Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you're new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I am a life and relationship coach if you are new and haven't already subscribed
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So let's get right into this week's topic this week. I want to dive into cognitive dissonance
So cognitive dissonance what it means is you have two beliefs
You have a belief about a person or a situation
Based off of your past so based off of what has happened in the past
You formed this view this opinion this belief about this person or the situation
now what you're seeing the reality of the situation the reality of this person is
Conflicting that what you're seeing now conflicts with what you have seen in the past. And so you have cognitive dissonance. So you have this
Disconnection between what is happening versus what was happening? So this is a psychological
stress that happens in us
This is real mental discomfort. And this is when you google just the term and you read you know, what wikipedia says or whoever
psychology today says
Really? It's that
Psychological stress is that mental discomfort? And basically it's because you have these two conflicting ideas of what's actually happening
And they don't coincide and you're struggling to believe what's real is
Reality real or is what I've seen in the past real when you have that kind of disconnection
That's what causes this now cognitive dissonance can happen in a lot of different
Situations not just necessarily dealing with a narcissist, but for this video we're going to cover
cognitive dissonance in narcissistically abusive relationships and the reason why this is important is because when you've come out of this relationship
When you're trying to end this relationship a lot of people really struggle
With accepting this person for who they actually are
They struggle with it for a lot of reasons. It could be projection
It could be you know them themselves coming from lack and having their own insecurities
But the biggest thing is all of the abuse that you've endured during this relationship and that abuse
formed this view that you have of this person and then when the reality of who this person
Actually is when they start showing you who they really are
Doesn't match who they say they are or who they once were
this
Confusion and your mind starts to happen and to really understand this it allows you to it
Will it helps you to understand the situation that you're actually really in that's why it's so important to understand
how abusive relationships work how that
grooming honeymoon phase of a relationship works in that abusive cycle because that phase
Really?
grooms and really prepares you for
the mental and emotional
Abuse and psychological abuse that you're gonna face in this relationship. So in the beginning stages of
Unrated the in the beginning stages of our relationship with a narcissist
They are grooming you they are studying you they know where your wounds are
they know what the what are the things that this person is vulnerable to and they're going to appear to be
everything
That you want they're gonna put you on a pedestal
They're going to be a perfect
You know specimen human being they're gonna do all the right things. Say all the right things
and the reason why they do this the reason why they
portray this false character is basically so they can
They can make it so that you will fall in love with them
Make it so your walls will come down make it so you will trust them. So then they can abuse you later on
So aside from just grooming a victim. What is the other reason why a narcissist will do this
They do it for a narcissistic supply. They do it for validation
Admiration they do it for everyone thinking that there are may saying they do it
So you'll mirror back?
What I want to see and I want you to show me and make me believe that I'm a great person
I'm a great human being and I don't want you to hold me accountable for anything
I don't want to take my part. My my own I don't want to be responsible for my part in the relationship
This isn't two-way street. It's a one-way street and it's my street. So by grooming you and
By trying to get that narcissistic supply if they get it from you
Amazing and if you're an individual who I don't want to say weak
But if you haven't learned how to love yourself if you haven't learned how to have standards in
Relationships if you haven't learned that you're worthy of a healthy partner and know what you want in a relationship
And hold people accountable like hey, if you're not it that's totally fine
There's someone out there that is really right for me
If you're not a person that deals and sits and abuse
Then you're not going to be a good source of narcissistic supply
For this person and the relationship won't last very long. So
If you are a good source of supply then all of the grooming all of the love
Bombing that abusive cycle that we talk about all the time it will continue and continue
Throughout the years of your relationship or a marriage with this person
So how does cognitive dissidence apply to the grooming phase in a narcissistic are?
narcissistically abusive relationship
My tongue is just not doing this thing today
but what how it applies is if you think about it if you're being groomed, right and
you are
giving the nurses everything that they need then you're great sources of supply and like I said,
The cycle is gonna continue and continue. You're never gonna set standards. You're never gonna stand up for yourself
You're never gonna want more you're never gonna want a deep connection with this person because you know that they're not capable of it
but if you're not that person and in the grooming phase you fall in love or
You trust this person
And then all of a sudden the man starts to come off and you see that and you start going whoa
Whoa, don't get me wrong. I love you, and I trust you, but something's not right here
You're no longer being the person that you were in the beginning. This is the person that you portrayed to be
This is the person that you told me you were and now your actions are no longer matching up with what's happening right now
And some people like I said the cognitive dissonance
Is that struggle between what is real? What's happening in reality? Is this person who they say they are are they?
