Hello, lovely people.
I am very often asked, "Jessica, how can you be so glamorous when you're disabled?"
Oh, my friend!
Have you ever considered maybe I'm glamorous *because* I'm disabled?
We'll dive more into that in a minute.
But let's begin with the announcement that half of you are here for!
It's my birthday!
And my first full line of merch has been released.
Wahey!
The line features varieties on this beautiful coat of arms made by my friend Ashe,
who is more commonly known as Marsupial Pudding; I shall put the link to her website down in the description.
She makes beautiful things.
It includes t-shirts; a hoodie; this sweater;
pillow; mug; socks; [pleased noise] tote bag - all of the goodies.
They're a variety of price points, so some items are more expensive; some are less expensive,
and I tried really hard to work out conversion rates.
Items also come in a variety of colours.
This jumper doesn't have to be purple.
[Exclamation of effort]
This pillow doesn't have to be white!
Apparel comes in the largest range of sizes I could make,
which comes in Extra Small to XXXXXL,
which is five X's, apparently, although I should point out that this sweater is actually apparently a Small -
I've tucked it into my skirt so you can't tell, but some things run big.
(I'm looking into how I can get sizes over that, as well.)
Everything ships worldwide, and you can find all items on the merch shelf
beneath this very video.
Ooo!
If, however, you live in an area where your browser or something does not support this,
I will also put the link to the shop directly into the description down below.
Thank you so much to members of the Kellgren-Fozard Club, who gave me some really good feedback
and helped me to shape the whole collection.
I shall be asking you some more merch-related questions throughout the year,
as I have a plan to release a new item or design [excitedly] every single month!
Some will be spoonie-related; some will be gay;
some will be both!
Some will be just general life stuff.
And please, please, please, please, please let me know on Twitter and Instagram when your things arrive.
Send me photos, because I would love to see those.
On with today's video, though: how to be glamorously disabled.
When I first became ill as a teenager, I realised that accessibility features are...
disgusting!
Beige is the main colour;
cheap plastic wins out,
and my beautiful house is deeply offended!
Over the years, I have developed a variety of ways to make disability aids into beautiful things!
Or beautiful thing into disability aids!
Tip number ten: Diet Coke!
If you've been watching me for a while,
you'll know this one.
But Diet Coke doesn't, you know, make you slim or whatever,
but it *does* stop your nausea *and* stop you from fainting!
Number nine: no need for ugly, plastic handrails -
just put dado rails all over your house.
*All* over your house.
All over!
Genuinely, it's the only safe way I can go up and down stairs.
Massive skirts and petticoats are really helpful in breaking your fall! [Exclamation]
If you don't have great fine motor skills,
tie ribbons onto your zips.
Also super helpful if you cannot reach your back.
And! it just looks really pretty.
Number six: rolling your hair is physiotherapy that makes you look good.
Number five: if your skin is numb, don't risk accidents!
Always wear ginormous oven gloves!
Or else you will burn the sensitive part here a lot.
And it might not hurt when you get down to the first level, but it really does when you get to the third.
This has nothing to do with being glamorous;
it's just a health and safety announcement in the middle of the video.
Number four: if you have back pain, you may have considered wearing some kind of back brace
or waist support,
because compression can really help with the pain,
but they are often HIDEOUS!
Have you considered, instead, wearing
[small gasp] a rather wide and rather tight elasticated belt?
It's not only vintage -
it's very attractive.
Number three:
for some of us with nerve conditions, underwear can be particularly painful.
Especially, you know, if you've got very sensitive skin;
it just--all the rubbing! Ugh!
And, if you happen to have scoliosis, like me,
or some other kind of curvy body
- oh, that underwear cuts in...to your bones!
Now, I have found two things that I think are really, really great.
When I was in Malaysia
at the start of last year, I discovered...non-underwired foam bras.
Like...they're memory foam.
And they hold everything up.
But there's no dicky wiring that eventually comes out and pokes you in the boob.
And--and they have these nice little bits.
Anyway, this one I found in a market in Malaysia.
But I'm going to put some links to others I have found.
And then when it comes to your pants
(which you call "underwear"
in America? No, knickers - whatever you think knickers are)
...Anyway.
Shapewear four sizes too big!
Excellent!
Doesn't dig in at all
anywhere because it has--it spreads out the pressure.
Top tip!
If you find gripping handles hard,
you can tie a pretty little ribbon in between,
then hook your hand around, and pull!
And number one: Wobbly hands - always use a straw!
Side note: it protects your lipstick!
[Sighing]
Honestly, though, the best tip there is is just don't be embarrassed.
Easy to say; hard to do.
When I'm around new people my brain deems as "important,"
I will unconsciously put up with a high level of pain
in order to avoid the embarrassment of asking for the help that I need.
I can't control it; it's just what my brain has decided to do.
No, it's what my brain's been *conditioned* to do.
And it sucks!
But...! And this is largely due to my job being very focused around disability awareness,
so, pretty much everyone around me is aware of my disability and I am very privileged in that way.
But, I do genuinely care
so
much
less
what people think about me.
I've been alive for three decades now,
and for half of that time, I struggled trying to fit into an able-bodied world, and
I was judged harshly because of it.
I pretend to be ditsy because it hurts so much less than,
'Oh, I just dropped that cup because my fingers randomly decided to be straight;'
or, 'I walked into a wall 'cause I just couldn't see it;'
or even, 'I'm not actually late; I genuinely do think I'm on time, I just can't read clocks...'
It was when I became so ill that I was forced off the "normal" life path that I think I began to really live.
Now I tell people proudly about my disabilities, and if they're embarrassed - it's on them.
Ugh. No matter what negativity comes into my life,
I don't allow it to cloud my thoughts; I just throw it back into the world.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that every single day, I am a ray of sunshine, and I never feel gloomy.
That is obviously a big, fat lie.
Never believe anyone who tells you that they are
[falsely happy voice] super happy all day, every day, and they have never shed a tear in their life!
[Normal voice] That is a lie, or else they are on something.
But aging is awesome! It's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Truly.
My life just seems to be getting better year on year, even if my body isn't.
So, yay! Happy Birthday to me.
And here is to many more Happy Birthdays.
I hope you found some of my tips useful.
Please do let me know down below some of your own glamorous thoughts.
And I shall see you in Monday's video.
Mwah!