- But I found recently that I'm not very good at relaxing.
I get quite wound up.
I'm on the go all the time.
I'm bit of a workaholic, to be honest.
And when I get in from work, wherever I've been,
I'm rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed.
I'm quite interested in how other people relax.
Nice fella in the front.
Hello fella.
How do you relax when you get in
from wherever you spend your days?
Is something that you always do to help you wind down?
- Probably sit down, watch TV.
- You sit down.
That's a good start, isn't it?
Just sit down.
"Oh, I'm relaxed."
And you watch a bit of telly.
What time do you normally put the telly on?
- [Man] About six.
- About six.
You see, anything from six onwards
quite good for a few hours, isn't it?
Quite good telly then.
When I get in from work it could be anything from midnight
to four in the morning.
So unless I've remembered to record something,
I'm stuck with fricking "Babestation."
(audience laughs)
"Babestation."
If you don't know what "Babestation" is,
it's a soft-porn channel,
where on the screen is a relatively uneducated lady.
(audience laughs)
I'm guessing.
And she's on the phone,
and across the bottom of the screen is a telephone number
that you can ring,
presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons.
Although I don't think there are any rules
that say you can't ring her up
and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on.
(audience laughs)
I'd probably just give her careers advice,
'cause I used to work for the job centre.
I'd be like, "Ooh, you're very good on the phones.
You could work for Orange.
They're used to people ringing up and moaning.
(audience laughs and applauds)
So we've got a bit of telly-watching
from the fella at the front.
Thank you very much.
What about nice fella there in the nice blue shirt.
What would you do to relax?
- Take the dog for a walk.
- [Sarah] You take the dog for a walk?
So is it the exercise,
or the fresh air,
or a combination of the two?
- Fresh air in London?
Yeah, it's-
- Fresh air in London.
Oh yes, I forgot.
Do you have to wear a little mask, do you?
No. - No.
- Do you just go under a certain level
and then you're all right?
What time do you go walking with the dog?
Is it teatime?
- Four o'clock.
- [Sarah] Teatime.
- [Man] Three o'clock.
It'd be about- - Three o'clock.
The specifics aren't that important, love.
(audience laughs)
We'll come back to me in a minute, don't worry.
Three o'clock.
So that's afternoon.
'Cause I used to go,
like years ago,
I used to go running.
I know, fuck off.
It's hard to believe.
(audience laughs)
Didn't last very long.
But I used to go running round the park,
but really early on,
'cause there's a time,
there's a window that you can go,
'cause it has to be before everybody gets up to go to work,
'cause they're the people that point and laugh.
But after the dog walkers,
'cause they're always the ones that find the bodies,
aren't they?
(audience laughs)
It is, isn't it?
It's always that.
It's always, "Found by a dog walker."
(audience laughs)
Thank fuck I went out after them.
(audience laughs)
So, I got a bit of walking the dog.
What else do we do to relax?
Let's hear people shouting out.
- [Man] Self-gratification.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
Do you just tell yourself you're brilliant,
or do you have a wank?
(audience laughs and applauds)
(Sarah laughs)
No, 'cause listen, 'cause I did a show in Birmingham,
and I asked a man there
how he relaxed when he got in from work,
and he said one word.
The beginning of the word sounded really happy,
and midway through the word it just changed
and sounded desperately sad.
I said, "How would you relax when you get in from work?"
And he went, "Masturbation."
(audience laughs)
I don't find that very relaxing.
Am I sharing too much?
(audience laughs)
I don't find masturbation very relaxing,
'cause I'm a bugger for multitasking.
(audience laughs)
I've been known to put me 'tache cream on and go,
"I've got five minutes, I'll have a quick..."
(audience laughs)
But make sure you don't mix your hands up though.
(audience laughs)
And you know what?
You get it done on time, 'cause if you don't,
you can smell burning flesh.
(audience laughs)
Think some people are genuinely appalled by that.
(audience laughs)
And other people are going, "That's a really good idea."
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
How else do you relax?
Shout out different ways.
- [Woman] Wine.
(audience laughs)
- And it was a non-specific amount as well.
(audience laughs)
"Wine."
(audience laughs)
I don't really drink very much.
