2020 -
we've nearly done it.
Hopefully.
On the 31st of December at 11:59:59
it won't simply just roll over to 60 seconds.
That would not be good.
Now to save you the traumatic experience
of trying to remember exactly what happened in 2020 for yourselves,
I've done it for you!
So here we go,
a 12 month review of what happened in 2020,
for posterity.
We'll start, as this tradition, with the first month of the year:
February.
January!
Roll the tape.
January, January, January…
Remember January? I’m not sure I do, actually…
It was a long time ago...
Let me see.
Actually it started off with pretty harmless news, really.
Harry and Meghan decided
that they wouldn't really be royals anymore,
a night train arrived in Brussels
for the first time in years,
Spain finally got a government,
and researchers recreated
what a 3 000 year old Egyptian mummy
could have sounded like.
Let's give that a quick listen, shall we?
[mummy sound]
Hmm...
But then the fun and games just kind of ended.
EU scientists said that 2019 was the hottest year on record
as our worst nightmares about climate breakdown
kept coming true.
Devastating bushfires raged in Australia
hurting people and animals alike,
and at midnight on the 31st of January
the UK ceased to be both an EU member
and a serious country.
Although a lot of people had had a lot of suspicions
about that last point for quite some time now,
it must be said.
Most worryingly, the World Health Organization
announced that the spread of what was then a little-known disease
had taken on global proportions
and was a risk to all of us.
It was Covid.
Coronavirus.
I wasn't sure if I was being too vague about that point or not.
February arrived
and although the first corona deaths outside of China
were starting to be reported,
the rest of the world still seemed pretty blasé about it,
looking back in hindsight
Most health experts and leaders were sort of insistent
if you washed your hands properly
everything would be okay.
[humming Beethoven's Symphony No. 9]
In the states, Donald Trump's impeachment trial wrapped up
acquitting the president.
He's still only the third commander-in-chief
to get impeached
and he would go on to set another unenviable record
later in the year
Everyone's favorite green giant actor,
Mark Ruffalo showed up in Brussels
to do not some smashing
but some environmental campaigning.
Ireland went to the polls
and sparked months of government wrangling
and NASA astronaut Christina Koch returned from space
after 328 days,
setting a record for the longest time
spent in orbit by a woman.
To be perfectly honest with you
she'd have been probably better off staying up there,
judging by how the rest of the year panned out.
Greece kicked off what would prove to be
a totally crap month
in style,
by aggressively cracking down on illegal migrants
trying to enter the country.
Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen
hardly made things better
by thanking Athens for being Europe's shield.
"I thank Greece for being our European 'Aspida' in these times."
That sparked a linguistical, philosophical debate
about the Greek word she used, Aspida.
But of course did absolutely nothing
to solve the actual problem.
The EU tried to get things back on track
by revealing its new climate law,
a planet-saving raft of measures
designed to wean is off fossil fuels
and almost cut emissions completely by 2050.
The commission also said that it wanted 2021 to be
‘the European Year of Rail’
and boost train travel in a big way
but then Europe, and the rest of the world,
rather came off the tracks completely really.
Virus cases and deaths started to skyrocket,
it all looked rather worrying and hopeless.
Governments decided to lock down their countries
and the pause button was hit on life as we then knew it.
MEPs voted on mass remotely for the first time
and Belgium got its act together
and formed a government under Sophie Wilmes.
People also started to hoard toilet roll,
the loonies,
in what proved to be
one of the most bizarre aspects of the pandemic.
*whistles innocently*
April! What can I say about April?
A month to forget, let's face it.
We were all in lockdown,
learning how to get on with life from home.
Those of us lucky enough to do a job
that could be done remotely
we're trying to do business as usual
while frontline workers had to stay out there -
in the real world.
Hungary's Viktor Orbán got lawmakers
to give him sweeping emergency powers,
Keir Startmer took over from Jeremy Corbyn
as leader of the UK Labour party
and Joe Biden became
the Democrat party’s de facto candidate
after Bernie Sanders pulled out.
More on that guy later.
But first an event that most movie producers
would probably dismiss as unrealistic
and probably just a bit too hard on the nose
if it were included in any sort of movie script.
Wildfires, some man-made,
raged in the area around Chernobyl
threatening to release radioactive ash into the air
just as the world battles deadly disease.
It's at points like those you just have to ask yourself:
Do we bring all of this misery on ourselves?
May! May, May, May, May.
May was a bit of a strange one too,
when you think.
EU countries started to come out of lockdown
the EU seemed almost hell-bent on ‘saving the summer’
and protecting tourism.
