(upbeat music)
- Because you hurt their feelings.
So I get up here as a joke.
No harm intended.
It's a funny time, and I get up here and I'm like,
don't wear a garter, it's trashy.
And I get that same blogger in the back of the room,
like, female comic shamed my wedding day choices
and I don't have the social wherewithal
to confront her in person.
So I'm just going to hurl these insults turds
from behind a faceless avatar.
(audience laughs)
So...
(audience cheering)
So, since we're all so hurt and gutless all the time,
I'm going to stick to my initial notion.
You look like a saloon hooker.
(audience cheering)
Go get married at a Six Flags.
(audience laughs)
You look down, you finally get it up there.
You're like,
it looks like I put a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham.
(audience laughs)
It hurts.
And it's tight. Of course it's tight.
It's a garter, it's meant to hold up clothing.
Right now, all it's holding up is that blood flow.
(laughs)
Blood like trying to get to the artery.
You're like...
(grunts)
Your skin is just... (blows into mic)
(audience laughs) MoonPieing out on either side.
You're staring down at your corpulent leg as it pulsates.
(laughs)
With stagnant blood.
It's turning a light shade of blue.
Like, I'm the night queen. I don't know.
(laughs) What is this?
You don't have time to ponder the deadening of your leg.
You don't have time.
Cause you got to get yourself over the dance floor,
sweet tits. That's right.
You gotta get yourself over to the dance floor,
where you and your new husband
are going to perform a weird, sexual garter-removal dance.
In front of your family.
(audience cheering)
Your mother is there.
You're sitting there spread-eagle.
She's like, I'll get it on tape,
I'll be there for the conception.
This is excellent.
Your father is there and he loves you girls,
but he is tapped out.
He's like, yeah fuck her, I don't know.
(audience cheering)
He's a good guy and this is good shrimp.
(uproarious laughter)
It's good shrimp.
It's cash bar, but they're trying.
(laughs)
So you got to get over there for that dance.
So you go to the dance floor, you drag your now purple...
(laughs) stump...
over to... (gasps)
single chair. (laughs)
Single chair.
That has been ominously placed
in the center of the dance floor.
(laughs)
You are meant to sit in this chair...
my child.
(laughter) Sit down.
And you're like,
sit okay, I wasn't planning on enjoying myself, but okay.
(laughs)
Sit in the chair? Well, that's easier said than done.
Isn't it?
Cause you're a bride like me or bride that chose a dress
that was form over function.
Your dress is tight.
You're a bride like me that perhaps chose a dress
that was a size, maybe half a size too small, right?
Cause you told yourself you were gonna lose the weight
for the wedding, but you didn't lose the weight. Did you?
(laughs) No.
No, in fact you gained two pounds just trying.
(audience continues laughing) Yeah.
So that dress is tight
and you're trying to make yourself thin
and compact in the moment, right?
You got all your carry-on luggage up here.
Trying to extend the torso, tuck in the tailbone,
protecting the spine, moving with breath.
All the way down, slowly, slowly.
You're like that goat in the cage
in that first Jurassic Park like,
(bleats)
How does she work that noise into every special?
(audience laughs)
Slowly lowering yourself down,
praying to God that you don't experience
the one female-specific sartorial mishap
there's no coming back from.
When you're a woman, there's a lot that can go wrong, okay?
You snap a heel.
You have an accident on your period.
Your bra strap, whatever.
But none is more embarrassing than the horror
of going to sit down
and having the back of your dress burst open.
(blowing into mic) (audience laughter)
Cause it couldn't contain your lady meat.
(screams into mic)
You won't like me when I'm married.
(audience cheering)
I don't think the Hulk threw his shit, but...
this Hulk does.
So you finally sit down, right?
You go down to the hem of your skirt,
it's time to show off that $2.45 investment, right?
You gotta show off that garter.
You got to lift up the hem and that's when you realize
you only put on fake tanner to the knee.
(audience laughs)
I'll be brave.
