Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you three mindset shifts you can make to better cope with the
anxiety that you feel when you're in the moment,
when you're separated with your wife.
And I really want you to stay until the end of the video because after working
with hundreds of men in similar situations,
I found that these tips can only help you much better.
But these are the same tips that I think nobody's really telling you and
nobody's really talking about. And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I work with men and longterm relationships or marriages
and equipped them with the right skills, with the right knowledge,
and with the right mindset to be able to design this thriving relationship.
So if you want more content and more videos that can empower you with the right
skills and knowledge in your relationship,
go ahead and subscribe and click the bell button as well to be notified when I
post new videos three times every single week.
[inaudible].
Now before I begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up in my free masterclass,
uh, talking about the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the
ground up. So if you want in on that master class,
then stay tuned until the end of the video for that announcement on how you can
get it on that masterclass.
Now the first mental shift that I want you to make here is that emotions can
change. So if you're in a separation phase right now,
there's going to be good odds that your partner might have told you that it's
hopeless, that she feels hopeless,
that maybe she doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore,
that she doesn't feel like there's a future for the both of you anymore.
And in your mind,
you might also be thinking that it's hopeless or that there's nothing really you
can do now.
But here's the reality from what I find after working with hundreds of men in
this exact same scenario,
is that people make decisions via their emotions.
So when she says that is hopeless, when she says that there's no future.
She's making those statements and making that decision to separate out of her
emotions, but you can change that now.
It might take some time for you to change that and the way you change that is by
changing your behavior,
by changing your response because when you change your behavior,
when you change your actions to become better,
to become a more effective communicator, for example,
you're going to make her think, Oh dang this. That was different.
That conversation was different. This interaction was different.
Maybe things are going to be different after all, and this might take time.
This is not going to be a matter of days. It might not be a matter of weeks.
It might be a matter of months sometimes,
but slowly as you keep changing their behavior,
as you keep giving her more and more reasons to suggest that things are
different than you have changed and that since you changed the relationship can
be different as well. In the future,
you are going to change the nature of her emotions as well.
You're going to find that not only will she have more and more hope towards the
future, but also the SES and more hope.
The Marshall will want to come back into your life by in a very slow way and you
don't just have to take it from me here. You know, if,
let's say that every client I talk to comes in and says, my wife feels hopeless,
my wife doesn't see that we have a future. And I tell them like,
then it's hopeless. If I say that, then I wouldn't have a business to be honest.
Because the truth is most of the time,
if you can show her this massive changes that you have within yourself,
this insane transformation in the way you speak and the way you approach
problems and the way you understand her and how deep you can understand her and
so on, her decision to separate or to get a divorce perhaps,
or to come back into your life will change also as her emotions change.
But to do that,
you have to master the skill of being able to appeal to our emotions directly,
to understand how to communicate better,
to understand how to lead the interaction so that she can emotionally feel, Oh,
that was different.
And she can emotionally feel like she actually enjoyed that conversation with
you and enjoy the interaction with you and once more and more of that
interaction with you.
And you also want to ensure that you're making no mistakes during this whole
process.
Because the truth is also that your partner is watching you like a Hawk to see
what evidence she can get that supports our hypothesis,
that separation or divorce.
Maybe the best course of action right now and one mistake you make can indeed
undo 10 good things. 20 good things that you've done.
And if for those of you in a separation, I'm sure you're familiar with this,
you know,
unfair judging or decision process where one mistake can actually be very
devastating for you.
But the motivating and hopeful takeaway that I want you to get from this is that
her emotions can change. Even if she say it's hopeless today.
That can change in the future,
but you have to start learning how to conduct yourself in the right ways and the
relationship and making sure that you don't make any mistakes.
Then mindset shift number two is that the skills you learn throughout this phase
when you're separated are skills that you will need to learn anyway sometime in
your relationship, even if your relationship is healthy. What do I mean by this?
So a lot of people never talk about this, which is that you know,
if you look at the root reasons right now of why you're feeling the separation,
anxiety is usually three things. One is the lack of control.
So you were having some anxiety because you're trying to control what your
partner does. In this case,
you were trying to make your partner so that she doesn't leave.
She doesn't separate with you that she comes back to you,
but you're at this point where you have no control over that.
You've tried saying everything you can, you've tried begging, pleading,
you tried doing everything you can,
but the truth is that your partner is not in your control.
You can not control her decisions. It must be her own decision,
her own accord to be able to want to come back to you,
to want to work on the relationship with you again and to feel hopeful about the
relationship again.
And there's nothing you can say to immediately control where she feels there and
that lack of control quite so much anxiety in you right now.
The second source of anxiety is your desire for approval.
So right now, you know you might be trying to change,
you might be saying and trying to convince her of all these ways that you have
changed, but you're not getting any reciprocity from her.
You're not getting the approval or the instant gratification response that
you're looking for from her.
And that lack of approval to where your actions is not immediately getting or
causing an approval from her is making you panic,
is making you feel very anxious about this whole moment of is there even a point
of my actions?
