Hey Constant Readers, I’m Andrew, and I’m blown away by the sheer volume of Stephen King movies.
Including ‘It,’ there are over 40 films based on his books.
And that’s not even counting the sequels, TV, and direct-to-video stuff.
In the forty years since Brian DePalma’s ‘Carrie,’ there have been some incredible movies made out of his novels.
But for every 'Shining' or 'Stand By Me,' there’s a 'Silver Bullet' or 'Cell.'
Even some of Hollywood’s most talented filmmakers have had a hard time bringing King to the screen.
And some of these movies have a bad rep that’s not entirely deserved.
So let’s talk about some of the best worst Stephen King movies.
Starting with John Carpenter’s 'Christine.'
The titular 1958 Plymouth Fury is probably more famous than her movie, since
she shows up as an easter egg in a ton of other Stephen King adaptations.
You can see her in ‘Cat’s Eye,’ ‘11.22.63,’ and ‘The Dark Tower,’
She’s even in the trailer for ‘Ready Player One’ and got a shout-out in ‘Regular Show.’
'Ello guvnor!
So what’s her deal?
The film doesn’t really explain it, she’s been killing people literally since she rolled off the factory floor.
Eventually a nerdy kid named Arnie buys her rusty husk off of Old Man Marley.
Her name's Christine.
I like that.
Next thing you know, the possessed car murders the bullies who messed with him and anyone else who gets in their way.
And it all ends in a car vs. bulldozer brawl.
‘Christine’ was Carpenter’s followup to ‘The Thing,’
which is a classic now, but at the time it was a critical and financial failure.
Carpenter needed a hit, so he jumped at the chance to adapt Stephen King’s hot new novel about a haunted car.
He wasn’t really feeling it, though.
In interviews, he talks about how ‘Christine’ was just a gig for him.
But even phoning it in, Carpenter still delivers on the action and atmosphere.
And his synthesizer score is right up there with the best of his classic soundtracks.
The movie is decent enough on its own, but the awesome music puts it over the top.
If you want to see another horror icon come at the King, check out 'The Mangler.'
It’s based on King’s 1972 short story about a possessed laundry machine that feasts on the blood of virgins.
Now, I’m not talking about a Whirlpool of blood or a Maytag of mayhem,
The Mangler is a massive steam press built to fold sheets, and humans, as flat as possible.
The movie was directed by the recently departed Tobe Hooper, the man behind ‘Poltergeist’ and ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The original story is only a few pages long, so he had to get creative to fill the runtime.
First, he threw in a possessed refrigerator because why the hell not.
If you've got any trouble fleshing out a screenplay just throw in a haunted refridgerator.
Then he cast Robert Englund as a crazy old man who wants to feed his niece to the Mangler in exchange for wealth and power.
Accept this blood of my blood. Because I am signing off!
And the movie keeps finding convoluted ways for people to get eaten by this huge, immobile machine.
At least, until the end when it tears itself free and starts chasing Buffalo Bill around.
Honestly, as far as movies about satanic industrial equipment go, you could do a lot worse.
I am investigating a laundry machine with a bad case of demon possession, and I need to examine you to determine whether you're a virgin.
It’s got a pretty fun cast, there’s gore a-plenty,
And apparently enough people liked it to warrant a ‘Mangler’ franchise.
This movie has two sequels!
The creatively titled Mangler 2, and the Mangler Reborn.
To round out our trifecta of King and classic horror directors, let’s check out George A. Romero’s 'The Dark Half.'
For some odd reason, Stephen King likes to write stories where the hero is a famous author. Who would have thunk it.
‘The Dark Half’ is about Thad Beaumont, a high-falutin literary type who wrote gruesome crime thrillers under the pen name “George Stark.”
That's not my book. Isn't it?
No, look here.
The picture's a phony! The name too, George Stark. Phony!
Unlike King, Beaumont had a psychic fetus living in his brain that brought his murderous evil alter-ego to life.
Other than that, they’re pretty similar.
For years, King published some of his more twisted novels under the pen name “Richard Bachman.”
And after the secret was exposed, he wrote ‘The Dark Half’ to explore his feelings about the whole ordeal.