Blinded... No! (audience laughter)
So you put your little white-orange dreamsicle leg out there
Right?
And you sit there and you wait.
And I believe what is to come next is ostensibly
your first real test as a married couple.
But of course, the onus is on the woman to pass this test
because it's on you girls to sit there
and remain facially excited
and turned on at your new choice in mate,
as your new husband emerges from the smoke of the DJ lights.
(audience cheering)
And you're just sitting there like, that's my baby!
That's who I might have a family with.
His tuxedo jacket is off, so you as the bride
are treated to this sweat map of South America.
(laughs)
And you have to sit there ladylike, but also like excited,
but also demure, but also horny.
And sit there while your new husband goes under your dress.
This is the most expensive dress
you're probably ever going to wear
and he's rooting around under it.
Like a ghost schnauzer.
(audience laughter)
You're like, that's my husband.
He now must remove the garter
but according to weird wedding tradition,
he's not allowed to use his hands.
What must he use Nashville?
- [All] Teeth!
(indistinct gurgling) (audience laughter)
So he gets under there, slides his five o'clock shadow.
Up your, five o'clock shadow.
(audience cheering)
The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir
with Bath & Body Works Plumeria.
(laughter)
Gets up here around this side hustle.
Clamps down on that garter
with let's hope wolf-like precision.
(audience laughs)
Slides it down your sweaty fucking ham hock,
(audience cheering)
to the ground and then he eats it.
I don't know what happens.
I've never watched the full YouTube video.
(audience cheering)
There is a world where you can admit
that something is difficult,
but also love the byproduct of it.
I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting.
It is a physical and mental and financial just gauntlet.
Even down to the last minute, the wedding itself.
The whole year is exhausting planning it.
It's fun, you love your mom, but it's a whole thing.
But even just the day of.
Let's talk about the day of.
What happened on the day of your wedding girls, right?
You had to prepare for it.
Like you woke up early.
Just want to greet the sun.
(audience laughing)
Got up at like six, like when your dad gets up.
Right? What, did you meditate? I just want to be centered.
Right? You worked out like it matters day of.
It doesn't, it doesn't.
You're not going to lose any weight at the buzzer.
It's not going to... (guttural noises)
It's never gonna happen.
What did you do?
You did your little workout
and then you got your makeup done
and your nails and a massage and a colonic
and a hyperbaric chamber and a hyperbolic chamber.
Amazing. And who?
Got a situation room and a silence cone
and a shame corner and a Reiki healing.
You went ghost hunting. You did all this stuff.
What did your husband do on your wedding day?
I'll tell you, he woke up like whenever.
(audience laughs)
Went out to eat with his buddies.
Something tasty, doesn't matter if I'm fat,
cause I'm a funny guy.
(audience cheering)
Who cares if it's bloated?
Right, then he went and got a haircut
on the day of the wedding!
(laughter)
What faith you have in this barber?
(audience laughing)
Went out, had a drink, went home, jerked off, took a dump.
Who says you can't lose weight? Right fellas?
Who says you can't lose weight day of?
(audience cheering)
Yeah, probably about 500 grams.
He took a nap,
he woke up to an alarm labeled "Wedding for you?"
He barely made it.
The bride, it just doesn't seem like
the bride is having as much fun as everyone else
because she is the one that planned it
and she wants everything to be perfect.
They don't tell you that when you have a wedding,
you have to plan every moment
because people, when they get in a group, it's mob mentality
and they don't think like they normally would, okay.
So you would think logically like,
we said "I do" in this room
and that room's got food on tables.
Should go from A to B, shortest distance. No problem.
People are walking into walls like Sims.
(audience laughing)
You have to shepherd them. You have to coordinate it.
Everything you do has to have coordination.
People have to be let in,
and you have to plan for these moments that seem organic.
I will give you an example.
So, if you're the couple that wants that moment,
where after you say "I do",
when you run out of the religious part
and you get announced into the room, right?
If you're the couple that wants to have the DJ
to everyone at the party and be like,
for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon.
