster Cline the Love and Logic
founders and it's brilliant because this is the way you detach from the outcomes as a parent.
Hey, succeed or fail? Either way is fine with me because you're going to learn something either way,
and going back to the movie that you mentioned. There's a scene in the movie where one
of the characters says, "You can learn a lot from your mistakes. Successes not so much",
and it's true. So, don't be so attached to the outcome that your kids have to succeed. Failure
is probably going to be a more valuable experience anyway. So, you detach from the outcome you hope
that they blow it. Because then they're going to learn something. -And then you don't leave it there
okay. So they've blown it you've talked about it. What are you going to do next? How are you
going to handle this? Again, the accountability is on them. Spot responsibility is theirs
and then you give them the same or a very similar task that you know they can handle
and this time, you hope for their success. Because they're going to learn something in that process.
-And if they fail again, that's okay too. So stay detached from the outcome. One important part that
we haven't mentioned yet is the consequences. Every choice has a consequence. The better my
choices the better my consequences and so when your child succeeds or when your child blows it.
Either way, they get the appropriate consequence for their success or failure and you don't bail
them out. There's the old three hours of bearing, do you remember those Vicky?
rent raven rescues... Where you ball them out and bail them out. We're not going to
go there. They get to have their consequence because they earned it. You wouldn't take away
your child's trophy if they want a competition. Do not take away the consequences for their failures
because that robs them of a learning experience that they really need to have in order to learn
accountability, that is really important. Hopefully, you got some useful tips and ideas here. There's
more in fact, cue up that next video watch it next. It's, five things that every new parent
needs to know. These are things that you're going to want to know so watch that one next.