LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "LATE SHOW"."
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING HAPPY THURSDAY.
APRIL FOOLS, IT'S FRIDAY!
HA-HA.
THAT WAS FUN.
( LAUGHTER )
TALKED ABOUT IN A WHILE: COVID.
WE TALKED ABOUT IT PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY FOR TWO YEARS.
BUT IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS, IT'S BECOME CLEAR THAT IT'S OVER, IN
THAT IT'LL NEVER BE OVER.
SO, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN.
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
YOU SEE, COVID IS STILL OUT THERE, AND LAST WEEK, OVER HALF
OF THE NEW CASES WERE OMICRON BA.2, WHICH SOME CALL "STEALTH
OMICRON," WHICH I CALL B.S. ON
SOMETHING CAN'T BE ST STEALTH IF WE'RE DETECTING IT EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S THE VIRAL EQUIVALENT OF A NINJA WEARING A ROAD-WORK VEST.
BIG FANS OF ROAD CONSTRUCTION HERE.
THE WHITE HOUSE, IN RESPONSE, IS PROPOSING TO JACK UP THE
F.D.A.'S BUDGET, "WITH MUCH OF THE $2.1 BILLION INCREASE AIMED
AT PREPARING FOR ANOTHER PANDEMIC."
AH-AH!
YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER PANDEMIC UNLESS YOU FINISH YOUR FIRST
ONE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHICH YOU NEVER WILL, MISTER.
WHICH YOU...
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE THE PANDEMIC FIRST HIT, AND WE ALL
REMEMBER WHEN THE GOVERNMENT RUSHED TO PROVIDE RELIEF TO
ORDINARY AMERICANS.
AND IT TURNS OUT, SOME OF THOSE ORDINARY AMERICANS ARE
EXTRAORDINARY JERKS, BECAUSE PROSECUTORS ARE NOW SAYING THAT
FOLKS RIPPING OFF PANDEMIC RELIEF WAS "THE LARGEST FRAUD IN
U.S. HISTORY."
REALLY?
I THOUGHT THE LARGEST FRAUD WAS THE CLAIM THAT "AMERICA RUNS ON
DUNKIN."
( LAUGHTER )
AND A FROZEN MOCHA COOLATA, I AM NOT RUNNING ANYWHERE.
I AM BARELY CRAWLING TO THE COUCH.
( APPLAUSE )
NOT TONIGHT?
SOME OF THE FRAUD TOOK PLACE WITH THE PAYCHECK PROTECTION
PROGRAM, P.P.P., WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP SMALL
BUSINESSES KEEP THEIR WORKERS EMPLOYED.
THING IS, MANY OF THOSE BUSINESSES AND WORKERS WHO
RECEIVED THE MONEY DIDN'T EXIST.
FOR EXAMPLE, ONE WOMAN "CLAIMED TO GENERATE OVER $800,000 IN
INCOME AND EMPLOYED FIVE INDIVIDUALS FROM A FARM BASED IN
THE YARD OF HER FLORIDA HOME."
OKAY, SOUNDS FISHY, BUT YOUR HOME CAN BE A FARM BECAUSE,
LEGALLY, IN FLORIDA, METH IS A VEGETABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- FRESH.
FRESH.
BRING IN THE CROP.
THESE CROOKS WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN
COOPERATIVE.
ONE CALIFORNIA COUPLE SLICED OFF THEIR ELECTRONIC MONITORING
BRACELETS AND VANISHED IN AUGUST, LEAVING BEHIND THEIR
THREE TEENAGE CHILDREN.
WOW!
ON THE DOWN SIDE, MASSIVE FRAUD.
ON THE UP SIDE, HOUSE PARTY AT BRANDY'S.
TURNING TO THE WAR IN UKRAINE, THERE'S STILL A WAR IN UKRAINE,
BUT AT LEAST THERE'S STILL A UKRAINE, AND THAT'S ALL BECAUSE
UKRAINIAN CITIZENS KEEP UP THE HEROIC RESISTANCE.
TO THE RUSSIAN INVASION.
AND THAT HEROISM HAS TAKEN SOME INTERESTING FORMS LATELY.
FOR INSTANCE, AFTER RUSSIA BOMBED A ZOO IN KHARKIV, ONE
WORKER DROVE A VAN PACKED WITH KANGAROOS AND WALLABEES TO
SAFETY.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS ADORABLE!
AND THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE KANGAROOS HAVE BEEN
TARGETED, BECAUSE THE ANIMALS' ENCLOSURES HAVE BEEN "REPEATEDLY
SHELLED."
IT'S A STORY CHRONICLED IN THE HEARTWARMING FAMILY COMEDY "WE
BOMBED A ZOO."
STILL CAN'T BELIEVE MATT DAMON DID THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
SOME OTHER SURVIVING ANIMALS WERE ALSO SAFELY EVACUATED, LIKE
GREAT APES, MONKEYS, AND TURTLES.
WELL, THAT CAN'T HAVE BEEN EASY.
"GO, TURTLE!
I'VE OPENED YOUR CAGE!
GO!
FREE!
RUN LIKE THE WIND!
THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING.
COME ON!
AND IT JUST-- YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT.
JUST DUCT TAPE THE TURTLE TO THE MONKEY."