(yells) (audience laughing)
Have all your babies, yeah!
If you want that moment, you have to plan for it.
Meaning if you want that reveal,
you, after you say "I do",
have to haul out of that room,
go to a fucking broom closet in a Ramada Inn, sign away.
Your goats, his chickens, stamp it, kiss me, okay.
Then you go and you take your couple's pictures.
And while you're doing that,
they're setting up the party room
and you have to provide a cocktail hour for your guests.
So three parties,
the party they're going to, this party
and then the one they had before.
Cause they're gonna get liquored up to listen to YMCA.
So they're there and you have to provide that party.
A party that you're paying for that you're not invited to.
(grunts)
(laughter)
My wedding planner was like,
so did you want to do, like an oyster bar for your guests?
I was like, do I get to eat the delicious oysters?
She's like, "No, you're going to be in the closet,
taking pictures. You don't get to partake".
I'm like,
then they can eat corn dogs and wait in their cars.
(audience cheering)
Okay, tapped out.
Tapped out.
It just felt like the bride is the last one to have fun.
Even if you have a fun ceremony.
Some couples like that,
to go like a quiet spiritual ceremony with crying
and saying, I'm sorry.
Some people like a fun service.
Like some people like to dance.
Like white people love to come down the aisle
to that Bruno Mars song, like,
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ I'm gonna marry you ♪
The bridesmaids and the groomsmen,
one who was like a cheer captain in middle school,
was like, we go up, you go down.
Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you.
And the you do it and it's a whole thing, right?
So everyone has fun with it.
So the first ones that come down.
Girls, it does not matter who you marry.
Every man has the same group of friends.
Every man has the same groom-pod, okay?
First one to come walking down the aisle.
Every man's got that one friend that's too big, okay?
He's like 6'9''.
His name is Donk.
He's just like... (audience cheering)
walking on two snapped Achilles and all head injuries.
Donk.
Everyone's, oh, Donk´s doing the choreography, barely.
(indistinct grumbling)
So, go Donk!
I am Donk.
Put that baby down!
Donk is hungry.
(audience laughing)
Then the funny friend.
Every man you date will have that one friend that's funny.
He never shuts up, his name is Daniel.
And he comes down the aisle.
Oh yeah!
And he doesn't see a congregation, he sees an audience.
So he's going up to your nana like,
oh yeah, nana, yeah!
Right? And they're loving it.
You're loving it. He's like, yeah.
And the more they laugh, he's like, oh yeah.
And then he goes off book.
He's like, yeah, I do the sprinkler
and whatever the hell this is.
(audience cheering)
And they're loving,
and people are laughing at your wedding.
The bride's not even there yet.
Everyone's having a good time.
She's in the back, breathing into a fucking a paper bag.
But they think Daniel's so funny.
Then they turn to me, isn't Daniel funny, Iliza?
You're doing it, bravo.
Move your dick more, this is good.
Daniel's so fun... Iliza isn't Daniel funny?
He should've been a comic. Yeah.
And he could've been.
(gasp)
But something happened senior year at Duke.
And the girl never woke up
but it was wrong place, wrong time kinda thing.
But he did deferred for a year
while his parents put together a legal defense fund.
He didn't do anything wrong,
but it didn't look very good to apply to other schools.
So he deferred for a year
to took community college credits.
He got that CPA degree,
that's not the degree that he wanted,
but he won't graduate on time, but he did graduate.
♪ Marry you, marry you ♪ (audience cheering)
The bridesmaids come down like, this is a strapless bra.
This isn't fun.
(audience laughs)
I slept with Daniel.
♪ Marry you, marry you ♪
Now the groom comes down and he's in sunglasses.
Oh, I'm in sunglasses. Isn't this funny?
I'm indoors, what a juxtaposition.
(audience laughs)
I'm in sunglasses, which is an homage to Risky Business,
which is a movie about what Nashville?
Hookers!
♪ Marry you ♪ (uproarious laughter)
Everyone get serious, she's here.
(grunts)
(audience cheering)