(BoJack Horseman Theme Song)
(sighs)
- BoJack, right?
- I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks.
Most people are jerks already.
And we're both a little drunk.
(groans)
- In these heavy times, what Todd needs is an agent.
(grunts)
- Great story Todd, I love our friendship.
- Diane! What do you think?
- Wow.
- Don't forget I'm your agent too! I want ten percent!
- Hello, beautiful.
(sighs)
- Buy me a drink.
- Uh, okay.
- What? Oh, okay.
- I'm gonna kill you!
- I really wanted you to like me Diane.
- I know.
- [TV] I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad.
- Normal. Am I normal? What is happening?
How did you get here?
- I was in your trunk.
- (muttering, mocking Mr. Peanutbutter)
(Chicken clucking)
- Who's this?
- I don't love you.
You don't make me feel less broken.
- I'm gonna drop it all right.
They don't even know how much I'm gonna drop it.
- Elijah Wood?
(fire cackling)
- All right good wife, let's see what ya got.
- [BoJack] Hey Princess Carolyn!
- Is this whoa whoa whoa!
- Hey whoa!
- Boo!
- How'd you think to do all this?
- I don't know, just came to me.
- You look dough-y.
Do you run? Cardio? Anything?
- Should we order some alcohol?
- Heather, could we have a moment?
- [Singing On Radio] This is a pop song. It's 2007.
- Something tells me that's not a reference to your
old standup act.
(muttering underwater)
Here we go! It doesn't hit right away, does it?
(electro music)
Christ!
- Hey!
- What the?
- I need to talk to you.
- I'm on the phone.
- I am not a robot.
I am a human being.
- You wanna make some cuts?
- Ugh critics are the worst.
That's my review of critics.
Listen to that chanting, Diane.
The chanting don't lie.
Sarah Lynn?
(piano music)
(trumpet blow)
- Drone's drone.
(grunts)
- What are you? Are you insane?
(classical music)
(triangle ding)
- That woman is not my mother.
She's lying to us!
- Of course my thoughts and prayers go out
to the victims and their families.
- Of course, yeah.
- That's not true. Yeah, it is.
You stupid piece of shit.
You're a real stupid piece of shit.
(laughing and screaming)
- Oh my god! Um.
- Gecko!
- Princess Carolyn, hi!
- Get them clicks!
(screams)
- BoJack?
- Mom?
- I've never had a brother.
- You guys are doing a bang up job over here.
So sayith Caesar!
(crashes)
- Holy shit a falling clegg light!
- [Man] Sorry!
- Once again, my life has been worsened by a brush
with musical theater.
(cheering and clapping)
Ugh.
(solem music)
No one ever tells you when your mom dies,
you get a free churro.
- I am so sorry.
- And I so don't wanna talk about it.
- Halloween! Halloween!
- Uh well.
Do you think I need to call her?
Or did I leave things open enough where I can
just kinda ghost?
- BoJack!
(gasps)
- Face. Clocks have faces. That's it!
- I must make love to you.
(laughing)
- I need help.
(bell dinging)
Hello? AH!
- Checking in?
- Oh I wouldn't want to step on your toes.
- We wouldn't want that.
- This is Diane. This is Di-.
This is Diane Nguyen, and that's the Croosh.
- The wedding is off!
- Oh so I guess it's all worked out.
(villainous laughter)
- Oh! (snorts)
- You're a drunk.
- Ah ha! Wrong.
I was acting.
- But wouldn't it be nice if it was?
- I should just go to the cast party and try to enjoy.
(gasps)
I felt like a xerox of a xerox of a person.
- [Woman On Phone] The number you are trying to reach
has been disconnected. Goodbye.
- Boy dies if you don't got the pies.
- I wish I could've known about the view from half way down!
- [Woman Singing] Mr. Blue, don't hold your head so low
that you can't see the sky.