Doing the behaviors that they once did am I in an abusive cycle?
And it's just going around and around. So if you're experiencing that cognitive dissonance
sometimes you can be stuck in that for a very very long time because that cycle of
Honeymoon of abuse of love bombing of coming back and all of the stuff it goes around and around and you stay stuck on that
hamster wheel
but some people will experience cognitive dissonance and they'll say and actually it'll be the thing that kind of awakens them and says
Wait a minute
this doesn't make sense at all who you are now being is nothing like who you once were and so that
Disconnection actually allows them to become very very clear on who this person really is
so unfortunately a lot of the times when
Cognitive dissonance happens and a victim will kind of bring it to the abusers attention and they'll say hey
You know this isn't right what's going on right now like your behavior?
You know
I don't like it or it's not matching who used to be or I don't know what's going on with you right now and
What will happen is the abuser will start to sense that you're standing on your own two feet
and
that you're starting to set standards just you're starting to like have boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not and they'll sense that and a
lot
99.9 percent of the time either you're gonna experience the physical abuse or something like that or you're gonna experience the manipulation the
Gaslighting, you know all those things
Narcissists are extreme
Manipulators so their goal is to make you out to be the problem because they're not gonna acknowledge that they're the problem
They're not gonna say yeah, you're right. I'm a narcissist actually playing this abusive game with you right now. That's never gonna happen
so in order for them to deflect
the pain or the mirror that you're putting in front of them that they don't want to see they're gonna make you out to be
The victim or excuse me make you out to be the bad guy. So
what'll happen is for a victim who is
Manipulated by this abuser. You'll then justify the abusers actions or justify
You know what they did what they said how they behaved you'll make you'll convince yourself that you know what I was overreacting
Or I'm actually the problem or maybe I am too sensitive and you'll start to have those kind of thoughts in your head
Where this person has now been able to manipulate you to make you feel like the real problem is actually you it's not them
It's you that your being to this or you have to high standards or you're not being you know
Accepting or you're not being as compassionate as I need you to be
when abuse is actually happening, so
that's how a victim can get really really stuck in these relationships is when they're able to be manipulated to make
Where the abuser is able to make you feel that what you're innately feeling inside is wrong
So how do we get unstuck from this disconnection that we have these two conflicting ideas or beliefs in our mind?
The first thing is you absolutely cannot justify. Someone's behavior abuses abuse
So if you feel like you're being abused
Chances are you're being abused? I mean when I get messages from people that are saying, you know
Is this abuse or am I just not accepting of the person you have to know? What are your standards?
You have to know what or what abuse looks like and that's why I make these videos is to really educate you guys on
What is emotional abuse because physical abuse sexual abuse, I mean those types of things are very black-and-white
Emotional abuse is really gray
and unless you really understand what this type of abuse is what it looks like in a
Relationship a lot of us won't know if we're being abused and a lot of us if we're coming from that
Codependency that lack of self within ourselves we're going to believe the manipulations
We're gonna allow want to Gaslight us. So do never justify
Someone's abuse or someone's hurtful ways. The next thing is
Actions speak louder than words and I can't say that enough so someone can
Pretend or say that they're this person, but do their actions really line up with who they say
they are a person can yes be someone one year be this amazing person and
They can change even in relationships where maybe you felt like you had a healthy relationship for many many years
people change people grow apart
People have their own wounds people have you know midlife crisis?
I mean these things do kind of happen and you have to
accept someone for who they are in this moment not
For who you want them to be and that's my next point
projecting who we want someone to be
because we're insecure or because we're afraid to just be alone or
Because we feel like we're reaching a certain age and we need to hurry up and get married
Or maybe we've been alone for a really long time that we accept behavior that otherwise we wouldn't have tolerated
You cannot project what you want on to someone someone needs to just apply for the job
You know fill out the application
You interview them and you find out is this person right for the job?