And the third reason for your anxiety is the desire for certainty.
So in the back of your mind, one side of you thinks, okay,
this is a shot that this might happen, this might work out, she might come back.
But there's another side of you that thinks there's also another chance that she
might not come back,
that we will head to a divorce and that this relationship will break down.
And that desire for certainty or the lack of certainty that you're experiencing
right now is creating a lot of anxiety in you at the moment.
But I want you to think forward to maybe two years,
three years later when you both actually have a happy relationship.
And we're going to give you three scenarios here and I want you to see which of
these three plays a role. So what if three years later,
the underline you're going to, you guys are in a better state right now.
You guys have together again,
but you were at a place where you want your partner to do something,
to follow your advice, to kind of listen to you, but she chooses not to.
Instead, she does the exact opposite of what you want her to do. Well,
what usually happens is your desire for control will make you anxious,
will make you impatient and will make you do a lot of things that seemed very
controlling. It seemed very imposing. That seemed very toxic. Honestly,
in order for you to soothe the anxiety you feel from the lack of control because
your partner now is not wanting to do what you are wanting her to do.
The second example I could give you is what you know.
Say that you got a new promotion,
you got a new promotion and you come home and you tell your wife you're all
excited,
but your wife doesn't seem to be reacting to it as positively or with as
much enthusiasm as you would like to react to it.
If you still have not gotten over this desire for approval from her,
then you're going to feel very impatient. You're going to feel anxious,
you're going to feel annoyed,
and you're going to impose again and you're going to get upset of why she didn't
react to your news in the way that you would like her to react.
Or last example here is what if your partner needs to go out of town on a
emergency business trip? So the night before she comes to you and says, Hey,
I need to fly out to Vegas tomorrow.
And only that she doesn't contact you for the many days that she wasn't gone or
even something that's even up to a week that she was gone.
No contact whatsoever if you haven't worked on this. Um,
desire for certainty that you have,
that desire for certainty is going to make you very anxious and the anxiety will
lead you to do all these needy things. And if you look at these three examples,
you may not have experienced these exact same examples before,
but I think you can see my point here in that the anxiety you feel during this
whole separation phase are usually the very things that has been probably
killing your relationship and what has caused your relationship to get to this
point in the first place. Your desire for control, your desire for approval,
and your desire for certainty is what made you do the controlling, the needy,
the pushy, and the toxic things in your relationship that actually destroys your
relationship. So if you're feeling the separation anxiety right now,
take it as a sign that maybe the separation is a blessing in disguise and
that is giving you time to look within and actually see that, Hey,
perhaps you're not ready to be together yet.
That perhaps that you need to learn how to be okay,
not being able to control your partner's decisions or your partner's actions.
Maybe to learn to be okay that you may not always get the approval from
your partner or Lynn to be okay.
That in a relationship you won't always get certainty and you know you're ready
to get back together again when you don't feel this depression and anxiety when
you're okay with not having control,
not having approval or not having that certainty.
And once you recognize and make this mindset shift,
you'll stop being so controlled and overwhelmed by those anxiety.
But now you can see that this anxiety is simply a gauge,
a gauge of how ready you are,
and it gives you a better action to take a more productive action take in that
you to learn how to be okay with the lack of control and so on.
So don't feel the need to rush the process to get back together.
See this as an indication that you still have a lot to learn and that you're
going to have to learn this anyway either now or later.
Because if you don't learn this now to let go of control,
to let go of the desire for approval or to let go of the desire for certainty
is going to bite you in the ass hard later. So in this phase,
in the separation phase,
don't keep thinking about the outcome of I want to get my partner back.
Just simply learn how to be okay and how to cope with your anxiety.
And that brings me to my next point, the third point,
which is effort and surrender.
And then when I work with a lot of people who are in the separation phase,
the only thing they can focus on is really the outcome.
I want my partner back and they obsess over that outcome.
That's all they can think about day in and day out.
And what's funny is that when you focus yourself so much in the outcome,
the outcome of getting your partner back,
and that's the sole reason why you do everything while you're bettering yourself
and so on, one is going to make you very,
very miserable throughout this whole process because you're constantly saying to
yourself, you know, it's like the kid who constantly asks like,
are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
And that's your mind every single day, 24 hours a day,
you're going to make yourself so miserable. And not only that,
when you do meet up together, when you do connect,
it's going to make you subconsciously do all these needy and desperate things
and it's actually going to sabotage your actions and push her further away from
you. And as she gets further away from you, it worsens your cycle.
It makes you even more anxious. It makes you focus on the outcome even more,
which sabotages your actions more with makes your actions a lot more needy,
a lot more pushy, a lot more suspicious,
a lot more like you're manipulating her. And before you know what,
you're in this really terrible cycle.
And I want you to know for now that the anxiety you feel from focusing too much
of the outcome and you not getting the outcome at the exact moment right now.
And and in the short term, it's not that unique.
Everyone feels this desire to focus on outcome,
this desire to obsess about the outcome.
