Can a tampon get lost inside you?
100%; and here's how.
A tampon is inserted in a woman's vaginal canal,
which starts at the flesh curtains,
ring the doorbell, ends at the cervix.
Tampons average about 1.5 centimeters in width,
while a cervical opening is just .3 centimeters.
Therefore, gynecologists say tampons
can't get lost in your body.
But are you really gonna to trust gynecologists?
If they had nothing to hide, they wouldn't be so weirded out
when you ask them to wear a tiny mirror on their forehead,
during your pelvic exam.
Let's say you buy tampons; small ones,
because of your light flow.
They're so small, you keep them in your jeans' tampon pocket.
That's what it's for; 100% confirmed.
You throw your jeans in the wash.
They're a little baggy 'cause you got them at a thrift store;
you're a fiend for deals. You select the hot water cycle
because you know cotton shrinks in heat.
And it works. The jeans come out two sizes smaller;
as does the cotton tampon you left in the pocket.
Next time you're in the bathroom,
you don't even notice the tampon is doll-sized
because you're too busy scrolling on your phone.
No shame. 75% of the population uses social media
while on the toilet.
That's why all those likes come in right after lunchtime.
So you pop it in without inspection,
and the tiny tamp slides up your coochie snorcher,
slinks through the vaginal canal,
and slides right through your cervical opening;
into your gut and wraps around your kidney.
There's no way you're pulling it out in five to eight hours
because your tampon just got lost inside you.
Let's say you never shrink your tampons.
In fact, you buy the largest size
'cause you have an extra heavy flow.
Respect. If you were born in 1700 B.C.,
they would've worshiped you in Crete.
But now, you buy super-plus.
They're expensive but you can afford it.
You work at a start-up. The hours are long,
but the salary is great, and they provide lunch.
Today is eggplant parm. You never had it before.
You give it a try and it's delicious.
You love its hearty taste, it's creamy texture.
What you shouldn't love is the fact
that eggplant is full of prostaglandin,
a hormone used to dilate the cervix during labor.
And you've just licked clean,
three plate fulls of prostaglandin.
You put in your super-plus tampon
and it's like 4:00 AM at the Golden Gate Bridge.
They're letting all the ships through.
It glides through your cervix,
into your stomach and up to your heart.
You should send a search party for that super-plus
because your tampon is now lost inside you.
Let's say you're incredibly careful about what you eat.
In fact, you're a bit of a health freak,
which is why you only use organic tampons
made from 100% biodegradable hemp.
Normally, it takes 450 years for hemp to fully biodegrade,
but you've been drinking kombucha;
wonderful for your digestion. Really helps break things down.
You like it so much, you decide to brew your own.
You find the yeast and mix it with bacteria,
watch it grown into SCOBY.
A proud mom, you delicately transport
the SCOBY to the brew jar;
getting the enzymes and bacteria on your fingers.
Fingers, which you don't wash.
Most soap kills healthy bacteria.
Fingers with you now use to push in your organic tampon.
As your tampon dives in, the kombucha gets to work;
degrading the tampon inside the biome
that is your vaginal canal.
Sucking it through the vaginal lining and into your blood.
Next time you stick your fingers to pull it out,
you'll find nothing
because your tampon has disappeared inside you.
Let's say you don't use tampons. You use a menstrual cup
and there is no way that sucker is getting lost inside you.
And what's great is unlike tampons,
you can leave it in for up to 12 hours, which is important
'cause you're climbing the Zion Narrows in Zion National Park,
a 12-hour grueling hike.
You don't stop to check your menstrual cup.
Why would you? It's good for 12 hours,
which means you don't realize
when your cup starts to overflow.
The blood spills over the sides of your cup
and loosens the suction holding it to your vaginal wall.
The slippery, foldable silicone is sucked up your cervix
like salmon during mating season;
through your belly and into your back.
You can toast your menstrual cup goodbye
'cause it just swam up inside you.
Let's say you don't use any period protection.
You're a free bleeder.
You bleed through all your pants,
which is great in theory, but terrible in practice.
You keep having to buy a new couch,
and it's stressing You out. You develop a hernia.
You don't have time to go to the doctor,
you're spending all your time doing laundry.
You start sleepwalking; common side effect of stress.
One night, unbeknownst to you, you sleep walk to the bathroom,
get a tampon from the medicine cabinet.
Your mom keeps putting them there
because she thinks what you're doing is unladylike.
Shouldn't be a problem,
you'll see the tampon string in the morning,
except, your hernia is a pelvic hernia,
which means it's pressing against your cervix,
causing it to open up to 4 centimeters,
plenty wide to fit your tampon,
which glides through your cervix,
up your throat and into your head.
You're going to have a headache for the rest of your life
because your mom's tampon just got lost inside you.
Let's say you don't have your period
'cause you've reached menopause. You're retired.
You spend your days in your Malibu dream home,
but you're bored. You start shopping online.
See an advertisement for Yoni Eggs.
They're stones that promise energy and friendship.
All you have to do is put them up your vagina.
You buy all three colors.
But when they arrive, they look different than the image online.
That's because at the sorting facility,
your package got switched.
As a final F-you to the tyrannical warehouse boss,
the worker sent all the packages to the wrong locations.
So your parcel accidentally got sent
to an 8-year-old boy in Florida, and you get his Mancala Stones.
You notice they don't look like what you ordered,
but all the product reviews are glowing.
So you pop one in.
This wouldn't be an issue except your cervical lining
has thinned as a result of menopause,
which means the stone, or tampon,
if you're a woman from the Middle Ages...
They put rocks and frogs up there.
It was a real, "We'll try anything," time.
So that sleek, stringless, medieval tampon
slides up your vaginal canal,
right through your loosened cervix, and into your butt.
This piece of history is now lost inside you.
So yes, your tampon can get lost inside you
and travel anywhere in your body.
It's just a matter of when and how.
I'm expert Natasha
Veinblood and my flow is torrential.
You have two kidneys, right?
Yeah. Okay.