- I said it because I wanted to sleep with you.
- Why you switching up on me?
(rock music playing)
- Hello and welcome to Cry Battle.
This is the show where whoever cries the most wins.
I'm here with King Vader.
Are you a big crybaby?
- Not necessarily.
- You know. - [Host] Yeah.
- I cry when it's the right moment, I'd say.
- Oh god.
Okay, so when is the last time you cried?
- There's this movie,
called 'Queen & Slim'.
- Okay, yeah the Daniel Kaluuya movie.
- And you know,
the tears just came out.
And I couldn't hold em back.
- So speaking of Daniel Kaluuya,
he has a very notorious cry face
as seen in the movie 'Get Out',
directed by Jordan Peele.
- Mm.
- Can you do this cry face?
- Yeah, I can give it my best shot.
- Okay cool, wait let me send you
into this sunken place.
Okay I'm like stirring a little tea.
(solemn music playing)
You're now in the sunken place.
(scary music playing)
- While Vader's in the sunken place,
let's look at the stats.
(rock music playing)
- Okay, so the first round is crying on command.
So that's just to get a baseline
on whether or not you can force yourself to cry.
Do you wanna do it?
- I'ma try it.
- Cool.
(flame throwing sound playing)
3, 2, 1, go.
(music beats playing)
- Come on.
Come on.
I feel it.
In my left eye.
- F**k, f**k you.
(scary music playing)
Are you going to the sunken place?
(music beats playing) Oh god.
I'll try and come,
I don't know if I'm allowed.
Seems like a black culture thing
and not an Asian person thing.
- (laughing)
- They have a different sunken place for Asian people.
- Oh no.
- Filled with parents who are disapproving.
- I'm trying.
I'm trying.
- (gasping) (crying) (flame throwing sound playing)
- It just won't happen.
- It sounded like I was jerking off but I wasn't.
- I mean I couldn't look at you to tell.
- I guess I was tryna like,
masturbate my eyes.
- Masturbate your eyes,
that's a different term.
- I feel like I pre-jizzed,
that didn't really like, fully.
(rock music playing)
- This next round is cutting onions.
Now, we have a variety of onions this time,
and they're a little bit older,
cause apparently if you leave onions out,
or if they age,
they'll elicit more tears.
- Wait, just jump straight into it?
- Yeah, let's just start.
Let's see some cutting technique.
- All right.
So I'm thinking like a sideways type of,
oh my god, these are powerful.
- They're powerful?
Are they working?
Holy s**t.
- I just know, by the time we're done with these,
it's gon be bad.
- Let's play a little game right now.
When I say "sad",
you say "childhood".
Sad.
- Childhood.
- What comes to mind?
- One of my first pets that no one knows about.
- What happened?
What kind of pet was this?
- I owned a turtle for half of a day,
picked him up, you know,
took him home,
and I was like,
"Mom, it's a turtle."
And she was like,
"Get that out of the house."
I asked her could I just keep him for the night,
and then let him go in the morning, you know.
And you know, she agreed.
I placed him in the cardboard box,
and I placed him on my balcony.
Now I gave him all the essential things
that turtles need to survive. - Yeah.
- I gave him grass,
water, Doritos,
everything.
He jumped off of my balcony when I was asleep,
and when I woke up he was on the ground.
He was dead.
- What are you talking about?
The turtle was on the balcony, - Yeah.
- It ate it's way out of the box,
and jumped off?
- I had to go school the next day,
you know, I had to look people in their face.
And I'm like, "Hey man, don't talk to me man,
my turtle just died."
- It committed suicide?
- It committed suicide man.
- It had a bright future,
you know. - (crying)
- Tried to audition for 'Finding Nemo'.
- Aww yeah, look at me dude.
Just look me in the eye.
- Yeah.
You're really, (chuckling)
you're going through it.
- Okay, so you moved from Maryland
to Glendora.
- Maryland was cool, you know.
Shoutout to Maryland,
the DMV, I love you guys.
- Yeah, shoutout to the Maryland DMV.
I love you guys too.
- Like, Maryland was just getting
a little bit too toxic for like,
what I was trying to do, you know.
- You had a lot of haters who were like,
tryna like, be like,
ay, you can't do it.