But this is where peak performers and people who are successful versus the
average person differs. So imagine this, imagine you're an athlete.
Let's say that you were on the final seconds of your game, your match,
whatever it is, and you have to sync the shot.
You have to make a perfect play in order for you to win.
If you focus just on the outcome and you place so much importance on the outcome
at that particular moment, what would happen? Most likely,
you'll get so much anxiety. You'll make yourself so nervous and you'll choke.
So if you listen to a lot of athletes,
the peak performer athletes or a lot of performers,
they understand this weakness that we have that the more we focus on the
outcome, the more anxiety we create.
And the more we actually sabotage your actions and the less likely we are to
actually get the outcome.
So if you talk to a lot of top athletes or top performers,
what they do is they focus on the process. So athletes, for example,
they focus on the practices they have.
They focus on the next step of the play or the play they're going to have.
Right now. They focus on the motions, what they have to do, right?
This exact moment, the trophies, the winning,
that's completely out of their mind. They're focusing on a process,
not the outcome. And the same thing for performers. When the performance play,
we look at P and S for example.
They're looking at the keyboards and the keyboards are only,
they're not thinking about what the audience thinks.
You're not thinking about the applause at the end.
They're not thinking about the money they'll get.
They're simply looking at each key. They're looking at how they feel.
They're looking at the rhythm, right at this exact moment.
They're looking at the process of them playing the piano and athletes and
performers understand that when you just complete the process correctly,
the outcome will eventually come.
But the ironic thing is as long as you keep focusing on the outcome,
the outcome won't come because you will choke.
So the reason why I call this effort and surrender is that you want to find a
process. You want to find a process that you can follow.
If you're in this process of being separated or having, you know,
giving each other space,
you want a process that you can follow and you want to surrender to that process
in a sense of surrendering that if you just complete this process and do this
process, you will get the outcome that you're looking for.
It's just a matter of time.
So the takeaway here is that I want you to start being thinking like a peak
performer, like someone who's successful.
And that's taking your attention away from the outcome of getting your partner
back and actually just focusing on the process and following the process of
bettering yourself. Learning how to become a better communicator. For example,
learning how to dig deeper into conversations and actually understand your
partner on a deeper level. All those skills.
I want you to understand those processes and not think about the outcome and
trust and surrender to the fact that if you just follow these processes,
then the outcome will eventually come.
And I also want you to be able to attach your motivation,
your reason for wanting to become,
to better yourself on just for the sake of bettering yourself,
not on some outcome.
So when you can embrace the three mindset shifts that I've given you here,
you'll find that you able to shift your paradigm,
shift the way you think and shift the way you interpret the events around you,
especially when you're in difficult time of being separated from your wife.
And you can interpret it in a much healthier way to where not only will it give
you more productive actions to take and more healthy things to focus on,
but it'll also shift your attention away from what will make you miserable over
time as well. Now, as you can imagine,
there are a lot of other mindset shifts that I want to give you,
that I can give you to make this less painful or less anxiety provoking for
you. And we'd love to give you all those mindset shifts in this video.
But unfortunately there's too many and no YouTube videos can really encapsulate
all those mindset shifts, uh, in one video.
And of course there's also many other things that I can show you in terms of
techniques and skills to solely invite your partner back in and to slowly make
her feel more hopeful over time again.
So if you want to learn the exact steps you need to take to better yourself to
better your skills during the separation phase,
then you want to reserve your spot for my master toss on the five proven steps
to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
And in this masterclass you will learn the exact same system that all my
students have used to go from a brink of a divorce or the separation phase or
even the space when you're,
their partner wants space to a point where their partner feels hope again and
they voluntarily come back to you and they can create a thriving relationship
together. Again,
I'll show you also how to simplify the problems you're facing right now in your
relationship so you don't have to focus on a thousand things to worry about to
fix your relationship. But really the one thing, the one root thing,
the one important thing that you can focus on to start rebuilding your
relationship from the ground up here and also show you some mindset shifts as
well that you can take with you today to change the way you act,
to change the way you see things so that you'll not only be less miserable,
but your actions will be a lot more effective as well.
So if this master class sounds interesting to you,
then you want to cut the link above my head or click the link in description box
below this video or in the comment box below this video as well.
Now if you're looking for a free resource that can help you lead conversations
better, you know in a way that never leads to arguments,
never leads to escalations and always creates safety and draws your Potter are
closer and closer to you.
Then you also want to download my free guide above my head or in the description
box or the comment box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community where you can post your questions and
actually get good advice and good support from the other members of the
community or myself,
then you also want to join my free Facebook group where you can do exactly that
and if you want to join that Facebook group,
the link is also an additional box below this video. In the meantime,
do leave a comment.
What did you find most insightful or most eyeopening in this video?
Let me know your thoughts. I would love to hear from you,
and if you liked this video and find it to be valuable,
then like it and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one.
In the meantime, I do want you to watch this,
two other videos to copy the right skills and knowledge to be able to continue
to thrive in your relationship. For now, I'll see you in the next video.