-And this Valentine's Day, you can lose yourself
on the dance floor surrounded by 12 dancing Jewpids.
-Jewpids? -Jewish Cupids.
-Oh. Cool.
-They just want you to meet someone nice and settle down.
-Yeah.
♪♪
[ Sultry music plays ]
-Your girlfriend is beautiful, sexy,
and one of a kind.
So this Valentine's Day, get her a gift
that's as special and unique as she is.
Some Dumb Little Thing from CVS.
Because you're already there buying toilet paper and --
oh, mother...
It's Valentine's Day?
CVS has all the heartfelt gifts your long-term girlfriend wants.
Like a small bear dressed like a bee
with hearts that say "Bee Mine."
-Ohh. When did you get this?
-One minute ago.
-Exquisite gifts she'll treasure forever.
And if your woman loves jewelry,
look no further than aisle 8 -- the front half.
The back half is dog food.
There you'll find this beautiful heart pendant necklace
for only $1.99.
Recommended by our seasoned jewelry associate.
-Yeah, it's really good.
-Or get her a gift that really screams "her" --
a tiny heart-shaped box of chocolates
with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the front.
They really put the chalk in chocolate.
For a naughty surprise you know she'll love,
pick up some G-rated CVS Brand Sex Dice.
-Ooh. Tickle face.
-Guaranteed to give her the night of her dreams.
Or, when in doubt, nothing says Valentine's
like an old Christmas stocking.
-You could put your makeup in it.
-You have hurt me today.
-So shop CVS for all your Valentine's Day needs...
and salsa.
-On Valentine's Day, thousands of New York couples
will be stepping out to some of the city's most romantic spots.
Here with some tips on where to go
to make the evening truly unforgettable,
our city correspondent, Stefon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi. -Hi, Stefon.
How have you been? -The same.
-Okay.
This weather's been crazy, right?
-I know. Everywhere I go, it's like a hundred degrees.
-Right. Right.
Now, Stefon, lots of New York couples
will be stepping out for Valentine's Day.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Where should they go if they want an evening to remember?
-I have the perfect spot.
New York's hottest club is BOOOOOOOOOF!
Located in an abandoned orphanage
on the Lower Lower East Side of Chelsea,
this 'round-the-clock puke party
is a creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozin' Lucci.
And this place has everything --
pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups,
a -- a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones.
[ Laughter ]
And you'll have your own "When Harry Met Sally" moment
when you share a special kiss
with Gizblow, the coked-up gremlin.
[As Gizmo] Oooh-ooh-ooh-ahh!
[Normal voice] I'll have what she's having.
-All right. Let me just get a pen here.
What was the name of that place again, Stefon?
-BOOOOOOOOOF, with nine O's.
-Okay. Got it. Okay.
Now I know that I will
definitely, definitely not go there.
-Why not?! -Stefon.
Maybe I should be more specific.
Take me, for example. -Gladly.
-I'm trying to find a place to take my serious girlfriend.
-Ugh. This always happens to me.
-We've been dating for a couple years.
-Boy, do I know how to pick 'em.
-And, you know, Stefon, I work so darn much...
-You gotta pay the bills.
-...I just want Monday night to be special.
-Stefon to the rescue!
New York's hottest Valentine's Day club is...
[Shouting in Japanese]
[ Laughter ]
Built on a dare
by 90-year-old club promoter Fuji Howser, M.D.,
this NoHo nightmare has everything --
stun guns, mole people...
freezing cold air.
And this Valentine's Day,
you can lose yourself on the dance floor
surrounded by 12 dancing Jewpids.
-Jewpids? -Jewish Cupids.
-Oh. Cool.
-They just want you to meet someone nice and settle down.
-Yeah. Yes. [ Laughter ]
...Jewpids.
Jewish Cupids.
-[ Laughing ]
-Great job, but I got to be honest.
-What?
-I don't think my girlfriend will like that.
-Then you should probably break up with her
and then do, like, a total 180 or something.
-No! No, Stefon.
Do you have any tips -- any tips at all --
for how to have a simple, romantic,
nonpsychotic Valentine's Day?
