-You guys, as you know, today is Thanksgiving.
And I'm always thankful for my writers.
They write hundreds -- This is true.
They write hundreds of jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue.
And let's face it -- a lot of those jokes aren't great.
And, honestly, sometimes, I think they just throw in
some real stinkers just to fill up a page
and meet the assignment, which is totally understandable.
But just because the holidays are here doesn't mean
we can get lazy, which means it's time for a
"Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Apologies for the neighborhood dog that's probably barking
after that opening package.
So, here's how this works.
These are real jokes that were actually submitted by
my writers that are unusable for the show.
Some are dumb, some are patently offensive,
and some are just baffling.
And, more importantly, the writers don't know
we're doing this, and because a lot of them
don't watch the show, they'll never know we're doing this.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get to it.
The FBI reportedly searched the site of a former landfill
in New Jersey last month,
looking for the body of union leader Jimmy Hoffa.
To give you an idea how long they've been searching for him,
watch "The Irishman."
According to a new study,
ricotta is the healthiest cheese,
but, still, you "cannoli" have so much.
[ Audience groans ]
Uh, Ian wrote that. Here's Ian.
Looks like a nice guy, but now, you know, if you see him,
hopefully you'll go the other way.
West Virginia senator Joe Manchin is reportedly
in talks for a book deal.
The book will be sold at Barnes & Ignoble.
[ Light laughter ]
I mean, can you imagine sitting and writing a joke where
the punch line is "Ignoble"?
'Cause we don't even hear it right.
That was written by Matt.
There he is.
I mean, that's the haircut of a guy who isn't reading the room.
[ Laughter ]
Today -- Oh, boy, this one.
Today was National Louisiana Day.
Uh-oh! I forgot to "bayou" something.
[ Audience groans ]
Take a look at Bryan. Yeah.
According to a new survey, nearly 25% of Americans believe
or are unsure if the coronavirus vaccine contains a microchip.
The only way to find a microchip is to turn the bag upside down
and pour it directly into your mouth.
Here's the most shocking --
There's something truly shocking about that joke.
At the bottom of each of these, I have asked our head writer,
Alex Baze, to write who wrote them.
so that I can, you know, shame them.
The bottom of this card, it says, "Karen and Ian."
[ Laughter ]
It was a collaboration.
To get that joke, we had to pay two salaries.
[ Laughter ]
"Uh, microchip, something small.
Where do they have small chips? Oh, I don't know."
"Uh, tiny poker chips!"
No! There's got to be something better, Karen!"
"We can do this, Ian!"
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if we're gonna keep all these in,
so let me just say, if you're watching at home
and, at some moment, it went to a full frame that said like,
"Surprise Inspection," that means we cut one.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, well, maybe the same Scollins.
We'll keep Scollins up. He wrote another one.
And, obviously, he's probably --
When he watches this, he'll feel terrible about
ruining Thanksgiving with that Michael Jackson joke.
And he'll say, "Hopefully Baze put in another one
that will win everybody back."
Today was National Sardines Day,
so maybe the wife will let you do it in the can.
Nope. [ Laughter ]
Britain's Prince William, yesterday,
attended the Tusk Conservation Awards
to honor wildlife-protections workers
and also because he's an endangered bald regal.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
This has -- Tanks for nothin'.
This has been "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]
[ Cheers and applause ]