-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
-[ Cheers and applause ] -What a crowd.
-That's fantastic. -It feels great.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Well, guys, this is very exciting.
Today, New York lowered the COVID vaccine eligibility
to 50 years old.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So good news -- now every New York City hot dog
can get the vaccine.
-Aww.
-Yep, New Yorkers will do anything to get vaccinated.
This morning, I saw Times Square Elmo getting gray streaks.
[ Laughter ]
He was wearing a mask.
-Yeah, that's true. -Yeah. Technically.
Dropping the age requirement to 50 is super-exciting
until you go for your shot and no one checks your ID.
It's like -- "Don't you want to see proof?"
It's like, "No. You're -- You're fine."
My mom would do that all the time.
Like, "I got my ID checked today at the store."
I go, "They didn't think you were 21 years old?"
[ Laughter ]
She really did do that. Oh, gosh.
Honestly, this really means that everyone's eligible
'cause, after the last year, even kids look 50.
[Inhales sharply]
[Gravelly voice] "What do I have to do
to get a Go-Gurt around here?"
Meanwhile, today in Russia, Vladimir Putin
got his COVID vaccine,
but the Kremlin wouldn't say which vaccine Putin got.
-Ooh.
-Yep, it will either be Sputnik V, COVID-Vac,
or Smirnoff & Smirnoff.
The nurse asked which arm, and Putin said, "Left pec,"
and then galloped away shirtless on a horse.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, by getting the vaccine,
Putin made history as the first Russian
to get injected with something and live to talk about it.
[ Audience groans ]
I mean, normally, when a Russian
gets injected, they're either being poisoned
or preparing for the Olympics. Let's be honest.
-[ Audience groans ] -Woman: Nice!
-[ Laughs ] I got a "nice" on that.
-Wow. "Nice!" -Somebody said, "Nice!"
That's the thing about these tinier, smaller crowds.
-They're intimate. -Yeah, they're actual --
Verbal feedback. -Yeah.
-"Nice!" All right. I'll take "nice."
Speaking of the pandemic, I saw that DoorDash will now
deliver COVID test kits to your house.
Yeah, the DoorDash guy will hook you up with fast food,
COVID tests, and, after a long enough pause, weed.
[ Laughter ]
"Here's your delivery. Here's your test.
[ Clears throat ]
All right. All right. Let me see what I got."
I got to be honest. It's a little strange
getting medical supplies from the same guy
who bought you lunch from Fuddruckers.
Get this. I saw that the theme park
Disney California Adventure just reopened.
That's right. You can pay $75
to walk around the park and buy stuff,
but none of the rides are running.
The CEO of Disneyland was on the news to talk about it.
Check it out.
-We're certainly going to be operating
under some significant capacity constraints,
but there's still plenty of things you can do at the park
like...
Ohh. That sounds -- That sounds fun.
"Hey. Hey. We're on the tea cups.
We're on the tea cups!"
Some news --
Some news out of Washington this week.
President Biden's team is working on a $3-trillion
proposal for jobs, education, and infrastructure.
Yeah. $3 trillion.
Does Joe Biden have a bunch of bitcoin we don't know about?
Yep, the plan will cost $3 trillion,
and it will be paid for in quarters
Biden finds behind your ear.
"Hey, whippersnapper."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, to pay for his plan,
Biden may raise taxes on corporations.
And you can tell big corporations aren't happy.
This morning, when Biden asked his iPhone for the weather,
Siri was like...
-Siri: Try opening a window, bitch.
-Ohh! Indeed!
[ Applause ]
That is rude!
-This was interesting. According to the White House,
Biden and former President Obama talk on the phone all the time.
Yeah, it's strange when those guys talk.
Half the time, the other is thinking,
"Will this guy wrap it up already?"
Biden and Obama actually have a great relationship,
I mean, compared to the last president,
who tried to have his VP murdered!
[ Laughter ]
Some business news. I saw that Popeyes just announced plans
to open its first restaurant in the UK.
Oh, man, the monarchy is already on the brink of collapse.
I don't think they can handle a chicken-sandwich war.
Yeah, at long last, people of the UK will be able to taste
that exotic delicacy -- chicken on bread.
[ Laughter ]
[British accent] "My word, what do you call this?
-[British accent] "Insane!
-This isn't a scone at all!
-Someone call the Earl of Surrey!"
-It's a buttermilk biscuit!"
-"Wait. This chicken is fried!"
-Listen to this. There's a new study
that found that, on average,
people gained 2 pounds per month during quarantine.
Keep in mind, some of that weight
is just layers of sweatpants
that are now melded to your body.
People are like, "Whoa. Hang on.
I got injected with the vaccine. That's got to weigh something."
We all knew something was up because over the last year
either our masks got smaller or our faces got bigger.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
And, finally, this is crazy.
A Utah man's Ring doorbell camera
captured four cougars outside his front door.
Take a look at this.
Look at that.
Yeah. When he looked back later, he saw an empty pizza box
and a torn red shirt that said "Papa John's."
[ Laughter ]
You know when I heard about four cougars on a camera,
I thought it was going to be the trailer
for the new "Sex and the City."