-Hmm. Yes. If you want a great Valentine's Day,
you don't even need to leave the house.
Just give the person you love a romantic Valentine's Day gift.
-You mean like a box of chocolates?
-No, like human suitcases.
-What is a human suitcase?
-It's that thing of when a midget on roller skates
wears all of your clothes
and then you pull them through an airport.
-Stefon! -Come on!
-Stefon!
Stefon. -Stefon!
-Stefon!
[ Laughter ]
Do you expect people to give each other human suitcases?
I mean, would you give your Valentine one of those?
-Hmm. Stefon's single right now. He doesn't have a Valentine.
Aww. [ Audience "awws" ]
-All right. Well, maybe just for tonight --
and just for tonight -- you can be my valentine.
-You mean it? -Yeah.
I guess I got struck by Jewpid's arrow.
-L'chaim! -Stefon, everybody!
For "Weekend Update," I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!
♪♪
-Mmm, February 14th.
-The hottest Thursday of the year.
It's a whole day about sex, romance, and sexy romance.
-So Happy Valentine's Day.
-♪ It's 8 p.m. on Valentine's Day ♪
♪ My man got me flowers, got me lingerie ♪
[ Doorbell rings ] ♪ The doorbell rings ♪
♪ And I'm like, "What? More?" ♪
♪ He shrugs at me, and I run to get the door ♪
♪ It's a card that says "You're my significant otter" ♪
♪ Oh, no, no ♪
♪ "To my beautiful daughter"? ♪
♪ A romantic card from Mom ♪
♪ Okay, wow ♪
♪ 'Cause damn, damn, damn ♪
♪ That's not where I'm at right now ♪
-♪ I don't wanna think of you, it's a day for romance ♪
♪ I don't wanna think of you when I'm gettin' in the pants ♪
♪ We're about to pound, my man's on the bed ♪
♪ And I'm grindin' with him, but now you're in my head ♪
♪ I'm bumpin', I'm bangin', I'm bonin' ♪
♪ I'm 'bout to bust through ♪
♪ So I don't wanna think of you ♪
-♪ Stand down, stand down ♪
♪ And now she's FaceTiming you ♪
♪ Stand down, stand down, oh ♪
-♪ I'm at my desk, and I'm sextin' my boo ♪
♪ Tellin' him the freaky-deaky stuff we're gonna do ♪
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
♪ He sends a pic of his full-throttle wein' ♪
♪ I hear a knockin', it's my female boss, Colleen ♪
♪ This is bad, I'm horny in my chair ♪
♪ Gotta shift gears because she's handing me ♪
♪ A big, pink bear ♪
♪ And we're not close ♪
♪ Colleen, do less ♪
♪ A quick side hug, then home to make a mess ♪
-♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪
♪ You're a very loose acquaintance ♪
♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪
♪ When he down there doin' some maintenance ♪
♪ Give a huge, bad gift, well, that's your call ♪
♪ But tell me, when did this day become a free-for-all? ♪
♪ Your card said "I love you" ♪
♪ And, again, Colleen, you are my boss ♪
♪ So I don't wanna think of you ♪
-♪ Stand down, stand down ♪
♪ Colleen, you handle the checks ♪
♪ Stand down, stand down ♪
♪♪
-♪ I don't wanna think of the card that my son bought me ♪
♪ Keep in mind when you hear this that he can't really read ♪
♪ It said "Baby, I can't wait for tonight" ♪
♪ I know that sex is what made him ♪
♪ But it's just not r-i-i-ight ♪
Honey, what do you think will happen tonight?
-We eat cake, mama.
-♪ Cake, mama ♪
-♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪
♪ I just wanna curl my toes ♪ -[ Moans ]
-♪ My dentist gave me ♪
♪ A single rose ♪ -♪ A single rose ♪
-♪ A sexy day meant for me and my lover ♪
♪ Why did I get this lotion from my brother? ♪
-♪ Don't do that, Michael ♪
-♪ So thanks for the cards and the candies ♪
♪ 'Cause I love you, too ♪
-♪ I love you ♪
-♪ But I don't wanna think of you ♪
-Valentine's Day is for lovers.
They don't wanna hear from you. That's what birthdays are for.
