WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY WARM UP ACT TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP.
( APPLAUSE ) AMERICA'S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN
ADDRESSED THE NATION ON ALL THE BROADCAST AND CABLE NEWS
NETWORKS, EXPLAINING WHY HE SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR HIS
BORDER WALL.
SO, BY THE TIME THAT THIS IS BROADCAST, WE'RE EITHER IN A
BRAND-NEW STATE OF EMERGENCY, OR THE SAME ONE WE'VE BEEN IN SINCE
NOVEMBER OF 2016.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WAS THIS A FIRST?
IT WAS TRUMP'S FIRST PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS FROM THE
OVAL OFFICE.
THAT FEELS -- WEIRD.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS SO
SHAKEN ON ELECTION NIGHT IS THAT I FORESAW THINGS LIKE THIS
COMING.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR COUSIN'S STAYING WITH YOU AND HE
BRINGS HIS DOG, YOU IMMEDIATELY IMAGINE IT POOPING ON YOUR RUG.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVENTUALLY, IT DOES.
NOW, NORMALLY, PRIME TIME PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES ARE FOR
IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE EISENHOWER EXPLAINING WHY HE'S SENDING
TROOPS TO DESEGREGATE THE SCHOOLS, OR OBAMA DECLARING THE
END OF COMBAT OPERATIONS IN IRAQ, OR BILL CLINTON
ANNOUNCING -- (AS CLINTON)
"HEY, AMERICA, I GOT SOME ACTION.
I'M SO SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) "SO SORRY."
TRUMP'S ADDRESS PRE-EMPTED OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CBS
PROGRAMMING, "F.B.I."
NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S INTERFERED WITH AN F.B.I.
INVESTIGATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK.
I THINK.
RIGHT?
I THINK TRUMP GAVE THAT SPEECH BECAUSE HE MISSES BEING ON
PRIMETIME TELEVISION.
NEXT IT'S GONNA BE -- (AS TRUMP)
"HELLO, 'SHARK TANK,' I AM ASKING FOR $5.7 BILLION DOLLARS
FOR A BORDER WALL.
OKAY.
I HAVE SOLD ZERO UNITS, AND ALSO I AM VERY AFRAID OF SHARKS."
>> FOR THAT REASON, I'M OUT.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, WE TAPE THIS
SHOW AT 5:30, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY REACTION TO THE SPEECH
WILL HAVE BEEN, SO I'M JUST GOING TO COVER MY BASES.
IT'S EITHER CONGRATULATIONS, MR PRESIDENT.
GLAD YOU INTERRUPTED OUR LIVES SO YOU COULD READ YOUR TWEETS
OUT LOUD.
( LAUGHTER ) OR, MY GOD, HE JUST CONFESSED TO
EVERYTHING -- RUSSIA, OBSTRUCTION, HIS DAD
SHOT WARREN G. HARDING!
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HANDED OVER THE PRESIDENCY TO MICHELLE OBAMA
AND THEN GOT INTO THE BACK OF A PADDY WAGON, SCREAMING "I'M THE
REAL CHRISTMAS QUEEN!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE OF THOSE PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP FACES AN UPHILL BATTLE SELLING HIS
VERSION OF THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE POLLS SAY TRUMP IS
BLAMED FOR THE SHUTDOWN BY 51% VERSUS ONLY 32% WHO BLAME
DEMOCRATS.
HUH.
I WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THAT IDEA?
>> I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY
CHUCK.
SO, I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE.
I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
I'M NOT GONNA BLAME YOU FOR IT.
THE LAST TIME YOU SHUT IT DOWN IT DIDN'T WORK.
I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE OF SHUTTING DOWN.
>> STEPHEN: OOH, FOILED AGAIN BY TRUMP'S ARCH-NEMESIS -- HIS
MOUTH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, MOUTH!
AS I SAID, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TRUMP SAID IN HIS SPEECH
TONIGHT, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE WORRIED THAT HE'D DECLARE A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY, WHICH WOULD ALLOW HIM TO CONSTRUCT A BORDER
WALL WITHOUT CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL.