Anybody a bit like me, doesn't really drink?
(audience cheers)
- Ooh, they sound so sad.
(audience laughs)
We've gotta drive these fuckers home tonight.
(audience laughs)
Are we big drinkers?
Cheer if you do like a drink then.
(audience cheers)
See I'm not a very good drinker.
I've had some quite bad experiences.
I once went out with a friend of mine.
She's lovely, but her husband's a little bit iffy.
And, er...
(audience laughs) Yeah.
Went out for a few drinks.
And the next day I was really ill,
and I rang her and I said,
"I've got no idea why I'm this ill."
We'd only had like two glasses of wine.
And she said, "Oh, that'll be Dave.
He will have spiked your drink."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Really?"
She said, "Oh, yeah.
He spiked mine once with speed,
but I didn't mind so much,
'cause I got loads of hoovering done."
(audience laughs)
So we've got telly,
we've got drinking.
How else do you relax?
- [Woman] Knitting.
- Who the fuck are you?
Where are you?
Knitting?
- [Woman] I'm from Bolton.
- You're from Bolton. Hello!
It means nothing to them, but hello.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers) Ooh. Okay.
(audience laughs)
Do you knit?
Do you just knit like a big long,
I imagine it's just always scarves.
Or do you knit actual things
that you can force onto people as "presents"?
(audience laughs)
- Socks.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- And it does actually look like a sock.
Well done, lady.
- Here's what I was doing-
- Oh, have you brought it
in case you're a little bit bored during the show?
(audience laughs)
"Cocks. She's talking about cocks again."
(audience laughs)
So knitting is a good answer.
My friend said to me, "Have a bath."
She said, "Have a bath.
It's quite a good way of relaxing."
I thought, "It is quite a good idea."
'Cause I normally have showers.
I think showers are more sort of time efficient,
but I still buy all the things
you're supposed to put in the bath.
You know, the lotions, and the potions, and the bath bombs,
all that sort of stuff.
My bathroom looks like I've ram-raided Lush.
(audience laughs)
The only time I ever have a bath
is when I'm in a hotel,
I'm on the road maybe,
and I'm in a hotel room.
I've got a bit of time to meself,
but of course, I don't take me lotions and me potions,
'cause you don't, do you?
Instead I'm stuck with time,
but like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste
(audience laughs)
with which I'm expected to wash a 12-stone woman.
(audience laughs)
I mean me.
(audience laughs)
I don't provide a service.
(audience laughs)
"Come on in, Brenda, get on the scales.
You're all right. Go get your clothes off."
(audience laughs)
So my friend said, "Have a bath," so I had a bath,
and it was all right.
Was all right.
But I thought, "I bet I can make this better."
So I had a cup of tea in the bath.
(audience laughs)
There's something really satisfying
about being the same temperature on the inside
as the outside.
(audience laughs)
I was in the bath the other day,
I had a cup of tea on the go,
had a bath bomb in.
We all know what a bath bomb is,
where it just fizzes around
and makes the water all smell nice and feel nice.
And me boyfriend was walking past the bathroom door,
and I shouted to come in, and he said, "What's the matter?"
And I said, "Doesn't it smell nice?"
And he went, "Oh, it does smell nice."
And I said, "Feel me arm."
And I lifted it out the water and I went, "Feel that."
And he went,
"Ooh, slimy."
(audience laughs)
So I relaxed for about another 20 minutes,
and then it was time to get out of the bath,
but I still had a little bit of tea left,
and I thought,
"I'm not going anywhere till I finish me tea."
So I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out.
And I ended up sitting in an empty bath.
(audience laughs)
I felt a little bit beached.
(audience laughs)
But it wasn't altogether a horrible experience.
Nobody was like spraying us with water,
trying to keep us alive.
(audience laughs)
So I finished me tea,
and as I stood up to get out the bath,
a tidal wave of water came from behind me.
(audience laughs)
I was totally confused.
I looked at the front and it was empty.
I looked behind, still about that much.
(audience laughs)
I'd formed a seal around the bath.
(audience laughs)
With me arse.
(audience laughs)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour
with a brand new show called "Bobby Dazzler."
For all the information about where I'm going, and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.