So when you go to work every single day if you've ever hired anyone or even if you've been a manager or anything like that
you'll know if someone is right for the job based off of of course their application who they say that they are and
After you know you hire someone you review that application. Okay, you say you are this person. Okay, great
Now you come into the job
Sometimes you even have a trial period in a job where you have to prove yourself prove that you are who you say you are
In this resume, and it's the same thing in relationships and dating
So and when someone shows you that they're not or no longer who they once said that they were who they said they were
Then it's time to you know, fire them it's tired
It's time for you to let that person go so you can actually get right employer the right person in your life
the next thing is really
practicing
Responding versus reacting, you know, if you're dealing with a narcissist chances are they're extremely manipulative
They're very very witty and it can be overwhelming sometimes to have a conversation with this person
And I know I 100% been there
I was always the person that with a lot of people a lot of strong personality people, you know
abusive people I would get very overwhelmed in conversations because I
Wouldn't know how to communicate
Myself to other people was something that I struggled with for a very long time and it was because number one
I wasn't quite sure always what I was feeling or what I needed
I didn't have that kind of confidence in myself
And then I just always was easily manipulated or I was you know that people pleaser
So if someone said something I just I didn't know how to stand up for myself all the time
So one of the things that I've learned over the years is to practice talking about the things that I need
You know knowing what I need is
very easy, when sometimes I had a client actually yesterday and say, you know
Sometimes I don't even know what I want or what I need and you really do so if you ask yourself a question
Something's gonna come up if you feel like something is abusive
And you ask yourself is that abusive that answer is gonna come up? So your intuition is always gonna be there
But are you going to listen to it? Are you gonna focus on it?
Um, and that's something that again it's a practice to do to really stay in touch with. Okay. What do I need?
What do I think what do I feel and really getting to know yourself like that? That's that's
Self-love that's practicing self-love. So
listening to your intuition on whether or not someone's behavior is abusive unacceptable and
Expressing that in a common healthy way not reacting and getting emotionally tangled in this abusive person's
you know energy and the last thing, you know, if you've done all of this and
You get to a place where you say? I just I know inside that this person is not right for me. I know this person
Hey, even, if they once were a great person or even if they were
Able to put on this character and play this role for a very very long time
Either their mask has slipped and I'm seeing things that I don't like or maybe I've changed
And maybe my standards are a lot higher than it once was and now you know
I feel like this relationship just isn't working for me any longer. It's not serving my higher good
I don't feel good when I'm around this person
And if you're really really honest with yourself
Then maybe this relationship is not one that you need in your life and believe me
Letting go of any relationship is difficult to do
But it's like I always say you're either going to push through whatever fear is in your way
That's allowing you to not leave this relationship to not let it go
You're either going to push through that because what you want is to have a great relationship
a healthy relationship a relationship of mutual
Respect and understanding and easy communication right with someone
Rather than keeping people in your life that aren't serving you that it's really difficult to just have a mutual understanding
A mutual respect a give a healthy give and take we all struggle. Sometimes you're just letting
relationships go with just saying hey look you were in my life for a lot a lot of years and
Maybe those years were great. Maybe those years weren't that great, but right now things are just changed. I'm not the same person
maybe you're not the same person and letting relationships go we feel sometimes that
relationships need to be in our life for our entire life when sometimes people
actually not sometimes all the time people come in and out of your life for different reasons at different times and
Sometimes a relationship has served its purpose, right?
It's done what it needed to do and it's still and you're still allowing it to linger around and it's no longer serving you
So is it easy to do no, but what do you want? Do you want to be happy?
Do you want to meet a great partner? So if you do you're keeping this relationship in your life and it's blocking
The good that could be coming into your life right now. So I hope that this has helped you guys understand
Cognitive dissidence a little bit better
I hope that it has helped you to get some tips on how to kind of get unstuck from this and
Just be aware of whether or not it's happening. So if you guys have any questions, please leave them down below
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So I will see you in my next video