AND THAT'S RIGHT UP TRUMP'S ALLEY.
REMEMBER, HE GOT ELECTED WITHOUT THE VOTERS' APPROVAL.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL
EMERGENCIES ACT, WHICH WAS SIGNED INTO LAW BY PRESIDENT
GERALD FORD BACK IN 1976.
AT THE TIME, FORD NEEDED THE EMERGENCY POWERS TO RESPOND TO
AN EPIDEMIC OF DISCO FEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) SO SAD.
SO TRAGIC.
WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD MEN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING -- THE
ESSENTIALLY ALLOWS TRUMP TO PRONOUNCE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY
ON A WHIM.
CLARIFYING WHAT THE FOUNDERS LAID OUT IN THE CONSTITUTION --
"SHOULD THERE ARISE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY, POWER SHALL BE VESTED
IN THE PRESIDENT TO DO WHATEVS."
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, THE ACT OFFERS NO
DEFINITION OF "EMERGENCY."
WE'RE IN WHAT LEGAL SCHOLARS CALL AN "'AIR BUD' SCENARIO."
"AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THE RULEBOOK THAT SAYS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
CAN'T DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE STRANGEST POWERS THE
PRESIDENT GETS DURING A NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALLOWS HIM OR HER TO
SUSPEND THE LAW THAT BARS GOVERNMENT TESTING OF BIOLOGICAL
AND CHEMICAL AGENTS ON UNWITTING HUMAN SUBJECTS.
THEY CLEARLY ALREADY STARTED ON STEPHEN MILLER.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU MONSTERS!
HE'S A HUMAN BEING!
OR HE WAS.
IF THIS SOUNDS HYSTERICAL AND CRAZY, REMEMBER -- IN THE PAST,
WE'VE RELIED ON PRESIDENTS TO USE SELF-DISCIPLINE WHEN IT
COMES TO EMERGENCY POWERS.
AND, SURE, LINCOLN WAS ABLE TO RESTRAIN HIMSELF, BUT LINCOLN
ALSO KNEW HOW TO CLOSE AN UMBRELLA.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE A
HARD TIME CLAIMING THAT THERE'S A NATIONAL IMMIGRATION
EMERGENCY BECAUSE, UNDER HIS PRESIDENCY, ILLEGAL CROSSINGS
HAVE HIT A 20 YEAR LOW.
AS REPUBLICAN POLITICAL CONSULTANT STUART STEVENS PUT
IT, "THERE ARE NUMEROUS EXAMPLES OF PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES MADE
TO CALM A FRIGHTENED PUBLIC.
THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TO FRIGHTEN A CALM PUBLIC."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S NICE.
AND TO START STOKING THE FEAR, THEY EVEN PULLED MIKE PENCE AWAY
FROM HIS MEAL OF TAP WATER AND HARD-BOILED TOAST TO PREVIEW
TRUMP'S SPEECH ON EVERY CHANNEL --
>> HE'LL TALK ABOUT THE 17,000 PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL RECORDS
THAT WE'VE APPREHENDED AT OUR BORDER.
LAST YEAR ALONE, 17,000 INDIVIDUALS WITH CRIMINAL
HISTORIES WERE APPREHENDED AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
THE APPREHENSION IN THE LAST YEAR OF 17,000 INDIVIDUALS AT
OUR SOUTHERN BORDER WITH PREVIOUS CRIMINAL HISTORIES.
>> STEPHEN: 17,000 PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL HISTORIES?
WOW.
ALMOST AS MANY AS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
AND, YEAH, BUT NO.
SEE, THAT 17,000 COUNTS EVERYONE WHO WAS STOPPED BORDER PATROL AT
EVERY POSSIBLE U.S. POINT OF ENTRY AND TURNED AWAY.
FOR ANY REASON.
IN FACT, AT ALL BORDERS, EVERYWHERE, 360,000 INDIVIDUALS
WERE APPREHENDED BY BORDER PATROL.
OF THOSE, ONLY 6,200 WERE FOUND TO HAVE CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS.