♪♪
-Valentine's Day has officially started right now,
and here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.
-Whoo! How y'all doing?!
Thanks for having me, Colin.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
-Happy Valentine's Day, Leslie. Are you having a good one?
Are you having a good Valentine's Day?
-I am now, you sexy dollop of Miracle Whip.
I just wanna spread you on my sammich!
-[Laughing] "Sammich."
-Listen, I'm happy being single on Valentine's Day
because I know the perfect man is out there for me.
-Okay, yeah, well, they say there's someone for everyone.
Do you know what you're looking for?
-Absolutely. You want a list?
-Oh. -Let's dim the lights.
Give me something smooth, Manuel.
-I'm sorry. Who is Manuel? -He's my piano player.
[ Piano plays mid-tempo music ]
-Hola.
-[Laughing] Okay.
-Take it away, Manuel.
♪♪
My perfect man is happy, kind...
a good kisser, but not too wet.
Don't slobber on me.
Good breath.
Treats me with respect.
Tight ass.
Considerate.
I'm talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts.
♪♪
I love walnuts.
Good hair. Nice skin.
Smells like an Israeli.
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever smelled an Israeli?
-Definitely not, no.
-So good.
♪♪
Generous. Punctual.
Good-sized penis --
one that is circumcised and functioning all the time.
♪♪
Big smile.
Which shouldn't be a problem
if your penis...
is functioning all the time.
♪♪
I want a man who's confident, likes flowers,
but don't send me any flowers, because I don't like flowers!
Flowers is death.
You know how a body decomposes and starts to stink?
[ Music stops ]
That's what you're sending me when you're sending me flowers.
'Cause you done already cut 'em up,
and you sent 'em to me 'cause they're dead!
And they stink of death!
Death fumes!
I got a bagful of rotten-garbage dead flowers!
A bagful of death!
[ Laughter ]
-Are you okay, Leslie?
-I'm fine.
[ Colin laughs ]
[ Music resumes ]
Patient.
Hates avocados.
I need a man that talks dirty to me,
but not so dirty where I got to give him this look.
I want a man that's loyal, funny,
but not funnier than me,
and so far, that has not been a problem.
♪♪
Smokes weed.
Mom loves me, but not enough where she wants to hang out
with me, unless she smokes weed.
♪♪
I want a man who can grill a steak
without having to cut into it and check if it's cooked
like a little bitch.
♪♪
-Hey!
How many steaks have you seen me cut?
♪♪
-Completely despises avocados.
-Well, yeah, okay. Well, you already mentioned the avocados.
-Then, clearly, that is important to me, Jost!
-I have to say, Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.
-Yeah, because these are the qualities
that I admire about myself --
except for the part about the good-sized penis.
But make no mistake...
that if I had a penis...
it would be huge!
-Leslie Jones, everybody! -Huge!
-Happy Valentine's Day!
For weekend update, I'm Colin Jost.
-I'm Michael Che! Good night!
-And now a sexy Valentine's Day message
from Justin Bieber to you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, girl. Guess what's comin' up.
It's Valentine's, and I got a special one
planned for just the two of us.
Champagne? Check.
Roses?
[ Inhales deeply ] Check.
♪♪
Oh. Look what we got here.
Sexy dice.
Fondle butt.
Rules are rules.
♪♪
Yeah, we're gonna have a sexy time.
Just you and me. And Taco.
All dressed for bedtime, bud?
Taco's crazy. He said he'd be here for a night.
Three months later, I'm like, "Just get used to Taco."
♪♪
Now, where were we?
You like fancy chocolate?
These ones are all eaten! Taco!
-Uh-oh!
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
[ Cellphone swishes ]
Check your e-mail, Hillary Clinton.
[ Ding! ]
So this Valentine's Day...
it's gonna be you, me, passion.
[Thud, bird squawks] [Bleep] Was that a bird?!
This Valentine's Day is gonna get sexy
courtesy of this massage oil.
Nope. That's ultrasound gel.
Well, we're gonna have to make it work, right, Taco?
♪♪
Well, looks like Taco's got his toilet out.
Guess I better go. Stay sexy, girl.
♪♪