Are you dealing with a narcissist in some sort of a negotiation and you feel like you just
aren't getting anywhere? Maybe you just feel like they're constantly moving that goal post.
By the end of this video, you're going to know why a narcissist does that, and you'll be able
to spot it and stop it with the tips that I'm about to give you. Hang on and watch till the
end of this video. Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, Top 1% Attorney and the best-selling author of the
books Negotiate Like YOU M.A.T.T.E.R and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide. I've helped
millions of people go from lives of drama, trauma, chaos, and toxic stew,
and helped them break free and break into lives of new freedom, possibility, new beginnings,
and new futures. I do the same thing for you on this channel and in these videos.
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Let's talk about why a narcissist does that? Why do they constantly move the goal posts
in negotiations? Well, first of all, I think it's important that you understand what's going on in
the mind, the mentality of a narcissist so that you can understand why they do that. A narcissist
feeds on what we call narcissistic supply, that's what's going on in the mind of a narcissist.
They have no inner sense of self. They have to get derived all of their value from the external
world, and they do that in what we call a form of what we call narcissistic supply.
And supply is basically anything that feeds their ego,
and it's really not just an ego trip like for what would be great for most of us. All of us love to
feel seen, heard, know that we matter, that's part of being a human. I look at narcissism as like on
a continuum. We all want to feel, seen, heard, and know that we matter. But most of us also can
see that that's how other people want to feel as well, and so we feel love for them, we feel care
for them, we feel compassion for them. Narcissists are they live in this world of scarcity, it's like
survival for them. They feel like if they give anything, or if somebody else gets something,
then that means they can't have it. That somehow that they're not going to survive or the world is
going to come crashing down on them. Narcissistic supply has become their
lifeblood, their oxygen, their food, it's what they need to live on. When they're dealing
with somebody in litigation, it just becomes five million times worse. They're exactly how they were
during the relationship, but on steroids. Now when you're into that discard phase of a relationship,
and if you want to know more about the discard phase, you should definitely check out my video
on narcissistic discarding. But that's when you start to see the birth of the smear campaign.
That's when they start to line up their flying monkeys and they start to go, "Okay,
I need to take this other person down before they take me down. I need to go on the offensive
and go nuts on them." They have an agenda,
and that agenda is to take you down. Right from the beginning, you are on a completely different
path, a completely different mindset than the narcissist. Because the reasonable person,
you, reasonable person will think, "Well, I don't want to spend a lot of money on lawyers.
I don't want this to be a long drawn out process. What does the law say? Let me figure that out
and let me figure out what's fair under the law." You have this mistaken belief
that that's where they are too. That they also want that, and they will even tell you that,
"Why are you being so unreasonable? Why can't you just settle this case? Why are you dragging
this out?" They'll project all of that out onto you. You'll be sitting and thinking,
"But you're the one who's dragging it out. You're the one who filed all these extra pleadings.
You're the one that falsely accused me of child abuse or domestic violence, or whatever it is."
But they'll say that you're the one dragging it out. The reason why they do that, it comes back to
that concept of narcissistic supply. That supply is what they get from dragging out the court case,
or moving that goal post on you because they enjoy watching you squirm. They enjoy the
process of seeing you grovel, of seeing you be afraid, of seeing you feel intimidated,
of keeping you involved in the situation. I've had clients who were narcissists who said to me, "I'd
rather pay you than her or you than him." Because they, actually, why would they say that? Why would
they say I'd rather pay the attorney than the other person? Yes, on the surface it looks like
because they don't want the other person to have the money. But why? Why is that?
It's probably because they enjoy watching the other person be hurt.
They enjoy making you squirm. What will happen, what I mean when I say move the goal post is
you will be trying to settle a case, and so your lawyer might send over a settlement proposal
and you're waiting for a settlement proposal back. Maybe you finally get one and it's this
counter offer and it's way worse than what you sent over. By the way, do not engage in
this letter writing thing with lawyers if you're dealing with a narcissist. It's a waste of time,
a waste of money, a big fat exercise, and it's feeding their need for supply.