( LAUGHTER )
FOUL-SMELLING BEASTS: THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE HAD-- IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I SUPPOSE.
OLD HOME WEEK.
WE HAD A NEW OFFICIAL STATEMENT THIS WEEK FROM OL' CULT 45.
AS THE JANUARY 6 INVESTIGATION CONTINUES TO CLOSE IN ON HIM AND
HIS CRIMINAL ASSOCIATES, OF COURSE HE TALKED ABOUT THE ISSUE
EVERYONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT: HIS GOLF GAME.
A QUICK REMINDER: OVER A YEAR AGO, MY DOCTOR ADVISED ME TO
STOP DOING MY IMPRESSION OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT BECAUSE IT
WASN'T VERY GOOD.
SO, INSTEAD, ONCE AGAIN, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL HAVE THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT, ACTUAL STATEMENT, READ BY
SOMEONE WITH HIS SAME LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY:
A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY.
JIM?
>> MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING, SO I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU NOW, IT IS
100% TRUE.
WHILE PLAYING WITH THE LEGENDARY GOLFER ERNIE ELS, WINNER OF FOUR
MAJORS AND APPROXIMATELY 72 OTHER TOURNAMENTS THROUGHOUT
THE WORLD; GENE SAUERS, WINNER OF THE SENIOR U.S. OPEN; KEN
DUKE AND MIKE GOODES-- BOTH EXCELLENT TOUR PLAYERS-- I MADE
A HOLE IN ONE.
>> Stephen: NOW, NOW, REMEMBER, KEEP THIS IN MIND.
HE SAID THIS IS 100% TRUE.
SO, I HAVE NO DOUBT HIS HOLE IN ONE IS JUST AS REAL AS HIS
LOVING MARRIAGE.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH MORE:
>> IT TOOK PLACE AT TRUMP INTERNATIONAL GOLF CLUB IN WEST
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, ON THE SEVENTH HOLE, WHICH WAS PLAYING
181 YARDS INTO A SLIGHT WIND.
I HIT A 5-IRON, WHICH SAILED MAGNIFICENTLY INTO A RATHER
STRONG WIND, WITH APPROXIMATELY FIVE FEET OF CUT, WHEREUPON IT
BOUNCED TWICE AND THEN WENT CLANK, INTO THE HOLE.
>> Stephen: CLANK?
GOLF BALLS DON'T CLANK.
DOES HE NOT KNOW WHAT THINGS SOUND LIKE?
WHAT KIND OF SEE-AND-SAY DID HE HAVE AS A KID?
>> THE COW SAYS-- >> AAAAH!
>> WILL SMITH JUST SMACKED THE (BLEEP) OUT OF ME.
>> Stephen: THE STATEMENT SOMEHOW GOES ON:
>> ANYWAY, THERE'S A LOT OF CHATTER ABOUT IT, QUITE
EXCITING, AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SEEM TO BE ASKING FOR THE FACTS.
PLAYING WITH THAT GROUP OF WONDERFUL, TALENTED PLAYERS WAS
A LOT OF FUN.
THE MATCH WAS ERNIE AND ME WITH NO STROKES AGAINST GENE, MIKE,
AND KEN.
I WON'T TELL YOU WHO WON, BECAUSE I AM A VERY MODEST
INDIVIDUAL, AND YOU WILL THEN SAY I WAS BRAGGING, AND I DON'T
LIKE PEOPLE WHO BRAG!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, BECAUSE-- BECAUSE HE CONSTANTLY LIES,
THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW IF HE ACTUALLY GOT A HOLE IN ONE.
IT'S A LESSON WE ALL LEARNED IN THAT CHILDREN'S BOOK, "THE BOY
WHO CRIED GOLF."
( LAUGHTER )
STUPID STORY IS, THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF STUPID LIFE STUPID
SHOULD BE LIVING.
FORGET POLITICS, SIR.
INSTEAD OF LYING ABOUT WINNING AN ELECTION, YOU CAN JUST LIE
ABOUT WINNING WHATEVER DUMB COMPETITION THEY'VE GOT GOING ON
AT YOUR CLUB!
I WOULD BE SO HAPPY TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE HEARING MORE
STATEMENTS LIKE THIS: >> MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING, SO
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU NOW: IT IS 100% TRUE.
WHILE DINING WITH THE LEGENDARY COMPETITIVE EATER, JOEY
CHESTNUT, WINNER OF APPROXIMATELY 14 MAJOR NATHAN'S
HOT DOG EATING CONTESTS, AND BILL BARR AND STEVE BANNON,
BOTH EXCELLENT EATERS, I MADE A DOG IN ONE.
I WAS EATING INTO A SLIGHT WIND, WITH APPROXIMATELY FIVE INCHES
OF CHILI.
I SHOVED IT IN MY MOUTH, WHEREUPON IT BOUNCED TWICE AND
THEN WENT CLANK, INTO MY TUMMY.
THE MATCH WAS JOEY AND ME, WITH NO STROKES.
EXCEPT FOR BILL BARR, WHO HAD A MINOR STROKE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE KEN BURNS, MANDY PATINKIN, AND A SPECIAL
APPEARANCE BY JOHN C. REILLY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