In the United States, George Floyd was killed by police
sparking protests across the country
and indeed the world.
Germany had a bit of a strange one as well.
It's court to rule that burning the EU flag
should be illegal and even come with a prison sentence
and then they decided that the European Central Bank
had exceeded its powers,
sparking what could have been a bit of an institutional crisis for the EU.
And still might too.
The European Commission also unveiled its farm to fork strategy,
a wide sweeping plan
meant to make farming more environmentally friendly
and our food healthier.
Airlines like Air France and Lufthansa
were on course to get billions in bailout cash
and the Commission debuted its Next Generation EU
€750 billion virus fund.
That was a bit of a bright spark really.
Billions of euros for the virus recovery,
the commission was praised for being bold
in what could and what couldn't be funded.
But as we would see later in the year,
getting approval for budgets and funding
is not exactly the easiest thing in the world
June was the month of hope.
As we got to the middle part of 2020,
virus cases were plummeting in Europe,
health experts said that
the first wave of the virus was essentially over
and vaccine researchers had even started doing human trials.
Maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel after all.
But of course we had plenty of other things
to worry about in the meantime.
Ahead of the polish presidential election
incumbent Andrzej Duda said that he would ban
the teaching of LGBT issues in schools,
statues of historic problematic figures across Europe
were torn down or vandalized
and EU leaders struggled to agree
on border re-openings and safe lists.
Everyone's favorite nightclub bouncer-turned-prime minister
Bulgaria’s Boyko Borissov
was pictured sleeping with a gun in his bed
and €500 notes stashed in his nightstand.
I mean, it's hardly Goodfellas
but at least it was more entertaining than The Irishman…
[yawn]
July was another month of decreasing cases in Europe
and hope slowly started to build
that maybe, just maybe
the pandemic was over.
but that it were so simple, huh?
German tourists in Mallorca were the first to spark concerns
that our summer fun would lead to a second wave,
while the UN called for all conflicts to at least pause.
Andrzej Duda ended up
narrowly winning Poland's presidential election.
Funny to think that the rule of law mess
at the end of 2020 could well have been avoided
or at least mitigated
if Duda had actually ended up losing that vote.
I mean you could argue that it was an
EU sliding doors moment of 2020.
It took a marathon set of talks
but EU leaders signed off on the bloc’s next budget
and the €750 billion recovery plan.
This was a pretty big deal.
Took ages but it was pretty historic.
It wasn't the Hamilton moment that people thought it would be
but for the very first time,
the EU would mutualize debt on a big scale
and then hand out most of it in grants.
Frugal four be damned.
When the Summit was over,
everyone went on holiday completely care-free…
Almost...
August.
August was a bit of normality
for those of us lucky enough to escape somewhere hot and sandy.
A brief respite from the trash fire that was 2020 at the time.
But of course the pandemic was still there,
lurking in the background,
ready to come back with a vengeance.
And world events didn't exactly make life any brighter
being oblique as they were
Belarus held its presidential elections,
long-time leader Aleksandr Lukashenkowon in a landslide
but of course the vote was rigged.
Russian opposition figurehead Alexei Navalny
was poisoned with nerve agent,
his life was saved by quick-thinking airline pilots
and probably thanks to treatment received in Germany as well.
In Lebanon, a massive explosion of Beirut's port
left scores dead and devastated the capital,
plunging the already struggling country
into even deeper crisis.
It was all a bit much really.
Disaster after disaster,
piling on top of one another.
Life didn't used to be this bleak, did it?
Did it?
I mean many of us came back to the real world
at the end of the month,
hopeful that the end of 2020
would even be slightly less dark and dismal
than the first half.
Didn't exactly pan out that way though really, did it?
Especially not for Irish Commissioner Phil Hogan
who had to resign admit the now infamous golf gate.
Golf.
Boring and career-ending in equal measure.
It also ruins a good walk as well.
September, September.
Right you know the drill by now.
It wasn't that long ago,
virus cases started to surge again,
governments scrambled to either lock down their countries
or convince us
that lockdowns weren't worth the economic aggro
that would come with them.
Look how that worked out, ey?
And then September there was a bit of a hopeful one
in terms of the climate crisis.
You know, that horrible, horrible thing
lurking in the background
that is probably going to make coronavirus
look like a walk in the park.
But there were glimmers of hope,
there were, I promise.
In her first State of the Union speech,
Ursula von der Leyen said that the EU
would upgrade its 2030 emissions cutting target
"...to at least 55 percent."
China revealed it was thinking about going carbon-neutral,
and Airbus unveiled its plan to develop zero-emission hydrogen aircraft.
