In a world filled with multi-hour install times, premium downloadable content, busted
launches, and multiplayer matches infested with trolls...people keep asking one question:
why aren't video games be as fun as they used to be?
Spoiler alert: they are.
Sure, that old Nintendo 64 shooter might've been a big deal back in the day, but nostalgia
is a powerful drug.
Trust us.
You can't go back again, and it's better to leave well enough alone than to sully your
happy memories by revisiting these classic titles.
Goldeneye 007
What we're going to say might come as a shock, but don't replay GoldenEye.
Just don't.
Yes, GoldenEye is full of once-innovative features like stealth-based challenges, non-linear
levels, and enemies that reacted differently based on where you shot them.
And we know that you have fond memories of staying up all night with friends, pitting
Bond against friends and foes alike and shooting it out in levels like the creatively-named
Facility and Bunker.
But if your copy of GoldenEye somehow makes its way down from the attic, run.
What you remember as a high-octane shooter is really a blurry, uncontrollable mess.
This is partly due to the game's low-resolution textures, straight out of 1997, which developer
Rare had to use to get the game running smoothly.
The controls are even more problematic.
Without a second analog stick on the N-64 controller, basic actions like strafing, sneaking,
and lining up headshots are awkward, making James seem like less of a trained killer,
and more like a chimp who happened to find a rocket launcher.
Let GoldenEye enjoy its retirement in peace.
Bond's earned it.
Resident Evil 2
Continuing the popular zombie-killing franchise, Resident Evil 2 sold itself as an interactive,
George Romero-style flick, with dynamic camera angles, fully voiced dialogue, and a whole
city to explore!
Oh, and lots and lots…. and lots of blood.
At the time, that was dazzling.
Today, games that emulate Hollywood blockbusters are practically their own genre.
And watching your badass zombie killer stumble around drunkenly, thanks to those same dynamic
camera angles that used to look so cool, does not make for a compelling experience.
The more distracted you are by trying to control Leon and Claire, the more you realize that
the much-lauded story doesn't make much sense either—and that's before you even get to
the nonsensical tofu mode.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
"Open" is the operative word in the phrase "open world," and while Grand Theft Auto:
Vice City was groundbreaking back in 2002, it feels constrained when compared to later
Grand Theft Auto titles.
Zooming around Vice City in stolen vehicles is still fun, thanks largely to the game's
nostalgia-drenched '80s vibe, but these days you'll spend a lot of the time focused on
what Tommy Vercetti, your questionable protagonist, can't do, not what he can.
Tommy drowns the second he gets knee-deep in the water.
Tommy can't enter most of Vice City's buildings.
Tommy also can't climb over walls, ride bicycles, or hold more than one gun at a time.
Or even access most of the game's map until he's completed a number of missions.
Vice City may have felt like an open world at the time, but today, it just feels like
a prison.
F-Zero
Before you complain about today's systems having weak launch line-ups, remember that
on the day the Super Nintendo came out, it only had three games: Super Mario World, Pilotwings,
and F-Zero.
If you weren't down for stomping mushroom monsters or… flight simulation, bringing
a high-speed, arcade-style racing game right into your living room was still a ton of fun.
But the Super Nintendo's unique brand of pseudo-3-D doesn't impress like it used to, and without
that hook, F-Zero feels pretty bare-bones.
It doesn't even have a multiplayer mode.
And can you describe any of F-Zero's flat, featureless tracks?
Probably not.
And there are only four different cars to choose from.
What's more: Captain Falcon, F-Zero's mascot, only appears on the box and in the instruction
manual, and not the game itself.
F-Zero established a great formula, but the game itself?
Do yourself a favor and pass this one by as quickly as possible.
Myst
A bonafide a cultural phenomenon, Myst held the record for the best-selling PC game of
all time for 13 years, and it's credited with single-handedly making CD-ROM drives ubiquitous
throughout the '90s.
With a whopping 700 megabytes of storage space available, developer Cyan Worlds crammed Myst
full of breathtaking 640x480 images, thrilling full-motion videos of gears and cranks, and
some grainy footage of a couple of nerds.
"Katherine, my love, I have to leave quickly.
Something terrible has happened."
But simple multimedia isn't really impressive anymore, and calling Myst "dated" is a gross
understatement.
It doesn't help that the game controls like a PowerPoint presentation, or that many of
its puzzles were so obtuse that they were basically random.
Modern entertainment owes a lot to Myst, but if you want to see what all the fuss was about,
you have better options than playing it—like, say, watching the upcoming Myst television
show.
Duke Nukem 3D
What Duke Nukem 3D lacked in Doom's ground-breaking 3-D technology, Quake's haunting atmosphere,
or Half-Life's mature storytelling, it made up for with its foul-mouthed protagonist,
pop culture references, and full-frontal nudity.
If you were 12 in 1996, that was enough to instantly elevate Duke Nukem 3D to Game of
the Year.
Today, there's no need to get your jollies looking at pixelated ladies.
The jokes wear thin as you get older, too.
Let's face it, calling a Disneyland knock-off "Babe Land" isn't exactly the height of satire.
While we're at it, let's just call it out: all of Duke's best lines were stolen from
Army of Darkness, where Bruce Campbell delivered them better.
"Hail to the king."
'Hail to the king, baby."
After spending hours and hours with Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, and Bulletstorm,
Duke's edge seems awfully dull.
As a first-person shooter, Duke Nukem 3D actually holds up pretty well.
We just wish it didn't embarrass itself while we played it.
"Let's rock."
Warcraft: Orcs and Humans
Even the people who made Warcraft, the real-time strategy game that provided the basis for
Blizzard Entertainment's current empire, say it hasn't aged well.
When asked if Warcraft will ever get a modern remaster like so many other games, Blizzard
co-founder Frank Pearce had a pretty blunt answer: no.
"Warcraft: Orcs & Humans was awesome for its time.
I promise you, in today's world, by today's standards, it's just not that fun anymore."
Pearce doesn't explain what, exactly, makes Warcraft feel so dated, but tedious large-scale
maneuvers, limited roadside building, and rudimentary enemy AI are probably all part
of it.
Oh, and Warcraft doesn't run on modern machines without an emulator.
A game that you literally can't play?
That's one that hasn't aged well at all.
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