The movie was George Romero’s second collaboration with King, after the awesome horror anthology ‘Creepshow.’
Look! An authentic voodoo doll! Somebody already sent for it.
It’s one of Romero’s only films where he actually got a decent budget and studio backing.
Unfortunately, it underperformed at the box-office and killed his chance at a mainstream career.
He wouldn’t make another movie until ‘Bruiser,’ seven years later.
But ‘The Dark Half’ is a cool glimpse at what kind of films Romero would have made if he’d taken a more conventional path.
Up next, we’ve got 2003’s 'Dreamcatcher.'
It’s about a group of friends who meet every year for a hunting trip in, where else, the woods of Maine.
And they run smack into the middle of an invasion of alien shit-weasels.
Basically, instead of bursting through your chest like a capital-A Alien,
These nasty little worms explode out of your butt.
And things just get crazier from there.
Lord, I will never drink again.
Donnie Wahlberg plays the least convincing mentally handicapped character since Ben Stiller,
Damian Lewis gets hilariously possessed by an smooth-talking alien intelligence,
And we even get to see Morgan Freeman playing against type as a psychopathic soldier.
Scout's honor.
Stop your bleating, laddy-buck! You just avoided a court-martial boy, next time you'll face a firing squad.
The talent isn’t just in front of the camera, either.
It’s directed by Lawrence Kasdan.
From ‘Raiders,’ to ‘Empire’ to ‘Jedi,’ this guy basically wrote my entire childhood.
He did ‘The Force Awakens,’ too, and he’s allegedly responsible for getting Lord and Miller shitcanned from the ‘Han Solo’ movie.
But he didn’t write ‘Dreamcatcher.’
That honor fell to William goddamn Goldman.
The Academy Award-winning writer of ‘All the President’s Men’ and ‘The Princess Bride,' one of my favorite movies.
Inconceivable!
And he even did the screenplay for ‘Misery,’ one of the greatest King adaptations ever.
Please! [SCREAMS]
So how did ‘Dreamcatcher’ wind up such a disaster?
[FARTS]
This one probably has more to do with the source material.
It’s the first novel King wrote after he was hit by a van in 1999.
He was in so much pain that he wrote the entire thing in cursive because it hurt too much to type.
Also, he was stoned out of his goddamn mind on Oxycodone, and it definitely shows.
But if you’re a fan of the over-the-top, unrestrained madness of King at his kookiest,
You’ve got to see ‘Dreamcatcher.’
We're helpless. We're dying.
Fire at will!!!
Actually, if you want to see King’s insanity in high gear, look no further than 'Maximum Overdrive.'
It’s his first and thankfully last attempt at directing his own movie.
Based on his short story ‘Trucks,’ this one continues the theme of inanimate objects murdering everyone in sight.
For my 307th book... Uh... This couple is attacked by, uh... A lamp monster! Oooh!
After Earth passes through the tail of a comet, every machine on the planet comes to life and turns against their squishy human overlords.
Eventually, a group of survivors get trapped inside a truck stop under siege by slaughtering semis.
Emilio Estevez stars alongside a cast of pure ‘90s perfection.
That's a spicy '90s meatball.
You’ve got Pat Hingle, basically the worst Commissioner Gordon ever.
Giancarlo Esposito shows up to get owned by an arcade machine.
And if this irritating newlywed sounds familiar,
What is going on?! I don't know!
That’s Yeardley Smith, just a year before she was cast as Lisa Simpson.
If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.
‘Maximum Overdrive’ is a hilarious experience, as long as you don’t take it super seriously.
Where else can you see a little leaguer crushed by a steamroller,
A guy beaten to death by a soda machine,
Or an ATM call Stephen King an asshole?
This machine just called me an asshole!
Look, if the AC/DC soundtrack or the giant Green Goblin mask on the main evil truck didn’t clue you in,
This film’s tongue is firmly planted in its cheek.
King is a pretty self-deprecating guy, and he’s got a good sense of humor about his books and their wildly inconsistent adaptations.
Unless you’re talking about ‘The Shining.’
So far, ‘It’ is blowing everyone away, and when the dust settles it might find a place alongside the best Stephen King movies.
I can’t say the same for these five films.
But down here, they float too.