Why are you trying to make all these videos?
What's your goal man?
- And you know one day,
I did this video, (flame throwing sound)
it was a water bottle video
where I go into a job interview.
They was like "do you have any special talents?",
you know.
And I walked in there,
and I flipped a water bottle.
And guess what?
It landed.
- (laughing) - And the room went crazy.
It was everywere.
On television, the news.
- Holy shit.
Well you know what?
- That was a moment. - So fuck the haters man.
Like look at you, - Fuck the haters man.
- You're here on Comedy Central,
you're crying.
You have a tear.
- You know what I'm saying?
It's a lava news.
(both laughing)
(rock music playing)
- Okay, so this next round
is called listening to anime music.
And it's just for you Vader.
You said if we have motivational music,
that could make you cry.
- Yeah.
- All right, I don't know if we're allowed to play this.
(slow Japanese music playing)
(flame throwing sound) - (crying)
(crying loudly)
(rock music playing)
Okay, now for a round called self-reflection.
Where you'll look in the mirror,
- Mhm.
- And confront all your demons,
and try to see if you can cry from looking at yourself.
- Okay.
- All right, and we'll start
in 3, 2, 1.
(slow music playing)
(flame throwing sound)
Oh b***h.
(chuckling)
So your birth name,
your birth name isn't King Vader.
It's Dominique Barrett, right?
- It's Dominique Barrett.
That's my full government.
(flame throwing sound) - [Host] That's your what?
- That's my full government.
- You got a tear, holy s**t.
Looks like encountering your real self.
- (laughing) - Has made you cry.
(laughing)
- I was not born King Vader.
- (laughing loudly)
(rock music playing)
- Okay, so the next and final round
is called using cry sticks and reading movie lines,
and seeing who does it the best.
- Okay.
- Okay, so we're gonna use cry sticks,
which is what movie actors use
when they're not good enough actors
to cry themselves.
It kind of makes your eyes hurt,
so be careful.
- Oh, okay. - A little bit, yeah.
But you know what, go for it.
Who cares?
- Yeah, who cares.
- Yeah.
- It's like lipstick for your eyes?
- Yeah, you just like,
put it under your eye.
Like that.
Ooh, f**k, okay.
- Whoa, okay.
I get it. (chuckling)
I understand immediately.
- Yeah, kind of works huh? All right.
3, 2, 1.
- Mrs. Stark,
I don't feel so good.
(crying) (flame throwing sound)
What did you guys put in my eyes, bruh?
This. - (laughing)
- Yo, this joint burns.
- I have been,
and always shall be your friend.
(flame throwing sound)
- I haven't been happy.
One minute of my entire
f***ing life. (flame throwing sound)
- I look like a moose. (flame throwing sound)
But a very cute moose.
(flame throwing sound)
Make all the boy moose
go wah. (flame throwing sound)
- I'm just a girl.
Standing in front of a boy.
(flame throwing sound)
Asking him to love her.
- We stopped the bleeding.
We stopped the bleeding.
(flame throwing sound)
F**k, just give us a chance,
you son of a b***h!
You son of a f***ing c-***-sucker!
(flame throwing sound)
- Take the blue pill,
and the story ends.
You take the red pill,
and you stay in Wonderland.
And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
(flame throwing sound)
- I am inevitable.
(claps) (flame throwing sound)
- And I. (agonizing music playing)
Am. (agonizing music playing)
Ironman. (agonizing music playing)
(flame throwing sound)
(rock music playing)
- Unfortunately,
I have won Cry Battle this time.
This is just a battle,
it's not the whole Civil War,
so, thank you so much for doing the show,
I really appreciate you opening up.
- It was a good cry. - [Host] Yeah.
- As one may say, so.
- Yeah, well I'm so glad that I could help
coax that liquid out of you man.
And thank you guys,
and remember to let it out every once in a while.
(solemn music playing)
(beeping sound)
- I think we should break up.
- What?!
What are you talking about?
- You're just always quoting like,
TV shows and movies.
And you're always bouncing,
and you're doing special effects.
- You said you love that stuff.
Why?
- I thought you had more money than you do.
- Oh my god!
(both crying)
- You was supposed to be the chosen one!
The chosen one, Anakin!
(swooshing sound)