It's not anything that you want to engage in because it's not going to get you anywhere.
By the way, if you are so ready to break free, I want to see that I'm ready in the comments.
What happens is, is you will be going back and forth with these letters and maybe you finally get
some settlement proposal that you think, "Well, it's not what I wanted." You might even spend
three days talking about it to everybody that you trust, your mother or whoever, and your lawyer
and you spend three sleepless nights because you think, "It's way worse than what I wanted
to settle for. But, fine, I will go ahead and I will give into it. I will give them
everything they wanted just because I want this thing to be done. I want it to be over with,
I want to get on with my life." You go back and you say, "Yes,
fine, I'll take it." Your lawyer even says, "Well, this is way worse than you would do under the law.
You wouldn't even do this badly if you go to court, blah, blah, blah. You don't care. You just
want out of it. I just want to be done." You say, "Okay, guess what? That offer's no longer on the
table anymore." Now it's something else. Now it's this plus this or this minus that. On top of that,
it's your fault. It's your fault that they had to move the goal posts because you waited too long,
you did something else within that three-day period, or they found out something that you did
or didn't do. They might have even contrived it. It's something completely made up. But
because of that, now that's no longer the offer. Now, if you want to take it, it's something else,
something worse, of course, or something way more than what you're willing to give. Once again,
you're in this position, but now you've locked yourself in because now they know that you have
given in on this particular proposal. Anytime you try to go back and ask for more again, they're
going to go, "No, no, no, no, no, no." They're going to want to hold you to whatever it was
that you had agreed to. Then you try to say, "Well, no, I only agreed to that
because I thought I was going to be done with this thing. But now that you've added all these
other things, I'm not agreeing to that. They want to hold you to the parts that they want to hold
you to, but then they want more for them or less money that they have to pay you or whatever it is.
That's what I mean by moving the goal post, and the reason why they do that is because
they get narcissistic supply from doing that, from watching you squirm and keeping you involved in
somehow and intimidating you. That's why I created my S.L.A.Y. program because it stands for super
strong strategy creating invincible leverage anticipating what the narcissist is going to do
and being two steps ahead of them, and focusing on you, your position and your case. So that you
can go actually on the offensive for a change and not constantly feel like you're on the defensive.
That's the only way that you will actually be able to shift this dynamic,
the only way. Because, otherwise, they will continue to move that goal post.
I've had people say to me that their cases have taken years and years and years,
or I've seen it myself when I've been litigating these cases. A lot of time people mistakenly think
all I need is a good lawyer, just find me a good lawyer. That's the be all end all,
that's the panacea, that's what I need. That's not the only thing that you need,
a good lawyer needs to be just a portion of the strategy that you are creating, and that's why
I created the S.L.A.Y. program. There are many, many, many people who can tell you horror stories
about how they found a great lawyer, and two years later, three years later, five years later,
here they are still litigating and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, they're nowhere.
That's because they didn't learn properly how to create strategy and leverage in a way
that's going to actually make the narcissist feel squeezed and motivated to actually want
to resolve the case with you. That's the key. How do you start? You start by grabbing my free Crush
My Negotiation Prep Worksheet. You can get it at winmynegotiation.com. It's an ebook, it's super
long and detailed and it's totally free. So winmynegotiation.com, just grab that. If you like
this video, give it a like, drop me a comment, and also share it because so many other people need to
hear this information who are just suffering and dealing with these narcissists in these cases.
Like it, share it, drop me a comment, make sure you subscribe, hit that notification bell.
If you're feeling isolated, alone, you want to have support,
please come join me in my free private Facebook group. It's called Narcissists Negotiators with
Rebecca Zung, and we'll drop links to all these things below. I'm so glad that
you stopped by my channel today. I'm so glad that you're here. I know that you're in hell,
I'm here to help you get out of it. I send you light, love, blessings, and strength and courage.
Remember, today's a great day to start negotiating your best life. I'll see you in the next video.