Donald Trump also amused Austrians
and the rest of us quite frankly
when he insisted that they all live in forest cities.
It all brought back rather fond memories
of when he insisted that Finns prevent wildfires
by breaking the forest floors.
Ah, I'm gonna really really miss his lunatic ramblings.
They don't do any damage whatsoever.
After the relative laugh riot that was September
October returned us firmly to our 2020 vibe.
Dark nights were drawing in,
lockdowns were back with a bang,
cases and deaths were on the increase
and in France,
teacher Samuel Paty was brutally murdered.
That prompted Emmanuel Macron
to embark on a fierce defense of freedom of speech
which has stoked tensions in France and Europe ever since.
The EU told the UK government
it will pursue legal action
if new Brexit rules end up jeopardizing the Irish peace process.
"The Uk's positions are far apart from what the EU can accept."
And the budget battle between EU countries and MEPs
threatened to derail the talks completely.
Didn't stop people here in Brussels
having a time for a pointless debate though.
Crucial career skill here, of course.
The European Parliament voted itself into a frenzy
over whether veggie burgers can actually be called burgers.
Spoiler!
They can.
Well, well, well, November,
November, putting its hand up as candidate
to be the least crap month of the year.
Where to start, where to start, where to start...
Oh yes, Donald Trump lost.
Donald Trump lost the US presidential election.
Donald Trump lost.
He might not have actually conceded
by the time this video goes out.
But who else can't wait to see him being dragged,
kicking and screaming, out of the White House?
Most EU leaders congratulated Joe Biden
but not Slovenias Janez Jansa.
He was still touting the idea that it was all a fix
that Trump was robbed.
Elsewhere, big pharma, normally the big bad villain,
revealed itself to be our knight in shining armor
with its viable vaccines.
Pope Francis got into a bit of a bother though
after his instagram account liked a risque photo
posted by a Brazilian lingerie model.
I'm sure Frankie was only on the gram
for the baking and the cat pictures,
I mean that's why the rest of us are here, right?
What would the EU be without a bit of drama
and last minute bickering though?
Remember that budget deal back in the summer?
Well Hungary, Poland and Slovenia did NOT like
the rule of law criteria tacked onto the cash on the table
so they decided to veto it.
I mean it's not like they're in the middle of a crisis
or anything like that, is it lads? Come on!
Bulgaria also pulled the rug from under North Macedonia
deciding to block EU membership talks
until its demands over historical names and languages are met.
To be perfectly frank,
and this goes out to all North Macedonians watching this,
you might be better off not joining the EU.
I mean, I'm British and you know,
we're doing quite fine outside of... outside of the EU..
It's quite good French wine actually.
December arrived, the most festive month of the year.
One final round against 2020 before we could call it quits
and bring this entire sorry year to an end.
Fantastic. Who could wait?
And it all started off in bizarre circumstances
as a Hungarian MEP was caught in a compromising position
by the police right here in Brussels
in what was described as a drug-fueled orgy.
I mean whatever happens behind closed doors
is nobody else's business
apart from the consenting adults with whom it takes place
but when there's 25 of you at least
and we're in the middle of a pandemic
it becomes everyone else's business, right?
Poland and Hungary finally saw sense
and dropped their budget veto.
That allowed leaders to sign off on the 2030 climate target too.
and UK minister Michael Gove,
a man who looks like an android built out of sausage meat
revealed that European Commissioner Maroš Šefčovič
is nicknamed the 'Sausage King of Brussels'
- probably best not to ask why.
And there we go.
That was it. That was December.
That was the entire year.
Yeah, one to forget, huh?
Who knows if there was a Brexit deal
by the time you're watching this
negotiations could probably be going on as we speak.
And who cares.
I'll be somewhere trying to forget that whole thing ever happened
and I hope that you'll be able to do the same as well.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy new year
And we'll do it all again in 2021.
Hopefully in happier circumstances.
Cheers!
So there we go.
2020 that was it.
How uneventful.
Three things for you to remember from this year.
One, the European Union is capable of great, historic things.
It just needs to do them more
on a more consistent basis.
Two, we've got to start looking after each other more and more.
This year has proven that we are really lacking in that department.
Step it up people.
And three,
Nature.
If you look after nature it will look after you.
How many of you have taken solace
in a walk in the park or just spending time with a dog
or a cat over the course of the last nine months?
I bet it's loads of you.
And that's it.
Get lost, go on go and have a nice Christmas
and nice new year,
ready for 2021.
Who knows what it will bring.
And that's it.
Go away.