AND, OF THAT, 13%-- OR 800 PEOPLE-- HAVE RECORDS OF
VIOLENCE OR CONVICTIONS FOR SEXUAL OR FIREARMS OFFENSES.
THAT'S A RATIO OF 1 TO 450.
BY CONTRAST, ONE IN 12 ADULT AMERICAN CITIZENS HAS A FELONY
CONVICTION.
ONE IN TWELVE.
THAT MEANS 33 PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE CRIMINALS.
( LAUGHTER ) JOE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
EXPLAINS THE BLACK HAT.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
OF THE PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL RECORDS THAT CROSSED THE BORDER,
ALMOST HALF OF THEM WERE CONVICTED FOR ILLEGALLY ENTERING
OR REENTERING THE UNITED STATES.
GOT IT, SO HALF THE CRIMINALS TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER ARE
ONLY CRIMINALS FOR TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER.
IT'S A REAL CATCH-22.
IN THAT THEY SAID THEY CAUGHT 17,000 BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE 22.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MIKE PENCE WASN'T THE ONLY
ONE MAKING UP A BIG SCARY NUMBER.
HERE'S SARAH HUCKASANDS ON FOX NEWS SUNDAY.
>> WE KNOW THAT ROUGHLY, NEARLY 4,000 KNOWN OR SUSPECTED
TERRORISTS COME INTO OUR COUNTRY ILLEGALLY, AND WE KNOW THAT OUR
MOST VULNERABLE POINT OF ENTRY IS AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- I KNOW THE STATISTIC, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE GOING TO USE IT.
BUT I STUDIED UP ON THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE 4,000 PEOPLE COME-- WHERE THEY'RE
CAPTURED?
AIRPORTS.
>> NOT ALWAYS.
>> AT AIRPORTS.
>> CERTAINLY A LARGE NUMBER-- >> THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS
THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY TERRORISTS THAT THEY'VE FOUND COMING ACROSS
THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO.
>> IT'S BY AIR, IT'S BY LAND AND IT'S BY SEA.
IT'S ALL OF THE ABOVE.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THEY'RE COMIN' BY AIR, LAND, SEA, OUTER SPACE.
HELL, THE SKRULLS CAN DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS ANYTHING.
EVEN OLD LADIES!
BUT CAPTAIN MARVEL'S HERE TO KICK SOME ASS.
AND LOOK HOW YOUNG SAM JACKSON IS!
WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT.
RIGHT, NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
ANYWAY, SO THESE TERRORISTS ARE NOT COMING THROUGH THE SOUTHERN
BORDER.
AND THEY ALSO MIGHT NOT BE TERRORISTS.
TURNS OUT ONLY SIX MIGRANTS-- NOT SANDERS' CLAIM OF 4,000-- ON
THE TERROR WATCH LIST WERE DETAINED.
YES, SIX.
ROUGHLY ONE BOY BAND OF TERRORISTS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT REMEMBER, ONE OF THEM IS THE
BAD BOY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( SINGING )
WITH SO MANY FALSE STATEMENTS COMING OUT OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION, FOLKS HAVE NOT BEEN EXPECTING TONIGHT'S SPEECH
TO CONTAIN A LOT OF TRUTH.
IN FACT, A EUROPEAN GAMBLING SITE WAS TAKING BETS ABOUT HOW
MANY FALSE STATEMENTS WILL PRESIDENT TRUMP MAKE DURING
TUESDAY NIGHT'S TELEVISED ADDRESS?
THE OVER UNDER IS AT 3.5 TAKE THE OVER!
( LAUGHTER ) "GOOD EVENING."
(BUZZER) "MY FELLOW AMERICANS."
(BUZZER) ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, IT MIGHT BE JUST ONE CONSTANT LIE BECAUSE THIS
AFTERNOON TRUMP SAID THAT HE IS WRITING THE SPEECH HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, I BELIEVE HIM.
I BELIEVE HIM PAUSE CBS HAS OBTAINED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE
SPEECH -- "MEXICANS BAD.
WALL GOOD.
LIE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, BEER.
STICK AROUND!